One Thousand Years of Death
by Kaiorven
Summary: Naruto is having a bad day. An extremely bad day. I mean, what's it with everyone sticking their fingers up his arse? Nothing fluffy, just pure hard-on crack, involving one painful little jutsu. Little does he know this'll be the worst day of his life. ABANDONED AND OF DUBIOUS QUALITY.
1. The Beginning of the End

Hello, my name is KitKat.

-is beaten up by copyright-ninja-

Anyway, this is the rewritten version of the first chapter of OTYOD, since the first version, I admit, sucked to hell and back.

So, if you want to find the original, it's in the garbage, along with banana peels, a dead cat and five creepy mafia dudes.

...

Okay, I lied about the banana peel.

Disclaimer: KitKat 'n' Betty do not own Naruto or any of Kishimoto's creations. If we did, Sasuke wouldn't have left, period, Kakashi would've revealed his face ages ago, and several characters would've died gruesome deaths. And since this has not happened, one can conclude we are not the authors of Naruto. So there.

Addendum by Betty: While it all seems the same, keep on reading. It's not. In fact, we changed it just because we wanted it to seem more like Kakashi was pushed over the edge, as opposed to indulging in child molestation to vent off some anger. Okay, fine, the second one still applies, but it's a helluva lot better.

Warning: Abuse of alarm-clocks, everyone's character (personality wise), those line-thingys and the fabric of time and space. Also some coarse language and severe ass-whipping ahem ass-poking ensues. Read at your own risk.

Now enjoy or go to hell.

* * *

The alarm-clock rang.

"NAAAARRRRRGGGHHH!" Naruto yelled in reflex, a hand ramming a hole through his charity-donated blanket to slam down on the alarm clock.

The poor, unfortunate clock crunched under his hand. When it continued to ring (albiet feebly), Naruto grabbed a sledgehammer from under his bed (which he didn't remember putting there) and smashed it with a crunch, followed by several more crunches, all ascending in force. It finally stopped ringing, but it was too late.

Naruto was already awake.

He groaned, picked up the now unrecognisable alarm clock and threw it over his shoulder into an ever-growing pile of pwn-ed alarm clocks. The sun flashed in his eyes, melted them into whipped cream and he stumbled into a wall.

"Crap," he muttered, hopping on his unbroken leg, and felt for the door.

It fell open and he crashed to the floor. Great, now both his legs were broken. Never mind that; what was crucial was getting his morning ramen before he died of hunger…or lack of ramen.

He tried to walk and fell on his face.

...actually, he did mind.

Sadly, the demon fox, feeling rather malicious today (or maybe just tired of ramen...or maybe just hungry...), only partially healed Naruto's legs. So Naruto had to crawl on his hands (which were, thankfully, still okay) to his giant store of instant ramen for his morning meal.

He grabbed a random packet (shio ramen, to be exact) and threw it into the open microwave. Slamming the door close and pressing a random button, he reached under his table and swallowed athe first carton of milk he found; it had the same revolting texture of diarrhoea. In a matter of seconds, he finished the carton. Throwing it over his shoulder, he grabbed the ramen from the still ticking microwave and swallowed the noodles in one gulp.

He yawned again (so loudly the whole building rumbled), ducked to the side to miss the brick that came from the crazy-old-cat-lady's balcony at precisely that moment every morning and stretched his hand above his head in the classic Naruto way. His chair flipped over and he fell on his back. As the demon fox tiredly fixed his broken spine, Naruto turned his head up to look at his other clock, which was ticking happily on the wall, glad to have escaped the alarm clock death-pile. It read about 6:05.

I turned the alarm too early again, Naruto thought sadly and sat up his chair.

Well, at least he had about one hour before he would go for his daily glaring match with Sasuke that he would utilise for some well-deserved rest and re-

"Aaahh!" he yelped as his stomach gurgled.

Unbeknownst to him, the carton of milk that strangely had the same revolting texture of diarrhoea was actually out of date; by about a year. It was in the same box as the one he drank before his first lesson with Kakashi; and the one Kakashi had so unfortunately forgotten to throw out on his 'rush' to the first lesson he had ever taught those three pathetic genin.

Whoops.

With another horror-filled cry, he almost leaped into the bathroom, locked the door and suffered.

When he came out, it had been already several hours.

Ah well, Kakashi-sensei's always late, isn't he?, he thought to himself and walked out of his unit, sauntering rather slowly to training, whistling a merry tune.

He would soon learn to hate that carton of milk.

* * *

Kakashi was sitting on his bed doing what all 'young' perverted grey-ahem-silver-haired men do every morning when suddenly…

"Kakashi…"

Kakashi spun around, kunai in hand. It fell in a clatter onto the floor.

"O-obito?" Kakashi gaped.

The translucent figure nodded and held out its hand, "My eye, Kakashi. Give me back my eye…"

Kakashi stared in horror at the figure. No! His nightmares had come to life! He liked the eye, and he was never going to give it back, NEVER! He was about to tell the ghostthis when he suddenly noticed the ghost was doubled over in...

…laughter?

Kakashi now stared in shock at the ghost who was practically peeing in its translucent pants.

"You…fell…for it!" he choked out, giggling.

Rin appeared behind Obito and slapped him on the back, "Be nice, Obito. Kakashi hasn't seen us in ages, and he wasn't expecting us this morning."

Understatement of the day.

Kakashi continued to stare at his former team-mates, who were currently conversing as ghosts in his living-room. It would be enough to drive someone mad, but this is Kakashi and Kakashi doesn't go mad, so he stared in a dignified silence at his former team-mates, who were currently conversing as ghosts in his living-room!

This was not fricking normal!

"So, Kakashi," Obito finally ended the argument with a nonchalant "whatever" and turned to Kakashi, "I've heard you haven't been so nice to your students."

"I have been nice!" Kakashi denied immediately.

Obito and Rin looked at each other, then back at him.

"I accepted them into my team!" Kakashi protested.

"Wonderful, wonderful," Rin clapped sarcastically.

"Apart from the fact you have forced them to clean your dogs, made them paint fences, undergo torturous exercises that barely made it past the training line, and…other things that are too horrible to mention in a T-rated fic, you've been the nicest to them yet," Obito said dryly.

Kakashi glared at Obito, who just sadly shook his head, "We're disappointed in you, Kakashi."

Kakashi hung his head, "Well…where can I start?"

They exchanged looks again, then Rin spoke up, "How about being actually on time for once, asshole?"

"O-okay, Rin," Kakashi stammered.

With that, Rin and Obito disappeared into ninja heaven, creating a vortex display of swirling blue light and the Naruto theme song that was lost on Kakashi.

* * *

Now safe in the sparkling lands of Ninja Heaven, Obito cackled as he readjusted his goggles, and strode away to the Ninja Heaven Ramen Bar.

Rin paused. "You forgot to shut the heavenly gates!" she accused. "What sort of ninja are you?"

Obito paused, and then a slow smirk split his face. "How many excuses had Kakashi made for being late recently?"

Rin shrugged. "How should I know? Over a hundred?"

Obito's smirk grew into a wicked grin. "Can you remember any of them?"

"No," said Rin shortly. "I have no reason to. Why?"

"Well, you know the video skycamera positioned over Konoha? How long does the heavenly film go?" Obito's eyes now were crinkled at the edges, and his expression was slightly feral. As in, the sort of feral-ness that Naruto Uzumaki typically showed on his face while planning a prank.

"Into the beginning of time? Who knows?" Rin sounded a little irritated now. "It's not our business, Obito."

"So it would definitely go back to the first time Kakashi was late to something, right?" deflected Obito. Well, he had to have had alot of practise at that.

"I suppose..." said Rin doubtfully, before Obito tugged at her as they floated away. "Hey, hey! What are you doing? Why are you dragging me?"

"You do know where the main control room of heaven is, don't you?"

"No- how would I know that? And besides, does Heaven even have a control room?"

"Everything has a control room. Fifty sixth rule of those crapass Western Movies that overuse CGI and 3D effects. What's wrong with animation anyway?" grouched Obito, as they floated over the sparkling river.

"But we aren't in a Western Movie! We're in a Japanese Anime!" said Rin in exasperation, trying to tug her hand away in midair.

"The damn orange ninja show's more popular in America, so it's probably more Westernised than say, Dragon Ball Z." said Obito, after some thought.

"DragonBall Z is pretty popular in America too." said Rin, somehow gaining encyclopediac knowledge of the popularity of Anime in America.

"How about Power Rangers?" asked Obito hopefully.

"Dubbed," said Rin.

"Pokemon?"

"Co-production rights with Hollywood. C'mon, you've got to pick less popular titles."

"Bleach?"

"Aired in America."

"Death Note?"

Rin gave Obito a flat stare. "Bleach is popular in America, and you thought Death Note wouldn't be?"

"Geez, I'm not some sort of Otaku," muttered Obito under his breath. "Code Geass?" "Its been aired in America." Rin sounded smug now.

"Which show hasn't been aired in America?" Obito's voice turned desperate. Rin raised an eyebrow. Obito crossed his arms and determinedly pushed on.

"Sailor Moon?" he asked, voice now frantic.

"It has multiple series, and every single series, the dresses get frillier. Honestly. It's the sole reason why there are actually anime shows targeted at preteen girls now in the West." She smirked. "Stop avoiding it."

"NO!" cried Obito. "I hate that show!" Now it was Rin's turn to smirk.

"C'mon... you know you want to say it..." she singsonged.

"One-One-" Obito stuttered. Rin smirked, and took the opportunity to subtly redirect him from the direction they were flying."

"I HATE ONEPIECE! If it's released internationally - I swear, I'm gonna kill myself!"

Rin grinned. "It's a good thing that you're already dead then, isn't it?" Obito glared at her.

Fulfill Mission: 'Distract Obito'

Success.

* * *

Or not.

...

Rin's jaw dropped at the sign in bold large letters of Heavenly Script. "Main Control Room," she read.

Obito smirked. "Ninja Heaven doesn't have control room, huh?" he countered.

"Th-This must be some sort of prank!" she tore her hand from his grip.

"The sign looks pretty clear to me," said Obito. "C'mon hurry up, you scaredy-cat."

"I'm not a- You know what? I'm going to tell Minato-sensei." Rin folded her arms, and began to float away.

"You can try," Obito challenged. "But you'll fail."

Rin's eyes flashed in deadly irritance. "I'll show you failure-" she snapped, before streaking across Ninja Heaven like a wayward ghost.

"Poor sucker." Obito prised the door open with a heavenly kunai that mysteriously appeared in his palm. "But sensei's busy today. I made sure of it."

* * *

Meanwhile:

"Now who votes for Namikaze Minato to do the Heavenly Paperwork?" asked The First Hokage. All of Minato's predecessors raised their hands.

"B-but!" Minato looked pained. "I don't have time to do the paperwork today! Kushina's gonna kill me if I spend another day in the office!"

"Uh-uh-uh!" A younger Third Hokage, Sarutobi Hiruzen, waggled his finger at the Fourth Hokage. "A Hokage must never shun his duties. Besides, you were the one that suggested the 'voting' system of work."

"But I didn't think you'd vote consecutively for me every single time!" cried Minato. "That's unfair!"

"Then you shouldn't have suggested it in the first place." The Second Hokage interjected with a smirk. "Though we do thank you very much for it."

"But I'm going to get tortured by my wife!" cried Minato as a final, desperate plea.

"And I'm sure you'll enjoy it very much." The First Hokage was deadpan. "Well, we'll be seeing you, Namikaze."

All the other Hokage's proceeded to leave the room, each punching him on the shoulder as they left.

"But-But-" But all that was left in the meeting room of ninja heaven was a huge stack of paperwork that reached into eternity- a stack of paperwork that Minato knew he'd never be able to finish.

Screw his damn predecessors. For the briefest moment, Minato wondered what had prompted him to suggest ther concept of 'voting' in the first place, since he hated democracy as much as any other self respecting ninja.

And for the rest of eternity, even though the heavenly paperwork would then be passed onto a line of successors, he would never figure out what prompted him to suggest it in the first place. After all, a casual throwaway comment over ramen by his prankster of a student wasn't really worth the memory space anyway.

* * *

Obito grinned as he entered the main control room. First there was a side switchboard, that looked like it had been painted in rainbow- with wires of all sorts of different colours and probably different purposes behind a shiny, glassy door. But he wasn't particularly interested in the switchboard.

What he was more interested in were the skycameras situated all over the shinobi world. It was against policy to interfere with the land of the living- but seriously, since when had Obito Uchiha ever followed the rules? Besides, he figured that giving Kakashi a taste of his own medicine could only turn out for the best.

Or so he thought.

There was another door at the end of the room. Well, to be more accurate, there were many doors at the end of the room, but there was only one door he was interested in.

The door of the Camera Control Room had an odd, 'out to lunch' sign on it. Obito wondered briefly as to who hung that sign there.

(A.N. Masashi Kishimoto, perhaps?)

Shrugging off that odd thought, Obito opened the door and entered.

The amount of screens connecting to different cameras was insane. Had Obito still been alive, his brain would not have been able to process the images, and his head would have exploded.

It was at times like these that Obito was glad he was dead. Scanning through the screens, he spotted a row of metal drawers filled with files. The drawers were labelled after each individual ninja village, with a single one marked with, 'unaffilated'. Obito frowned, and pulled on the Konohagakure drawer.

As he did so, the whole filing cabinet morphed. There were now six drawers. Hokage, jounin, specialised jounin, chuunin and genin, as well as a huge drawer for ANBU+Root. Obito frowned. Huh. Wow.

He pulled open the jounin drawer (unless Kakashi had been promoted to Hokage, he knew his teammate's rank) and began flipping through.

It took him a long time to find Kakashi's file. How many jounin were there in Konoha nowadays?

He pulled out a video tape, and pushed it into the player.

(A.N. Betty: Would DVDs have been invented?

Kitkat: The Icha Icha books wouldn't be bestsellers if people could buy porn on DVDs

Betty: Huh. Good point)

Obito then watched the flickering screen intently. And was then scarred for life.

"This is why women have babies. You men can't handle pain!" he heard a midwife say in exasperation to Hatake Sakumo as his wife was screaming beneath layers of sheets and buried beneath hot water bottles.

Obito winced, but couldn't close his eyes. It was like watching a trainwreck- he couldn't tear his eyes off it.

God, it was at times like this that Obito was glad he had a dick.

* * *

Obito finally peeked through his fingers and gasped in relief as he continued watching the heavenly screen. The childbirth scene was finally over.

Why wasn't there a damn forward or skip button anywhere within sight?

Obito was then subjected to Kakashi's babyhood life. After watching for the fifth time as assassins broke into Hatake Sakumo's apartment, Obito was beginning to wonder why on earth the other nations had bothered.

"Haha, I have you now!" cried a fail assassin, clutching a still giggling silver-haired baby.

Kakashi's mother ignored the assassin and continued to restitch Sakumo's shirt.

"Your child is in danger!" called the assassin, shaking Kakashi pointedly, before grabbing a kunai.

"Oh no," said Rei, rolling her eyes.

"Why you bi-" He was too busy trying to get some sort of reaction out of the mother to notice the apartment door swinging open behind him.

"I got the babyfood you asked for. And the sushi," said a cheerful Hatake Sakumo as he entered the room, grocery bags slung over his shoulders.

"There's another one," said the mother with an exasperated sigh. "Do get rid of him so I can fix the fifth Jounin shirt you've-" She was cut off with a thud.

"Please tell me he's not bleeding all over the floor. You know how hard it is to clean that out of the carpet?" She shook out the now stitched up shirt she was holding.

"I told you we should have gotten floorboards," rebutted Sakumo as Kakashi landed on the ground, giggled, and reached for the assassin's kunai.

"What with everyone dropping Kakashi-kun like that, you'd better be glad we have carpet," Rei sighed.

"I saved you and Kakashi from an assassin! DOn't I get any gratitude at all?" Sakumo teased, striding over to Rei.

"It was so anticlimatic it wasn't funny," pouted Rei. "I liked the lightning move you used last time. Raikiri, did you say?"

"I'd be a showoff if I used that ever time." Sakumo sighed, then sniffed. "A man can't get any gratitude nowadays. If I hadn't saved you, where would you be?"

"Oh, don't worry Sakumo," Rei stood and draped herself over his shoulders. "You can always impress me next time." Sakumo lightly grabbed her from behind and threw her over his head, but instead of slamming her onto the ground like what one did with enemy ninja, he instead swept her into a kiss.

Obito groaned as things degenerated from there, shutting his eyes as a blouse hit the floor. Where the hell was the fast forward button?

"Sakumo..." Rei whimpered. "Oh... j-just like that..." Obito tried to shut out the sounds. Why? WHY?

He could understand Kakashi's disturbed psyche now. Obito squeezed his eyes shut, and tried not to hear. It didn't work.

"Oh, Rei..." groaned Sakumo.

Obito was glad no one was in the room apart from him.

* * *

It was some time later that the X rated horribleness stopped. And by sometime later, Obito meant 4 hours!

Seriously, who spent four hours doing the unmentionable in a living room with their baby son and still lying corpse of an assassin on the living room floor?

Poor assassin. He'd be rolling in his grave- wait no, he wasn't even buried yet. Scratch that. He'd never look at Kakashi's father the same way again.

"Damn, I hate carpet burn," muttered Rei. "And- oh god, your shirt!"

"You'll have to fix it again," said Sakumo with a contented yawn, ignoring the fact that he was stark naked.

"Why is it, that I always have to end up fixing them?" muttered Rei.

"Because you always end up ripping them," said Sakumo with a smirk. "I'm good, aren't I?"

"For the sake of your ego, I'll say yes," muttered Rei, as Kakashi started squalling.

Now why didn't he didn't Kakashi start crying earlier? "The ku-ku-" Baby Kakashi waved at the kunai, which had somehow embedded itelf into the wall. Obito drew back. Did a baby just slam a kunai into concrete?

(A.N. More likely cheap plaster, but sure.)

"It's being bad!" cried Kakashi. "It's stuck!" It was at this point that Obito saw, with horror, the walls of the apartment seemed to be filled with gouge holes, which were hastily covered with duct tape.

"Don't play with the kunai." said a shirtless Sakumo. "I don't want to have to tape up the holes again-" At his wife's glare, Sakuma hastily amended. "Besides, you might hurt yourself!"

"Well, he'll be a great prodigy... with plenty of girls after him," sighed Rei, apparently appeased.

Sakumo shuddered. "Fangirls... he'll be so traumatised... I'd think he'd be better as a bachelor." Rei glared, hands on hips. Hips that were clad with underwear, and nothing else.

Obito wanted to slam his head into the wall. "No more than you guys have raised him," he muttered under his breath. The Uchiha clan weren't nearly that twisted. Okay, that didn't come out right.

"I'll start cooking dinner. Give Kakashi his panda-bear, okay?" Obito snickered. Ah... that'd be excellent blackmail when he met Kakashi again. Then Obito sighed, and straightened, before hitting his head on a shelf that mysteriously appeared above him.

]"Crap!" Something fell in front of his feet. It was the remote control. It glittered, taunting him.

Damn the thing to hell.

* * *

Minato gritted his teeth as he set down the fifth form. While he could slow time- or freeze it, if he wished, the problem was that his perception of time changed along with it- so that, even if he froze time, it would still feel as though he was doing years of paperwork.

Urgh. Still, it required skill of mind- kind of like the ability to dream lucidly- to be able to alter time like that.

And enormous concentration. Considering the fact that Kushina had loudly and verbally threatened him with indescribable atrocities, he was not really in the state of mind to slow time as of now-

"Minato!" he heard a voice call from outside. He sighed in relief when he realised it was Rin. "I need your help!"

"Not now, Rin," said Minato, sweating as he scrawled his signature on the forms. The top of the neverending pile glittered- signifying that another heavenly form had been delivered. Which meant more work.

"But- Obito is-"

"I'm trusting in you to keep him out of trouble," interjected Minato, stamping a release form for another applicant to Konoha Heaven, who's soul had just apparently been released from a binding seal. Minato himself had simply linked both him and Kushina to the seal. He was regreting that action now. It least if he was in Naruto's seal he wouldn't have to do paperwork. Dammit.

"But-but- Minato- Obito's discovered a-" Minato sighed, gritted, his teeth, and successfully managed to blinker out what Rin had said next. And by doing so, Minato had unwittingly subjected his son to many hours of torture. But then, we musn't blame him. A very angry Kushina danced in front of Minato's mind, wielding a massive iron club, with chakra whips wrapped around his waist (because, honestly, paper fans and mallets are for wimps) and Minato could feel himself sweating already.

When the Kushina in his mind mysteriously morphed so that she was wearing naught but loose wrap-around scroll paper in the form of a dress like Kurenai's (only without the sleeves and shorts, which made it skimpy as hell) Minato found himself stuck between a rock and a hard place. Or rather, stuck between an angry, club-whip wielding Kushina wearing only scroll paper and a neverending pile of paperwork with a hard-on.

Seriously, he should have just applied for the civilian section of Heaven. It would have been so much easier.

* * *

Rin sighed in frustration. "Did you hear me?" she called. No reply. It seemed like Minato was blocking her out. Well fine then. She'd stop Obito... once she figured out where the hell the main control room was. And why Obito wanted to-

:Flashback:

Obito paused, and then a slow smirk split his face. "How many excuses had Kakashi made for being late recently?"

Rin shrugged. "How should I know? Over a hundred?"

Obito's smirk grew into a wicked grin. "Can you remember any of them?"

"No," said Rin shortly. "I have no reason to. Why?"

"Well, you know the video skycamera positioned over Konoha? How long does the heavenly film go?" Obito's eyes now were crinkled at the edges, and his expression was slightly feral. As in, the sort of feral-ness that Naruto Uzumaki typically showed on his face while planning a prank.

"Into the beginning of time? Who knows?" Rin sounded a little irritated now. "It's not our business, Obito."

"So it would definitely go back to the first time Kakashi was late to something, right?" deflected Obito. Well, he had to have had alot of practise at that.

"I suppose..." said Rin doubtfully, before Obito tugged at her as they floated away.

:End Flashback:

Rin let off a string of expletives that did nothing, since Minato had blocked his ears, and was currently hyperfocusing on his paperwork. But surely Obito wouldn't... surely...

But on the other hand, she couldn't imagine Obito hacking into the skycameras because he wanted to look at the scenery. Obito was planning something. Something to do with Kakashi. And Rin was very sure that she wasn't going to like it. After all, all the signs pointed to one fact.

Obito was going to meddle in the land of the living- trying to improve the plight of Kakashi's students was one thing, but whatever Obito was planning, was definitely going to be on a whole new level altogether.

* * *

Obito happily pressed the forward button, and racked it up to the fastest speed he could get it to- which meant that the screen was a fuzzy blur. If Obito had squinted really hard, he would have noticed many disturbing images- ie, the sight of Kakashi trying to wake up his father at 12 in the afternoon, only to find a suicide note jammed between his teeth. But Obito was not looking too hard. Not now, anyway.

After all, Obito was waiting for the time in the film in which he had died. Urgh... The thought of his death made him shudder. Being crushed and left for dead under a rock with one eye missing wasn't fun. Admittedly, Rin had fed his body so full of nerve killers during her makeshift surgery that he hadn't felt a thing, but still. He wasn't looking forward to watching it. But Kakashi had only started being late after Obito had died. And Obito did not appreciate having his own personal quirks stolen by his best friend. But then again, Kakashi's famed moniker was that of the Sharingan 'copy-nin' Kakashi.

Obito then saw a swift blurred image of Kanabi bridge, and pressed play. After watching himself die (heroically and gruesomely) he watched as Kakashi and Rin returned with Minato. The next scene made Obito groan.

"How could I have missed that?" he whimpered pathetically as sights of Minato's awesomeness flashed before his eyes. His sensei was pwning the crap out of the Iwagakure Ninja, and he had died before even witnessing it? Why- How- NOOOOOO!

(A.N. Betty: You know, it seems as though any time Kishimoto decides the manga isn't awesome enough, he pitches in the Fourth Hokage. Goddammit, even the flashbacks that were supposed to be centred on Naruto's Mother had Minato more than her. Seriously, she had to be rescued by Minato! She's a damn jinchuuriki, it's not as though it would have been difficult for her to kill the attackers.

Kitkat:...

Betty: And yeah, the arc was sweet and all, but hair? Red hair? What if there was a breeze on that day? Her trail of hair could have led Minato in circles around Konoha if the wind had shifted!

Kitkat: But it didn't.

Betty: But it could've!

Kitkat: But it didn't.

Betty: But it could've!

Kitkat: But it didn't.

Betty: Is that the only rebuttal that you have?

Kitkat: Well, unless you want to write an alternate fanfic in which the wind had shifted and Kushina ended up as a slave to Kumo, while Minato followed a useless trail of hair, there's no point in trying to debate this.

Betty: That's actually an interesting possibility-

Kitkat: No. More. Plotbunnies! -eyetwitch-)

Why was he the only person that hadn't seen the Yellow Flash in action? Why? Ignoring the fact that if he had swapped 'blonde flasher' with 'yellow flash' his previous statement would have sounded slightly creepy and very perverted, Obito continued watching. Aha! There it was!

"You were late for our taijutsu contest!" cried Maito Gai, youthful tears streaming down his eyes. "How could you, my eternal rival?"

"Huh?" Kakashi looked up from an orange book, that, Obito noticed, looked strangely like the one Minato had stuffed into the drawer of his desk while doing paperwork. It had an orange cover. What was so good about that book anyway?

"You. Were. Late!" Gai's teeth were bared in a fierce, white snarl, and his wide round eyes had orange flames of anime anger flickering behind them. Which was really creepy, as his eye-flames clashed with his green spandex outfit.

"Oh, I was training some very rabid Inuzuka nin-dogs," waved off Kakashi lazily.

A notebook materialised in Obito's hand. Rabid, Inuzuka nin-dogs, he wrote on the first line. Heh. This was going to be more fun than he thought. With that cheerful thought, he continued watching the video of Kakashi's life.

Obito cackled madly as he finally reached the theoretical end of the tape, which had stopped when Kakashi had woken up that morning. It seemed that the camera film recorded onto the tape periodically at the end of every day.

Which ensured, at the very least, that Obito could watch the results of his wonderful... experiment... even if he couldn't be there to witness it.

He glanced down at his notebook. He'd filled up half the pages. Oh wow. Even for Kakashi, that was a huge amount of excuses. He doubted he'd even manage to pull off half of them in his prank. So this meant he could only pick a few.

Well, it wasn't as though he was running out of options.

The most common, of course, were old ladies, black cats, and getting lost on the 'road of life'. Obito put a check next to those things.

"The mutant squirrels were amusing," he said aloud, and scanned the first page for more ideas. Most were generic but then... He flipped through the book, marking the excuses he liked, or the ones he thought would traumatise Kakashi, (the first was generally linked to the second) and then satisfied, read over the things he had ticked, as his eyes narrowed and a gleefully-malicious smile spread over Obito's face.

Kakashi wouldn't know what hit him.

* * *

And that's the first chapter. Please review/flame/accidently click the review button! Thanks for reading!

-complimentary cookies here-


	2. A Prank of Cosmic Proportions

Hey, this is KitKat! Betty's lucky enough to be on the phone while I type this!

Betty: I've called at least 5 million times to get you to update! We were supposed to do it 4 days ago!

KitKat: Ah...sorry?

Betty: -_taps foot-_

Anyway, sorry about the late update. But I'd be a bit more motivated if you actually reviewed!

Yes, isn't it heart-breaking? 82 of you have read our story and only 2 of you have actually reviewed! Is it truly that hard to click that little green button? If it rocks, say so! If it sucks, say so! But more of that later. Now to the usual stuff...

**Disclaimer:** KitKat: Today I officially own-

Betty: Don't say it!

KitKat: -Naruto!

_-copyright ninja swing in and bash KitKat up-_

KitKat: -_stands up-_ But I do own-

Betty: Are you insane?

KitKat: -Naruto!

_-disclaimer and copyright ninja swing in and bash her up again-_

KitKat: _-stumbles up-_ Fine, I don't own Naruto! It's not like I'd want to! It-

Betty: -_groans-_

KitKat: -sucks!

_-Kishimoto-advocate-ninja and Naruto-manga/anime-fans swing in and stab KitKat all over-_

Betty: _-slaps head- _This'll take a while...

* * *

Kakashi sneezed. God, his nose had been running like some sort of tap. He sincerely hoped that Kurenai hadn't started the rumour about him being involved with that random chuunin again.

What was the name again? Iruka? Kakashi shrugged.

Honestly, where Kurenai got her ideas from...

She'd singlehandedly convinced the whole village that he was gay with some Academy Teacher and had mysteriously convinced Asuma that Shikamaru was in danger of defecting to Suna to pursue 'forbidden love' or something crappy like that.

Not to mention the time she had convinced council members that the Last Uchiha was in danger of marrying either a pink-haired girl, or becoming attracted to the host of the nine-tails. Since Sasuke had shown nothing but dislike to the former, and outright hostility to the latter, Kakashi didn't know what Kurenai had been thinking.

It was actually disturbing to see the ninja breeding files that they had created. Sasuke was either enlisted to marry a girl named Kora (her father had bidded several million ryou to try and secure her marraige to the poor, unwitting Uchiha), Hana Inuzuka or Hinata Hyuuga of all people, if they couldn't match her with her cousin.

Considering the fact that Sasuke didn't know the merchant's daughter at all, barely knew Hinata, and probably didn't know Hana, Kakashi had to feel sorry for the poor boy. It was almost enough to make one turn renegade and run away from Konoha.

(A.N. A gay snake pedophile probably wouldn't have been the best choice though.)

And seriously, trying to match Hinata with her cousin Neji? The latter had given the former a heart attack and ruptured several lungs. Did they want the girl dead? Even if Hinata's cousin was not so hostile, their fathers were identical twins. Which meant, DNA wise, that the two might as well be marrying their half-siblings.

Urgh. It had taken him, the Hokage, several ANBU and Naruto's Academy instructor to prevent the whole rookie nine from being restructured. Which had resparked the flames of gossip about him and Iruka.

And amusing as it was, after the 'Society of Purification' in Konoha had broken into his apartment with torches and tried to exterminate him, it wasn't quite so funny anymore.

Okay fine. It was funny, since it had taken him all of two seconds to dispatch them all, but still, the paperwork had been a bitch. He checked the time and headed to the memorial stone. He still had what, an hour to burn?

And what was with the whole ghost thing that morning? You'd think that his teammates would have bothered a bit earlier, had they wanted to. It was far more likely that he'd been dreaming. Or hallucinating, though Kakashi couldn't remember any sort of drugs or foods that might have caused such a thing.

Too bad there were no therapists.

* * *

Obito cackled as he rounded up all the animals, old ladies, and fake roads he needed. This was gonna be fun.

"Obito!" He heard Rin's voice, distant but worried, and most definitely not pleased. "Stop!"

It was too late. Obito let off an evil, deranged cackle. "Ahaha! Kakashi shall pay for stealing my signature habit!" he grinned, and then waved at the guard at the top of the watch tower. "Open the doors!" he cried dramatically.

"No! Stop!" Rin jumped up and down, and waved her arms at a superfast speed. "Don't!"

"Are you sure about this?" asked the Guard, sounding confused. "Do you even have the clearance to do so?" He saw Rin's disbeliving and doubtful glance. He smirked, and pulled out a tag.

It was Minato's. Obito had stolen it over ramen at the same time that he had convinced his sensei that democracy for paperwork was a good way to delegate responsibility. Rin's jaw hit the floor. How had- How had he-

"Believe it!" cried Obito, waving the clearance tag in the air. The guard, who looked like he had had to much heavenly spiked fruit punch the last night, nodded, groaned, and pressed a button.

"You idiot! The image on the tag looks nothing like him!" cried Rin. "Don't open the gates-"

She was cut off as the guard passed out on the tower, falling past the barricade and landing inaudibly on the soft, grassy ground. Despite the lack of guards, the gates swung open nevertheless, activated by the red push button that the now-asleep guard had pressed.

Rin could barely see through the masses of ghostly animals, old ladies, and prank props being carried by the ghostly women.

"Go! Go my pretties, go!" cried Obito, cackling madly into the sky. And they did, even the old ladies rushing out of Ninja Heaven at the speed of light. They trampled over a Momochi Zabuza, who had been begging to enter for at least several months, sending him spiralling back into the circle of hell he had climbed out of.

"Ah," Obito sighed in satisfaction, wiping tears of laughter from his eye. "I always wanted to say that."

"What do you mean, you always wanted to say that! You might be thrown out for doing that!" cried Rin. "And what are you trying to do to Kakashi?"

"Not, 'tried to do'," corrected Obito smugly. "'Succeeded at doing'."

"How did you even get a hold of all those things anyway?" demanded Rin.

"Well, I managed to get all the ghostly cats with angel catnip," mused Obito. "It was kind of difficult separating the black cats from the rest... and I managed to get the Inuzuka nindogs by forging Kakashi's summoning scroll and repositioning the seal so that they appeared right in front of me... And the mutant squirrels- it was too easy, really. All you had to do was infect the squirrels with ghostly hendra virus and radioactive plutonium..."

Rin felt horror spread through her body, as Obito continued to describe exactly what he had done to get those items in a long and detailed fashion.

"And for the old ladies, I just forged a discount to the entry of the bathhouse."

"Which bathhouse?" asked Rin, feeling like she shouldn't be asking that.

"Oh. The one that Jiraiya-sama is always perving at nowadays. I think it's the one Senju Tsunade goes to."

"YOU DID WHAT?" Obito pushed on ahead to prevent Rin from exploding.

"And I got all the prank items, well, even if they don't have souls, if they're destroyed by any sort of jutsu, they go to the Main Ninja Heaven storeroom. There have been a ton of prank items ever since the Fourth's son started going to the Academy..."

"You- You-" Rin had no words. "Why?"

"Well, payback, for one. I mean, how unoriginal is Kakashi?" pouted Obito. "Seriously, I'm the one that's supposed to be late, and make up fail excuses. He stole my trademark!"

"What." Rin's eye began to twitch. "You mean, you're telling me that you just released all those things, somehow forced Minato into paperworking on him and his wife's wedding anniversary, stole his clearance tag, rounded up all those... things and got the guard stone-dead drunk just so that you could get revenge on Kakashi for having the same habits as you?"

"Hey! I so did not get that guard drunk." Obito looked annoyed. "He got there on his own accord." He paused. "That was a good stroke of luck, though."

Rin slammed her forehead onto the guard tower.

* * *

_**"A black cat crossed my path, so I had to find another one."**_

...

When Kakashi arrived at the memorial stone, something unexpected greeted him.

Black. Masses and masses of furry black bodies surrounded the stone. They all turned to him at once, and purred, a slow sweet, rumbling sound that emanated from dozens of throats.

What the hell? He coughed awkwardly, and tried to walk forward, when the cats slunk around each other, twisting tails and whatnot, until they suddenly stopped, all at once, and stared at him.

They had arranged themself into arrows, and formed a formation of black, bumpy kanji, which read; "Leave. Now."

Was this some sort of omen? Kakashi hoped the pound would arrive soon- where else could all these strays had come from? He casually spring leaped over them- and stood in front of the memorial stone

Bad move Kakashi. Bad, bad move. Never let an enemy get behind you. Ever.

Now certainly wasn't any exception. He heard hissing. Kakashi froze, and slowly turned his head.

All of the cats had crouched, leaning back, front paws stretched forward and butts up, as though they were about to pounce on a mouse, or a dangling string. Their tails were waving agitatedly back and forth.

They were watching him.

Kakashi had faced cats before on D rank missions. He had faced, feral cats, and wild cats, and Tora's ancestor, whom was arguably worse than the previous two combined. He knew that pose- he had been attacked by cats before, though mostly they aimed themselves at his treammates. It had been a miracle that Obito hadn't activated his sharingan before then.

"Oh Crap-"

They pounced as one.

* * *

They were finally going to complete a mission! Konohamaru looked at the scroll that the basket of herbs that Moegi toted. It was the first mission, out of all their D-ranks, that they had completed. Now all they needed to do was get the herbs to the Hokage.

"Excellent work, Team 4," said Ebisu, relieved that the mission was over and done with. The longer the mission lasted, the more likely (or inevitable) they were going to screw the mission spectacularly. Team 4 didn't just fail missions. Team 4... Team 4 was beyond that. Ebisu counted himself lucky if all they did was fail.

"Do we have all the herbs?" he asked instead, checking his list.

"Ginseng Root, Dill, Wormwood, Chamomile, Opium, Sage, Horehound and Catnip," listed Udon dutifully. Ebisu breathed a sigh of relief. The last thing he wanted to do was have to return. they'd probably be attacked by feral ladybugs, or something.

"Our first successful mission... finally..." Moegi said happily.

"Maybe we can move up to C-ranks soon?" asked Konohamaru hopefully.

"Let's just finish this mission first," muttered Ebisu. Well, at least they hadn't uncovered a nest of wasps, which would've stung and chased them off the farm. Konohamaru hadn't pissed off the wife of the client by demonstrating his 'Sexy no Jutsu' to Udon, and Moegi hadn't encouraged any of the local wildlife by scattering seeds to lure pigeons, which had then attracted huge-ass hawks that ruined the property.

In fact, Ebisu felt a stray shred of optimism within him, not quite entirely killed by Team 4's horrible track record. Optimism, after all, is a persistent dogged thing, that generally should have died long before it actually does, and manages to live on the knife's edge of tiny rays of hope.

That is what we'd call a BAD THING. Why? Because even the tiniest shred of optimism can tempt fate.

Like now.

"Aaargh!" They looked up. Kakashi, the copy nin, running as though a band of hell cats were after him, though neither Ebisu, nor his team, could see any signs of pursuers. Ebisu wondered whether the legendary nin had finally cracked.

After Kakashi ran past, however, Moegi cried. "Ah- The basket- it's running- I can't hold it-!"

The basket, filled with herbs from their journey, suddenly flapped up, and herbs scattered all over the street.

I knew it was too good to last, thought Ebisu, pissed-ly. "Let's just collect all the herbs we can," grumbled Ebisu.

Once they had finished picking up all the herbs, Konohamaru had sighed in relief. "Well, at least we can still bring most of the herbs to the Hokage..." he said.

"Uh-" Udon tapped Ebisu. "The catnip's gone."

Ebisu resisted the urge to slam his head onto the wall.

* * *

_**"I had to help an old lady across the road."**_

...

Kakashi sighed in relief as the mass of black cats suddenly attacked a group of random genin. He was entirely free of guilt. If they couldn't even deal with a bunch of stray cats (ignoring the fact that he himself had been running away from the mob, but that was beside the point anyway) he sighed and finally paused on a nearby street.

It was empty. Kakashi checked his handy watch which mysteriously appeared on his wrist. He'd wasted ten damn minutes running from the cats. The street was completely empty, oddly enough. The surrounding marketplaces, were bare and empty.

There was an old lady waiting at the side of the road.

She had a non-descript face, though something about her was odd. Off. She sat on a wheelchair, and glowered at Kakashi. He sweatdropped, and pulled out his Icha Icha to use as a shield. And to read the next bit of wonderfully erotic-

"Aren't you going to help me across the road?" He heard a low, cackling voice. He glanced up from his book, and the old lady was leering at him with teeth that were browning and rotting.

Talk about lack of dental hygiene.

"You want me to push the wheelchair?" Kakashi felt himself shudder.

The old lady sneered at him. "Aren't you going to be a good model citizen of Konoha and help me?"

"Uh..."

"Why, you ungrateful little twit! Young people these days, they never appreciate the sacrifices of their elders!" snapped the old lady. "Too busy trying to pick up chicks at the local bar, huh? Too absorbed in jacking off to porn, huh?"

Kakashi sweatdropped. "Uh- Uhm-"

"Well- I'll show you disrespect!" The old lady turned a dangerous shade of red. So dangerous, in fact, that the red was purple. Yes, purple.

Kakashi blinked. "Uhm..." Maybe he should escort the lady back to the nursing home. In the wheelchair, he didn't want her to accidentally speed down a hill and break or neck, or something.

Unbeknownst to him, the ghostly lady had pressed a single button on the arm of her wheelchair. And what might that button be for? you ask.

The wheelchair beeped, then began to drone softly. Kakashi blinked. What-?

One split second ago the wheelchair and the lady were on the other side of the road. The next spilt second, Kakashi was aware of the old woman zooming towards him, a blur. Because Kakashi didn't want to be run over by a motorised wheelchair very much, he substituted with a nearby log. The next thing he knew, all that remained of the log was a bunch of wood splinters spread over the street.

"You could have killed me!" Kakashi said incredulously, mostly at the shock that such an old lady would try to kill him, a fairly elite jounin.

"Oh really? My bad." The old lady turned and began to zoom towards Kakashi again. He rolled out of the way, but instead of stopping and restarting like she had before, the motorise wheelchair simply swiveled on the spot, and began zooming towards him again at top speed.

Kakashi created an earth dome, but the wheelchair shot through it like a bullet through a pane of glass, the woman cackling like Anko with too much sake. And that was a scary sight.

"How fun. But you won't get away from me this time!" the old lady singsonged.

"What are you trying to do?" Kakashi stared at her. "Kill me?"

The old lady stroked her chin. "Oh!" She paused in a dubious silence. "I was ordered to do something to you." Another frown. "Involving you." Kakashi wondered whether she was going senile. Screw it, she probably was senile, and the only thing that mattered right now was getting out of harms way. Fast.

"Who ordered you?" asked Kakashi.

"Who knows?" the old lady shrugged. "Anyway, this is more fun, so..."

Kakashi ran for his life, and just in time, too. By Kami, the old lady with her motorised wheelchair was fast.

* * *

_**I got lost on the road of life.**_

...

Kakashi panted as he finally lost the insane, maniac old lady that had been chasing him. It was a good thing too, since he wasn't sure for how much longer he could run. His lungs were burning, and his chakra reserves were suffering from the constant and frequent use of chakra from using shushin and substitution jutsu.

He sighed, and glanced around. Huh. While he had been running from the crazy elderly psychopath, he hadn't really been paying attention to where he had been going. And by some sheer miracle- (ahem, Obito) he had ended up in a part of Konoha that he had never been in or seen anymore. He began to walk.

He surveyed his surroundings. The road curved around to his left- a nice, even curve that even impressed Kakashi. Who knew Konoha had roadplanners that actually knew how to build nice evenly-curved roads like that?

He continued to walk. And walk. And walk.

...

And walk.

Seriously, where was the end of this goddamned road? He had been walking for what, a straight twenty minutes on a completely deserted road and there were no fucking intersections, or nice branching footpaths.

Kakashi would even be happy with a creepy deserted backalley full of drunks, or something like that. Well, maybe he ought to jump over a few buildings to end this nonsense.

Like Obito hadn't planned for that. Kakashi jumped up onto one of the makeshift buildings and proceeded to spring leap to the other side when...

Th building collapsed beneath his feet into a pile of tin roofing and bricks that looked suspiciously like crumbled plaster.

And on the other side, was more road.

(A.N. Kitkat: How much prank city did Obito build?

Betty: As much as he thought he would need, obviously. Though I wouldn't say he built a whole city. Just a hellishly long and wide road.

Kitkat: But he's gotta run out of fake concrete eventually.

Betty: Oh really? -shoves diagram toward-

Kitkat: Oh. Oh wow.)

Kakashi kept on walking. And walking. He then got so sick of walking up deserted road that always looked the frickin same, so he formed the seals for the shushin and zoomed.

And he kept on going...

And going.

Kakashi hadn't thought it was possible to get a ninja, let alone a jounin, let alone an ANBU, let alone HIM of all people, lost. But he had just been proved wrong. After zooming around pointlessly for several minutes, he stopped. That, and the fact that he seemed to be right where he started. Not that he could tell, what with everything all looking the damned same.

Wait... back at the same place? There were only two things this could be.

"Kai!" Kakashi formed a single handseal. Everything remained the same. Which meant then...

But why on earth would someone build a concentric circular road in the middle of Konoha that led absolutely anywhere? And the other question remained. How would he get out?

Before he could move onto such pressing matters, however, Kakashi spotted a distant figure, shrouded in mist. He craned his neck forward and squinted. For some vague reason, the man looked rather... familiar. The next thing he knew, someone pinched the back of his neck. How- What-

He slumped, unconscious, to the ground. Ironically enough, as he slumped, he spotted a single arrow street sign on a pole. It said; 'Life Rd'. Had he been awake, he would have pondered the oddness of the oddly coincidental name.

But he wasn't so he didn't.

* * *

_**The guy I was supposed to assassinate on my mission wanted revenge.**_

...

Kakashi woke on a boat. God, this was getting ridiculous. As in, really ridiculous. As in, this whole situation seemed to be some sort of sick parody bubbling up from the cauldron of an insane pair of teens on a sugar high who had been let loose from a mental asylum.

(A.N. Mental Asylum? C'mon, we might be crazy but we're not that far gone!

...

-cough-)

But first things first. Why the hell would someone choose a boat as vehicle, when honestly, carriages were far easier and sound of clopping hooves served to dull the sound of screaming from a gagged kidnappee?

His kidnappers must be taking him to a foreign nation. Kakashi squirmed, and tried to reach for his kunai. They were gone. Even the one hidden in his pants- he shuddered.

Anyway, back to the point, nothing to slash his bonds with. His kunai were gone, as were his shuriken, even the ones tucked into the inner fold of his collar.

But one doesn't remain a shinobi for long if one can't even free oneself from ropes without blades.

Kakashi let out a pulse of lightning chakra, watching as it sizzled the ropes against his skin. Free. From the rocking, he was underwater. He inspected the walls of the boat.

Metal. Dammit. He spotted stairs. Maybe he ought to take his attacker by surprise, then.

Keeping his steps silent, he lightly climbed the metal steps. The hatch was closed, but it was wooden. Kakashi braced himself against the rail, and slammed his foot forward. It shattered through the hatch.

He'd lost the element of surprise, not that he needed it.

There were no guards. This kidnapper was either overly confident, kage level, or stupid. He blinked.

"Aren't you dead?" Kakashi stared at Zabuza, who was facing away from the deck.

"I guess I'm a really, really, solid ghost, then." Zabuza rolled his eyes, and turned his head away, as though losing interest.

"Why did you bring me here?" asked Kakashi.

"Revenge. To bring you to Gatou." Zabuza shrugged. Kakashi wondered whether he was dreaming.

"But... you killed Gatou."

"Then I guess he's a really solid ghost too."

...

"Um, see you then." Kakashi jumped from the boat, and prepared to swim his way to shore. The water melted beneath his feet, and beneath the water was... the floor of another boat.

Kakashi blinked incredulously, and stared at Zabuza. Zabuza smiled, though the only indication of that was the wrinkling of the cloth bandages wound over his mouth.

"Hello again, Kakashi." Zabuza stood at the prow of the boat, serene.

"Since when did you manage to layer genjutsu like that?" demanded Kakashi.

"What, were you expecting me to go into a long spiel into how my technique works and my life story and thus give you more information to defeat me?"

"Yes?" admitted Kakashi.

(A.N: This happens alot in canon. ALOT)

There was a silence. "Why does Gatou want me, anyway?"

"Who knows?" Zabuza shrugged. "I get paid. That's all I care about."

"Is Haku dead too?" Suddenly Zabuza stiffened, as though Kakashi had jolted him with electroshock therapy. The next thing Kakashi knew, a massive blade was swinging towards his head.

"Die!" cried Zabuza. Tears were streaking into his bandages, and his eyes seemed to be veined with red. Kakashi did the only thing he knew to do. He chidori'd the boat, Zabuza, and the entire genjutsu to pieces. A massive explosion rippled through the boat, and Kakashi felt himself being thrown back, off the boat, until he was standing on the docks of the Fire Country.

How the hell-

Eerie squirrels, glowing green, began to chase Kakashi.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

Kakashi barrelled through the last batch of washing line to miss a chamberpot being emptied above his head. He had to be good... get to his students on time... make Obito proud. He had to, and every single obstacle being thrown at him, just made him more determined. Not even the entire universe could stop him from being on time. He glanced at his watch.

3...2...1...

He shushinned even faster to his destination, ignoring his covered with fish hair, his soaked vest, torn and bitten pants, unheeled combat sandals and his very stained shirt.

Almost there... almost there...

Kakashi barrelled into the training field just as his watch began to beep the alarm. He scanned the field, ignoring his student's expressions of alternate shock, surprise and then dawning disgust at the state he was in. Sakura... Sasuke... all of them were-

Naruto? Kakashi stared in horror at the field. Naruto wasn't there. Naruto wasn't there. Naruto wasn't there. He'd faced all that for nothing?

* * *

Naruto whistled, buying a hot steaming bowl of ramen when a sudden sense of foreboding hit him like a ten ton mallet. Maybe he should hurry up... maybe. He glanced sadly at the bowl of half finished ramen, which he had dropped in his sudden sense of thick killing intent.

Maybe he should hurry up. And so he did, his snail-slow pace increasing to that of an aging, elderly, 10000 year old tortoise. He would be fine. After all, the earliest Kakashi had ever been was half an hour early, after all. And Sasuke and Sakura were a few minutes late all the time.

He'd be fine.

When he got to the bridge, he saw what he expected to see: Sasuke leaning against the railing coolly, and Sakura standing near him, pretending that he didn't know that she didn't know that he didn't know that she didn't know that she didn't know that he didn't know that she wasn't not not not looking at him.

What he didn't expect to see was a certain grey-ahem-silver-haired jounin glowering down at him from...well, above him.

"K-kakashi-sensei?" he stuttered for once, "You're …early?"

"And you," Kakashi snapped, completely devoid of sympathy, "Are late."

"Why…how could you be early?" Naruto protested, "You're never early!"

"Now I am," contradicted Kakashi. Naruto felt a sudden spike of familiar killing intent.

"But…b-but…" he stammered.

He thought of Hinata and how she always stuttered, but the thought disappeared from his head almost immediately. Why? Well, if the thought had stayed in his head, one, he would definitely be out of character, and two, if he had Hinata in his head, he would realise Hinata had a crush on him and he wouldn't continue to chase after Sakura, thereby ceasing to be a stupid unthinking arse! And that wouldn't do, because for this story to continue as planned, he must be and continue to be a stupid unthinking arse.

"But what, Naruto?" Kakashi snarled accusingly, "I try to be a good sensei and you destroy everything! Everything!"

"B-but flashbacks don't exist!" Naruto protested.

"Dobe, just because you don't have flashback like-" Sasuke froze, eyes glassy.

Flashback:

Itachi stood in all his glory, glaring down at Sasuke.

"You must nurture your hate, until you grow strong enough and gain this."

He points to his Mangenkyo Sharingan, mocking.

"Then we shall fight as equals. Now run, run like the coward you are!"

:End Flashback

Sasuke stared into space, shaken by the images in his emo-tastic brain. Sakura gasped in shock and joy. Sasuke was staring at her in what her twisted mind translated as love and awe.

"Teme, you okay?" Naruto caught Sasuke before he landed head-first onto the bridge.

"Of course I'm okay, now get your dirty hands off me!" Sasuke almost leaped away from Naruto's chest.

(A.N: Betty: Was that Naruto hugging him?

KitKat: What? -munches on cookies-)

"As I was saying, just because you don't have flashbacks like us doesn't mean they don't exist," Sasuke continued.

"I don't have flashbacks," said Sakura sadly.

"Well, you're just as bad as Naruto," Sasuke commented.

After a moment of thought, Sasuke continued, "In fact, you're even worse than him."

Sakura walked to the railing, depressed and suicidal because she was a pathetic excuse for a human being who's only purpose in life was to bitch and worship Sasuke, and threw herself into the depths of the river, despite there was no reason she couldn't just stay and whine some more anyway.

Naruto stared.

As Sakura fell into the river, she agreed with Sasuke like a good Mary-Sue. What good did she do to the team anyway?

That's it, I've had f**king enough!, Inner Sakura screeched and pushed Outer Sakura away with a shove.

Sasuke stood next to the railing coolly, thinking cool thoughts. That's why he didn't notice the hand that suddenly gripped around his ankle.

"YAAGGHH!" Sasuke screamed in a totally un-Sasuke way as Sakura dragged him through the railing and into the river below, completely obliterating the fence in one motion.

"I'm, like, TOTALLY not Naruto!" Sakura/Inner Sakura yelled, punching Sasuke into oblivion, "I don't, like, wear orange jumpsuits, I don't have blonde hair, and I TOTALLY, LIKE, DON'T FREAKING WORSHIP RAMEN, YOU PATHETIC STUCK-UP TWAT WHO WEARS HIS MOTHER'S PANTIES!"

Sakura practically broke into tears as Inner Sakura pounded Sasuke black and blue. Not that he wasn't black and blue already, but anyway…

Sasuke finally recovered from the initial shock and threw her off him, punching her back.

"Teme! Get the hell off her!" Naruto yelled, jumping off the bridge after them.

Kakashi closed his eyes in exaggerated patience. When he opened them again, Naruto was dog-paddling towards Sakura and Sasuke, who were crushing each other to bits. Naruto pulled Sasuke away from her and punched him across the water.

"I totally, like, don't need saving!" yelled Inner Sakura.

"Dobe, stay out of this!" hissed a pissed off Sasuke at the same time.

Kakashi desperately tried to remember the basic structure of chakra. Needless to say, it didn't work.

Be a good sensei…a good sensei…, Kakashi thought, despite the fact that a good sensei would've intervened hours ago.

"Teme, she's a girl!" Naruto yelled at Sasuke, completely ignoring Sakura's outburst, "You don't hit-"

"I DON'T NEED SAVING! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO-"

"Don't worry, Sakura, I'll save you!" Naruto declared, oblivious to Sakura's words, which was practically impossible because even the Village Hidden in the Mist heard it. Then again, this is fanfiction, so whatever.

Kakashi desperately held onto the last scrap of self-control he had. Focus on little orange book…focus on porn…no, erotic fiction…focus, dammit!

"RASENGAN!" Naruto shouted, or both he and his clone shouted, not because he knew how to summon a rasengan, but because the voices in his head told him to. Of course.

Sasuke blinked, "What- Chidori!" Again, pure instinct here. Both of them narrowed their eyes at each other, as much as they could while concentrating on not tripping over cow shit. It was like some sort of deja vu.

Kakashi snapped and exploded simultaneously (yes, that is possible), "THAT'S IT, I'VE HAD ENOUGH!"

He leaped onto the river at a furious speed, so fast Sakura and Sasuke didn't notice until Kakashi grabbed them by their collars and threw them to opposite ends of the training field. He turned to Naruto and growled.

"Now it's your turn," he snarled.

Naruto closed his eyes on instinct. What would Kakashi do? Lightening Blade him into ramen slices? Set his dogs on him? Or-

"ONE THOUSAND YEARS OF DEATH!" Kakashi roared.

Naruto felt an inapt pain at his arse and flew into the air faster than Kakashi's spin and higher than Mount Fuji. In fact, he kept flying till he was just a speck in the sky.

...and then he kept flying.

Kakashi watched him fly into the stratosphere and barely dodge a plane. After a while, Sakura and Sasuke joined him.

"I suddenly feel much more at peace," Sakura remarked.

"Hn," Sasuke agreed.

Kakashi pulled out the little orange book, "Let's go out for some ramen."

Sakura agreed, tearing her eyes away from the sky, "Yeah, let's go."

* * *

To the two (haha, get it?) wonderful people who did review, thank you. You are wonderful, beautiful, amazing people. Wallow in your wonderful, beautiful, amazing-ness. KitKat made these trays of cookies for you.

_-gives ten trays of fresh, delicious, chocolate-chip cookies hot from the oven to the two wonderful, beautiful, amazing people wallowing in their wonderful, beautiful, amazing-ness-_

KitKat: _- twitches-_

Betty: Please review. Join the two wonderful, beautiful, amazing people and review. Review = more motivation for us = earlier update for you.

…

Yes, this is how low we are going to stoop to get you to review. Feel guilty, flocks of internet sheep. That's right, feel guilty for thinking about clicking that red cross. Wait, don't do that! You want to read this fic! Yes, you do! Like your mother used to say while smacking your ass with a sppon, it's for your own-

Wait, we haven't exposed you to our product placement yet (well, we have to make money somehow...)! Buy from eBay! Acai Berry really works! That's why we look so good! Oh, Master, we sexy 2D images await you in the spyware filled game Evony- wait, don't-

...damn it.


	3. The Kazekage's Tower

Greetings, my fellow earthlings (probably)! This is KitKat!

Sorry about the totally late update. I've got a violin exam on Saturday. It's completely mental in my house, but anyways...

Oh, and once again, I'm disappointed in you people. Get this: 150 hits and only 6 reviews? C'mon, people, you can do better!

To Eejit the 3rd: Glad you loved it :)

Anyhow, let's get on with the disclaimer and warning.

**Disclaimer:** Today's disclaimer is brought to you today by Gaara!

KitKat: _-sweatdrop-_

Gaara: Do I have to do this?

Betty: Yes. _-taps foot-_

Gaara: I'll kill you if you try my patience any further.

Betty: No, I'll kill you for being an albino dick.

Gaara: No, you won't.

Betty: Yes, I will.

Gaara: No, you won't.

KitKat: _-whispers something in Betty's ear-_

Betty: _-smirk-_ Yes, I will.

Gaara:_ -sweatdrop-_ No you, won't.

Betty: Have I ever mentioned how stupid you look with that melon on your back?

Gaara: It's a fricking gourd, okay? I'm tired of people mistaking my gourd for a fricking melon!

Betty: Well, anyway, no, you won't.

Gaara: Yes, I- damn!

Betty and KitKat: _-roll on floor laughing-_

Gaara: You know what? I quit the fanfiction agency! In fact, I quit Naruto!

KitKat: You can't quit Naruto! You're the only reason people read the manga!

Gaara: Well, yo've pushed me too far! I'll have to leave now!

Betty: No, you won't.

Gaara: Yes, I- don't start that again.

KitKat: Only if you do the disclaimer.

Gaara: Fine. KitKat 'n' Betty don't own Naruto or any of Kishimoto's creations, thank Kami.

KitKat: ...go on.

Gaara: _-sigh-_ However, they create the most delectable cookies I have ever seen. Now can I have one?

KitKat: Here you go _-passes cookie tray-_

Gaara:_ -runs away with tray-_

KitKat:_ -cries-_

**Warning:** Abuse of privacy (namely Gaara's, Temari's and Kankuro's), the Kazekage's tower, Naruto, Naruto's cheeks, Naruto's eyes, Naruto's hair, Naruto's arse, stockings, innocence, Shukaku, the tall nameless genin, Temari's boyfriends, author's notes, those line-thingys and the laws of physics. Also contains OOCness, some coarse language, and mentions of torture, death and some coarse language. Read at your own risk.

Now enjoy or go to hell.

* * *

Meanwhile:

"AAaaaaaaaAAAAAAAaaaaaHHHH!" Naruto screamed as he flew higher and higher into the air. What the hell is wrong with Kakashi today?, Naruto thought without ceasing his screaming, First he actually comes early to a lesson, which is already unbelievable enough. Then he rants on about how Rin and Obito came to him and started arguing in his living-room! Am I missing something?

Oh, yeah, not to mention he had 1000-Years-of-Death!-ed him INTO THE SKY!

While Naruto was pondering this, screaming, he flew, screaming, through a flock of birds. He ceased his screaming as he spat out a couple of feathers. He gagged a bit and continued screaming.  
Yes, screaming.

* * *

Meanwhile:

Anko picked up her enemy's head, savouring the smell of blood.

(A.N: Whoops, wrong fic…)

* * *

Around A Similar Time:

"…and after the initial count, we've officially killed 12, 768, 821 people this year and that is approximately 2 million over our initial estimations. Our graveyards are now full. The elder Unomo has put forward a suggestion to build a crematorium."

The adviser paused and looked up at the figure by the window. Gaara turned his head to the man, "Work on it."

"Yes, Kazekage-sama," the adviser quickly scribbled down something, "Hm…oh, the Water nation has offered a peace treaty."

"Tired of war already, hm?" Gaara muttered, "We're not the blubbering fools like the ones in Konoha." The adviser watched him curiously. Gaara dismissed it with a wave of his hand.

"Organise the ceremony at the soonest possible time," Gaara sighed, then smirked, "We'll have them on their knees in no time." His adviser raised his eyebrows.

Gaara spun around to meet the man, "Don't. Raise your eyebrows. At me."

The air crackled with the tension. The man quickly wet his lips, sweating, and quickly turned the page, "Let's move on to the complaints."

"Hn," Gaara walked back to his spot next to the window.

(A.N Betty: Why do they even bother with complaints? Gaara will just make the complainers mysteriously disappear!

KitKat: …)

"The village parents are complaining about the children who turn up dead in their beds after playing with water balloons in the street."

"The complaints are your problem, not mine. My job as Kazekage is to find the threats in our village and neutralize them before they rampage through the streets," Gaara said silkily.

"Yes, Kazekage-sempai," the adviser quickly drew a line through all the complaints, "Private messages…your sister has requested for you to clean up your room at an ear-piercing volume that knocked out several elders when she requested."

Gaara sighed, "Get the slaves to do it."

"We don't have any slaves, sir," his adviser said slowly.

"That's an oversight you must correct immediately," Gaara snapped, "Or get the next ambassador who comes here to do it."

"But that's Shikamaru Nara, the chunin who beat Temari in the chunin exams!" the adviser protested.

(A.N: KitKat: Oh, look, a protestor. How long till he's down, you think?

Betty: Let's see…10 000 yen on two minutes?

KitKat: Sure. Love the cookies though.)

Gaara shot an irritated glare at the adviser, "Almost beat," he corrected.

"No, he beat-" the adviser stopped when he saw the irritated-now-turned-murderous look on Gaara's face.

"I said almost beat," Gaara hissed.

The adviser sweat-dropped, "…okay, Gaara-sempai."

"So he's the fire ambassador?" Gaara smirked, "How…nice."

The adviser continued, terrified now, "And your brother has informed you that, due to the fact that his office is barely hospitable, his cleaner has collapsed once more, this time failling to regain a heartbeat. He needs a new one."

"Just hire him a new one, then," Gaara muttered.

"Well…" the adviser mumbled; he did not want to get killed on the second day as adviser; one more day and he'd beat the record, "This happens to be the 492nd time a cleaner has collapsed on the job…and this also happens to be the 492nd that Kankuro-sama has tortured the cleaner into insanity, or in this case, death. So…none of the cleaners want to take the job anymore," the adviser finished in an undertone.

Gaara muttered a string of curses under his breath, then looked up, "Is that all?"

The adviser jerked, "Yes, but what about Kankuro-sama's-"

"I'll deal with it," Gaara replied, irritated.

(A.N Betty: Here's where I start my telepathic messaging.  
-sends telepathic message, because I fucking can-

KitKat: What are you doing?

Betty: I'm going to make an obscure plot involving showers and nudity in hope it will amuse our readers.

KitKat: That sounds like American sitcoms, only more civilised.)

"Hm," Gaara straightened up and frowned, "I have a sudden urge to have a shower. I feel filthy."

"You are filthy," the adviser muttered as quietly as he could. The illogical fool was dead before he hit the ground.

(A.N KitKat: And that was 1 minute, 58.75 seconds.

Betty: Damn.

-hands over wad of yen-

KitKat: Thank you.

-counts money, whistling-)

* * *

Meanwhile, in a absurdly short plot twist:

Kankuro was torturing his latest victim (Temari's boyfriend…at least, I think it's Temari's boyfriend…hard to tell with all those whip marks…) when he had a sudden urge to have a shower; so he threw the lucky guy out of the window and went to the bathroom.

* * *

Meanwhile, in a similarly short plot twist, only shorter and this pun is just lame now, so I'll stop...:

Temari was about to destroy Gaara's room with a wind-storm when she decided to go back and have a shower instead. So, in true Temari style, she did.

* * *

Meanwhile, on the orange side of things:

Naruto saw the border of the fire country pass under him and groaned.

I'm never going to get back to that ticking microwave in time..., he bemoaned to himself. The laws of physics and gravity suddenly changed just for him and Naruto found himself hurling towards what looked like Suna, recognising the shape from his previous jet flights to Suna.

Oh, shut up, nit-pickers. In the distance he spotted the Kazekage's tower. For some strange reason mankind has yet to discover, and womankind has already known for thousands of years, the spikes on the Kazekage's tower grew larger…and sharper.

(A.N KitKat: I guess if Naruto was spiked, it'd be hilarious, but then our story would end!

Betty: He's a main character, he's practically immune to being spiked into kebabs!

KitKat: Just in case?

Betty: ...fine.

KitKat: Cut off the hot water while you're at it.

Betty: If you ask for anything else I'll tear your balls off.)

Naruto stared in disbelief at the tall spikes on the tower grew. Then they began to wobble.

"NNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Naruto screamed, closing his eyes as he hurtled towards his death.

(A.N: Shameless advertising: See 'Big No', TV Tropes)

* * *

Meanwhile:

"Crap," Gaara muttered as the hot water disappeared from the flow of water.

He harshly twisted off the water and stepped out of cubicle, wrapping a towel around his waist. …

* * *

Meanwhile:

"What the f-" Kankuro's tongue suddenly froze as the hot water disappeared from his shower. Grumbling, he continued to clean himself. After all, he still hadn't got all the blood stains off from the last victim.  
"Stupid council members for not funding the hot water system," Kankuro snarled to himself, scrubbing the tattoos off his face. He still hadn't got all the blood stains off from the last victim.

* * *

Meanwhile:

"Oh, great," Temari swore as the hot water disappeared, to be replaced by freezing cold. She hissed in annoyance as she turned off the spray, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around her waist.

* * *

Meanwhile:

"Aa-ouch!" Naruto yelped as he bounced off the spike.

Wait...bounced off the spike? What the hell?

Then he was falling, sliding extremely slowly down the side of the Kazekage's tower.

Let the fun begin.

* * *

Meanwhile:

"Aa-ouch!" Naruto yelped as he bounced off the spike. Wait...bounced off the spike? What the hell? Then he was falling, sliding extremely slowly down the side of the Kazekage's tower.

Let the fun begin.

* * *

His feet reached the end of the window and he hoped, no, begged, that it was empty. Unfortunately for him, it was the level of a certain Kazekage called Gaara. And coincidentally, the person named Gaara had just had his hot water system cut off while showering. And the Kazekage called Gaara had come out of the bathroom, looking for his clothes. Need I say more?

"Aaah!" Naruto screamed in horror, "My eyes! My eyes!" Bad move. Very bad move. Gaara had heard him.

Who do I have to kill to solve this problem?, was the thought that accompanied Gaara's mad ranting and swearing, and maniacal banging on the shower head, leading it to fall off. Gaara was searching for some clothes when he heard a horrified yell. He turned around slowly. If it was an invader, he didn't want to fight in this compromising situation, but he guessed he would, anyway. His eyes met the gruesome sight. It wasn't an invader. It was worse.

It was a blonde without boobs.

Must…not…kill…freak…of…nature…Must…resist…temptation…

]  
"Do you mind, you sick insignificant creature?" Gaara growled, "If you weren't travelling at such a fast snail-pace I would kill you but you are too fast for me and my sand. Just get out of my sight, you boobless yellow haired pervert." Naruto desperately tried to tear his face away. Or at least close his eyes. And once again, he failed miserably.

Get out! Get out!, he shook his head furiously as images of a partially naked Gaara with his waist fortunately wrapped in a towel danced before his eyes. He almost vomited.

"Don't even think of drooling on my window," snarled Gaara as he slid down.

He slid down. He slid down! Relief! Nothing could be worse than seeing what he had just seen! Right? Right? Unbeknownst, and unfortunately, to/for him, the next level was Temari's.

* * *

Temari tried to force her foot through a silk stocking. She cursed as her heel tore through the bottom once again. She threw the silk stocking onto a pile of silk stockings that, funnily enough, was as tall, if not taller, as the pile of broken alarm clocks beside Naruto's bed.

"Damn the stupid Mist Village and their stupid alliance formals," muttered Temari, grabbing another silk stocking beside her bed. Well, at least she had plenty of them. There was a sudden choking sound from her window. She frowned. Wait a second...

A blonde, whiskered blob was descending down her window at snail's pace. A male blonde whiskered blob that would soon be dead. She gritted her teeth. Why, you ask? Because there was no question about what the identity of the blob was. It was a boobless blonde.

"DIE!" she screamed, sending a kunai through her window. It just barely missed the top of Naruto's head, slicing a section of his hair off.

Luckily, the gravity and laws of physics changed again just especially for him, because if he had died the story would end, and you wouldn't want that, now would you?

He shuddered. He would have been thinking perverted thoughts, except this was Temari, who could rip his head off with a windstorm, as well as being the sister of the two psychotic nut jobs of Suna; one of whom never slept and was the host of an insane monster, the other of whom wore makeup and played with puppets. So, valuing his life, he decided to not think perverted thoughts. After all, you never knew who might be reading your thoughts. And what was with all her stockings? Really. I mean, it wasn't even funny or anything.

He looked down. Finally! The last level! He was almost on the ground! He did a celebratory wriggle on the glass, then froze. First he had passed Gaara's level, followed by Temari's. So, if there was only one level left, and one sibling left to go, then…

Oh.

With the magical powers of deduction, Naruto worked out who's level it was. If there was anything worse than Gaara with the top of his bum crack showing and a Temari clothed in a bra, underwear and ripped stockings, it was a naked Kankuro. And because fate hated him so much, (or is it just us?) this level was Kankuro's level.

Some time ago:

(A.N: Yes, the freaking story is not in chronological order.)

Kankuro glared at the floor of the shower. A watery red puddle slowly gurgled down the drain. He couldn't remember smelling this good since…

Flashback: (On a Tuesday)

"Hey, Kankuro!"

Kankuro glared at the person from inside the cubicle, "Get lost!"

"I can't believe you're having a shower!" the guy said from outside the cubicle, "You're such a sissy!"

"Sissy? Me?" Kankuro growled and started to summon his puppets.

"Save your energy, kid. You couldn't beat me if your life depended on it," the tall genin smirked. When Kankuro finished torturing the genin, it was Saturday. Since then, he was too busy torturing people to take showers.

:End Flashback

Kankuro went out over to the mirror and quickly painted his purple tattoos on.

(A.N: Yes, the secret of Kankuro's cool tattoos have been revealed! Purple face paint!)

Damn the stupid voice that told him to have a shower. He was becoming a sissy!

Sissy... sissy... The ghostly voice of the nameless genin haunted his mind. Ugh, he really needed to do something with his imagination. Put it to use, obviously. Maybe this time his victim would get the privilege of actually being bashed up by him, instead of his puppets. Yeah...

But first he needed to find some clothes. Preferably boxers first.

Quickly fanning, yes, fanning the paint dry, he walked out of the bathroom. Now he couldn't smell his own usual musk, he could smell the full stench of his room. It smelt of rotting corpses. He also noticed the crusted splashes of blood on the walls and carpet...

Aw, I just washed my feet, Kankuro thought as his feet were soaked in blood.

Why did he request for carpet anyway?

Maybe concrete would be better. Then again, steel would be nice. Or marble. Or maybe sand.

…

Then again, maybe he'd keep his carpet. And Gaara could keep his sand. Well, keep his sand away from his internal organs that is. But that left him with finding his clothes. He swept his gaze across the room. He hadn't gone two inches from the window when he froze.

Something was sliding excruciatingly slowly down his window. Actually, more like someone. Someone with whiskers, blue eyes and spiky blonde hair with a section that looked strangely like it had been cut off with a kunai. Now, who was the only person he knew with whiskers, blue eyes, spiky blonde hair and was dumb enough to let an enemy get close enough to slice part of his hair off?

…

Apart from a boobless blonde, because were so many of those around.

...

He decided he didn't need to look any further to find a suitable torture victim.

Naruto froze. Here was his death sentence. Kankuro. Grinning. Sadistically. At him. He just hoped no one would urinate on his gravestone.

(A.N. KitKat: Hm, looks like Naruto's gonna die.

Betty: Well, we can't have that, can we?

KitKat: Guess I'll have to undo the attraction -sighs-

Betty: Hard work never ends, does it?

KitKat: Mm-hmm.)

Just as Kankuro's hand punched through the glass, which was already partially cracked for several unknown reasons, Naruto plummeted to the ground to what he considered his death. But, of course, would only be a painful ass-whipping.

* * *

A few minutes ago:

Gaara then had a sudden urge to run down to the bottom of the tower. He frowned. It was almost as though… someone was pushing thoughts into his head. But the last vestiges of Gaara's shattered sanity insisted that he was just being stupid. Of course you are, the voice said snidely in his head.

Shukaku?, he asked, Is that you?

What the hell? Of course not! I'm not some stupid fluffy little raccoon. I'm B- The voice was cut off with a noise that sound strangely like a hand slamming over a mouth.

(A.N. KitKat: Betty, we're not supposed to reveal our identities to the characters!

Betty: -muffled protest-

KitKat: Ah…sorry -releases Betty-)

Then strange sparkles started floating down around Gaara, wiping his memories of the past few seconds.

"Now where were we? , the voice asked

Going to the bottom of the tower, Gaara responded dully.

Yes, crooned the voice. Wonderful. Gaara felt too confused to think properly.

Just go down, the voice crooned again. Yes, yes, just a little further…

Gaara then felt himself outside in the glaring sun. Why it was glaring, though, is a different story altogether...

* * *

Meanwhile:

"Aaah!" Naruto screamed in a strangely high-pitched voice as ravaging winds, kunai, shuriken, senbon and other weapons of all shapes and sizes rained down upon him. He was too busy trying not to end up as a pincushion to notice a certain angry Kazekage beneath him.

* * *

A few minutes ago:

Gaara stepped over a body with still bleeding cuts that looked strangely like the mist ambassador chunin that Temari attempted to have a date with. Unsurprisingly, it had signs of being mauled by Kankuro's puppet.

Then he heard a strangely familiar scream as he saw the sight of his siblings' murderous looks. Temari was waving her fan around wildly. She threw the last kunai in her hand before other things like fragile china rained down, as well as more peculiar things like the stockings he had spent a substantial amount of money on buying for her, and other objects which Gaara had no idea of the purpose for.

Kankuro, on the other hand, was shooting poison tipped senbon from his puppets. He swore as they ran out and then things like knives, forks and other pieces of expensive cutlery were hurled down, as well as mauled books around the size of Gaara's head. Self help books, to be precise. Interestingly, they were titled things like: How to Be the Boss of Your Anger, How to Deal with your Anger and Gain Respect, as well as How to Turn from Psychotic Nut-Job into Esteemed Citizen in Just Several Decades.

Gaara then came to the conclusion that this boobless blonde was not gay but bisexual. It seemed like he wasn't the only one who had been abused by the eyes of the boobless blonde. His anger increased. Not only did he have the nerve to perv-

(A.N. Hey, that rhymes!)

-on the Kazekage of the Wind country himself, but he had abused the privacy of the captain of the interrogation unit as well as the female representative of Suna!

Gaara found himself rushing forward, hands clasped, two index fingers pointing up.

Naruto finally looked down and saw Gaara, sand swirling around him, hands clasped in a familiar hand seal. Oh, Kami no, not the-

"One Thousand Years of Death!" Gaara snarled viciously, his hands moving up at lightning speed. Naruto felt an inappropriate pain in his arse and flew up until he was no more than a speck in the sky...and then he kept flying.

Gaara froze and stared at his fingers in horror. What had he done? He picked up the largest battle axe and began to hack at his fingers. Fortunately, (or unfortunately depending on how you think of it) the sand blocked the axe blade so it rebounded with a funny little ping.

"Stop it!" he screamed aloud to the Shukaku. Temari and Kankuro rushed down. They knew that if they spoke, there was a likely chance that they might end up in Gaara's sand, or worse have their heads on a platter garnished and marinaded in special dressing for the next Mist Alliance dinner. It was then Temari noticed the still body on the ground.

"Kankuro," she snarled. "How do you ever expect me to have a love life? Just because you'll remain a single bastard for the rest of your life, doesn't mean-"

"Uh, Temari, now's probably not the time," Kankuro said.

"The last time I tried cleaning your puppet I found my 26th boyfriend inside!"

(A.N. That gives a whole new meaning to the phrase overprotective brothers, don't you think?)

"Uh…Temari…"

"Don't interrupt me, you fat bellied snake! You know that started a war! A war that lasted a year! That-"

"Temari!" Kankuro grabbed Temari by the shoulder and turned her to Gaara, who was hacking at his finger at regular intervals, say, 50 times per second. Every single hack was blocked by the wall of sand, which made Gaara increase his speed to 100 hacks per second. Every blow gave off a vibration that resonated throughout Suna.

"Hey, little bro, maybe you should stop," suggested Kankuro timidly.

"NO!" Gaara yelled in a crazed manner.

"It's not going to work," said Temari tiredly, glaring pointedly at Kankuro.

"It has to!" Gaara screamed. "It has to…"

Shukaku sighed in irritancy as Gaara continued pointlessly hacking at his appendage. This was getting rather irritating. If Gaara persisted, he would still be blocking it millions of years later. What was even more irritating was the stupid girly voice that invaded his personal space and controlled Gaara even better than he did. It was insulting. Was he not the one-tailed Shukaku, powerful enough to destroy millions of shinobi nations? The only person that had been able to do that was the Madara Uchiha, and that was because the Sharingan.

Shukaku growled in frustration as his pathetic host ramped up his hacking to 200 times per second. How pathetic.

Gaara was getting rather tired of hacking at his finger but he had to persevere. If there were two things that Naruto had taught him, it was that perseverance equals power and success and miso ramen was the best of them all, hands down. What am I thinking?, Gaara wondered, still furiously hacking at his finger, I must be going insane…

He briefly wondered why that boobless blonde had seemed so familiar. Before he could link the two and die of shame, however, he dismissed the thought. After all, Naruto being the boobless blonde was a stupid thought. There were so many of those, after all.

* * *

Oh, and to the two wonderful people who did review, thank you. You are wonderful, beautiful, amazing people. Wallow in your wonderful, beautiful, amazing-ness. KitKat made these trays of cookies for you.  
-gives ten trays of fresh, delicious, chocolate-chip cookies hot from the oven to the two wonderful, beautiful, amazing people wallowing in their wonderful, beautiful, amazing-ness-  
KitKat: - twitches-  
Betty: Please review. Join the two wonderful, beautiful, amazing people and review. Review = more motivation for us = earlier update for you.

Yes, this is how low we are going to stoop to get you to review. Feel guilty, flocks of internet sheep. That's right, feel guilty for thinking about clicking that red cross. Wait, don't do that! You want to read this fic! Yes, you do! Like your mother used to say while smacking your ass with a sppon, it's for your own-  
Wait, we haven't exposed you to our product placement yet (well, we have to make money somehow...)! Buy from eBay! Acai Berry really works! That's why we look so good! Oh, Master, we sexy 2D images await you in the spyware filled game Evony- wait, don't-  
...damn it.

* * *

**Sometime Later:**

Naruto groaned again as he zoomed through the air, speeding forward like a bullet. It was definitely unnatural to be able to defy gravity like this. For a moment he wondered if it was all a dream. Yeah…it had to be. After all, Kakashi was _never _early, Kankuro _never_ took showers and Gaara would _never_ humiliate his fingers like that…yeah…

His fickle mind suddenly glimpsed a sight that was the antidote to every single bad thing in the universe. Ichiraku! Until he saw, with a sinking feeling, the three people sitting there. His teammates. And once again, the unbendable laws of the universe were stretched yet again and he suddenly fell at the speed of 100 tonnes of ramen towards his doom.

* * *

And that, my friends, is the 3rd chapter of One Thousand Years of Death!

Gaara: I still don't understand why I had to be bare-chested.

KitKat: Don't worry, you're still adorable no matter what you're waering!

Gaara: ...

Betty: You spelt wearing wrong.

KitKat: Oh. Whoops.

Anyhow, what will happen next? Will Naruto die? Or will he fly in the sky forever? And why am I asking these stupid questions? Stay tuned for the next chapter!

To the reviewers again, thank you. You don't know what it means to actually be getting reviews.

And to all the other 756 people who read this fic, please press that green button below.

On that note, see you in a week. Maybe.


	4. Back In Ichiraku

Hey, this is KitKat! Betty's on the phone again!

Betty: What?

Sorry, she's playing mahjong. Anyway, we're getting better. Four reviews in one week. How _wonderful_.

_-vindictive glare-_

Anyway, thank you to all the reviewers! Cookies below if you wish to enjoy them!

Now onto the disclaimer and warning...

**Disclaimer:**

KitKat: Hey, Betty, I worked out how not to get bashed up!

_(Evil-plotting-people ninja come and bash KitKat up)_

Betty: How?

_(Inquisitive-ninja come and bash Betty up)_

KitKat: Watch this. -raises voice- KitKat 'n' Betty _do _own the Naruto series and KISHIMOTO SUCKS! I MEAN, WHAT WAS IT WITH THE 'LOVE ADMITATION' SCENE?

_(Disclaimer-ninja and Kishimoto-advocate-ninja fly in at the same time and bash each other up.)_

KitKat and Betty:_ -cackles evilly-_

Betty: Well, they won't be bothering us any soon!

_(Contradictive-ninja come in and bash KitKat and Betty up.)_

**Warning:** Abuse of Naruto, Naruto's arse, ramen, ramen bowls, ramen soup, Kakashi's hair, Sasuke's hair, Sakura's hair, Sakura's dignity, table edges, the female population of Konoha, some of the male population of Konoha, Hinata's stalking time, a mysterious woollen jumper, the time continuum, those line-thingys, author's notes and the laws of physics. Also coarse language, heavy sarcasm, and mentions of homosexuality. Read at your own risk.

Now enjoy or go to hell.

* * *

_**Where we left off last time:**_

_His fickle mind suddenly glimpsed a sight that was the antidote to every single bad thing in the universe. Ichiraku! _

_Until he saw, with a sinking feeling, the three people sitting there. His teammates. And once again, the unbendable laws of the universe were stretched yet again as he suddenly fell at the speed of 100 tons of ramen towards his doom…_

* * *

"Three bowls of miso ramen coming right up!" said Teuchi before plopping three huge bowls in front of their faces.

Kakashi glanced at Team 7 again, wondering what on earth had made him buy them ramen in the first place. He turned his gaze at his ramen bowl again.

Like _the elite perceptive jounin ninja he was_, he failed to notice the hungry stares of Sakura and Sasuke…

…that were on his mask.

"Itadakimasu," said Sasuke with a strange mixture of arrogance, charm, huskiness, and of course awe-inspiring coolness that only he could pull off.

Every single Sasuke fan girl within a one hundred mile radius promptly fainted with shock and awe. Sakura clenched her fingers desperately on the edge of the serving table. Must resist…must show Sasuke…my strength…

The table edge crumpled into dust.

Ah…whoops.

"This one's on me," Kakashi said smoothly.

The rest of the female population that hadn't been knocked out by Sasuke's coolness, and several of the male population, promptly keeled over just like the females before them.

Sakura once again felt utterly pathetic beside her sensei and the love of her life. They could knock out hundreds of females with just the sound of their voice! Suddenly Sakura smiled. If they could do it, why couldn't she? Worth a shot.

"Thank you so much," she simpered, fluttering her eyes in a flirtatious manner, mouth curved in a vivacious smirk.

Sasuke and Kakashi turned simultaneously, eyes twitching. She heard a distant thud. That's when she realized that every male in the nearest vicinity weren't moving. More accurately, they were lying on the ground. In a splayed position. With the exception of her teammates, of course.

She sweat dropped. When she had wanted to test out her theory she hadn't expected it to be this effective! Suddenly she realized. If everybody was unconscious… they just might have a chance of seeing Kakashi without his mask!

"Um…" Sakura couldn't believe her luck, "Dig in, sensei!"

An awkward silence ensued. Then they were interrupted by perhaps the only conscious person in Konoha. Who, ironically was…

(A.N KitKat: Wait for it…wait for it…)

"S-sakura-chan, S-sasuke-kun, K-k-kakashi-senpai!" Hinata stuttered, her fingers fidgeting and twirling around each other in little circles. "D-do you h-have any i-idea w-where N-n-naruto-kun is?"

"Hn," Sasuke replied uninterestedly.

Sakura felt slightly guilty. It was partially her fault that Kakashi had booted Naruto to who knows where. Kakashi returned to his porn-_ahem_-erotic fiction book, trying to maintain a dignified silence. He failed. He began to let out a stream of obvious-_ahem-_subtle giggles.

(A.N. Kakashi: It's not porn! Its erotic fiction!

Betty and Kit Kat: Kakashi-sensei, copy ninja of Konoha, almighty reader of porn and the most perverted old man in the universe, I can't believe you don't even recognize the shameful thing that you're reading!

Kakashi: _-faints-_

Betty: Hah! Serves him right!

Kit Kat: K-kakashi?

Betty: Ah, this'll take a while. You okay, Kat?)

"Ah, s-sorry," muttered Hinata. "J-just tell N-naruto-kun I came please? I-I need to t-tell him something imp-portant..."

She frowned as she glanced around at all the unconscious bodies. She gave a confused glance at Team 7, which they ignored, before walking away.

Another silence ensued before Sakura thought to say, "Go on, Kakashi," she urged yet again, "Eat up."

"Yeah," said Sasuke again in a totally un-Sasuke way. He had obviously caught on to what Sakura was thinking, "Don't worry, I'll pay."

He was worried Kakashi would play another stunt to escape from them seeing his mask. He could just imagine it…

The females that had begun twitching on the street floor were once again knocked out by the sheer sound of Sasuke's voice. Sakura's heart beat faster. She was finally going to see Kakashi sensei's mysterious face!

"The dobe isn't here to mess it up," Sasuke whispered to Sakura.

She nodded her head in agreement.

(A.N. Betty: Ah, Sasuke, you jinxed it! _–cackles evilly-)_

"Yeah," said Sakura dazedly, partially enjoying the close proximity with a certain Mr-Chicken-Arse-Hair there. "I mean, Naruto couldn't possibly land right here, right now, right?"

"Hn," said Sasuke, like the emo-bastard he was.

(A.N Betty:_ -cough cough- -then smirks-_

Kit Kat: Sakura! How could you underestimate us like that?)

Kakashi raised a single eyebrow at his students. Sakura was one thing, but Sasuke? Offering to pay for his meal when he was the one that treated them in the first place? This was a little suspicious.

Nevertheless, he reached for his chopsticks. Then slowly, _excruciatingly _slowly, his fingers reached for his mask. Sakura watched, heart pounding. It was the longest few seconds of Sakura's life. Time seemed to stand still as his fingers twitched towards his mask. She was caught up in it now, so caught up, in fact, that she didn't noticed a breeze coming from overhead, the distant scream of an annoying, knuckle-headed, hyperactive fox ninja, or the sudden whiff of fox, bird poo, sand, blood and ramen from above. Perhaps it was just as well.

Kakashi's mask slid down as slowly as a slug. No, a snail. A slow, elderly snail with mobility problems. Slowly, ever so slowly the mask slid down his nose, to reveal the tip… Sakura's own nose felt the twitch of an impending nosebleed. No_… focus on Sasuke's coolness, must resist…_

Kakashi's mask slid lower, ever lower to reveal his-

"YaaaAAAAHHHH!" Naruto's voice heightened to an unholy volume and...

(A.N: Kit Kat: Here we go again. Anti-gravity dust?

Betty: Check.

Kit Kat: Optimum landing position?

Betty: Check.

Kit Kat: Mental Telepathic Connections?

Betty: Check.

Kit Kat: One Thousand Years of Death in Place?

Betty: Of course. Who the hell do you think I am?

Kit Kat: I-I'm sorry... *cries*

Betty: …)

Naruto plummeted at a speed faster than light and sound combined and fell right smack on top of their ramen bowls in such a way that the soup and noodles flipped up into the air. The scene suddenly fell into slow motion with violins attached. The trio stared as the ramen noodles and soup with extra flavour and low calories fell down and landed on their diners' hair.

Kakashi glared murderously at Naruto as his precious head of gravity defying grey-_ahem-_silver hair was splashed by evil ramen soup! Being splashed by water at three in the morning thanks to a vindictive vengeful Anko was enough but miso ramen soup? He almost broke down in tears. It was his pride, his ancestry! His Hatake ancestors had spent years perfecting the gravity-defying hairdo no jutsu, all to be ruined by that…that…

Sasuke's eyebrows flew to his hairline. His marvellous chicken-arse hairstyle was ruined, _ruined_! How could he defeat Itachi as the heir of the Uchiha now? Itachi's mocking laughter rang through his head again. How could he ever hope to be Itachi's equal if his hairstyle was so pathetic? His eyebrows then flew low again, eyes narrowing. Dobe…

Sakura hissed at Naruto, screech forming in her throat. Unluckily for her, the ramen noodles had landed on top of her hair, as well as the soup. Her hair was now as bad as Ino-pig's! How could she ever hope to win Sasuke's heart now?

Naruto… NARUTO… NARUTO!

"How dare you ruin my gravity defying/chicken-arse/pink hairstyle!" they growled/hissed/ screeched together, "You little prick/dobe/baka! This calls for desperate measures!"

Naruto desperately tried to wriggle away, but to no avail. He could only wait as fate-

(A.N: Hey, that rhymes too!)

-drew time together like the loose ends of a woollen jumper.

**"One Thousand Years of Death!"** they yelled together, capitals and all.

Three hands, driven by fury, aimed themselves at exactly the same place. Naruto's arse. Naruto's eyes widened as he desperately tried to roll over. Bad move. Needless to say, it was painful and embarrassing. For Naruto that is.

He screamed like a stuck pig (well, he did have three pairs of fingers inside him after all), defied gravity and flew east. Another silence ensued, no longer awkward, but peaceful and content.

"And that, my friends," Kakashi announced grandly, "Is the value of teamwork."

They turned to watch Naruto, for the third time today, soar in a wide arc over the sky.

Sakura and Sasuke then turned to look at Kakashi in (Sakura's case) awe and (Sasuke's case) mild respect. Then the awe/respect-filled moment with their sensei was shattered by Sasuke, who commented,

"When was the last time we did something that cool?"

Sakura suddenly saw herself battling Zabuza and Haku, which was months ago. She relished the awesome coolness of the scene, and most of all, the poetry of Sasuke in motion… his Sharingan activating… his speed…

She was disappointed when she was jerked back to the real world.

"It was months ago on the mission to the Land of Waves!" she commented more quietly than usual.

This didn't last as she realized the enormity of the situation.

"I had a flashback!" she cried, "I'm as cool as Sasuke, I'm as cool as Sasuke, take that, Ino-pig, CHA!"

"Uh…no you're not?" Sasuke said after another awkward silence.

Sakura's heart shattered and her dignity was crushed to bits…again.

* * *

And that's the fourth chapter! Yes, we did it!

Well, anyway, the updates should be on a weekly basis now, 'cause our exams are over! Woot!

Betty: And you people don't have an excuse not to review. -glares-

Yeah, what she said. Anyway, to those reviewers who reviewed, thank you so much! Ten reviews! Yay, we have conquered half of the fanfction stories that are our size!

Oh, COOKIES TO YOU ALL! AND EXTRA COOKIES TO THE ONES THAT REVIEWED TWICE!

**AND EXTRA COOKIES THAT REVIEWED THRICE! YOU ROCK! DEDICATED CHAPTERS ARE COMING SOON!**

...

NO SPOILER NINJA! WOOT!

Spoiler ninja: Sorry, subway express was delayed. Where were we?

_(spoiler ninja come in and bash KitKat up)_

KitKat: Help me here!

Betty: _-plays mahjong-_

KitKat: _-vein throb-_

On that note, see you in a week. Maybe.


	5. In the Hyuuga Household

Aaaaaaaand hello, everybody, this is KitKat! Sorry, Betty ain't here, she's at jazz.

Sorry about the late update (by a few days, mind), but reviews are getting better. To those of you who didn't review yet, let's try harder, shall we?

Oh. It's been brought to my attention that some of you are criticising the amount and length of the authour's notes. I've consulted with Betty and we've decided to shorten the length and amount of authour's notes when and if possible. The thing is, I don't really see the problem with author's notes, since if you don't want to read them you can ignore them, and they seem quite funny and do fit in with the story line, but in case you can't see the **A.N** sign in front of all the author's notes, I've bolded all the authour's notes for you guys. Hope it's enough.

Okay, onto the disclaimer and warning...

**Disclaimer:**

KitKat: KitKat 'n' Betty do not own the Naruto series-

___Random readers_: Yes, I know...

KitKat: -which is obvious due to the fact the Naruto manga isn't in our name-

_____Random readers_: Duh...

KitKat: -and the facts that if it were ours, all the kunoichi would be way more powerful-

_____Random readers_: And beat all the boys, I know, I know...

KitKat: _-a bit annoyed-_ -Sasuke would've returned to Konoha already-

_____Random readers_: I know that...

KitKat: _-really annoyed-_ -and it wouldn't be avaliable to some people-

_____Random readers_: I know that as well...

KitKat: -like the pain in the butts that apparently already _know what I'm saying-_

_Random readers: -chuckle- Yeah, I know-_

KitKat: -who won't get a complimentary cookie at the end.

Random readers: _Yeah, I- what?_

**Warning: **Abuse of Naruto, Naruto's arse, Naruto's tasting cells, Naruto's teeth, Naruto's spine, Naruto's clothes, Naruto's vocal cords, once-solid bird faeces, Hinata, Hinata's stalking-_ahem_-helping-Naruto time, Hinata's tongue, Hinata's privacy, Hinata's dignity, Neji, Neji's fingers, the fibre of Neji's being, the ceilings of the head house bathroom, the hot water system, a tree, the use of author's notes, those line thingys and the laws of physics. Also mentions of intense hatred of family/clan members and non-existent beings, nudity and some coarse language, and overuse of the words fate, fateful, and any other versions of the word previously mentioned. Read at your own risk.

Now enjoy or go to hell.

* * *

_**Where we left off last time**:_

_She was disappointed when she was jerked back to the real world._

_"It was months ago on the mission to the Land of Waves!" she commented more quietly than usual._

_This didn't last as she realized the enormity of the situation._

_"I had a flashback!" she cried. "I'm as cool as Sasuke, I'm as cool as Sasuke, take that, Ino-pig, CHA!"_

_"Uh…no you're not?" Sasuke said after another awkward silence._

_Sakura's heart shattered and her dignity was crushed to bit...again..._

* * *

"Aaah-ch!" Naruto choked as he felt something squishy fly into his mouth. What…?

Then Naruto felt the horrible taste of crap in his mouth.

"Ach!" he screamed, choking and spitting as the once solid bird crap melted in his mouth like fairy floss.

What the hell? He was comparing bird s**t with fairy floss while flying into the clouds because his three teammates had one-thousand-years-of-death-ed him into the sky! At the same time! Was he the only one who knew just how painful it was?

…why was he even thinking anyway?

**(A.N: Good question) **

Now, what was he doing before again? Oh, right.

"AAHHHHH!" he continued screamed, louder this time, just enough to highlight the pain and suffering he was going through.

Once his vocal chords had demented themselves to shreds (and the poor, ever-suffering Kyuubi was left with fixing it for the 4,729,315th time -geez, the bare volume and pitch of the shouting Naruto did on a regular basis would have driven a normal person deaf...and maybe mute too), Naruto stopped screaming himself hoarse, because while it is fun to scream yourself hoarse, once you are hoarse and no sound comes out of your gaping mouth, it isn't so fun anymore.

So now, poor Naruto was left with doing something useful for once and looking around. And because we authoresses like to be slightly original, he was flying in a different direction this time. A fateful direction.

Naruto strained his eyes, making out a strange building below. In fact, it wasn't even a proper building at all! It was this maze of rooms, with a pale glassy roof. Naruto grimaced. He really didn't want to land there. Even this high in the sky, the maze seemed to exude doom from every glassy well-polished roof pane.

And with amazing predictability and timing, as soon as the thought left his head, the gravitational pull of the earth intensified 7000-fold and Naruto was left wondering why the laws of physics hated him so much.

**(A.N. Betty: Is it even possible for natural laws to hate non-existent beings? **

**Kit Kat: Well, if you were constantly being defied, you'd hate the non-existent beings that defied you as well. **

**Betty: … **

**Kit Kat: Geez, Masashi Kishimoto warps the laws of physics as much as we do. I don't even think the laws of physics apply to the ninjas in the manga. **

**Betty: Well, they are pretty fit, I guess. They're ninjas.**

**Kit Kat: Chouji? Fit? In the same sentence? As in, leaping from treetop to treetop fit? **

**Betty: You've got a point. But… **

**Kit Kat: Yeah, yeah. I know. But really, who were the stupid scientists that came up with the laws of physics in the first place? **

_**-science-fearing ninja swing in with toxin darts combined with stabbing urges- **_

**Betty: -_groans-_ Who knew that those types of ninja existed? **

**Kit Kat: Well, they're definitely hypocrites. Ninjas are the very being of defying science! **

_**-That's It We've Had Enough Of You!-ninjas come in, raising kunais simultaneously- **_

**Betty: … **

**Kit Kat: Cool.) **

So because the laws of fate, physics, jinxing and the two authoresses in general, Naruto once again plummeted towards his fateful doom.

* * *

**Some time ago:**

A sad Hinata walked home, mourning the fact that she had had no chance to stalk-_ahem_-tell something to her precious Naruto-kun.

"Oh, you'll see him soon enough…" whisper a malevolent voice in her mind, "Or more like he'll see you."

Hinata shuddered. That voice…it freaked her out…

**(A.N: Betty: Ah…whoops.)**

The street was empty, but the silence only increased her terror and Hinata started running. She reached the door of the Hyuuga estate, panting and knocking on the wood frantically, bravely ignoring the scary texture of the wood. For a strange, unknown reason, it was Neji that opened the door. Hinata's heart practically leapt into her throat as she froze in dread. Oh no…

"N-neji-kun," she managed to stutter.

Neji glared at her, an elegantly arched eyebrow raised in the contemptuous mocking fashion that only Hyuugas could pull off. After all, the Uchihas had the _I-am-so-much-better-than-thou_ heart-throb glare, the Naras had the _you-are-so-stupid-but-I'm-too-lazy-to-care_ glare, and the Aburames had the _I-am-perpetually-annoyed_ dark glasses glare, etc, but the Hyuugas were famed for the _how-useless-can-you-possibly-be-you'd-be-better-off-bowing-to-me-you-poor-useless-wretch_ all seeing eye glare.

And, needless to say, Neji was a master.

"What, Hinata, cat got your tongue?" he asked in a mocking, derisive tone.

"N-no," Hinata forced out of her mouth, fear clenching in her chest at the sound of the word 'cat', "I-I was just-"

"No need to be scared of me, Hinata-chan," Neji said sarcastically. "I'm just someone from the Branch house, aren't I? Garbage you can just throw away, hm?"

"N-no," Hinata stammered, "I-I w-would-dn't-"

"Come in," Neji snapped, pulling open the door with a mocking flourish.

Hinata tentatively entered and jumped as the door slammed shut. She glanced at Neji fearfully, who glared at her before stalking away.

Hinata, on reflex, half-slid half-ran as quickly as she could into the head house. She sighed with relief at the familiar wall and glass paned ceilings and headed into the nearest doorway, which lead into the bathroom. Relaxed now, she began to plug in the bath and turn on the spray of water, despite her fear of drowning.

* * *

**Meanwhile:**

Damn those stupid haughty head branches, thought Neji murderously, stalking to a nearby tree.

He had been so tempted to slam the door in the stupid heiress' face, if the goddamn Hyuuga instincts hadn't caught up to him within the last minute- no seconds. He guessed that was a good thing. Despite being the proclaimed failure of the Main branch, deep down in his heart, Hiashi probably cared for her.

…

Okay, maybe not. But that didn't explain why he tortured every single person that dared to defy her in his presence.

Neji punched the tree in anger. Hinata was so…so weak! And she was the damn fated heir! So weak and shy and quiet…he deserved to be heir, dammit! He'd mastered all the Hyuuga techniques, and he was worthy, and yet…

The tree he was attacking for no typical reason had been mutilated, bark sliced into ribbons by his chakra scalpels. He didn't quite notice however, too caught up in his hate-filled frustrated thoughts. He hated the fate-damned main branch (because while normal people say goddamn, Neji has 'fate-damn' because he'd be damned if he let some fate-damned god rule his life, dammit!).

Fate dammit! He hated that Hiashi, he hated Hanabi and he hated H-Hin-Hinat- he paused, confused, and tried again. He hated Hi-

A piercing screech filled the Hyuuga household.

-nata?

With a speed he didn't know was humanly possible, even for the best of the Hyuugas, he found himself speeding towards the source of the commotion, worry he didn't know he possessed rushing through his mind.

* * *

**Some Time Ago:**

After playing with the water a little, trying to get used to the fact that water _could_ be harmless sometimes, she slid deep into the tepid water and tried to forget the horrible mission she had completed just yesterday, the blood on her hands, the screams of her victims…

She shuddered and squeezed her eyes shut, forcing herself to think of different things, happy things that could never be scary, like kittens…puppies…rainbows…and Naruto…

She smiled, eyes still closed, and slid further into the water. Naruto…his smile, his cheer…his courage and loyalty...

Then CRASH!

Hinata jumped, then quickly sank underneath the water, again ignoring her ardent fear of drowning, only revealing her head to see what was going on.

The ceiling had practically collapsed, revealing a colossal hole above her head, which she immediately recoiled from, being scared of giant holes. On the floor were the remains of what had been the ceiling, several tonnes of dust, bits of rock and debris, and what Hinata took to be…the hot water system?

Then something moved from underneath the wreckage. Hinata jumped again, then sank down to reveal only her eyes. There was something down there…

Then something scrambled out, staggering, covered in blood and dust, unrecognisable. Hinata stared in horror, then opened her mouth to let out a horrified screech.

* * *

**Some Time Ago:**

The roof loomed closer…and closer…Naruto hid his eyes, still screaming, for the inevitable impact that would occur moments later, which it unsurprisingly did.

He crashed through the glass and it sliced through his skin like a sashimi knife. Moments later he hit the actual roof, the immensity of his momentum propelling him through the brick. He plunged down, screaming, onto the floor of what he guessed to be a bathroom, considering the god-damned hard tiles!

Another few moments later, he felt at least a million kilograms of all sorts of debris land on his sore back, ranging from bits of piping to vast amounts of dust. Naruto practically felt his lungs being squeezed into smithereens.

Naruto wheezed, _I think I knocked out some of my teeth…_

He spat a few hard objects out and felt bloody gaps in his mouth.

He finally scrambled to air, oh sweet air! Now, where was he anyway…?

He rubbed his eyes and looked around. At first all he could see was mist… And then a shape. A feminine shape. Of a nice, shy weird Hyuuga girl. His eyes widened.

That was when she decided to scream.

* * *

**Meanwhile:**

Neji was running as fast as he could to the main branch houses. He slammed the doors open and rushed to where the scream came from. He thundered around a corner and entered the bathroom, staring at the destruction that lay before him.

The whole room had collapsed on itself. Neji stared in shock at the figure that was stumbling around in the middle of the room. It had matted blonde hair that had been partially shaved off in the middle and ripped tattered orange clothes with huge splotches of black and white.

With an annoyed sigh, he pulled out a kunai, stalking in front of the bathtub.

As one of the side branch, he was obligated to protect the heir. But now he had taken control of his senses, he really was severely tempted to let the strange creature finish off the pathetic figure slumped in the bathtub. However, Hiashi would probably have his head for that, and since Neji would very much like to keep his head securely on his shoulders, he grudgingly accepted his duty, all the while thinking up schemes to escape from punishment if he didn't.

As the messy figure stumbled forward, it became clear that this person, whoever it was, was at least vaguely humane.

_Not another potential stalker_, thought Neji in exasperation before he caught sight of the glint of a metal headband. He could just make out a cloud shape, although the metal had been tainted with what looked like bird faeces.

_A Cloud shinobi?_, he thought in almost amusement.

"You know, this is the 138th time you Cloud villagers have tried to assassinate Hinata-sama," Neji said coolly, "But you have my deepest sympathies."

He paused coolly, almost as though musing over the intruder's death. He then raised the kunai in his hand, slightly smirking, "Nevertheless, prepare to die."

The shinobi stared, eyes wide in shock, then reacted, "No, wait you don't understand-"

"Did you just suggest I am incompetent?" Neji's smirk turned into a glare.

Wait…he knew that voice…

…Naruto?

His body froze as his supposedly gifted mind added up the factors. Hinata, naked, in a bathtub, unconscious. Naruto, looking beaten up, with blood trailing from his nasal regions.

Oh. My. God.

The clang of a kunai dropping to the ground filled the room.

He growled, blue glowing chakra scalpels forming at the end of his hands. H-he was about to rape the Hyuuga heiress! How could he? This had activated his must-kill instincts, and this time he totally agreed.

Wait…he agreed? With his Hyuuga-protect-heiress-instincts? No!

He…had to…resist…Must…resist…Hyuuga…instincts… Must…

He closed his eyes and deactivated his Byakugan. No. He would not become the pawn of the Main Branch. He was not a pawn. He would never, ever, become one. NEVER. Because if there was anything he hated more than the Head House, it was...chess references.

* * *

**Flashback:**

Hanabi smiled sweetly at him, taking his queen- again, "Check-mate, cousin."

Neji stared in disbelief. He had recently taken up chess as a past-time, learning from Hanabi, and this-this little child had beaten him in every round of chess that she had played with him and _she was about to win this one too_. He glanced over the chessboard. He didn't understand what was going on!

"Can I move that rook in front of the queen?" Neji asked.

Hanabi made a slight coughing noise that almost seemed like an evil giggle but she was still too cute and young to think evil thoughts, "No, Neji-kun. The queen and the king are about to finally meet, true love about to spawn, and because the rook is just a rook, and is too straight-forward, it can't do anything. The only was now would be for the bishop to stab the queen in the back, but then your king will kill your bishop in revenge, because your bishop doesn't have time to run away."

"Curses," cursed Neji and pushed his seat away from the table as Hanabi slid the money over to her side; that was the last of the pay for his last mission. And it was all gone.

Hanabi smiled sweetly, looking like the little girl se was, "Would you like to play again, Neji?"

"I- " she looked him in the eye with giant, sweet eyeballs and he conceded, "I- alright then. Just one more game."

"Yay!" she reset the board and looked over, "Because you've lost 34 games in a row, your pawns have lost their two-step privilege."

"Dammit."

* * *

He opened his eyes. He was met again with that fate-damned horrible perverted sight and he grappled again with his instincts that had nearly overcome him in his anger.

**(A.N. Betty: Should I even bother sending persuasion mind thoughts? He's doing a good enough job failing anyway. **

**Kit Kat: Let's just wait and see.) **

Must… resist… Hyuuga instincts…

"N-neji- kun…" Hinata almost whispered, before falling into a dead faint.

…instincts?

**(A.N. Betty: Here we go. Better act fast.) **

"AAAARRRRHHH!" Neji exploded, running up to Naruto faster than the speed of sound.

* * *

Naruto didn't realize he was being thrown into the air until several seconds later. Neji, however, was running through torture options faster than the light in a lamp in Club Hel in Matrix. Then suddenly everything was a clear as…light. It was as though fate and destiny was pointing him to his path.

Naruto felt himself fall onto his hands and knees. His eyes widened. Not the-

**"One Thousand Years of Death!"** Neji hissed, capitals and all, and Naruto felt that fate-damned pain on his arse and flew into the sky to continue his fateful journey.

* * *

Neji watched as the blonde ninja flew far, far away from the Hyuuga household. He'd kill him when he came crawling back to apologise. Now where was Hinata? Oh. The bathtub.

Sure enough, the heiress lay in the tub, head barely above water. Neji sighed in annoyance, bending down to pick her up. He pinched a nerve on her neck and dumped her roughly back into the bathtub when she woke.

"You fine, Hinata-hime?" he accented the suffix 'princess' with a dangerously sarcastic tone, before switching to normal-Neji speak again. "Are you so weak that you can't even protect yourself from a weak and injured ninja?"

**(A.N: Is it just me, or is everything rhyming?)**

"I-I…" Hinata began.

"Get dressed," snapped Neji, getting up and roughly chucking a towel at her, quickly turning to leave.

"T-thank you N-neji-kun," Hinata stammered, wrapping it around her, skin prickling in fear of the prickly cloth.

He paused in the doorway, then faced her, "I hate you."

Hinata's lips curved up in what could have been a smirk, "I hate you too."

* * *

And there goes another chapter!

Well, I'm in a rush, and there goes the message alert from Betty again, so thanks all who reviewed, thanks billions to those who reviewed more than once, and please review! THANK YOU SO MUCH, all those who did review, you gave me the kick in the bum to upload!

Complimentary cookies to you all (except for the random readers)! And even more cookies if you have reviewed!

And for all you who _haven't_ reviewed, click the little green button below!

On that note, see you next week. Maybe.


	6. Troublesome

Hello, everybody! This is KitKat, and let me just get Betty on the phone...

Betty: -static crackling-

...

Anyway, let's see...5 (now 6) chapters, about 700 hits, and 16 reviews. Sorry, but a little sad. We'll do better this time, won't we?

On the subjects of Author's Notes...there's only two here, and they're one line long, muh-ha-ha. Still bolded, but should be better. Next chapter's gonna have a few long ones, but we tried our best.

-_ducks as spoiler ninja and denial ninja leap at each other and fall in a trembling heap_-

Shikamaru: -sighs- I'll get that... -_sweeps away ninja_-

So, Christams is near, we might be posting up a Christmas special for your veiwing pleasure, but if I can get to Betty...and get this annoying writer's block off...

-_spoiler ninja give a twitch_-

[By the way, the One Thousand Years of Death fic has already been planned out on cute little Post-It notes, and is therefore immune to writer's blocks!

-_crowd cheers_-

However, it is not immune to the lazy post-up-er who can't manage to get her bum on her seat!

-_crowd boos_-

-_Jason jumps in and absorbs all the crowd into his little black book_- (1) ]

Anyhow, let's get on with the disclaimer and warning...

**Disclaimer:**

KitKat: You know, Betty, we have a lot of things to disclaim in this chapter...

Betty: _-static crackle-_

KitKat: ...and with this writer's block and all...

Betty: -static crackle-

KitKat: ...

Betty: -static crackle-

KitKat: ...so, can you help me with the disclaimer?

Betty: Muh-ha-ha! Hello, is this _KitKat_?

KitKat: ...

Betty: This is _Betty_! Woot! XD :D

KitKat: ...

Betty: Okay, fine, this is Claire, I abducted Betty's phone and _you_ can't do anything about it! Haha!

KitKat: ...okay...um, Claire, can you do the disclaimer?

Betty: No! Me want cookie first! (cutesy face ^^)

KitKat: ...okay... -_showers her in cookies_-

Betty: YAY! -_glomps cookies_-

KitKat: ...

Betty: -_chomp_- KitKat -_chomp_- 'n' Betty -_chomp_- don't own -_chomp_- the Naruto series -_chomp_- or any of Kishimoto's creations -_chomp_-

KitKat: Or Coke, or Post-It notes.

Betty: -_chomp_- What she said. -_chomp_-

KitKat: -_sigh_-

**Warning:** Abuse of Naruto, Naruto's arse, Shikamaru, Shikamaru's pride and dignity, Shikamaru's temper, Shikamaru's manliness, Shikamaru's patience, Shikamaru's sanity, Shikamaru's 200+ IQ, Shikamaru's hearing, the Raikage's hearing, Kankuro's 'office', Kankuro's walls, Kankuro's window, Kankuro's victims, Kankuro's carpet, Gaara's carpet, Gaara's 'office', Gaara's tower, Tsunade's tower, Tsunade's roof, Tsunade's precious sake bottle, Tsunade's scariness, someone's eyeballs, the time continuum, those line thingys and the laws of physics (except for the law about action and reaction, which has been exaggerated to the extent of impossibility). Also mentions of murder, planned murder, torture, alcohol, inappropriate abuse of status, the use of coarse language and the French language, inappropriate happines in someone else's misfortune, and overuse of blood, bloodstains, blood and gore, capital letters and the word 'troublesome'. Read at your own risk.

Now enjoy or go to hell.

* * *

**_Where we left off last time:_**

_"I-I…" Hinata began._

_"Get dressed," snapped Neji, getting up and roughly chucking a towel at her._

_"T-thank you N-neji-kun," Hinata stammered._

_He paused in the doorway, then faced her, "I hate you."_

_Hinata's lips curved up in what could have been a smirk, "I hate you too."_

* * *

"Not again!" Naruto cried against the winds as he impressively defied gravity for the umpteenth time.

Yep, you guessed it; the fox-ninja was flying into the clouds at the speed of sound because a certain someone had shoved their fingers up his arse. Again.

Naruto cringed in a mixture of humiliation, shame and downright pain.

At this rate, everyone he knew was going to shove his/ her fingers up his damn arse! What the hell had he done to deserve this?

…

Okay, maybe he was an annoying son of a bitch, but that didn't mean that he had to be sent flying into places and people he most definitely didn't want to meet!

Right?

_Right? _

…

Okay, maybe he really needed to stop thinking stupid things and actually try and get himself out of this situation. Yeah…

He tried to do the above action. Hm…odd, his brain didn't seem to be getting off the subject of ramen noodles. Let's see…ramen, Sakura, ramen, ramen, several thoughts about how annoying Sasuke was, several other thoughts about possibilities of the visage of Kakashi's face, ramen noodles, Sakura, ramen noodles and ramen. Not to mention ramen. He sighed. It seemed like his brain wasn't cut out for intelligent notation. He'd just have to resign himself to god-damned fate, which was currently on his 'people-I-will-kill-after-I-become-Hokage-believe-it!' list.

With that, Naruto impressively defied the force of air pressure by the action tucking his arms behind his head in the classical Naruto way and continued to think stupid thoughts.

* * *

**Meanwhile:**

"Oh. My. God."

Shikamaru blinked, rubbed his eyes and blinked again. He couldn't even manage a "troublesome" out of his mouth. This was far, far beyond the level of 'troublesome'.

He stared, aghast, at what was Kankuro's room. It smelt of rotting bodies, blood and decomposition. Blood was splashed on the walls in various states of encrusting/drying, and the carpet…

"Well, you know how I'm busy with the torturing and all," Kankuro caught Shikamaru before he could fall, "With all the screaming and the would-be escapees…well, you get what I mean, right?"

"How do you live in here?" Shikamaru gasped, trying to breathe; he knew he wouldn't last a minute in there.

"Oh, no, I don't live here," Kankuro pointed to a door inside the room, "I live in there. This is just my office."

"Oh…" Shikamaru then recognised the usual office equipment; table, chair, cabinet; what he had taken to be torture devices…and was probably what they were used for, judging by their bloodied state.

"So, what do you want me to do? I've still got to clean Gaara's room," Shikamaru looked around again, "It's almost as bad as yours."

He shuddered at the memory of Gaara's room; sand here, here, oh, and here, hm, more sand, even more sand, a victim here, the remains of another here, several vultures, a maggot nest, cookie crumbs, a mouldy teddy bear and More. Bloody. Sand. There was even practically a metre of sand in his bathroom! I mean, geez, the guy had a giant gourd that he carried around everywhere for Kami's sake! Why didn't he keep the bloody sand in the bloody gourd?

Oh, and he forgot to mention. The bloody sand was bloody and left bloody stains ON GAARA'S BLOODY CARPET! WHAT WAS IT WITH THE BLOODY SAND SIBLINGS, BLOOD STAINS AND CARPET, GOD DAMMIT!

"I dunno," Kankuro shrugged, "Blood looks nice on carpet. Until it gets crusty, of course. Then it looks like ketchup. I don't like ketchup."

Shikamaru froze. He said the last part aloud?

He didn't know whether to be shocked at the fact he had no control over what came out of his mouth, considering his 200+ IQ (according to Asuma, who was otherwise a pretty bad source of information) or sickened/confused/amused at what Kankuro had said.

So, using his mega-riffic 200+ IQ, he decided to do neither.

"So…uh, what do you want me to do again?" Shikamaru wasn't sure he wanted an answer. Hopefully all he needed to do was to clean that dusty patch in the corner.

"Oh, just get rid of the blood by noon," Kankuro shrugged, "I want to start clean for my afternoon session."

"A-afternoon session?" Shikamaru stammered.

Kankuro grinned in an almost insane way, "Yeah, part of my therapy. You wouldn't want me running amok on the streets, would you?"

He gave a hearty chuckle and thumped Shikamaru on the shoulder.

Shikamaru couldn't help but gulp as he rubbed his bruised shoulder, "Ah…you see, I'm-"

Then he froze, catching sight of the real torture equipment; the spikes gave a malicious glint, as if winking at him.

"Yes?" Kankuro asked innocently.

"-I'm…I'm so excited to be cleaning your room today!" Shikamaru nearly shrieked, "I'll get it done, no problem!"

_Who am I kidding?_, Shikamaru thought despondently, _I'm so going to die…and those spikes are so shiny..._

Kankuro saw what Shikamaru was looking at and gave an evil smirk, "Oh, and you might want to be careful around the spikes. They're…quite sharp."

"Ah…okay," Shikamaru squeaked.

"Great! See you at noon! Ciao!" Kankuro gave him a wink and went away, whistling a merry tune, wondering what the hell 'ciao' meant.

With that, Kankuro was gone, leaving a horrified Shikamaru to ponder his now extremely troublesome fate.

_Okay Shikamaru, you're a man; you can handle this_, Shikamaru thought, _All you have to do is clean Gaara's room. Then Kankuro's. And escape from Suna. Nothing too serious. Yep. I'll get it done in no time._

So, back to Gaara's room.

The spikes on the torture device closest to him twinkled at him maliciously. Shikamaru winced/flinched. Okay, maybe Kankuro's first.

Just as Shikamaru was about to step in Kankuro's actual room, he was washed with the disturbing image of Gaara crushing the handicapped_ahem_specialized genin in the Chuunin Exams. The sand closing ruthlessly on Rock Lee's legs and shards of bone burying themselves into his spine… he shuddered.

Death by torture, or death by sand? He forced himself to consider things rationally and calmly.

…

Rationally and calmly? He was attempting to consider, rationally and calmly, which Sand Sibling would give him an honourable death while he was stuck as an ambassador to Suna and forced to clean out their 'offices' before noon?

…

Well, sand would be quite painful… Shikamaru gave himself a mental slap. Quite? What was he thinking? Being suffocated and squashed inside a coffin of sand would be beyond painful! It'd be…

The thought trailed off as the torture equipment gave him another malicious glint.

Well, at least the sand would be quick. Whereas the torture might last days, even weeks from the looks of Kankuro. That settled it. Kankuro's room first.

At least his family wouldn't have to pay for his funeral. He could just imagine his hag of a mother screaming at him in Heaven, demanding _why the hell_ had he died trying to clean someone else's room and that even worse, _he hadn't even waited to die before they sent the salary over to pay for his grave?_ Shikamaru gave a sickened snort.

Well, he had to get started, or he'd never begin. He stepped inside…and gaped.

The first thing that he noticed was the smell. It smelt of blood, mostly with the stench of rotting bodies and other little horrors mixed in. The second thing he noticed was the squelching sound his feet made when he took another step. He glanced at the ground.

That was the third thing he noticed.

"Agh!" Shikamaru shrieked, then quickly stopped himself.

He wouldn't scream, shriek, or even gasp. And he would definitely not be sick on the carpet that he was supposed to clean. The bloody, soaked carpet that had enough blood to fill a swimming pool.

He noticed many other things after that. Every surface was encrusted with a layer of almost dried blood and gore. The only thing that wasn't entirely covered in blood and gore was the window and that was because it was broken, as if something, or more likely someone, had been thrown through it, to the effect that part of the blood encrusted surface was gone, and therefore not encrusted completely with blood.

Then he noticed the other, more lively things in the room. Flies, maggots, cockroaches, rats...and some of them were dead.

"Oh, God no…" Shikamaru whispered, staring at the horrors in Kankuro's 'office'.

Damn cleaning, he was going to the 'escape Suna' part of his plan. Right now.

He started to run back to the door, then remembered Kankuro's malicious smirk. What if Kankuro caught him? His beating if he failed to clean Kankuro's room would be miniscule compared to the beating he'd get if Kankuro caught him trying to escape Suna.

Oh Kami, what had he done to deserve this?

_**(A.N. Betty: Well, if you really must know…) **_

* * *

**Flashback:**

There was a frantic knock on the door.

"Come in," Tsunade said, sipping the last drops of her seventh sake bottle.

"Tsunade-sempai!" Shizune burst into the room, making Tsunade nearly choke on the wine, "Shikamaru Nara has trashed the roof of the Hokage's Tower!"

"What?" Tsunade got up, furious and ran after Shizune.

"I tried to tell him, but he wouldn't listen!" Shizune spluttered, "He just muttered something; troublesome, I think. He just sits on the roof every day from four to nine, cloud watching, and this time he's made the roof look worse than a pigsty! He's completely unbelievable!"

Tsunade followed Shizune up the ladder and erupted on the roof of the tower, her anger smouldering.

The roof was littered with trash; empty boxes of take away chicken, candy wrappers, Coke cans, scraps of paper littered with doodles. But that wasn't the worst part.

Tsunade ran to the balcony where a smashed sake bottle lay, surrounded a fading brown stain in the rock.

Tsunade gasped, glancing at the label. A bottle of her precious sake?

"Have you told him to clean it up?" Tsunade demanded.

"Of course Hokage! But the boy just doesn't listen! I have no Idea how he managed to become genin, let alone chuunin!" Shizune exclaimed.

Tsunade pursed her lips in anger and bellowed, "Tell him to report to me at once! I don't care what he's doing, _just get him here NOW_!"

"Yes, Hokage-sempai!" Shizune replied before rushing away.

* * *

**Sometime later:**

"Come in," Tsunade said.

A teenage boy with pineapple hair and fishnet slouched into the room. "You called, Hokage."

"Sit," said Tsunade dangerously.

Shikamaru ambled over to the chair provided and did so, looking confused.

"Now," Tsunade said sweetly. "It's already breaking the rules if you sit on my roof just to cloud watch," Tsunade raised her voice, " But this time you've taken it too far!"

"What?" Shikamaru furrowed his eyebrows.

Tsunade glared, then roared, "YOU LITTERED MY ROOF FOR THE WHOLE OF KONOHA TO SEE, YOU WALKING GARBAGE DUMP!"

Shikamaru could only stare at the enraged Hokage and protect himself from the torrent of breath and saliva flying at his face.

"NOT ONLY THAT BUT YOU STOLE MY PRECIOUS SUPPLY OF SAKE YOU LITTLE BITCH!" Tsunade continued at full volume, standing up and preparing to send a fist into his jaw, "IT WAS VERY DEAR TO ME! I NAMED IT COCO AFTER MY MOTHER!"

Shikamaru continued to stare. Shizune winced from her place next to the door. Tsunade looked scary as hell. _And_ she was drunk as a skunk.

"Oh," Shikamaru said, as though light had just dawned, "No, that was my friend."

Wrong answer.

Even Tsunade was speechless for a few precious amazing, miraculous seconds.

But all good things must come to an end.

"THAT'S THE MOST PATHETIC EXCUSE I'VE EVER HEARD, YOU PATHETIC LITTLE PIECE OF CRAP! DO YOU HONESTLY EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT PATHETIC PIECE OF CRAP? WELL, YOU CAN GO TELL YOUR PATHETIC IMAGINARY CRAPPED-UP CRAPPY FRIENDS TO STOP LITTERING THE HOKAGE'S TOWER WITH YOUR DAMN PATHETIC CRAP!"

Shikamaru stared, slightly disturbed at the leader of his state who looked ready to punch him into hell and cackle as he burned in the flames.

A knock sounded on the door. Shizune opened the door. Hinata peeped in cautiously, then tiptoed in, clutching a clipboard in the crook of her arm, which was very brave of her, considering her morbid fear of clipboards.

"Ts-tsun-nade s-sempai, I've s-secured the a-alliance b-between K-k-Kirigakure in the L-land of W-water and K-konoha," stuttered Hinata, "U-unf-fortunat-tely, our amb-bassad-dor was k-killed in an ac-accident in S-suna."

Tsunade ignored her, still glaring at Shikamaru as if he was the spawn of the devil. Shikamaru tried to reason with her.

"No, it was my friend Chouji," he told Tsunade, "You know Chouji, right?"

"The big fat eating-machine?" Shizune asked.

Shikamaru wrinkled his nose at the verbal attack on his friend but decided to ignore it for the sake of his life, "Yeah, he's the one."

Tsunade slammed her palm on the table, causing the room to shake, and screeched, "Well, that's too bad, because YOU'RE PAYING FOR IT!"

Hinata wisely dropped her report on Tsunade's desk and ran for the hills.

"Sure," Shikamaru shrugged.

Tsunade was about to punch the little prick into space when she suddenly smiled an evil smile that creeped both Shizune and Shikamaru out.

"How about you fill in as representative of Suna for a few days?" she asked sweetly.

"Sure," Shikamaru shrugged, "When do I leave?"

"You can leave right now," Tsunade said, with an evil glint in her eye that Shikamaru didn't like.

Shikamaru got up from his seat and bowed a bow that barely made it past the line of actually bowing. He slouched off and closed the door behind him, muttering something about troublesome women.

"Tsunade-sama, you just gave the boy a promotion!" Shizune protested as soon as she was sure that Shikamaru was out of earshot.

"Yes, yes I did!" Tsunade cackled.

"Are you alright Hokage-sama?" Shizune asked, concerned.

"I'm perfectly fine, thank you," Tsunade snapped, then reverted back to her currently content self, lying back in her chair, "Soon he'll wish he had never stepped foot on the roof."

Shizune was dumbfounded, "But…"

"Any objections?" Tsunade snapped her head to look at Shizune.

"No," Shizune said hurriedly, seeing Tsunade's warning look.

"Don't worry, Shizune, you'll understand," Tsunade assured her, "Now _get me some SAKE_!"

"Yes, Tsunade-sempai!" Shizune quickly scampered away, wondering whether it was the sake, the debts or the idiots that kept knocking at her door after she had said "Get lost, I'm busy.".

**:End Flashback**

* * *

Oh Kami, what had he done to deserve this?

**_(A.N. Betty: -growls- You seriously want me to show that flashback again?)_**

So…he needed to escape from Suna.

Preferably now.

Hm…

Escaping from Kankuro's room would be a start. He saw Kankuro's partially cracked window and ran to it. Maybe if he could jump out…

He suddenly how suicidal his thoughts seemed. It seemed even more suicidal when he saw a mad axe-wielding Gaara hacking at his finger. While he did seem distracted, jumping would nevertheless probably result in his untimely death.

What about the door? I mean, really, why did he think of the window first? He ran to the door to Kankuro's 'office' only to hear Kankuro making weird killing sound effects while leaning casually against the exit door at the end of the hallway. Shikamaru gulped as Kankuro gorged out a rotting mess out of his puppet. He steadied himself.

He could probably Kage Mane Kankuro and run for it…if he could fight his way out of the remains of the tower...and Gaara's sand coffin…

His forced courage melted away when he saw an eyeball roll out, accompanied with blood and still-attached optic nerves. He quickly retreated into Kankuro's office, heart pounding.

_Stupid evil manipulative Kages_, he thought, _Even worse, stupid evil manipulative female Kages…_

Since he couldn't escape, he guessed he'd better start work on cleaning this mess. He ran through his mental list of cleaning jutsu. The number he knew: 0

Why the hell wasn't he taught cleaning jutsu? The answer struck him like a bolt of lightning that his brain was supposedly as bright as. No other self respecting -wait, scratch that- no sane shinobi would have gotten himself into this situation.

_You were insane when you signed up to be a shinobi_, said a snide voice in his head.

Sigh.

Troublesome.

* * *

And that's the first half of Shikamaru's arc! Stay tuned for the second half...which should come after Christamas!

Shikamaru: Troublesome.

Betty: -static crackle-

Anyhow, because Betty and I have already typed up the second half, I'll give you guys a preview...

* * *

_Meanwhile:_

_Temari sat, swivelling on her armchair, polishing her fan. Luckily for the now dead cleaners and now dead ambassador (coughslavescough), her room had been much cleaner than Gaara and Kankuro's, and still was. _

_She smirked as she heard Kankuro inviting their new ambassador in. While she may not have been as vulgar, she wasn't their sister for nothing. Curious, she strode out of her room, into the hallway, smirking as she heard the hyperventilating ambassador._

_She glanced at him. Pineapple hair. Chuunin vest. Wait…it couldn't possibly be…_

_She glanced again. _

_Nara Shikamaru?_

_She smirked, her evil feminine head now filled with thoughts of malice and revenge._

* * *

Ooh, suspenseful.

_-uncovers mountain of cookies that emnate beautiful, fresh cookie smells- Please take. _

Oh, and sorry to the people who don't enjoy cookies. I know people like ice-cream and chocolate and lollipops, but I'm not all powerful!

...

Really, I'm not!

_-denial ninja give a twitch-_

...

Anyway, here are some complimentery cookies to round off this chap, and there'll be more if you click that button below! Please? We're giving so much time and dedication to this fic and we would really enjoy feedback! Thank you so much for reading! On that note, see you next week. Maybe.

-evil laughs fill the air as the fanfic ends-

(1) Random O.C in my brain.


	7. Escape from Suna

Good afternoon/morning/night to all of my beloved readers! This is KitKat, signing in on an extremely rainy day; luckily, I hung the washing in the garage. Anyway, just let me phone Betty up...

Betty: Sorry, no-one is there to take your call. Please leave a message after the beep. BEEP.

KitKat: ... -_puts down phone and collapses in lonliness_-

Anyway, thank you to the dedicated reviewer that reviewed the last chapter. Yes, sad isn't it? One small lone reviewer. Sobs.

Oh, and there is one massive A.N in the middle of this fic. Just warning you. 'Cause Betty wanted her money back.

-_wards away spoiler ninja with tray of cookies_-

Hm, let's see. Cookies to all that see this message (no double looking -_growls_-) and thank you for reading! Now let's get on with the disclaimer and warning!

Disclaimer:

Betty: ...well?

KitKat: ...I think I'm out of ideas.

-_crowd gasps_-

KitKat: Guess I'll have to go to my back up plan: my mum.

Bety: Your mother?

KitKat: Yes: my mother. Mum?

Mum: Where the **** am I? And what the **** are you ****ing doing, huh? You should be ****ing working for your f***ing retirement money, not ****ing typing up your ****ing fanfiction ****! **** you, you ****ing ******!

KitKat: ...mum, you're on the internet.

Mum: Oh.

KitKat: So...

Mum: KitKat 'n' Betty don't own the Naruto series or any of Kishimoto's creations.

KitKat: Thanks, mum.

Mum: Now ****ing finish this **** and go ****ing do your ****ing work, you hear me, you ******?

KitKat: Yes, mum.

Warning: Abuse of Naruto, Naruto's arse, Shikamaru, Shikamaru's pride and dignity, Shikamaru's temper, Shikamaru's patience, Shikamaru's calm cool calculating self, Shikamaru's masculnanity, Shikamaru's sanity, Shikamaru's resolve, Shikamaru's mother, Shikamaru's hearing, the Raikage's hearing, Temari's hearing (not that she cares), Temari's boots, the carpet she stepped on, the cleaners that atempted to clean that carpet, all the other cleaners that didn't bother, ambassadors that were forced to do the cleaners' job, all those who instead commited suicide, heaven, someone's eyeballs, fate and coincidence, mysterious clay birds, the time continuum, those line thingys and the laws of physics (except for the law about action and reaction, which has been exaggerated to the extent of impossibility). Also mentions of murder, planned murder, death, torture, gambling, kidnapping, ransom, inappropriate abuse of status, extremely coarse language, exaggeration of Shikamaru's sexism, exaggeration of Shikamaru's extremely pathetic insults, exaggeration of Shikamaru's opinion of Temari, exaggeration of Temari's apparent bitchiness, the dirtiness of sand brothers' rooms, inappropriate happiness in someone else's misfortune, inappropriate use of someone else's misfortune, and overuse of blood, bloodstains, blood and gore, asterixes, capital letters and the word 'troublesome'. Read at your own risk.

Now enjoy or go to hell.

* * *

_**Where we left off last time:**_

_Since he couldn't escape, he guessed he'd better start work on cleaning this mess. He ran through his mental list of cleaning jutsu. The number he knew: 0_

_Why the hell wasn't he taught cleaning jutsu? The answer struck him like a bolt of lightning that his brain was supposedly as bright as. No other self respecting -wait, scratch that- no sane shinobi would have gotten himself into this situation._

You were insane when you signed up to be a shinobi_, said a snide voice in his head._

_Sigh._

_Troublesome._

* * *

**Meanwhile:**

Temari entered her room. Luckily for the now dead cleaners and now dead ambassador (cough_slaves_cough), her room had been much cleaner than Gaara and Kankuro's, and still was.

She smirked as she heard Kankuro inviting their new ambassador in. While she may not have been as vulgar, she wasn't their sister for nothing. She strode out of her room, into the hallway, smirking as she heard the hyperventilating ambassador.

She glanced at him. Pineapple hair. Chuunin vest. Wait…it couldn't possibly be…

She glanced again. Nara Shikamaru?

She smirked again, her evil feminine head now filled with thoughts of malice and revenge.

* * *

**Meanwhile:**

Shikamaru was desperately trying to clean the damn blood off the damn spikes! Did anyone know how troublesome it was?

Probably not…

He then heard a sly, cunning, _**female**_ voice.

"Aw, poor Shikamaru tired already?"

Shikamaru froze. No…surely it couldn't be…

Because the world was (and still is) a contradictive place, it was Temari stood at the door, fan raised behind her.

"Shut up, troublesome woman," he snarled, frustrated at his now imminent death and the bloody blood that just wouldn't bloody come off!

"Now, that isn't the way to treat an ally or fellow kunoichi is it?" Temari smirked, hands on hips.

Fellow kunoichi…his left hand clenched into fist (because his right hand was clutching a washing towel and scrubbing at a particularly tough bit of bloodstain), but Shikamaru decided wisely not to respond.

There was a silence as Shikamaru scrubbed fiercely at the stubborn stain, when Temari broke it, "You know, Nara…I might just be able help you."

Shikamaru's ears perked up; damn those troublesome, manipulative women, "Yes?"

"Here's the deal," Temari smirked, "You admit that women are better than men and I'll get you out of the Kazekage's tower."

An alarm went off in Shikamaru's head. He ignored her and continued fruitlessly scraping the blood off Kankuro's wall. Finally he glanced back at her. She was still there, smirk on her face, looking as troublesome as women could get. She smiled evilly at him, "Well, you heard me."

_Hm…torture, death, or humiliation?_, he wondered sarcastically.

He scowled; this girl put him in a really bad mood, "I think I'll take death."

Temari shrugged, "Well, if you're a suicidal moron, that's none of my business," her combat booted toes tapped on the squelchy carpet as a pleasant smile replaced the scheming smirk on her face, "Now, as much as I love watching you freak out, I've got better things to do."

"Like?" asked Shikamaru.

"Like getting Kankuro another torture victim so I can get his money and go shopping for more boyfriends for more torture victims for more money for more shopping for more boyfriends," she sighed happily, "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be going now. Enjoy your afterlife."

He watched in horror as she waved a wave that barely made it past the line of actually waving and stepped on another eyeball. The organ made a squishing sound and left her heel as a bleeding mess, staining the carpet even further.

Shikamaru's resolve snapped.

"Women are better than men," he muttered.

Temari turned around, her face bearing an evil, triumphant look. Shikamaru's heart sank.

"What did you say?" Temari asked sweetly.

"Uh, nothing-" he caught the now murderous look on her face. He cleared his throat. "Women are better than men," he said quickly.

"Sorry, didn't catch that either," Temari smiled.

Shikamaru felt rage fill his veins and before he knew it, he was screaming, "WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN MEN!"

* * *

**Meanwhile, in Kumogakure:**

The Raikage growled in annoyance, "I'm tired of all the Konohans constantly interrupting our meetings where we form our dastardly plans to overthrow the rest of the Kages and rule the world with the power of the tailed demons. If they do it twice more, I'm declaring war."

…

* * *

**Meanwhile:**

There was an ominous silence.

Temari smiled, "Why, thank you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to tell Gaara that you are planning to escape so I can get his money to go shopping for fans and for more boyfriends for more torture victims for more money…"

Shikamaru stared at her contemptuous face, "B-but you said…"

She shook her head mockingly, "I said I just might be able to help you…might."

"You-You-" Shikamaru's blood boiled and he launched into a series of insults, "You Manipulative, Evil, Bitchy, Violent, Sadistic, Slave-Driver of a Troublesome Woman!" he hissed with capitals attached.

Temari simply smirked at him and turned to leave.

"All of you puffed up anorexic twigs," he hissed at her back and began to stab the wall behind him viciously, "So obsessed with make-up, boyfriends, oh no, I've got a pimple-"

Temari froze then slowly turned around, face twisted with the exact same dangerously sweet expression Tsunade and Ino wore when they were about to kill him.

"What did you say?" she asked in an even sweeter tone, her fan giving him the malicious glint.

He smirked; he'd finally found an insult that was actually an insult in Temari's little world (needless to say, Shikamaru's calm cool calculating self had been thrown out of the universe), "Anorexic t-"

Her face twisted with rage. She hissed, "I may be manipulative, I may be evil, I may be a bitch, I may be violent, I may be sadistic and even by some strange circumstance be troublesome. BUT I AM DEFINITELY NOT ANOREXIC!"

* * *

**Meanwhile:**

"Holy ****! What was that ****ing sound?" asked another villager.

The Raikage growled, "If Konoha doesn't ****ing stop that goddamn ****ing noise then they'll wish they'd never ****ing existed, the ******s!"

* * *

**Meanwhile:**

Temari threateningly drew the fan from her back with an ominous metallic scraping sound, "Prepare to die."

Shikamaru sweat dropped.

"Or don't. The screams are better," she whipped her fan in a figure eight which Shikamaru dodged even as the windstorm scraped the wall behind him where he once was.

Shikamaru began to finally live up to his reputation as a tactical genius and sneaked his shadow amongst all the torture equipment while leaping away from Temari's wind attacks, which consistently scraped the walls behind him just a few seconds after he dodged.

_**(A.N Betty: Ooh, looks like Shikamaru's gonna die. **_

_**Kit Kat: Let's leave him to his devices for now. He did beat Temari in the Chuunin Exams after all. **_

_**Betty: 10 000 yen on it? **_

**Kit Kat: You're crazy! He's almost won now. **

**Betty: -smirks- You forgot a very important piece of information: it's coming **

**Kit Kat: What's coming? **

**Betty: It's coming **

**Kit Kat: What the hell? **

**Betty: It's coming. **

**Kit Kat: Just goddamn hurry up and tell me! **

**Betty: The S.F.**

**Kit Kat: -raises eyebrow- and the Spring Fling supposed to help Shikamaru, how? **

**Betty: Well, if I actually said what was coming, spoiler ninja would bash me up, wouldn't they? **

**Kit Kat: Good point. **

**Betty: So, 10 000 yen? **

**Kit Kat: ...I guess. There's something weird about this though... _-glares suspiciously at Betty- _**

**Betty:_ -gives innocent smile-_)**

* * *

**Meanwhile:**

Naruto was no closer to getting to the ground than he was several minutes ago. If he struggled down, he went up. If he struggled up, he went even higher. And struggling side to side…

Well, let's just say the times that he tried that, mysterious clay birds appeared in the sky and exploded. Then he ended up flying the same path that he had been before. What the hell?

So…Naruto groaned in half annoyance and half horror as the familiar Kazekage's tower appeared before him. Seriously, was there any end to this?

**(A.N: Not unless you die, no)**

He flew closer and closer to the window and prepared himself for the inevitable crash when he saw a person. Not just any person. The pineapple haired shadow wielder of the Rookie Nine. Who just happened to be fighting right where Naruto was going to land.

He braced himself for the inevitable impact and wasn't sure whether to be surprised or dismayed at the fact that of all of the places in Suna, Shikamaru was in the exact place in Suna that he would land. Despite preparing himself, crashing through the window hurt as much as it did last time.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed, squeezing his eyes shut as glass shards threatened to cut him into ribbons.

* * *

Meanwhile:

Shikamaru edged himself to the cracked window in a desperate attempt to lengthen his shadow with the sun. It was working! He was almost there…just a little bit further…

And then another shadow appeared right where his shadow was. It grew larger and larger and blotted out much of the sun. It was almost as though a flying missile was heading towards them, except things like nuclear bombs and trajectory missiles and rockets hadn't been invented yet. Not there, anyway.

There was a colossal crash and pieces of glass went flying everywhere. That, however, wasn't the worst part. Pieces of glass he could handle. Distracting crashes he could handle. But a real life person as heavy as he was landing on top of him was not part of the plan.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed as he plummeted to the window.

* * *

Meanwhile:

"That's it, we declare war!" hissed the Raikage as ominous figures of the rest of his village shouted and waved around alit torches, "To Konoha!"

**_(A.N: Betty: Should we bother doing anything?_**

**_KitKat: Well, it will take a considerable amount of time for them to get to Konoha, then there's the organising of troops, extreme training 'cause Konoha's already so well defended, and if they're going to fight with pitchforks and fire it won't even be called a war..._**

**_Betty: -smirks- Guess not.)_**

* * *

**Meanwhile:**

"Not again..." complained the troublesome person on top of him.

Shikamaru bristled with anger as his extended shadow shrank to its normal size. No! Temari would…

True to his thoughts, Temari smirked triumphantly and sprang forward, her fan raised like a huge club. Which she proceeded to use it as. Shikamaru desperately threw himself back but that didn't stop Temari, who ruthlessly brought the fan down in one final sweep. The cutting winds lacerated Shikamaru all over and knocked all the breath out of him.

_**(**_**Kit Kat: Dammit, you tricked me! **

**Betty: Naruto was coming.**_** -smirks- **_

**Kit Kat:**_** -grudgingly hands 10,000 yen over- **_

**Betty:**_** -glomps pile of yen in unseemly fashion- **_**My money! Mummy's back and she'll never leave you again!**

**KitKat: …)**

Temari smirked, "You should have never messed with me, let alone the wiles of a woman in the first place."

And then she left, leaving Shikamaru to nurse his injured pride. And temper. Suddenly, shadow-strangling the idiot that landed on him sounded like a very good idea.

"Ouch…" muttered the collapsed person whose voice sounded increasingly familiar.

In fact, if he were feeling anymore delirious (how much blood had he lost?), he'd swear that Naruto the fox ninja was lying next to him.

After all, the figure in front of him hadn't screamed his lungs out…or interrupted things at the worst time possible…or somehow miraculously survived being cut all over and smashing through things…right?

…

Alright, so his brain was on overdrive.

But…Naruto?

* * *

Naruto stumbled up, only to notice that Shikamaru was actually in Suna. This meant he was either a missing ninja…or an ambassador.

Shikamaru? Ambassador?

His thoughts were interrupted by a despairing Shikamaru, who had thrown himself onto the ground who cried, "You made me lose a battle with a woman, you baka, and now I'm going to die, die you hear me, die! No thanks to you!"

Naruto flinched.

**(A.N: Betty: He's almost over the edge… almost…. **

**Kit Kat:**_** -irritated-ly because Betty got back her 10,000 yen- **_**Well, hurry up, or Naruto's going to realize what's happening!) **

_One Thousand Years of Death…_, whispered a voice in Shikamaru's mind, _You know you want to… _

_Are you kidding?_, Shikamaru thought furiously.

_Hell no, asshole! __-evil cackling- _

Shikamaru wondered whether his supposed 200+ IQ brain had crashed from fighting women too many times. Or/And the smell of the goddamn bloody blood, dammit!

And all those troublesome people…no wonder he was impending insanity. Not to mention the fact that he was either going to be killed by a sadist or a psychopathic lunatic. What was it with blood and death and blood and pain and the bloody sand siblings and the bloody idiot lying in front of him?

Then he really went round the bend.

"I can't take you troublesome people anymore, dammit! **One Thousand Years of Death, Shadow Style!"**

When Naruto saw the shadowy arms and fingers speed towards him, it was too late. The next thing he knew, a shadowy chakra-infused pain-in-the-butt booted him into the air to start the cycle all over again.

Naruto flew out of the same hole that he had crashed through on his way in. All the pent-up insanity was expelled as he released his madness into that little jutsu. Shikamaru now sank onto the floor, a hopeless rage filling him. Temari was going to tell Gaara, if he was lucky. Most likely she would tell Kankuro and he'd be submitted through hours of torture…in other words he was doomed...

Suddenly, said troublesome woman appeared at the door to survey the room, manipulative smirk broad on her face.

"You know," purred Temari easily, striding towards him, "For a sexist, weak, chuunin bastard, you've got some guts."

Shikamaru glared at her from his position against the wall and snarled, "And for a troublesome, bitchy, evil violent woman," he was tempted to add anorexic but decided against it for the sake of his life, "You're just as manipulative as ever."

Temari flashed a smirk so fast that Shikamaru nearly missed it.

"Me? Never," Temari said innocently.

**(A.N. KitKat: Yeah…about that…) **

Shikamaru gave Temari another withering look, "So the past few minutes didn't count?"

Temari gave him a broad smile. Shikamaru blinked. If he wasn't suffering from lacerations and blood loss caused by the woman in front of him, he'd swear it was flirtatious. Hm…maybe he was hallucinating after all…

"That was…a misunderstanding," said Temari sweetly.

"Sure," said Shikamaru sarcastically.

"And to prove it, I'll help you out of the Kazekage's tower," said Temari even more sweetly.

Shikamaru gave another incredulous look. Temari responded once more with a smile, this time with a predatory glint. Shikamaru resisted the urge to shudder. She hooked her arm in his before saying, "You might want to bring your wallet."

Temari guided Shikamaru out of the room, somehow steering him through a side exit without Kankuro noticing.

Poor Shikamaru. For little did he know that the room he had just left, Kankuro's room, was in fact sparkling clean, decades worth of blood and grime soaking into the pile of Gaara's bloody sand outside.

It seemed like Temari's windstorm was good for something.

* * *

Needless to say, the distribution and price of earplugs rocketed skyward in the Village Hidden in the Mist.

* * *

And that's the second chapter of Shikamru's arc!

Shikamaru: Finally, it's over.

What will happen afterwards? What will Temari do that involves Shikamaru's wallet? Stay tuned for the final chapter of Shikamaru's arc; in Temari's chapter (which will come a lot later, not next time)!

Shikamaru: -sigh-

KitKat: You know you wore an apron through the whole chap?

Shikamaru: Shut up.

KitKat: -smirk-

Anyway, here's a preview of next time's chap:

* * *

_"Kakashi-san! My eternally Youthful rival!"_

_Kakashi turned to look at none other than Gai Maito, who was currently standing at the ramen stand, striking a 'nice Gai' pose. Rock Lee, Neji and TenTen stood behind him, the former grinning in awe and enthusiasm, the latter too not so impressed._

_"How Youthfully well are you Youthfully Youthful Youths on this Youthful day?" Gai continued, oblivious (or maybe ignoring) the bedraggled state of Team 7; and their hair._

_Sasuke, Sakura and Kakashi glared blankly at him._

_Gai lost some of his enthusiasm, but regained it in an instant, "Don't be un-Youthful, my fellow Youthful Youths! The power of Youth is Youthfully at stake!"_

_Gai waited for the explosion of Youth that never came. When Team 7 still didn't reply, or move for the matter, Gai realised something was Youthfully amiss. Gai started pacing, frowning in his mightily Youthful way, glancing over Team 7 once, twice, thrice…then it clicked. Albeit in a Youthful explosion of youthfulness._

_"Where is the Youthful Youth Naruto Uzumaki?" Gai hollered fretfully, glancing over Team 7 again, in case his Youthful eyes had missed the Youthful Youth (which, of course, they never would)._

_The remaining members of Team 7 seemed slightly…guilty. Gai frowned even more mightily Youthfully than before. His approximation seemed to be correct (which of course it was): something was Youthfully amiss._

* * *

Yay, I've finished! Thank you for reading, my dear FF readers, and don't forget to review!

Shikamaru: Did I have to wear an apron?

KitKat: Shut up.

On that note, see you next week. Maybe.


	8. Rival of Youthful Eternity

Hey this is Betty, since KitKat has gone down with a case of I-am-so-lazy-I-can't-be-bothered-to-post-up-this-freakin-story syndrome to be on the internet.

So instead, you have to deal with me.

So, on the whole status of reviews, an improvement. Three reviews for the last chapter. Please continue, our faithful readers. Because of how late we posted this chapter up, we have a chinese new year present story. Onesided Naruhina, mentions of Narusaku, the only other story we have up.

A present for you if you review.

Now about our recent reviews... it has come to our attention that our recent review was a flame! Yes! Our first flame on fanfictiondotnet! Yes! Well, a pretty pathetic flame, without too much author bashing or swearing...and one line long. Guess he didn't want our eyes to strain. Even kinder, he didn't sign in and left an anonymous review. Now we can delete his comment!

Yes, those comments were sarcasm. Coward.

Actually, I'm not really that offended by critisism. It's a way to help us write better and improve.

Stupid bastard didn't even tell us HOW to improve it. Seriously, tell us why it caused your eyeballs to burn and melt out of your skull/ made you slam your head repeatedly onto the desk/ gave you permanant brain damage/ mad cow disease/ crushed your heart into tiny bloody little pieces/ threatened to make you burst into tears at how horrible fanfiction was becoming/ is the reason you are at the edge of a thirty story building and considering whether to jump and become a bloody spot on the road/ gave you erectile dyfunction and permanent abstinence or celibacy/ has made you wear down your freshly painted fingernails typing a flame to us/ etc...

Actually, if you wear down your fingernails, that's your problem. Not mine. And call one of those suicide hotlines if you're considering jumping off aforementioned thirty story building.

But really, tell us how to improve otherwise all our stories will cause your eyeballs to burn and melt out of your skull/ make you slam your head repeatedly onto the desk/ give you permanant brain damage/ mad cow disease/ crush your heart into tiny bloody little pieces/ threaten to make you burst into tears at how horrible fanfiction is becoming/ will reason you into being at the edge of a thirty story building and make you consider whether to jump and become a bloody spot on the road/ give you erectile dyfunction and permanent abstinence or celibacy/ make you wear down your freshly painted fingernails typing a flame to us/ etc...

It really isn't that hard to type out something constructive. Unless you wear down your fingernails, in which case it is still not my problem.

So what was the whole routine again? Ah. Yes.

**Disclaimer:**

Betty: Now which useless unmentioned character shall I summon today?

KitKat: Unmentioned?

_-Anko appears in puff of faintly smoking exploded snake and lizard guts-_

Anko: HOW DARE YOU CAST ME AS ONE OF THOSE STUPID, PATHETIC, DESPERATE FANGIRLS AND EVEN WORSE, MAKE ME FANGIRL AFTER A F***ING PERVERT WHO HAS GREY HAIR, READS PORN AND IS A F***ING CYCLOPS TO BOOT!

KitKat: You mean silver hair.

Anko: I DON'T F***ING CARE YOU F***ING BITCH!!!

Betty: Ssh, you'll bring the spoiler ninja! _-doublechecks blacked out windows and securely locked doors-_

Anko: I said, I DON'T F***ING CARE YOU F***ING B****!!!!

Betty: KitKat has cookies. She'll give double the amount.

KitKat: Next week.

Anko: _-glare-_ Betty and Kitkat do not f***ing own Naruto or me for that matter. Kishimoto-Kami does.

KitKat: We don't own Spandex either.

Anko: _-glares even more-_

_-sounds of police sirens-_

Betty: Damn!

Anko: -_smirk maliciously and disappear in a explosion of loud fireworks-_ TAKE THAT YOU F***ING BITCHES! _-blasts hole in ceiling-_

Betty: _-runs far far away to Scandinavia-_

KitKat: _-runs far far away to the North Pole-_

Warning: Abuse of Naruto-

_**(A.N: Wait, Naruto doesn't even appear in this-**_

_**-spoiler ninja swing in, kunai raised-**_

_**Betty: -huddles in corner-)**_

Sakura, Sakura's would-be-wedding, Sakura's would-be-honeymoon, Sakura and Sasuke's non-existant relationship, Neji and Tenten's non-existant relationship, Tenten's/Neji's kunais, Tenten's persona, Neji's persona, Kakashi's persona, Kakashi's chances with the ladies, Kakashi's non existent chance with the ladies, Kakashi's butt, Kakashi's mask, Gai, Gai's pose, Gai's persona, Gai's ignorance, Gai's enthusiasm, Gai's...repetitive wording, Lee, Lee's lameness, Iruka, Iruka's genin headband, Iruka's jounin headband, Iruka's sanity, Iruka's (presumed) innocence, Iruka's (presumed) virginity, Iruka's workload, Iruka's pants, Anko, Anko's persona, Anko's uniform, Anko's lips, Anko's pride, Anko's dignity, D-Day, the Sun, exotic sunsets, generation repeat, the innocence of several readers, Hawaiin beaches, the world population, awkward silences and gay children, innocent little worms, those line thingys, capital letters, the time continuum, flashbacks and the laws of physics. Also mentions of torture, adult content, porn, sexual themes, gambling, betting, inappropriate abuse of friendship, extreme coarse language, exaggeration of Gai's' pathetic-ness, exaggeration of Gai's language, exaggeration of Lee's lameness, and overuse of bold and italics, long Youth rants, Youthful, Youths, the letter Y (yes, capital)Youthfully, bastard and Youth. Read at your own risk.

Now enjoy or go to hell.

* * *

**_Where we left off last time..._**

_Shikamaru gave Temari another withering look, "So the past few minutes didn't count?"_

_Temari gave him a broad smile. Shikamaru blinked. If he wasn't suffering from lacerations and blood loss caused by the woman in front of him, he'd swear it was flirtatious. Hm…maybe he was hallucinating after all…_

_"That was…a misunderstanding," said Temari sweetly._

_"Sure," said Shikamaru sarcastically._

_"And to prove it, I'll help you out of the Kazekage's tower," said Temari even more sweetly._

_Shikamaru gave another incredulous look. Temari responded once more with a smile, this time with a predatory glint. Shikamaru resisted the urge to shudder. She hooked her arm in his before saying, "You might want to bring your wallet."_

_Temari guided Shikamaru out of the room, somehow steering him through a side exit without Kankuro noticing._

_Poor Shikamaru. For little did he know that the room he had just left, Kankuro's room, was in fact sparkling clean, decades worth of blood and grime soaking into the pile of Gaara's sand outside._

_It seemed like Temari's windstorm was good for something._

* * *

"Kakashi-san! My eternally Youthful rival!"

Kakashi turned to look at none other than Gai Maito, who was currently standing at the ramen stand, striking a 'nice Gai' pose. Rock Lee, Neji and TenTen stood behind him, the former grinning in awe and enthusiasm, the latter two not so impressed.

"How Youthfully well are you Youthfully Youthful Youths on this Youthful day?" Gai continued, oblivious (or maybe ignoring) the bedraggled state of Team 7; and their hair.

Sasuke, Sakura and Kakashi glared blankly at him.

Gai lost some of his enthusiasm, but regained it in an instant, "Don't be un-Youthful, my fellow Youthful Youths! The power of Youth is Youthfully at stake!"

Gai waited for the explosion of youth that never came. When Team 7 still didn't reply, or move for the matter, Gai realised something was Youthfully amiss. Gai started pacing, frowning in his mightily Youthful way, glancing over Team 7 once, twice, thrice…then it clicked. Albeit in a Youthful explosion of Youthfulness.

"Where is the Youthful Youth Naruto Uzumaki?" Gai hollered fretfully, glancing over Team 7 again, in case his Youthful eyes had missed the Youthful Youth (which, _of course_, they _never_ would).

The remaining members of Team 7 seemed slightly…guilty. Gai frowned even more mightily Youthfully than before. His approximation seemed to be correct (which _of course_ it was): something was Youthfully amiss.

Tenten glanced at Neji, about to share an exasperated impatient look, but Neji seemed just almost guilty as well.

She almost stared. Neji? Embarrassed? What had gone wrong in the world?

Yep, it was official. The world was going to end, the apocalypse was 5 seconds away-

_**(A.N: 1…2…3…4…5...hm, guess not.)**_

-the sun would explode, they were all Youthfully doomed, yadda, yadda, yadda.

"So, where is Youthful Naruto?" cried Gai after the awkward silence; the awkward silence continued, so Gai persisted, "If no Youth Youthfully knows, then we must Youthfully send out a Youthful search party to Youthfully search for Naruto in the most Youthful way possible! Then all of the Youthful citizens of the blossoming village of Konoha will be Youthfully inspired to Youthfully search with us, and then our Youthful endeavour will be sure to succeed!" he finished this speech in a triumphant flourish, accompanied by an eternally Youthful 'nice Gai' pose.

They all sweat dropped. Well, apart from Lee, who was clapping his hands in jubilation.

"Or," Gai pondered majestically, "Perhaps, given the Youthful circumstances, the Youthful Naruto has Youthfully taken out Youthful Neji's cousin on a Youthful date!"

"You mean Hanabi?" cried Lee, tears of youthful bliss pouring down his cheeks, "Ah, young love! Oh, how Youthful!"

There was a disturbed silence as everyone in near vicinity pondered over this.

"Uh…don't you mean Hinata?" Sakura asked after she had suppressed the urge to puke.

There was a distant but distinct crunching sound. Tenten glanced curiously toward the source of the sound; Neji's fingers had closed ruthlessly around a kunai, his face surprisingly calm, almost pleasant.

Lee, however, was not getting over his error well, instead weeping in a depressive, suicidal way. Luckily (or unluckily, depending on how you think about it) for him, there was no river beneath a bridge for him to fall and drown in.

"Do not worry, Lee, my Youthful student! May this be a lesson as to your Youthful estimational power!!" Gai struck another eternally Youthful 'nice Gai' pose.

Lee gasped at the sheer Youthfulness of his sensei comforting him in such a time of pain and sorrow and cried, "Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

_"Gai-sensei!!"_

_"Lee!!"_

_"GAI-SENSEI!!"_

_"LEEE!"_

With the strange mysterious power of Youth, the laws of nature were defied and a Hawaiian beach, complete with a glorious sunset and crashing waves appeared behind the two weeping shinobi.

Kakashi sweat dropped. Sakura sweat dropped. Tenten sweat dropped. The two resident emo barstards sweat dropped. Damn, even the two authoresses felt a sweat drop run down their necks as they stared from their seats at the disturbing scene on the computer screen.

After they all sweat dropped and fell over anime-style, Gai exclaimed enthusiastically to a reviving Neji, "Why, my dearly Youthful student, you must be so Youthfully glad that your cousin is getting the man of her dreams! How Youthful is that?!"

Another kunai disappeared into Neji's fingers with an ominous crack. Damn, Gai was really pushing the wrong buttons today.

Tenten glared at Neji's fingers, livid. She had spent hours (and when she said hours, she meant days (and when she said days, she meant years)), honing those kunais to perfection for her teammate. Why had she even bothered? Oh yeah, because the frigging prick and his "I-am-better-than-thou-so-don't-deny-it,for-it-is-fated-muh-ha-ha' gaze and 'fate is fated so I live with it and so will you'-shit had manipulated her! MANIPULATED HER, DAMN IT!!!

**_HOW DARE HE!!!_**

_"Don't you dare crack another one of my kunais, you little prick! NAAAARRRGGH, I'LL KILL YOU!!!" _was what she didn't say, because she still had her image to think about, thank you very much, but she gave him a glare which translated roughly to this, minus several words not suitable in a child's story.

Gai, being the naïve teacher he was, translated this infuriated glare as a poetic loving gaze and he couldn't help but murmur, "Oh, how Youthfully sweet!"

Okay, so it was louder than the explosion of Mt Krakatoa, but this is Gai we're talking about.

Neji and TenTen glared at their sensei in what he had translated into a Youthfully grateful gaze of a pair in love (which, _of course,_ it was). Rock Lee, who had translated the glare into a loving gaze because Gai had, had Youthful tears running his face, stirred by this couple in love.

Both Sakura and Sasuke looked desperately away. They had to escape (preferably with their sanity attached) fast, and they had to escape now! They looked around frantically at Kakashi for help. They received none. Kakashi was hidden behind his Icha Icha Paradise novel (cough_pornalert_cough), giggling madly in what he hoped was a subtle manner, and, which of course, wasn't.

Sakura felt the little admiration she had for Kakashi disappear in a poof of smoke. Sasuke didn't have any first place, and so the respect level went to negative 300.

Lee, inspired by the sudden apparent spurts of Youthful romance that were coming over his Youthful teammates, kneeled down on a knee in front of Sakura and cried Youthfully, "Sakura, my cherry blossom, my goddess of love! Marry me?"

…

Rock Lee watched as Sakura glanced at Sasuke desperately. Sasuke gave her a _'not-my -problem'/ 'get -lost'/ '…what?'_ look. She gave him a _'help-me!!' _gaze. He gave her a _'…no' _glare. She started glaring at him too, then suddenly smiled with an _'I've-got-an-idea!!'_ look on her face. He gave her an eyebrow raise, so Sakura gave him the look she always gave him when she asked him out on a date. He shook his head. She glared at him, nodding her head furiously. He gave her the look he always gave her when he said she was annoying. Sakura glared her best _'it's-an-escape-plan, you-idiot!!'_ , then winced. He gave her a _'yeah, and-pigs-can-fly'_ look. She glared _'well, you're-a-pig, and-if-you-don't, I'll-make-you-fly!'_ then a _'look, do-you-want-to-listen-to-Gai-ranting-on-about-youthfulness-forever?'_. Sasuke shook his head. Sakura then gave him the look she always gave him when she asked him out on a date, except with a little bit of _'or-I'll-punch-you-into-the-mearest-lake(which isn't near at all, pigass)'_. He shook his head. Sakura nodded her head. The two ninja continued these actions for a few minutes

_**"FINE, THEN DON'T!!!" **_Sakura yelled at him, tired of the repeated action.

_**"FINE, I WILL!!!"**_ Sasuke yelled at the same time, also tired of the repeated action.

They then proceeded to glare furiously at each other.

Of course, Rock Lee, without the guidance of his mentor, didn't understand this exchange of looks anymore than anyone else did, and grew sad. Gai saw this, succumbing to the sympathy he felt for his student, and ran to Lee, crying, "LEE!!"

Lee looked up to see his idol running to him and embraced him in a hugging spree/shouting match, "GAI-SENSEI!!"

Suddenly everything fell into slow motion and catchy dramatic music played in people's heads for no apparent reason.

_"LEE!!!"_

_"GAI-SENSEI!!!_

_"LEEE!!!!"_

_"GAAII-SEENSEII!!!!"_

The glares the two members of Team 7 that they were hammering into each other's heads had slowly changed into desperate looks with each shout. Sasuke suddenly said, "I accept that date.

Sakura froze. "R-really?" she asked, dumbstruck.

"_**LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"**_ cried Gai.

"Y-yeah, let's go!!" Sasuke almost shrieked, desperately grabbing Sakura's wrist and hauling her away.

"How Youthful!!!" cried Gai, who had noticed the retreating couple, "On the Youthful day of admittance of Youthful love between Youthful Naruto and Youthful Hinata-"_ (kunai snap) _"-our Youthful cherry blossom has Youthfully accepted a Youthful date with the Youthful heartthrob of Konoha!!

"How Y- wait, what?!" Lee broke away from the hug in shock.

"On the Youthful day of admittance of Youthful love between Youthful Naruto and Youthful Hinata-" _(kunai snap) _"-our Youthful cherry blossom has Youthfully accepted a Youthful date with the Youthful heartthrob of-"

Gai suddenly realised Lee wasn't in his embrace and turned to look at his retreating back, desperately chasing after Sakura and Sasuke.

"MY YOUTHFUL CHERRY BLOSSOM OF LOVE!!! COME BACK!! WE NEED TO PLAN OUR HONEYMOOOON...!!"

Tenten glared at the retreating couple. Those traitors…well, if Kakashi's team could disappear like that, Tenten wouldn't waste the opportunity.

"Neji, will you go on a date with me?" she asked, hoping her face hadn't turned red.

Neji blinked a few times, then muttered urgently, "I need to hear what happened to Hinata!"

Tenten snorted and said in a hoarse whisper, "Fine, I'm leaving."

With that, she turned to Gai and faked quite a realistic choking cough (it's not like this was the first time she'd had to escape from Gai and his moments), "I think-" (cough) "-I might-" (cough) "-be sick…" (groan) "…can I go home?" she added an extremely vulgar coughing fit just for luck.

Gai reacted immediately, just like the 378 other times he had done, "Don't worry, my Youthful Tenten! May you Youthfully recover from the un-Youthful illness. May Youthfulness prevail!"

In the rant of Youth that ensued, Neji quickly grabbed Tenten's wrist before she could flee, "You can't leave me here with the lunatics all by myself!"

He pointed out the two jounins, one of which was ranting about Youth, the other of which was giggling madly at porn.

Tenten growled, "Then accept, asshole!"

"You think I have a choice?" Neji hissed.

Somewhere in the argument that ensued and the rant of youth that was so long we won't bother to write it down, Kakashi finished the chapter. After giggling profusely to himself, he decided to save the rest for later and looked up from the safety of his book. He saw Tenten and Neji bickering like a pair in the latter stages of love and Gai ranting about youth for all he was worth. Hm…there was something wrong with the picture... something not quite right …

Wait a f****** second...

Where were his students?! He looked around desperately, but his efforts were in vain. His students had gone, gone! And without him!! How could they? After all he taught them about teamwork!!

_**(A.N: He's one to talk…)**_

How could he prove to Rin and Obito that he was a good sensei if he had no students? If he had lost his students?! He would be even worse than Gai, who-

…Gai?

Then he remembered why he had delved into his books first place.

Forget what his dead teammates would do to him in his sleep, he was stuck with Gai and his forever-damned Youth and his horrible contests!! Oh, please, of Youthful God, no more contests.

"My Youthful rival! I Youthfully challenge you to a Youthful ramen eating contest of Youth! May the most Youthful win!!"

…guess it just wasn't his day, "I-I have to go-"

Gai gasped, "But my Youthful adversary, what could be more Youthfully important than setting a Youthful example for our Youthful students?"

Said students, namely Neji and Tenten, froze and stared, positively terrified. Kakashi got a bad feeling in his gut.

"Uh…I'm b-busy-" Kakashi started backing away.

Gai grabbed his wrist before he could escape forever, "Oh, my hip cool eternally Youthful rival! Do Youthfully participate? Please? For Youth's sake?" Gai gave him puppy dog eyes, which gave Kakashi the urge to puke.

"No, I-I really am-" Kakashi attempted again.

But he had set Gai off into another Youthful rant.

"My Youthful Kakashi, do not un-Youthfully underestimate the Youthful powers of Youthful competition! May my Youthful challenge Youthfully rouse the Youthful powers of Youth in you!!" Gai cried.

As Gai once again plunged into his little world of Youthfulness, Kakashi desperately tried to think of a reasonably polite excuse to leave. He turned around when suddenly, with a flash, he glanced down on his Icha Icha Makeout Paradise, as though it was the most precious thing in the world to him- which it probably was.

_**(A.N. Betty: Pfft, they never give credit where credit is due.**_

_**Kitkat: If they did give credit where credit is due, then they'd credit us with creating credit for their horribly incredible credited situations, which wouldn't do, because the credit they would give wouldn't even be credit, and if the credit they were crediting us wasn't credit at all, they'd thereby be giving payback for the credit which we gave.**_

_**Betty: ...I'm surprised that even made sense.)**_

Well, Gai was ranting on about 'Youthful Love!!!' or something, so he may as well play along those lines.

Now, all he needed to do was find an elegible female. He scanned the street...he scanned the street again...was that a twitch from one of the unconscious bodies?...no, that was a lamp...wait...wait...

...nothing.

Unfortunately, while some of the females were slowly regaining consciousness from the fainting shock of Kakashi and Sasuke's voices, most of them still remained twitching on the ground at Kakashi's feet.

Kakashi felt the urge to weep in despair. But because Kakashi doesn't weep just because a flood of unbearable bad luck forced him in a competition with Gai without backup, he just stared coolly ahead.

He distantly heard a clang of a pot from behind him. He turned.

Even more unfortunate; one of the very few females that had recovered was Ayame, which prompted Gai to use his Youthful skills of perception and order many bowls of ramen. Kakashi really needed to get a move on now.

Luckily for him he really deserved some good luck now) a female came strolling down the street. Even more luckily, someone he knew, and someone who he could trust not to pin him down in a deserted alley.

"Kurenai! Oh, thank Kami," Kakashi hurried up to her, "Kurenai, can you go on a date with-"

His luck ran out.

Kurenai raised an eyebrow, hands at her belly, which contained a... bump.

"Ah…what…?" Kakashi stared, unwilling to accept the inevitable.

"Oh, I got a 45kg cancer cyst overnight," Kurenai said sarcastically.

Kakashi consulted his handy Womanish-To-English dictionary in the centrefold of his Icha Icha book.

There. She was pregnant.

Wait…she was pregnant? She was pregnant?!

"You're pregnant?" Kakashi stared.

"What does it look like, moron?" Kurenai snapped irritably.

"Wh-who's the father?" Kakashi stammered, mouth imitating a goldfish blowing bubbles.

Smoothly, none other than Asuma Sarutobi slid out from behind Kurenai. Kakashi nearly jumped out of his skin.

"Hello…Kakashi," said Asuma calmly, in a tone that even Kakashi (although maybe not Gai…) understood all too well.

Oh.

Kakashi gulped, sweat drops running from his forehead like a waterfall, "H-how l-long have you b-been together?" he asked tentatively; maybe if he made good conversation with them, they might be able to help him out of this mess.

Kurenai smirked, "Who said anything about being together?"

Kakashi blinked one eye. So that either meant that Asuma wasn't the lump's father or that the lump was caused by an accidental (probably from the far-too-loud and rowdy jounin celebrations) alcohol filled night of-

-_Censored train of thought that you probably didn't want to hear anyway-_

Either way, he was screwed.

Of course, this delightful little conversation had to be interrupted by none other than the conversation king himself (Gai), "Asuma!" he cried, "Kurenai! You are Youthfully having a Youthful baby!! I hope your Youthful-"

But like any other sane couple that just happened to cross a street with both Gai, Kakashi, and a whole load of unconscious bodies, the pair already had fled, even Kurenai moving at a reasonable pace, A.K.A the speed of sound.

Kakashi nearly broke down crying, but this was Kakashi and Kakashi doesn't break down crying, he maintains a cool composure. So he did.

...

Okay, so maybe he did sweat a little, but you have to understand the situation. Kakashi was about to be forced into a ramen eating competition with Gai, and if there was one thing about Gai, he never gave up. And if there was one thing about Kakashi, it was he didn't like being beaten by spandex-wearing retards. And being able to remain calm in a situation like this is an amazing feat.

Inwardly, however, he was panicking to high heaven. Where had all the eligible females gone?

As if in contradiction to this thought and an answer to his prayer, a certain jounin appeared at the end of the street, dango stick in her mouth and a hairstyle similar to a certain Mr-chicken-arse-hair, who had run away with a certain pink-haired kunoichi and left their sensei all alone with a raving maniac. How considerate.

"Anko!" he rushed forward, "Anko, will you go on a date with me? Please?"

"Oh, so now you're begging for a date, huh?" Anko hissed through a mouth full of dango, "Well, tough luck, 'cause YOU'RE TOO LATE, YOU PRIDELESS BARSTARD!!!"

Kakashi stared at her in confusion and shock, "…what?"

Kakashi stared.

"Don't you remember? Ugh, don't answer," Anko snarled, "Okay, 18 years ago..."

* * *

:Flashback:

Kakashi was doing what all 'young' perverted grey-ahem-silver-haired boys do after what all 'young' perverted grey-ahem-silver-haired boys did every morning when…

"Hi, Kakashi-san!" Anko grinned through a mouth of dango.

Kakashi turned around, eyebrow raised, "…yes?"

"I was wondering…will you go on a date with me? We could go to Ichiraku and then to the sweetshop and I'll show you where I buy my dango and we could buy some, if you like dango of course, we could always buy wagashi, or arare, although I don't really like arare, unless you do, then I'll eat some…" Anko babbled hopefully, twisting strands of her ponytail around her finger.

"…no," Kakashi turned away again.

"Oh…alright…" Anko turned away, disappointed, "Doesn't matter then."

Kakashi returned to doing what all 'young' perverted grey-ahem-silver-haired boys do after what all 'young' perverted grey-ahem-silver-haired boys did every morning.

:End Flashback:

* * *

"B-but that was just once!"Kakashi protested.

Anko glared at him, "Just ONCE?!!" she yelled at him, spraying bits of dango on him, adding a bit of colour to his ramen-flavoured hair; of course, Kakashi was a bit occupied to care about his hair.

Kakashi stumbled back, "Uh…wasn't it?"

"You ignorant little TEME!!!!" Anko screeched, "Fine. I'll remind you of another…incident …12 years ago…"

* * *

:Flashback:

Kakashi was walking down, incidentally, the very same street he would be on 12 years later when…

"Hello, Kakashi," someone said slyly from behind him.

Kakashi turned his head slowly. Anko was grinning maniacally, drunkenly and suggestively. Kakashi blinked as his brain froze in complete horror. Not again…no, even worse...she was wearing a vest. A chuunin vest. She had made chuunin. Kakashi froze.

Her smile turned predatory. She took a step closer. He took a step back.

"Aren't you going to treat me to a celebration?" Despite swaying on the spot, her head tilting side to side dizzily, her mouth open yet curved in a drunken, half unconscious expression, a slight hint of threat twisted in her slurred words.

She stepped forward. He stepped back. This contiued for several hours when suddenly Kakashi felt the wall on his back. He swallowed his terror (and his spleen) back into his body.

_Obito and Rin...where are you when it's an emergency?!!?_

* * *

Meanwhile:

"So deal?" asked Obito.

"Hell yeah, all the chuunin graduatees are way too young to hit on him, and anyway, they're busy getting drunk at the local bar," Rin smirked. "Piece of cake."

"We'll see," said Obito, burying himself in his ramen bowl to hide his smrik.

* * *

Meanwhile:

Anko inched closer and closer. Kakashi tried to wriggle past her. He almost succeeded when she placed both hands on either side on him.

Kakashi winced as Anko's fingers found the edge of his mask and began to pull it lower and lower...

**_No! Not the mask! Even the books but not the mask!_**

Anko inched closer...and closer...and closer...and closer...when...

"Yes! I made genin!" crowed a certain someone. A certain male someone. A certain male someone named Iruka Umino.

Iruka skipped happily down the street. Sure, he'd have to sort out Minato's paperwork that reached the Hokage's mountain, but he had made genin! He was a ninja now!!!

Kakashi sagged in despair. And then he saw the poor innocent genin kid skipping past the alleyway. Yes!

He hid his hands behind his back and flicked through the hand signs faster than he ever had before.

Anko leaned forward, her half drunk mind barely clinging onto the edge of sanity, of awake perception, just barely aware of the cloth grasped between her fingers, only knowing the fact that she was finally going to see the face... the face of him hidden beneath the mask...

She leaned forward and instinctively pouted, her subconscious taking over where her conscious mind was slipping away...

And then her lips hovered, an infinitesimal gap between her lips and his...

**_(A.N: Wait for it... Wait for it...)_**

And then they met...

She was suddenly jerked to near wakefulness by the feel of cold metal beneath her lips. Was Kakashi's lips made of metal? Was that why he hid it under his mask?

Iruka stared up. "Huh?" Okay, tall girl. Okay fine. Tall recently promoted chuunin girl. Also fine. Tall recently promoted chuunin girl that smelled of alcohol and was making out with his... forehead protector?

"I think... you missed," he stammered out.

The voice was way too uncool to be Kakashi. Wait... that meant...

Anko opened her eyes.

Iruka stared at the seething about-to-explode kunoichi. Now to try and escape without a mortal injury...

"Uh... I think Kakashi substituted with me," Iruka attempted, timidly, "I think I should go, my mum-"

Unfortunately, while Anko's head was almost totally alert, her ears were not.

"Did you suggest you could substitute for Kakashi?!!" Anko half slurred, half snarled, drawing a kunai out.

Iruka froze, "No! That's not what-"

"That's exactly what you meant, you little turd!!" Anko shrieked, "Take that!! And that!! And THATT!! AND THAT!!!!!! AND..."

Kakashi winced with every blow and quickly ran off.

He'd thank Iruka later.

* * *

Several minutes later:

Anko wiped her kunai blade against her uniform. Several seconds later, a bruised and bloody Iruka toppled out of the alleyway, cursed Kakashi, and ran. Screw genin celebratory parties; he was feeling dizzy enough already. He had better things to do. Like cleaning saliva off his forehead protector.

* * *

Meanwhile:

Kakashi stumbled towards Ichiraku and gasped in relief as he heard his teammates.

"Obito, we should really start looking for Kakashi!"

There was were sounds of slurping and chewing.

"Don't worry about Kakashi. The worst he's going to face are mad fangirls attempting to rape him after too much alcohol."

Rin huffed, "But he's always earlier than you are."

Obito chomped on indifferently.

She grew worried. "I mean...the fan girl chuunin graduates are four years younger than he is...that should be a big enough age difference...right?"

Obito grinned into his ramen. "Oh, and if he happens to be raped by fan boys instead, I still win the-"

"Y-yo!" Kakashi stammered, half from fatigue, half from terrified horror, and stumbled into a seat next to Obito.

"Wow, you're really out of it today," Obito commented through strings of noodles in his mouth.

Kakashi gave a great and regal sigh.

"So, was it fanboys or fangirls?" Kakashi gave Obito an affronted look.

Obito either didn't notice or ignored Kakashi, "So a mob of fangirls cornered you in an alleyway?"

Kakashi sighed again. That was loyalty for you. He could have been raped and traumatised for the rest of his life, while his teammates sat around eating ramen predicted that he would almost be raped, hell even betted on it, and yet not even raising a finger to stop it.

But he, of course, had a reputation to uphold.

"No, of course not," Kakashi said with a nervous laugh, "Would a chuunin graduate trap me in an alley way, pin me against the wall while drunk, attempt to remove my mask and kiss me, force me to substitute with an unwitting genin and run away to a ramen stall with friends that were betting over my well being?! Of course not!! How could you even suggest that? Haha...ha..."

Obito raised an eyebrow.

...

"Just one," Kakashi admitted.

"It still counts," Obito smirked, "I did say he'd be abducted."

"Damn," Rin hissed, shooting a bitter glare at Kakashi as if it was his fault.

"Give it here," taunted Obito, making a beckoning gesture with one hand.

Rin tossed a wad of yen grudgingly at Obito. He raised an eyebrow, "Wrong currency."

Rin swore then chucked a wad of ryo at Obito's face, "I swear, the stalkers and fan girls get younger every-"

"There you are, Kakashi," Anko said sweetly from behind him.

Kakshi jumped 50 metres into the air and landed facing her, shivering and butt-sore.

Rin turned and her eyes narrowed, "Who's she?"

"Who're you?" Anko spat.

Rin smirked smugly, "I'm Kakashi's teammate. You?"

"I'm Kakashi's girlfriend," Anko replied even more smugly.

"WHAT???!!!!" Kakashi and Rin shouted simultaneously. Obito wolf whistled fromo his empty bowl of ramen. Without looking, Kakashi swiftly punched Obito and he went down like a ton of bricks.

"Kakashi..." muttered Anko and Rin at simultaneously, before shooting death glares at one another.

"She's your girlfriend?" Rin asked dangerously.

"I am, aren't I?" Anko asked equally dangerously.

Blink.

_Think, Kakashi, Think!, _he ordered himself, _Rin, Anko, Rin, Anko, evil ungrateful team-mate, scary chunin graduate who pinned me to a wall and threatened to reveal my face and would probably do that and more if she had the chance, not to mention a scary hairstyle, years his junior, looked like she hadn't seen a hairdryer in years, looked like one of those scary BDSM bondage 'sensei's he'd seen on television-wait, BDSM sensei?_

...

_**"I"M ON A DATE WITH RIN!!!!!" **_he shrieked in terror as scary whips and fluffy pink handcuffs danced the polka in his completely untainted mind.

"You are?" asked Anko in shock and horror.

"I am?" asked Rin, trying to hold in her ecstasy.

**_"YES, YOU ARE, NOW LET'S GO!!!!"_** Kakashi leaped off the stool and disappeared with Rin in the time it took for Anko to blink.

Anko stared as the two ran away. There was the distant chirping of birds happily flying in the distance, ripping innocent little worms into peices with their cute little beaks. Obito stirred and blinked groggily.

"Hey! Rin! Kakashi! Come back!" he called, running after them.

Anko broke down, kneeling on the now silent street.

"Kukuku..." whispered Orochimaru.

* * *

And the rest is history.

:End Flashback:

* * *

Kakashi once again cursed his bad luck and resumed grovelling, "Please! It's an emergency!"

"Does it look like I care?" Anko snarled.

"But-but it was only twice!"

Anko glared at him.

Kakashi winced, "Okay, maybe eleven, but still!"

Anko's glare turned from frustrated to malicious.

"Please! It's Gai!" Kakashi pleaded.

"You can be gay with him for all I care," Anko said maliciously, "Can't you see, sweetie, I'VE MOVED ON!!!"

"Just ONE DATE!" Kakashi all but screamed.

"I'm already on a date," Anko said disgustedly.

"With...?" asked Kakashi suspiciously.

"With...uh..." Anko realised there was nobody around.

Kakashi's pulse raced. "Well?" he demanded, triumphant. Finally! He was going be rid of Gai and his forever damned youthfulness!

_**(A.N: Au contraire, my friend.)**_

Then he heard a voice that made his heart sink.

"Yes! I made jounin!" Iruka crowed, clutching the jounin forehead protector. Sure, he would have to do Tsunade's paperwork which was higher than Mt Fuji, but he had made jounin!

"With Iruka!" Anko crowed, equally triumphant, before pouncing on him in one leap.

"Ah!" Iruka yelled as Anko landed on his stomach and pinned him to the ground.

"There you are, dearie," Anko grinned wickedly.

Iruka felt a chill run up his spine. "What are you-" he shut up at the malicious glare that Anko sent him. She pried the precious forehead protector out of his hands and whispered in his ear, "Let's go and have some fun..."

"What are you doing-Aah! Hey, that hurt! Let go of me!"

Kakashi stared as Anko abducted Iruka and disappeared faster than lightning into the nearest alleyway....maybe if he followed them, he could-

"What-hey those are my pants! What are you- mmrrfghmmph!"

Okay, maybe not.

Due to the circumstances, Kakashi was forced to re-evaluate his options...wait, what options? There were none to begin with. No unwitting females strolled down the street. No Anbu came to put Gai in prison for overuse of the word Youthful.

In other words, he was doomed. This was only emphasised when-

"Kakashi! Prepare for our youthful ramen eating contest!"

...

He'd kill Iruka later.

* * *

And there we go, the first chapter of the Gai arc. Second one's coming very soon. I think.

The hits are good, the reviews are better. Please review.

On that note, see you in a week. Maybe.


	9. Escaping the Springtime

This is KitKat, and aloha, people, and welcome to the 9th chapter of One Thousand Years of Death!!

...

Yes, people, I'm back. And to those of you who are reading, thank you for doing what you are currently doing (apart from breathing, blinking, eating, drinking, smoking...or whatever else you are doing that is not reading this chapter [not that we don't want you to do those things, completely the opposite, just in case you take offense, 'cause we do want you to continue to do these things {unless you're strangling someone, in which case we kindly ask you to remove your hands from his neck and step back a few steps, please.}]).

You see, we've noticed a slowing-down in the stream of hits we're getting, from 735 in the first chapter, to 243 in the 2nd, 171 in the third, then 116, then 89, 47, 39 and 19 in the last chapter, and we've still got a good 20+ chapters to get through, so please spread the word! Tell your friends, tell your enemies, tell your mum, tell that dust patch in the corner, mail your friends on , mail all the rest of your friends (including the 36 475 ones you have on Facebook), mail a postcard, put junkmail in your neighbour's postbox, plaster the town in posters, kidnap that grouchy hermit down the street and ransom him for, you guessed it, more hits (that last one was a joke, we love the grouchy hermit down the street)! 'Cause it's going to end up that only a handful of you are going to be reading this and we'll be alone, alone!

And that would be sad.

Honest!

Anko: Where the F*** are my cookies?!

KitKat: -_sniffle-_ Here...

Anko:_ -snatches cookies and runs away-_

KitKat: _-huddles in cosy spot in the attic-_

On a brighter note, happy Easter everybody (a bit late, but it's the thought that counts!...I can't believe I said that with a straight face)!!! I decided cookies were so 28th of March, so I'm giving chocolate and hot cross buns instead!! They're fresh!

_**-/complimentary chocolate and hot cross buns here\-**_

Oh, and doesn't this look like Itachi (only less happy)?

^/- \^

And Chouji...

;u;

Anyway, onto the disclaimer and warning:

**Disclaimer:**

This one's brought to you by-

Gai: _**Konoha's Youthfully Sublime Green Beast of Prey, Eternal Rival of Kakashi Hatake, Copy Ninja of Konoha, the Leaf's Noble Gentleman, Maito Gai!!!!!!**_

(echo, echo, echo, echo...)

KitKat:...

Betty:...

Gai: No need to ask, my Youthful FF writers! Youthful KitKat and Youthful Betty don't Youthfully own the Youthful Naruto series or any other of Kishimoto's Youthful creations, including I, myself.

Betty: And we don't own Spandex.

Gai: Correct, my Youthful chickadee!!

Betty:...uh, thanks...

KitKat: Well, um...see you in today's chap!

Gai: Of Youthfully course!! May you burn with the flame of Youth!!

_-disappears in a puff of green-Spandex coloured smoke-_

...

Betty: That never happened, okay?

KitKat: I don't know what you're talking about.

Betty: Good.

**Warning: **Abuse of Naruto, Naruto's arse, Naruto's optimism, Naruto's previously mentioned injuries (including his legs, his arms, his face, his teeth, his spine, his anal regions...), Naruto's peace and harmony, Kakashi, Kakashi (yes, I repeated it, so what?), Kakashi's arse, Kakashi's shoulders, Kakashi's sexuality, Kakashi's stomach, Kakashi's arms, Kakashi's hair, Gai, Gai's teeth (all those sparks should've burnt Gai's teeth away by now), Gai's poses, Gai's vocabulary, Gai's face, Tenten, Tenten's gender, Tenten's heart (it did leap out of her chest), Tenten's chest, Tenten's blood, Tenten's sweat, Tenten's tears, Tenten/Neji's kunais, Neji's sexuality, Neji's hair, sparkle effects, Youth, conditioner, Training Ground 44, cookies, porn-_ahem_-erotic-fiction, the layers of fat in Chouza's belly, author's notes, those line-thingys, the fabric of space and time, the speed of light, the speed of sound, the laws of physics and Einstien (was it Einstien who invented the laws of physics, or was it Isaac Newton? Maybe it was Zsaa Zsaa Billy-Bob). Also sexual references, adult content, mild coarse language, repetitive rhyme, extreme stupidity, mentions of homosexuality, green Spandex wearing bunnies, competitions, miracles (well, the fact the oven didn't explode at 7000 degrees is something), understatements and giving up, exaggeration of Gai's lameness, exaggeration of the small limit of Kakashi's creativity, and overuse of bold and italics, Youthful, long Youth rants, Youths, the letter Y (yes, capital), Youthfully, author's notes, line-thingys and Youth. Read at your own risk.

Now enjoy or go to hell.

* * *

**_Where we left off last time..._**

_Kakashi stared as Anko abducted Iruka and disappeared faster than lightning into the nearest alleyway....maybe if he followed them, he could-_

_"What-hey those are my pants! What are you- mmrrfghmmph!"_

_Okay, maybe not._

_Due to the circumstances, Kakashi was forced to re-evaluate his options...wait, what options? There were none to begin with. No unwitting females strolled down the street. No Anbu came to put Gai in prison for overuse of the word Youthful._

_In other words, he was doomed. This was only emphasised when-_

_"Kakashi! Prepare for our youthful ramen eating contest!"_

_..._

_He'd kill Iruka later._

* * *

Gai leapt over enthusiastically like a giant green-Spandex-wearing bunny on a sugar high, grabbed Kakashi and literally plonked Kakashi on the seat. Well, he would have, if it hadn't been for Chouza Akimichi, who had miraculously gained the speed of sound and slid into the seat a few milliseconds just before Kakashi's doomed arse landed. Which was the unfortunate and un-Youthful reason Kakashi bounced off all the layers of fat of Chouza's belly and landed a twitching mess on the ground.

Despite this, Chouza was a lifesaver. If Kakashi lay here long enough, then maybe Gai would give up!

...

Fat chance. An un-Youthful set of words like 'give up' probably wouldn't even exist in Gai's Youthful vocabulary.

Okay. Back to Plan A.

"Ayame?" he asked tentatively.

"Mm-hmm?" she asked, moving at lightning speed, piling bowl after bowl in front of Chouza Akimichi. Kakashi lowered his voice, even as Gai pranced around, trying to 'invite' people to watch the ramen eating contest.

"Will you go on a date with me?" Kakashi asked. Ayame nodded, still distributing bowls at a lightning fast speed.

"Like now?" asked Kakashi. Ayame nodded again, and turned to the ramen stove, and changed its temperature to over 7000 degrees and began heating up huge batches of noodles, even as Akimichi Chouza let out a huge burp, equivalent to the rumble of Mt Vesuvius before it erupted.

The whole ramen stand shook. Kakashi sweat-dropped as Ayame continued to shovel bowls and bowls of ramen in front of her in an attempt to satiate Chouza's hunger. Not that it was working, but you couldn't blame her for trying.

Kakashi wondered if this girl was deaf. Or maybe she was just odd. After all, not to sound arrogant, but every other single girl he had asked out had joyfully (and a little too enthusiastically than was sane or healthy) glomped him until he was struggling to breathe.

It was only then he noticed the tiny yellow earplugs inserted in her ears. Kakashi's shoulders sagged as he gave up on ever finding a date.

It seemed his sad fate that he would remain a sad singleton.

...

Wait a second...

_**(A.N. Damned rhymes…)**_

Tenten had caught onto what Kakashi was doing. And truth to tell, while she didn't really enjoy or even appreciate having to date random perverted, porn reading grey haired, deformed Cyclops-ian males, Gai going on a youth rant + ramen eating contest was just too much for her.

Kakashi turned to glance at Team Gai. It was now or never. With an embarrassed sigh he stepped forward. Tenten tapped her foot impatiently. She'd be damned if another guy (never mind the fact that he was perverted-porn-reading-grey-haired-deformed-guy) ever dismissed her as non-feminine again. Just because she was stronger than most girls and actually put in blood, sweat and tears to become so didn't mean she was completely worthless as a girl.

She growled and silently dared Kakashi to overlook her as well. She'd gut him with her steel blades and scoop his insides out with her kunai.

Kakashi took another step forward. Her heart leapt.

_**(A.N. -smirk- Wait for it...wait...)**_

"NEJI?! WILL YOU GO ON A DATE WITH ME?!!"

...

_**(A.N Okay, so it was more of a mutter…a murmur…a whisper…but still, it was loud enough for Tenten and Neji to hear)**_

Tenten seriously considered jumping off the Hokage's tower. Being ignored was enough, but choosing Neji? Over her? As a date? When he was clearly male? (Well, except for the hair. The hair was definitely girly. But to her credit, Neji used twice the amount of shampoo and conditioner than she did)

Or maybe, Kakashi was gay. That made sense and also happened to explain why Anko refused to mention anything to do with Kakashi. She snorted. Neji could have him.

The kunai pieces left Neji's fingers in a shower of metal dust. Was Kakashi suggesting that he, the most prominent of the ninja of the Hyuuga clan, master of all Hyuugan techniques, was gay?

Neji would have immediately attempted to kill Kakashi at that moment if this action wouldn't have prompted a Youth filled protest from Gai, followed by a compliment from Lee, followed by another shouting match/mega-hugging spree from the both of them, resulting in a slump from the rest of them, thereby bringing Neji back where he started. And Neji wasn't really one for pointless cycles.

So Neji escaped Gai's Youthfulness, Lee's enthusiasm and extreme humiliation via Kakashi the only way he could.

"Tenten, I accept your offer."

Tenten was too busy glaring at Kakashi, mouth drawn into a snarl like she had been slapped and looking ready to kill him. She clearly hadn't heard what he had said. If Neji didn't want Kakashi to be killed, thus prompting a Youth filled protest from Gai, followed by a compliment from Lee, followed by another shouting match/mega-hugging spree from the both of them, resulting in a slump from the rest of them, thereby bringing Neji back where he started, then he would have to get her attention. Fast. He grabbed her shoulders and pulled her to him.

"Tenten." he enunciated slowly, shaking her with every syllable, "Will. You. Go. On. A. Date. With. Me?"

There was a dull silence as Tenten slowly registered Neji's words. Then, with the triumph of someone that has been labouring for ten years to dig a hole with a spoon to escape from a top security prison, she pulled Neji away down to the end of the street.

After a while, after she deemed it finally safe to stop, she turned to Neji.

"Okay, since we're technically 'dating'" Tenten made air quotes around the words. "One. No Touching. Two. No acting lovey-dovey, smiling, kissing or anything to do with that. Three. Stop. Breaking. My. Goddamned. Ku-"

Neji smirked at her evilly yet coolly, with the malicious intent of someone who has found a way to continually and eternally piss someone off. Which he had. Definitely.

He allowed his hand to innocently drift down to his hip holster. The one which happened to carry his kunai and shuriken. He slowly pulled out a kunai. One of his best, in fact. In fact, it just happened to be _the_ Kunai that Tenten had given to him, polished and laminated (yes, laminated) for his birthday present. He saw Tenten's eyes follow the kunai he was holding, with the air of someone who was hypnotised. She shook her head quickly, and her expression turned furious, "Oh no you don't-"

Neji smirked wider and let his hands close around the cool metal. And for the third, fourth (he'd lost track) time that day the sound of a cracking kunai filled the air one more.

* * *

Meanwhile:

Kakashi blinked as the two ninja skipped away. But Neji wasn't gay... right? He'd only asked Neji to because he was the closest thing to a girl at hand. Was he missing something there?

...

Oh right. Tenten was a girl.

Whoops.

**(A.N. Understatement of the year.)**

By now a crowd of now conscious spectators, roused by Gai's Youthful cries of Youth, were starting to egg him on and were pushing him to the ramen stand.

He stared, almost sick, at the bowls of miso ramen that awaited him. Gai then shot him a blinding grin and pronounced, "Now, my eternal rival, let us begin!"

And so, they began.

Kakashi made it bravely through the first five bowls. He was nearly packed to exploding point by now. Gai gave him a thumbs-up and munched through his sixth bowl.

This was impossible. Was there anybody he knew (hell, anyone that _existed_) that could possibly get through this contest (alive) and win?

...

Naruto! Of course!

Think like Naruto...feel like Naruto...

With that little bit of knowledge tucked in his pocket, Kakashi ploughed his way through the rest of the bowl.

Sometime later:

I...have...got...to...get...through...this...Naruto...would...be...at...his...fortieth...by...now...

Kakashi stared, sickened, at his 31st bowl.

Must...continue...eating...honour...at...risk...

Sometime later than sometime later:

"Ugh," Kakashi flopped uselessly onto the ground, His stomach swollen, stretched, and probably bigger than Kurenai's apparent 45kg cancer cyst.

"Gai wins!" cried one of the useless spectators. Kakashi reached out to throttle him, but his arms... wouldn't...move!

"The FIRES OF YOUTH PREVAIL once more!" cried Gai, Youthful tears streaming down his Youthful face.

Youthful to the very end, Gai finished his 43rd bowl and collapsed onto the ground, twitching Youthfully (although, at this point, we would assume Gai wasn't really thinking about Youth, or even his Youthful image, or even his beautiful Spandex trackies; more like trying to hold his stomach in…we would assume.).

**(A.N Betty: Aren't we taking this 'Youth' thing a little far?**

**KitKat: No sir!**

**…**

**KitKat and Betty: -sigh-)**

At this point in time, Akimichi Chouza finished his last bowl and placed it on top of the tower of bowls equivalent to the height of Mt Everest (give or take a few metres/feet).

He gave a contented yawn, belched, and tossed a huge pile of ryo on the counter.

"Amateurs," he scoffed as he glanced at the almost unconscious jounins and made his way down the street.

Gai, with his miraculous recovery rate (at least where his eternal rival was concerned) immediately bounced up and proclaimed, "Do not remain so un-Youthfully forlorn! We shall Youthfully spar, Kakashi! If I do not Youthfully win, I will Youthfully cartwheel around Konoha 5000 times! And if you Youthfully beat me within a Youthful hour, I shall Youthfully cartwheel with one Youthful hand! And if I..."

Kakashi Youthfully slammed his Youthful head on the Youthful street. And again. And again. Maybe if he kept going, this miserable day, and perhaps this _Youthful_ life, would end…

...

_Fat chance,_ said a smug voice in his Youthful head.

Kakashi slammed his head into the road again.

* * *

Sometime later:

Naruto wondered whether some eternal omnipresent omniscient god/being-type-thing with a twisted sense of humour had nominated him for a torturing fest.

Of course, on the bright side...well…

His optimism failed him. He had broken both legs, his spine, lacerated his whole body, cracked several ribs, had several teeth knocked out, had his hairstyle ruined, and if the assault continued, he might not even be able to sit on a toilet properly ever again. And that was only his bodily injuries.

He had been 1000-years-of-death-ed by his own instructor, had accidentally perved on the Hyuuga Heiress who had an over protective cousin named Neji outside and even the Legendary Laze had shoved his fingers up his arse.

Yeah...a twisted sense of humour, all right.

Where was he landing anyway? He suddenly noticed Training Ground 44, where two strangely familiar figures stood. One was green, striking a 'nice Gai' pose and a person with a forehead protector over one eye with strange grey_ahem_silver hair that defied gravity.

...

Oh no.

* * *

Sometime before:

_How did I get roped into this again?_, wondered Kakashi in training ground 44. Gai merely responded by flashing one of his blinding, tinkling, sparkling teeth, complete with Youthful sound effects.

"Charge! For Youth!" Gai cried, his mouth still oddly set in the Youthful ultraviolet smile.

He delivered a series of lightning fast spin-kicks to Kakashi's head. Kakashi retaliated by sweeping into another defensive stance and channelled chakra into his hands to copy the slug sannin.

Gai struck his teeth into another blinding grin (if it weren't the fact that Kakashi had the Sharingan, he would be severely blinded by now) and laughed, "You think that by using one's jutsu against oneself, you will win? This technique has been drained of its Youth!"

**(A.N …okay, second understatement of the year.)**

Now for a bit of history.

The Senjuu were renowned for being able to channel energy explosively. This led to the Gentle Fist technique, Tsunade's (and later Sakura's, although in this fic she's still stuck in the pre-shippuden rut) super punches and you guessed it, the One Thousand Years of Death (cue _gasp_).

_-insert wolf whistle-_

So, Gai's mistake wasn't completely unjustified. There was a possibility. A tiny chance maybe. A miniscule, invisible chance perhaps, but a chance nevertheless.

And you have to cut Gai a little slack. After all, he wasn't exactly known for being the sharpest shuriken in the kunai hip holster, was he?

Kakashi's eyes widened. Gai created the Slug Sannin's own technique? And hadn't bragged about it before?

Gai struck a Gai pose, this one vaguely resembling a peacock, "Yes, my Youthful rival, it was I who created...the One Thousand Years of Death!"

Kakashi swore he saw a tumbleweed running past them.

It seemed that Gai had created a jutsu just about as pathetic as himself.

"And, Youthful rival of Youthful eternity, I shall grant you the most Youthful honour of being the first opponent that the new Youthful variation of my Youthful jutsu shall be demonstrated on!"

Kakashi sweat-dropped.

Gai leapt at the speed of light towards Kakashi. Kakashi, most Youthfully expectantly, wasn't really in the mood to be ass-poked by Gai. Kakashi tried to move but his feet felt like lead and moved like lead too. The solid kind.

_Come on!_, he begged fate or luck, or whatever was giving him this horrible day, _You've had your bloody Youthful fun! I've been rejected by Kurenai and Anko, had to ask Neji out, got rejected almost instantly, had to tolerate Gai's thrice-damned Youthfulness, my students deserted me, and to top it all off, even Asuma got some tail before I did! Please?! Just a drop of good luck from your bloody Youthful arse??!!_

**(A.N. Grovel!**

**Kakashi: What? Where am I?**

**Betty: I said grovel, damn you!**

**Kakashi: B-but it'll ruin my hair!**

**Betty: Well, if you don't, you'll be abused by Gai's fingers!**

**KitKat: I hear the new variations of the jutsu has thumbs -grins wickedly-**

**Kakashi: B-but-**

**Betty: Well, I guess you're gonna be stabbed in the ass by the Green Beast of Konoha himself. Have fun.**

**Kakashi: No! Please! I'll do anything!**

**KitKat: -smirk- Anything, hm?**

**Kakashi:...-squeak-**

**Betty: Now that's a good boy. Get down on your knees...and kiss the ground in front of our feet...**

**Kakashi: -sigh- ...fine! –does so-**

**KitKat: And repeat after me. I, Kakashi Hatake…**

**Kakashi: I, Kakashi Hatake…**

**KitKat: Copy ninja of Konoha…**

**Kakashi: Copy ninja of Konoha…**

**KitKat: Almighty reader of porn and most perverted sensei in the universe-**

**Kakashi: It's erotic fiction!**

**Betty: -raise eyebrow-**

**Kakashi: Almighty reader of porn and most perverted sensei in the universe…**

**KitKat: Beg for the mercy and compassion of the two authoresses in front of me…**

**Kakashi: Beg for the mercy and compassion of the two authoresses in front of me…**

**Betty: And I am an inconsiderate arse.**

**KitKat:…**

**Kakashi: -glare- And I am an inconsiderate arse.**

**Betty: Good. Now be gone, inferior character!**

**-disappears-**

**KitKat: That's my line, you know.**

**Betty: Now it isn't.)**

And then _it_ came flying down.

Literally.

Suddenly everything went into slow-mo as Gai blinked Youthfully as an orange blur streaked down and landed on his fingers, screaming and all. With all the Youthfulness Gai could muster, Gai uttered the Youthful name of the Youthful variation of the Youthful jutsu.

_**"ONE THOUSAND YEARS OF PAAAIIN!!!"**_

...

(For maximum pleasure, please imagine the very low yell of a Youthful dude in slow motion. Thank you for your consideration and please enjoy the rest of your flight.)

And the pwnage of the Youthful _**One-Thousand-Years-of-Paaain!!!**_-justu was inflicted on Naruto's pwned, sore arse and he flew off, confused and screaming at/to what gods there were to his next destination.

Kakashi blinked, "Was that who I think it was?"

"That Youthfully depends on who you were Youthfully thinking of, of course!" Gai replied merrily, striking a thumbs-up, ruining a perfectly good catchline with Youth.

With a sigh, Kakashi punched Gai in the face while his eyes were closed in the Gai-pose, downing him in one strike flat. With that, he turned on his heel and left, probably towards the general direction of Obito's monument to mourn some more.

Hopefully, Gai wouldn't wake up to momentous task of one-handed cartwheels for a long, long time.

* * *

...

Okay, fine, it wasn't One Thousand Years of Death, but a little variation can't hurt, can it?

_-denial ninja swing in and bash KitKat up-_

...

Okay, this is getting a little old...

_-YOU-LIE!!!! ninja come in and stab KitKat all over-_

...

_-overuse-of-'...' ninja come in and '...'-_

_.. _(So there!)

Anyway, thanks for reading, _please_ come again, and _please review!!!_

On that note, see you in a week. Maybe.


	10. Of Vampires and Lemonade

Interesting introduction no jutsu!

Because Kitkat loves the warnings, and I think they're a waste of space, we're holding a vote for all you people who've read up to here so far.

Just cast a review, comment on something you liked/disliked and why, and whether you want the warnings to remain or not.

Please vote to take them down... the fic is way too long as it is.

Thanks.

* * *

**Disclaimer:**

Iruka: _*glares at chapter with barely disguised fury*_

KitKat: So?

Iruka: What do you mean so?

Betty: Did you enjoy it?

Iruka: What do you expect me to say about it?

Betty: That it's the most wonderful thing you've ever read in the whole world, including the Icha Icha Make out Paradise series?

Iruka: THIS CHAPTER SUCKED TO BLOODY HELL. I'M NOT A WIMP, I'M NOT SCARED OF LEMONS, OR OF BIG BLACK HOLES, AND MOST OF ALL, I'M NOT SCARED OF VAMPIRES!

KitKat: I'm sorry Iruka, but denial is the first sign of guilt-

Iruka: AND I DON'T READ ICHA ICHA!

Betty: _*smirk*_ You wanna bet?

KitKat: _*roll eyes*_ Dude, your gambling addiction's getting out of hand.

Betty: Hey, just you're so jealous of me because I'm good at betting and gambling doesn't mean I can't bet and gamble!

KitKat: ...um, actually it does.

Betty:_ *sticks tongue out at KitKat*_

Iruka:...

Betty: Well, of course you don't want to bet, Iruka the ninja wimp. Leave the gambling to the females.

Iruka:...hey!

Betty: Now shut up and do the disclaimer.

Iruka: I- bu- fine.

KitKat: _*sighs*_

Iruka: KitKat 'n' Betty do not own Naruto or any other of Kishimoto's creations, or the Key to Rondo.

KitKat: Or Twilight. _*smiles sweetly*_

Betty: _*in sing song voice*_ And as a reward, I have a surprise for you!

Anko:_ *appears*_ Iruka-kun!

Iruka: NOOOOO! Vamp- I mean- evil bitchy girl that enjoys sucking my bl- uh, torturing people is coming after me!

Betty: Sure, Iruka, whatever you say.

Iruka: NOOOOO! _*runs off*_

Real Anko from cage in sky: _*venomously* _You're going to pay for this, you evil-

Betty: Yeah, whatever, put a sock in it. _*shoves sock in said character's mouth*_

KitKat: Isn't that a bit overkill?

Betty: Oh, whatever you say, KitKat. _*goes back to reading Maximum Ride*_

KitKat: _*sighs*_

* * *

**Warning:** Abuse of Naru-

Oh, wait, Naruto doesn't appaer in this chapter. Oh god. Another chapter without that label. We're doomed.

Abuse of Iruka, Iruka's shoulder, Iruka's pants, Iruka's memory, The tiny part of Iruka that shrivelled and died, Iruka's hair, Iruka's head, Iruka's feet, Iruka's shirt, Iruka's chuunin skills and observational talents, Iruka's non wimpy-ness, Anko's identity, Anko's skills, Anko's movement abilities, Anko's body, Tsunade, Tsunade's desk, Tsunade's balance, Tsunade's stomach, Tsunade's vomit, Shizune, Shizune's Loyalty, Hayate, Hayate's presumed non perverted persona (or not), hideyholes, Tonton, unconscious bodies, illusionary roadblocks, doctors, yoghurt, Twister (the game, not the natural disaster), Twister champions, lemons (the innocent, fruity kind, you perverted arseholes), the Chinese, Chinese products, Chinese glue, Tora, panties, kunoichi in general, vampires, blood, foresight, telepathy, leeches, Science, clocks, stupid brick walls, sound waves, the Amazon, built-in-crossover-sense radars, unimaginable things, lollipop ladies, gravity, the speed of sound and light, the fabric of time and space, author's notes (by a mile), those line thingys, the Laws of Physics, and** Doom **(yes, **Doom**). Also mentions of crossovers, Edward Cullen, hidey holes and geography teachers. Contains sexual discrimination, racial discrimination, sexual references, adult content (no lemons, though, as you can tell), degradation and severe humiliation. Read at your own risk. Both physical and mental. (Yes, we have to add that now).

Now enjoy or go to hell.

* * *

**_Where we left off last time..._**

"Yes! I made jounin!" Iruka crowed, clutching the jounin forehead protector. Sure, he would have to do Tsunade's paperwork which was higher than Mt Fuji, but he had made jounin!

"With Iruka!" Anko crowed, equally triumphant, before pouncing on him in one leap.

"Ah!" Iruka yelled as Anko landed on his stomach and pinned him to the ground.

"There you are, dearie," Anko grinned wickedly.

Iruka felt a chill run up his spine. "What are you-" he shut up at the malicious glare that Anko sent him. She pried the precious forehead protector out of his hands and whispered in his ear, "Let's go and have some fun..."

"What are you doing-Aah! Hey, that hurt! Let go of me!"

Kakashi stared as Anko abducted Iruka and disappeared faster than lightning into the nearest alleyway...maybe if he followed them, he could-

"What-hey those are my pants! What are you- mmrrfghmmph!"

Okay, maybe not.

* * *

Now, we can all tell that you are hungrily staring at the computer screen; waiting for the answers to various cliff hangers we have planted. If you aren't then SHAME ON YOU! If you are...

...

Then too bad! Ha!

On a slightly more serious note, let us zoom over Konoha...once uppon a time, in a land far, far away...

* * *

**Several seconds/minutes/hours/days/months/years before:**

_**(A.N: Yes, Naruto's getting ass poked so hard, the laws of physics and the fabric of time and space are being raped.)**_

"Aargh! What are you doing?" Iruka cried, his shoulder nearly dislocating as she pulled him away.

Anko grinned wickedly, advancing slowly upon Iruka. Iruka took the same desperate steps that Kakashi Hatake had taken 12 years ago. And it ended the same way. On a stupid, brick wall.

"What do you want me to do?" Anko whispered in his ear, warm breath, on his cheek... tickling him?

"Um...I wouldn't mind if you...let me...go?" Iruka stammered.

And then he felt a breeze across his legs.

...

He looked down at his bare legs and back up at Anko. She smirked at him, and slowly, tauntingly, pulled out a pair of pants and waved them in front of Iruka's face.

Iruka blinked and realised what had happened, "Give- that- back!" he cried out. This was almost as bad with his last encounter with her, involving both of them graduating the Chuunin exams, her being drunk, him wanting to go home, a nearly raped Kakashi and the substitution jutsu. He shuddered in memory.

At least he could claim he was one of the few people that had seen Kakashi unmasked.

Anko giggled maniacally, a sound that made a tiny part of Iruka shrivel up and die. She casually flicked a kunai over his pineapple hair (Shikamaru wasn't the only one to wear this hairstyle. It would have been too troublesome to be original, after all) and sliced his cheek.

He leapt back, but since behind him was a width of 2cm of air and a brick wall, he only really succeeded in hitting his head. And, freaking the poor Iruka out further, Anko lightly licked the blood off him slowly in a creepy, creepy manner.

Iruka cried out, his eyes widening.

Anko was... a vampire?

_**(A.N: Did we mention he has Edward Cullen Mania Phobia?)**_

"AAAAARRRGHHHH!" he screamed in horror ripping his pants from Anko before flashing out of the alley in pure uncontaminated terror, just like the pure uncontaminated yoghurt that you find at the back of a supermarket shelf full of sugar, artificial flavourings, and preservatives, that quite honestly wasn't helping the doctors in the ADDAD (Allergy Development Department of American Doctors).

Mmm, yoghurt.

* * *

Anko blinked. She blinked again. She blinked one more time, going over her actions, and blinked once more. Then it clicked and she ran after him, "Wait! I didn't mean-"

_**(A.N Yes, Anko can read minds. We told you she was Edward Cullen, but you wouldn't listen to us, would you,**_** would you**_**?)**_

* * *

Iruka panted, which was strange since, being a ninja, running 5 metres out of an alleyway shouldn't be so hard. Unfortunately, this happened to be the place at which the Ichiraku Ramen Store was situated, so the crowd surrounding an aforementioned ramen eating contest was blocking off both directions of this certain street. He glanced left, then right, then left, then right again, turning his head so fast he was defying the laws of physics. at this point, the laws of physics got thouroughly pissed off, so he got his friend gravity to glue Iruka's feet to the street.

...

Or maybe that was just us.

"Ah! Can't- move- feet!" Iruka tugged at his feet with first, his legs and then his hands which also glued themselves to the street, so then he looked like some lame (in both ways) Twister Champion Wannabe the Third, which was why some demented Twister fans came out of a lemonade stall, and instead of following usual conventions and chucking tomatoes, they chucked oranges.

Okay fine, we lied. They chucked lemons instead. They were coming out of a lemonade stall, after all. And, ironically enough, Iruka suffered from a deep and eternal fear of...you guessed it...

LEMONS.

_**(A.N: Oh, stop giggling! Not that type of lemons, the type that life throws at you!**_

_**...no, you still got it wrong! The ones that are sour!**_

_**...dammit, not THOSE lemons, those lemons! You know the one that lemonade is squeezed from!**_

_**...no, not Lemon lemons, you people, the type that you eat and suck on!**_

_**...okay fine, I give up.)**_

"AAAAARRRGHHHH!" he screamed again, pulling himself off so hard that he bounced through the crowd so fast that nobody saw him, including (conveniently) Kakashi and Gai. Or maybe it was the acids in the pulped lemons broke down the components of the glue, thus making it less sticky and easier to break free from.

_**(A.N: Kitkat: Where was this made, anyway? *snatches bottle of super glue* China?**_

_**Betty: *shrugs* Since when was glue supposed to be able to stick people onto the ground for more than a minute anyway?**_

_**Kitkat: *waves pocket* But it was made in China! Things made in China practically break if you look at them!**_

_**Betty: ...probably because they used Chinese glue.**__**)**_

He burst out of the crowd faster than light, but slower than Tora (which Konohamaru conveniently failed to catch) which was why Iruka's foot hit the unfortunate cat's back and he fell to the ground and landed on his face, somehow escaping a broken nose and chin that normally comes with it.

The cat hissed at him, then proceeded to sratch and pee on his bare leg.

And if you've ever been scratched and peed on by a cat, you'd know it hurts.

Iruka howled in pain and kicked the cat in frustration and Tora latched onto the fornt of his shirt. He had to practically drag himself now, because for a cat, she sure was heavy. Or maybe NOW gravity was pissed.

Or maybe it was just us again.

Iruka was now running so slow, that it couldn't even be called moving, let alone running. It was a miracle that Anko hadn't caught him yet.

Or was it?

* * *

**Meanwhile:**

Anko forced her leg forward, but it went forward so slowly it may as well be going backwards. It seemed the Laws of Physics was pissed at her too, for some odd reason.

...And why can't she defy the laws of physics? That's right, because she is a kunoichi! And because of this disability, this is why most of them are medic nin and have to be saved by their counterparts, you know, the ones with a dick. But since there were only three males in the the near vicinity, and one was dragging themselves away from her, and the other two were stuffing their faces with ramen, she had to deal with it herslef.

(A.N: And considering the fact that this is practically the amount of respect that kunoichis get in the actual manga, we aren't being sexist at all. Seriously, it pisses us off)

She tried again, pushing her hands in front of her, but she lost balance and fell... kind of. Since gravity was still pissed at her, it took several minutes for Anko to actually hit the floor.

* * *

Meanwhile:

Tsunade watched through her awesome all-seeing Hokage Tower Window, clutching a half empty sake bottle, as Iruka dragged himself across at a snail's pace across the road, dragging a certain cat on his shirt.

"Come see this, Shizune!" Tsunade grabbed Shizune and pointed at Iruka, swaying, "See that? That chuunin sensei is finishing Team 4's D-rank for them! Now that, THAT, " she hiccuped, "THAT is dedication!"

She enthusiastically slammed a fist into the desk in reinforcement. The desk had seen some really bad days...it obviously thought so too, because it swayed on its legs as if even more drunk than its owner.

"Well, Tsunade-sempai, I don't think-" Shizune began, looking worriedly at Iruka, who definitely looked worse for wear.

"And what about you, huh?" Tsunade interrupted, swaying to face her and poking a finger into Shizune's chest, "Lounging around, chatting, checking out random chuunin ninja...you ought to be ashamed of yourself!"

Shizune blinked, "But you asked me-"

"Excuses, excuses!" Tsunade rolled her eyes, disorientating herself, so she slammed into the window and bounced back, tottering, an airy smirk on her face, just like Jackie Chan in The Forbidden City, "You put that window there, didn't you?"

Shizune blinked again, "...Uh-"

"HOW COULD YOU BE SO HORRIBLE TO YOUR OWN HOKAGE!" Tsunade screamed, waving her hands in emphasis. "I COULD HAVE YOU EXECUTED! I COULD HAVE ALL OF YOU EXECUTED! ALL OF YOU, YOU HEAR ME?," she started shouting through the window to the outside through the crack she'd made in said window, "YOU'RE ALL JUST NECKS WAITING FOR ME TO CRACK, YOU HEAR ME? ALL OF-"

With a stately twirl, Tsunade vomited up her lunch in a spectacular fashion and collapsed in her sick, all in the elegant manner that set her apart from all other women. She looked around the room, head rolling, half-choking, half-giggling. "Tick tock, Danny boy, tick tock..."

"Get away from her, Ton-ton Chan," Shizune grabbed the pig, who had crept closer to the pool of sick Tsunade was currently rolling in.

There was a knock on the door, and Hayate crept in, looking from the broken window, to Tsunade on the floor, and to Shizune, holding a squirming pig, "...Isn't it the fourth time this has happened this week?"

Shizune, like the loyal apprentice she was, shot a glare at Hayate. Tsunade peered up at him in an odd fashion before giggling in a creepy, creepy manner. "Hitting on my-" hic, "-apprenish, are you? You're gonna di-ie...when I get my hands on you..." she ended in a sing-song voice.

Shizune blinked as Tsunade started snoring. Hayate blinked, then began almost timidly, "Call a nurse?"

"Maybe a doctor," Shizune allowed, as she grabbed for Ton-ton, who had slipped out of her arms to sniff at Tsunade again.

Hayate sighed, "Want a drink afterward?"

Shizune shrugged in tired agreement/assent, "Thanks."

* * *

**Meanwhile:**

Iruka finally got Tora off his stomach and ran for his life again as Tora began to scratch and pee on everything in sight, namely the unconscious bodies that Kakashi, Sasuke and Sakura had knocked out. For Tora, however, they were merely scratching posts and kitty trays (albeit slightly squishy and warm) for her to use. Now Iruka was, again, forced to take another direction he didn't want to take. He wasn't sure why he didn't want to take it, but there was a sense of foreboding that gave him the feeling he didn't want ot know anyway. But, in the end, if he didn't take it, he'd be in a worse situation.

Of course at this point in time, Anko had to just burst out of the crowd and catch sight of Iruka. And Iruka just somehow immediately noticed. Which meant he had to take the direction that he really didn't want to take, because, well, of course, it was the only way out of there. Excapt for the roofs. And the alleyways. And the sewerage pipes. And the trapdoor beneath his feet that just had to be opened by stamping. But that was why Iruka dear is a sensei.

"Aah!" Iruka yelled, sprinting towards another street he was forced to take, because he was forced.

"Hey, wait! I think you got something messed up!" Anko yelled after him

"Messed up? Who the bloody hell has the right to talk about being messed up, when you're a bloody vampire!" Iruka screamed.

"I'm not a bloody vampire!" Anko screamed back.

"You were bloody sucking my blood!" Iruka howled.

"I wasn't bloody sucking, I was bloody licking!"

"What's the bloody difference?"

_**(A.N: Kitkat: Well, sucking involves a suction created by, usually, one's mouth or a vacuum cleaner to remove, in this case, fluid from a certain area. Licking however, doesn't use a vacuum and instead relies on the power of gravity and saliva from a tongue to pull fluid from a surface.**_

_**Betty: Since when did this become a science class again?"**_

_**Kitkat: Since we explained how the acids of citrus fruits affected the components of Chinese manufactured glue.**_

_**Betty: Ah. That explains a lot)**_

He kept running, directed by certain road blocks conveniently placed on certain roads that would've led to freedom. And Anko followed, wondering why the hell he was ditching perfectly good roads that weren't blocked at all by things such as say...roadblocks and instead going for alleyways that had, say, dead ends.

If Iruka had a shred of sense, he would've realised that the road blocks were made out of substances undiscovered in the Naruto Universe, and shimmered a certain way when the sun hit them, not to mention the fact that genins were paid for construction work, and with their flashy jutsus and crap, they wouldn't have bothered with real roadblocks. But then, if he had a shred of sense, he wouldn't even be in this situation anyway because he would've realised that Anko was in fact, not a vampire, but a creepy ninja assassin, so the entire point was rendered moot either way.

"Agh!" he yelled as he slammed into a wall. A wall?

He spun around and stared at the high walls that lay before him. Another alley?

So he stood there panicking, doing nothing to help the situation, and banging on the wall at the end of the alley, which also did nothing to help the situation. Seriously, he was a chuunin; he ought to have scaled the wall by now. But he was too busy panicking as he imagined Anko the ninja/vampire descending on him. In fact, he was surprised she hadn't 'licked' all the blood out of him already.

(Well...)

* * *

**Meanwhile:**

Anko howled in frustration as her legs began to move like lead again, of course, since it was actually her whole body that moved like lead, it took her several minutes to finish the howl, and even longer to clamp her mouth shut. By this time she was gasping for breath, but since her lungs were also moving like lead, it took several minutes for her to actaully get any air into her lungs, and she was slowly turning blue in the process.

* * *

**Meanwhile:**

As he slammed on the wall again, hands bleeding, he started thinking unmentionable unmanly thoughts of unmentionable manliness, not thinking once of using chakra and scaling the wall like a self respecting ninja, but of begging his god of choice for mercy.

"Well, I'm not a god, but I might do," whispered a voice in his ear.

This was almost too much for the poor Iruka, who jumped several metres into the air. He wasn't sure why he had jumped so high, and how he had jumped so high, and why he didn't just f***ing get out of here if he could jump so high in the first place, but he was too saturated in terror to continue these thoughts further.

"V-vampire!" he trembled, too stupefied to scream.

"I'm not a vampire, dimwit," the whisper was no longer a whisper, but more of a drawl, so the whisper bit was probably pointless, "I'm a hidey hole."

"Agh! Hidey-hole-vampire!" Iruka whimpered.

In a scary move that was either remarkable foresight or telepathy, or perhaps both, the voice responded again, this time with a sigh. "Look, just turn around.'

With a fear induced tremble that reduced his power to argue, or even just disagree, he did what he was told, slowly turning his head around, mouth slightly open in preparation to scream, and stared at the...big, black hole in the wall?, "VAMP-wait, you're not a vampire!"

"Oh my, how astonishing," the black hole stated, "Look, here's the deal. You jump in my mouth, I close my mouth, and I open my mouth whenever the vampire chasing you leaves."

"H-how do you know I was being chased by a vampire?" Iruka stammered.

"One, you were practically peeing in your panties, so it was obvious that you were frightened by whatever was chasing you," said the black hole in a remarkable sign of foresight, mouth curving into a satisfied smirk, "And you obviously though I was a vampire, so I took an educated guess. Besides, it was written all over your brain; _oh no, a vampire's chasing me, oh god of my choice, have mercy_!" he imitated Iruka's thoughts in a squeaky high-pitched voice that Iruka could barely hear.

Iruka blinked, "You can read my- wait, I don't wear panties!" he snapped.

"Sure, whatever you say," the hidey hole rolled its eyes, which was theoretically impossible, because it didn't have eyes, but hidey holes don't let something as pathetic as the Rules of The Universe trample all over them, so it did anyway.

"Look are you coming or not?" the hidey hole snapped as Iruka . Iruka looked around, to the entrance of a alley to a wall with a hole.

_Black-hole, evil black hole that said he wore panties, evil vampire that had trapped and nearly raped him and would probably do that and more if she had the chance, not to mention a scary hairstyle, years his junior, looked like she hadn't seen a hairdryer in years, looked like one of those scary BDSM bondage 'sensei's he'd seen on television-wait, BDSM sensei?_

"Ooh, look, your stalker is here. Doesn't look much like a vampire though-"

"NNAAAARRRGGGHH!" Iruka leapt into the hole as as scary whips and fluffy pink handcuffs danced the polka in his completely untainted mind, and just before the mouth closed, saw Anko pelting towards him at the speed of an elderly snail that made him wonder whether she actually was a vampire or not. But, of course, that thought left his mind so fast he began suffering from mental trauma.

"Whoa, easy there," the hidey-hole snapped, the space around him verberating with sound. However, Iruka was now cradling himself in terror, because while vampires are extremely scary, evil black holes were not much off the mark. This was only further proven when-

Iruka shifted around the tiniest bit and frowned as he felt something squelch underneath his ninja sandal. He reached over to itch an itch, when he felt a foreign object squish beneath his fingers.

"I'm not foreign," said the leech in between his fingers with a damnably cute voice that sounded a bit like a cross between Tweety Bird and several mice certain on helium that sing in the rip-off of Charlotte's Web (which, of course, is not **BABE**.), "I'm in the same metre square as you. That's not foreign. At least, that's what my geography teacher said."

"YAAAAGGH!" Iruka screamed again, leaping back into the darkness, when he felt several things squish onto his backside. This caused him to scream and jump back again and continue in one vicius cycle.

"Oh stop screaming, you wimp," the hidey hole snarled, doing the cool vibration thingy again.

"Stop scre aming?You're full of leeches!" Iruka yelled, to show he could do more than scream.

He then felt himself get bounced up and down with the hidey hole equivalent of a shrug, "So?"

"So? _So?_," he scramed again, "Leeches are vampires! Vampires!" he repeated the last hated word with emphasis.

"Ri-ight," the hole vibrated, "Anyway, sorry, just came back from the Amazon."

"Where's the Amazon?" Iruka yelled, trying to get away from the leeches and therefore scrambling to the edge of the wall, only to have more leeches squish onto his precious uniform, but you couldn't blame him for trying, right?

"You know, the jungle full of leeches and sloths and jaguars, although I didn't expect a wimp like you would go there anyway.

There really is only so much abuse a wimp can take, "I'm not a wimp! I'm a ninja!"

"What's a ninja?" asked the stumped hidey hole.

"Ha-ha! So you don't know everything!" Iruka cried triumphantly, forgetting the leeches altogether, "Everyone who has a name in Konoha is a ninja! So there!"

There was a flash of light as the hidey hole blinked with imaginary eyes, "Konoha? Where's Konoha?"

Iruka blinked as well, his built-in-crossover-sense radar blipping madly, "Wait, what series are you from?" he asked, knocking down the fourth wall in a spectacular manner.

"The Key to Rondo, dumbass."

Iruka blinked again (what _is_ it with anime characters and blinking, anyway?) "Uh, hidey hole?" he asked.

"The name's Pete, ninja wimp," the walls rumbled as he snarled.

"Oh, uh Pete? I think you're in the wrong series." Iruka blinked again

_**(A.N. Kitkat: Iruka has an inbuilt**__** crossover sense radar sense? I thought that was only a myth!**_

_**Betty: Well, if he wants to be an ungrateful bastard...)**_

Then the unimaginable happened. Actually there were two things wrong with that statement. One, considering how many unimaginable things have happened over the course of this fic, it wasn't really so unimaginable after all. And it was actually many unimaginable things that happened, but we're packing it into a great big bundle of unimaginability, complete with airline tickets and pre-booked five star hotel rooms just for your convenience.

Hah! As if.

So, back on topic, Pete began to disappear from the wall from over, under and around him...so Iruka...was trapped..in the wall...

FOREVER.

**The End.**

* * *

...

Ha! You're so gullible!

Actually, Iruka got spat to the other side of the brick wall.

...

Ironically, there was no other side of the brick wall, so in the end Iruka was trapped for alleternity anyway.

**The End.**

* * *

Ha! You're as gullible as ever! There is no such thing as an endless brick wall anyway!

What really happened was that Iruka was spat out of the wall, which, of course, did exist. Funy thing was, on hte other side of the wall was a bath-house.

...

Yes, a bath-house. Too bad he wasn't feeling for a swim.

* * *

...

Ooh, suspenseful much?

Anyway, sorry for the late update, it's just that some people *glares at KitKat* miraculously run out of time as soon as the words post, fanfiction and up appear in the sentence. And if the words one-thousand-years-of-death gets thrown into the mix, well...

Lets just say that any shred of possible time within the foreseeable future is sucked into outerspace as food for the time-continuum.

However, the rest of Iruka's chapter is typed up, so... even if Kitkat never recovers from her time lapse, it should be up.

Hopefully, anyway.

See you in a week! Maybe.


	11. And Of Hot Fudge, Sundae and Mel Gibson

Before you read this chapter, we would like to take the chance to apologise in advance for any offence you may take/will take to the contents in said chapter. We do not mean any offence towards you or your favourite character/s; it's just our style of writing requires thus.

So, yes, this is KitKat. Finally. Apparently, anyway. *eyebrow raise at Betty*

I'm not pissed. Well, maybe I am. But, either way, I'm not going to makeyou 'hear' a paragraph or two of rant. May as well get along with the chapter.

Well, anyway, we were kinda pissed when we wrote this chap and last, so, yeah, Iruka's suffering XD sorry to all the Iruka fanatics out there. Oh, and our apologies to the Iruka/Kakashi shippers/fans too.

So, sorry about the wait, and here's the new chap. Enjoy. Or else.

* * *

**Disclaimer:**

Betty: _-tiredly-_Hello my dear readers; you're just in time for watching KitKatand the spoiler ninja argue. Lucky you came now, they've been doing it for hours.

KitKat: …and because you've beaten us up so many times, we deserve a bloody disclaimer from you!

Spoiler Ninja: Sorry, our services do not extend to disclaimers, no matter how many cookies you offer. Now, if you would just let us beat you up for that cliff-hanger…

KitKat:_ -demonically with dramatic music in background-_ You asked for it! Behold!

KitKat 'n' Betty: _-releases... Edward…Cullen!-_

_-cue fangirl squealing and Darth Vadar music-_

_-Edward Cullen complete with non-existent fangs and golden contacts, not to mention sparkly, hairy chest appears-_

Spoiler Ninja: Agh! Even our awesome author bashingskills can't compete withhis sparkly complexion and colour-coded eyes! Run!

_-and does so-_

Betty: Why do ninjas always dictate their actions?

_-Plot bunny pops into existence-_

Ninjas: _-are too sparkly-fied to move-_

Edward Cullen: Arrgh! No! Fangirls!

Betty: _-sly grin-_ We'll help you if...

KitKat: _-smirk-_ …you do our disclaimer.

Edward: ... I'll take fangirls.

Kitkat: Why do the characters always hate doing disclaimers? Sheesh! It's normally just a sentence...

Betty: …or two...

KitKat: …or three...

Betty: …or a paragraph...

KitKat: …or more...

Betty: But that's aside the point.

KitKat: We'll do something worse to you than fangirls!

Edward: ... somehow, I doubt that.

Betty: _-smirks-_ Do you want to find out?

Edward: ...maybe?

KitKat: Well... we could always write a Twilight High-School Romance + One-piece crossover, complete with Mary-sue and horribly written smut…

Betty: And we could throw in a sugar-and-alcohol induced Jacob Black just for the heck of it…

Edward: …

KitKat 'n' Betty: Behold! -_grabs covering sheet that magically appears in thin air-_

_**Jacob -drum roll-... Black!**_

Jacob: _-giggle-_ ...I'm a vampire chicken!

Edward: _-jaw drop-_

Jacob: ... You smell like a Daniel Radcliffe-flavoured lamp!

Edward: ...

KitKat 'n' Betty: _-grin-_

Jacob: Lamps smell... sexy… _-slow, horny smirk-_

Edward Cullen: _-brave gulp-_ I still-

Betty: Oh, did we mention we haven't given him the sugar yet?

...

(He has delayed reactions. Please wait…)

Edward Cullen: _-SHRIEK-_ **KITKAT 'N' BETTY DO NOT OWN NARUTO OR ANY OTHER OF KISHIMOTO'S KREATIONS!**

KitKat: Or Twilight, or One Piece, or the Key to Rondo, or the Forbidden City, or fangirls, or ninja.

Betty:_ -helpfully-_Oh, and you spelt creations wrong.

Edward: _-glares-_

_-overuse of manga terms ninja whimper-_

_-distant rumble-_

Edward: -_skittishly_- So...what about the fangirls?

Betty: _-yawns-_ Just spray this on your clothes -chucks bottle of cologne-

Edward: _-sniffs and vomits-_

KitKat: Thought so. _-presses button-_

_-tub of cologne tips over Edward Cullen-_

And just in time! _How convenient!_

Fangirls: _-jump into screen-_ Edward Cullen!

KitKat: Oh, that's just James. He's disguised as Edward to lure Bella in.

Fangirls: Edward Cullen?

Betty: Yeah, he's even wearing his cologne.

Fangirls: _-disgustedly- _Edward Cullen!

Betty: However, you see those ninja over there?

KitKat: They're actually Edward Cullen in disguise.

Fangirls: _-squeal-_ Edward Cullen! _–glomps ninja-_

Ninja:_ -run off, screaming their heads off-_

Edward Cullen: -_sighs in relief-_

Asthmatic James Fangirl: _-wheezes-_JJAAAAMEES-AAHH! _–gasps-_

Edward: NNNAAAAARRRRGH! _–runs for Jamaica-_

KitKat 'n' Betty: _-cackle-_

Betty: What is One Piece anyway?

KitKat: No idea. Heard it somewhere on YouTube.

* * *

**Warning: **Abuse of Naruto, Naruto's arse, Naruto's a**h***, Naruto's sanity, Naruto's skin, Naruto's guardian angel, Naruto's emotions, Iruka, IRUKA!, **IRUKA!, **Iruka's sanity, Iruka's personality, Iruka's persona, Iruka's emotions, Iruka's eyes, Iruka's ears, Iruka's head, Iruka's skull, Iruka's brains, Iruka'seye fluid, Iruka's eye-sockets, Iruka'slungs, Iruka's neck, Iruka's body in general, Iruka's dignity and pride, Iruka's workload, Iruka's skin, Iruka's d***, Iruka's intelligence (ha-ha), Iruka's virginity, Anko, Anko's motions, Anko's endeavours, Jirayia's endeavours, Jiraiya himself, Jiraiya's body, Jiraiya's brain cells, Jiraiya's eyeballs and eye-stalks, Jiraiya's reputation, Jiraiya's face, Jiraiya'sears, Jiraiya's stomach, Tsunade, Tsunade's privacy, Tsunade'smind, Tsunade's knuckles, Tsunade's paperwork, Tsunade'ssex (as in gender, you fools!), gender in general, Jacob, Jacob's personality, Jacob's sexuality, Edward Cullen, ...and his sparkly, hairychest...and just about everything else about him, birds, crickets, sonic waves, Pete, mobs of naked women, the fourth wall (which was broken multiple-y and spectacularly, if we do say so ourselves), men (yes, all of you!), women (and...yeah, the rest of you as well.), sarcasm, marble walls, brick walls, puppies, sewerage systems, chicken, manga scenes, supporting beams, bushes, Kishimoto's creations, the first dimenson, the Olympics, China/Beijing, 2008, air, gay children and awkward silences, privacy of several un-named women Tora, Konoha, 's censors, gravity, the speed of sound and light, the fabric of time and space, the time continuum, author's notes,those line thingys, the Laws of Physics, Darwin and our new member of abused persons, please welcome...Possibility. Also sexual references, crude humour, adult content/themes, nudity, violence, frequent coarse language, extreme stupidity, rascism, sexism, mentions of sexuality, rape, death, vampires, Jamaica, a radioactive gazelle, Turkey, Twilight and other things/places that don't exist, and overuse of manga terms, cliches, manga actions, obstacles, random things/celebrities that aren't related to the topic, bolds and italics, those line-thingys, author's notes and the constant changing of time/place. Read at your own risk of body and mind (we had to upgrae our warnings or FF staff would kill more puppies, and that would be sad).

Now enjoy or go to hell.

* * *

**_Where we left off last time..._**

_What really happened was that Iruka was spat out of the wall, which, of course, did exist. Funy thing was, on hte other side of the wall was a bath-house._

_..._

_Yes, a bath-house._

_Too bad he wasn't feeling for a swim._

**

* * *

**

Forward a few hours just for your amusement (or perhaps just ours):

Narutosagged in his place in the air; well, sagged as much as he could while travelling50 trillion miles an hour. It was honestly getting annoyingby now. Flying all around Konoha that is. And his asshole hurt. Badly.

And for the 67th time that day, Naruto thought, _Why me?_

All that he heard in response was wind. Maybe his guardian angel had been sacked or something. Driven away by the devil and was instead getting drunk on sake. He snorted.

Well, all that was left below was-

Naruto blinked again as he spotted cute little genins receiving their precious headbands. He felt a sense of nostalgia as he passed over them, the classrooms...Iruka's office...

Wait, what?

And then suddenly the Laws of Physics were raped once more and he plummeted down towards the classroom, literally catching alight with the gravitational forces and air resistance.

Not again…

* * *

**Back to the present:**

Iruka blinked, blinked again, and blinked some more. Like the innocent chuunin he was, his first reaction was to freeze (well, actually his first reaction was to blink, as was his second and third, so this was actually his fourthreaction). His second (or fifth) reaction was to seize up and shake his head rapidly. It didn't help to stem the sounds that were wafting into his ears like steam.

"What _was_ the sound?" you ask.

Well, actually there were many sounds, but for the poor innocent ears of Iruka, they all jumbled into an incoherent mess.

First and foremost were the sounds of bubbling, splashing, dripping of water, as expected in a bath house.

The second was the undeniably feminine sounds of giggling, laughing, chattingand joking.

This was _**the female side**_ of the _**bath house**_ after all.

…

But, of course, being an inferior one-dimensional character, he didn't know that.

Then the third set of sounds arrived. There was an almost tinkeringsound effect, like the type of sound effects in a movie when someone is either wavinga wand, sparkling like a certain Gary-Stu vampire, or teleporting.

However, unlike in movies, this person was not spectacularly pretty or regal like the fairies and people that normally used teleportation. Far from it, in fact.

"Ha! Finally! A chance to do some- whoa!" The toad sage, master of all seals (except sealing his f-), a student of the Third Hokage, sensei of the Fourth, the most perverted being in the whole universe, writer of the Icha-Icha Make out series, studier of the female anatomy and Konoha's spymaster teleported mysteriously into a women's bathhouse. From the…uh, next chapter.

Well, it was to be expected of him, after all.

"I'm in luck!" Jiraiya crowed his eyes practically out on stalks.

Iruka's eyes twitched.

And instead of thanking his lucky stars like most men would do, the innocent Irukadid the completely reasonable thing; picked himself up and looked for a brick wall. Unfortunately, since this is a bath-house and bath-houses are made of marble, there were no brick walls to be found. Only marble. And if you've ever hit yourself on the head on a marble wall, you'll know what it feels like. For the rest of you, take an educated guess.

Mm-hmm. Graphic.

But, being a ninja and not a fear-filled willy (HA HA…ha.), he decided; well, to do it anyway.

…

So he bashed out his brains and died.

…

…

But remember, in this chapter he's a main character, and main characters don't die no matter how much the Laws of Physics say they should. So, basically, his brains sucked back into his head before anyone could notice and instead of stopping, he bashed his brains out of his head again.

...

Let's see what Jiraiya's up to before Iruka can knock the fluid out of his eye-sockets permanently, shall we?

* * *

Jiraiya completely ignored Irukaand watched a certain fifth Hokagefrom behind a bush, who just happened to be relaxingin her personal hot spring. Of course, this left some readers wonderingwhat a hot springwas doingin bath-house of the presumably non-volcanic regions of Konoha, and what a bush was doingin the middle of a bath-house anyway, but this is a fanfiction, and fanfictions are not meant to make sense, see?

_**(A.N. Readers: Wait, what? Isn't she supposed to be drunk, lying on the floor and giggling at the same time in the next chapter?**_

_**Whoops. Guess we got the time continuum screwed up. **_

_**Time Continuum: That's it! I've had enough of being defied by random people, especially those who've been poked too hard in the rear end!**_

_**Betty: Well, I know a guy, who has a mother, who has a co-worker, who knows a guard, who knows a notorious criminal, who knows Captain Hook, who knows the queen, who knows a certain health minister, who knows a doctor, who knows a paedophile, who knows a fanfic writer, who knows a manga artist, who knows a guy who has a brother who has a psychiatrist.**_

_**Time Continuum: ...you're sending the fourth dimension to a psychiatrist?**_

_**KitKat: Hah, you're so gullible! Kankuro doesn't have a psychiatrist, he has a therapist!**_

_**KitKat 'n' Betty: -cackle- **_

_**Rules of the Universe: Told you they were crazy.**_

_**Laws of Physics: Yeah, try having a sensible conversation with them.**_

_**Time Continuum: ...I think I'll go to bed.**_

_**Kitkat: -in sing-song voice- Sure you don't want to go to the therapist? I've heard he's got good beds.**_

_**Time continuum: ...**_

_**Kitkat: Ha! You're so gullible! Have you ever been to a therapist's office?**_

_**Betty: Because you need to-**_

_**Kitkat: They don't have beds!**_

_**KitKat 'n' Betty: -start laughing maniacally-**_

_**Time Continuum: -screws himself-**_

…

_**KitKat 'n' Betty: …crap.)**_

…

Yeah, let's just see what Iruka's up to.

* * *

Irukalooked back up from bashinghis brains out and at the hot springs with apprehension. Unfortunately, his virgin eyes couldn't take it, and blinded themselves and Irukain the process before his brain could process the offending images.

"Aargh!" he screamed, "I can't see! What happened?"

"Shut it!" snarled Jiraiya. "They're going to catch- oh no-"

Iruka blundered in circles like a headless chicken; ironically, a headless chicken would usually not be moving anyway, since only crazy psychopaths and Guiness World Record losers cut are crazy/stupid enough to cut off a chicken's head, and only to chop it into bits or feed water and food down its now broken neck and hope it survives for a year.

Jiraiya saw his doom coming and desperately tried to grab Iruka before his doom would come within a metre of him...

He ran, forward, faster than sound, but slower than the speed of a headless chicken, before Irukatripped on a carefully placed rock in the middle of the balcony, and flew over the railing in a wide arc before landing with a plop in the middle of the hot springs.

"Oh, are you okay-" began some of the females in the hot spring, rushing towards him.

This would've been Iruka's 'paradise', if he hadn't been blinded and hadn't inhaled copious amount of mineral water, and was currently coughing it all out.

At this point the females in the bath house realised that the person lying weakly on the water was in fact male, which was quite amazing becuse he had long hair and no dick, which usually means the person is a female (no offense to transexuals and hippies). And rushing to the conclusion that any normal person would assume if a guy had just landed in a hot spring, fully clothed, and surrounded by naked women, they began to shriek and hop around, waiting for the inevitable 'angry mob' scene to begin.

Tsunade, withher being-peeped-on radar, was swift enough to leap out of the hot spring, don her Hokage clothes and whirl around and march to the middle of the hot spring (she can water walk because she's a ninja and ninjas can walk on water by directing their energy to their feet and not have the rest of their body break down and fall off, remember?) in a split second, all witha steam cloak surrounding her as a censor (sponsored by FF's automatic censor :D ) .

She grabbed Iruka by the collar of his chuunin uniform, threatening to strangle him.

_Wait...Iruka Umino? ...that couldn't be right...uness.._

**_(A.N: Betty: Quick! Personality Switch no Jutsu! Before the characters can suspect third-dimensional involvement!_**

**_KitKat: -_sigh_-)_**

Iruka looked up blearily, feelingstrangely drunk withthe taste of hot banana and fudge sundae in his mouth.

He coughed, his voice sounding strange, before saying drunkenly, with a fudged-up smirk on his face, "You smell like a Bella Swan flavoured rainbow liquorice lamp."

Tsunade blinked, "What?"

"Bella doesn't like me," Jacob/Iruka whimpered cough_whined_cough, "She's in love with a vampire named Edwanko Mitacullen."

There was the distant sound of chirping crickets. Said crickets realised what they heard and rolled over and died.

"It's so unfair... he keeps on trying to suck her chakraand everything... it's because he's a ninja-vampire isn't it?" Iruka/Jacob burst into unnecessary tears.

"It's so unfair! Just because he's better than me in every way possible doesn't mean she had to hook up with him..."

Tsunade's eye started to twitch. Iruka was drunk...badly.

"And her one year old ninja-vampire-human-daughter keeps on trying to stalk me...people keep on calling me a paedophile and everything...even though it's just an eighteen year age gap..."

By this time, birds were starting to feel the effects of Iruka/Jacob's traumatisingrant and dropped out of the sky and exploded on contact with the ground (The AnimeLaw of Physics: #11 - Law of Inherent Combustibility: Everything explodes. Everything.)

"Give me one reason why I shouldn't punch you into the Mist Country," snarled Tsunade.

"Lamps smell...sexy," said Iruka, successfully managing to show all the signs of bipolar disorder.

It was Jiraiya's turn to look for a brick wall to slam his face in. Unlike in Iruka's case, there was a nice one just in a step's distance. So, Jiraiyadid the completely reasonable thing, and slammed his ugly face into the wall.

…

Unfortunately, Jiraiyahad recently (as in the past few seconds) gained the power of short-sightedness. Also, the wall was actually a crucial supporting beam. Smile. And Jiraiyahad just slammed his face into it withthe power of a Roman battering ram.

…

So, to cut a long story short of non-required drama, slow effects and deep-chested NOOOO!-s, Jiraiya, the supportingbeam, a sewerage system, a cat (guess-who), Mel Gibson and much of the roof collapsed in on itself…and the people beneath.

But remember, these people are one-dimensional anime characters, and one-dimensional animecharacters don't get crushed under 50 tonnes of rubble and brick and steel. In this case, they just pushed the rubble away and did the completely reasonable thingwhen bleedingto death. Nothing.

Brilliant sprays of water that looked like iridescent rainbows that didn't help this situation, nor fit the mood at all, arched through the air in a spectacular display that even the 2008 Olympics would've been proud of. Unfortunately, this was not the Olympics, and Konoha was not China, by any sense of the word.

Tsunadeblinked and glared at the first thing that moved, which was Jiraiya tryingto swallow back his stomach into his…stomach before the camera could move onto him. This just earned him an even bigger glare, from more than one person (yes, I can see you glaring at him, don't you deny it). If you know what I mean.

I said stop giggling.

Jiraiyaliterally withered into a pile of goo and with what brains that still remained in a solidified form, wished he could disappear.

Wish 1: Granted.

Tsunade's eye twitched as, courtesy of Pete, a huge black hole opened and sucked Jiraiya in, leavingmuch of the building gone, and Jiraiya as well.

Tsunade, havingseen it all and more (as well as the fact she was currently recovering from a hangover that should've happened before in the next chapter) merely dismissed it as an earth jutsu gone awry. This, of course, left her withthe question of why a ninja would waste their energy on saving such a toad, since it was no secret that Jiraiyahad no friends (oh, stop giggling), but beingin the current situation, she decided to do the completely reasonable thing and grab Irukaby the neck, lifting him off the floor.

"So," she smiled sweetly, the knuckles in her right hand practically crackling in anticipation, "What shall I do to you?"

There was a brief moment of silence (but still long enough for three gay children to be born and several more crickets and birds to roll over/fall and die/explode.)

And then Irukasaid possibly the smartest and the stupidest thing to say in a situation like this.

"I like paperwork."

Tsunadewas currently decidingwhether punchinghim into the Mist Village or having him slimed withacid by slugs was a more fitting punishment when she heard his statement. Or croak. Whatever. A dangerous smile curved onto her face, "You like paperwork, hm?"

Iruka/Jacob remained silent, a drunken grin stretching from ear to ear like a warped jack-o'-lantern.

"I'll help him with it then," Anko said from the side of the screen; she was gradually recoveringfrom the moving like lead syndrome, so each word only took five seconds, not twenty.

Tsunade gave her a strange look, but nevertheless conceded. If the idiots wanted to do her paperwork, she wasn't going to stop them.

The sound of Anko's voice acted as a verbal form of electroshock therapy, and Iruka was pulled out of his personality switch jutsu.

"NAAARRGGH!" he managed to scream from Tsunade'shold on his neck without turning blue, "The vampire's here to kill-"

"PERVERT!" screamed all the other females in the bathhouse at the same, suddenly appearing from the rubble they should'vedied in (being nameless mooksafter all), drowning out Iruka'svoice, and leaped out at him withthe speed of radioactive gazelles, most of them concealed by nothing but censory steam. If Jiraiya wasn't swallowed by Pete, he would've had a field day.

Irukadidn't need to think (well he couldn't actually think anyway, since half of his brains had failed to return to his head). He belted off at the speed of light away from the bathhouse, still performingmiracle such as running at the speed of light after someone had squeezed the air out of his lungs.

Oh, by the way, running at the speed of light causes severe air resistance. In this case, Irukashould absorb about 14.3 trillion joules of energy. Per second. For the people who haven't caught on, in short, he should burst into flames almost instantaneously and leave deafening sonic waves in his wake that should at least deafen people for approximately a 24-mile radius. For the people who still haven't caught on, he should be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second.

But, being the benevolent authoresses we were, we cut short the Laws of Physics a victim. Again.

Where should I go?, he thought desperately, Where-

And then suddenly he realised. The Academy! Of course! He raced through his reasoning with his awesome ninja satisfaction. It was, of course, a no-brainer to go to the last place your enemy would look, which would be Jamaica. But it got trickier than that. If Ankowas lookingfor him, beinga ninja, would go to the last place he would go, assuming he would go to the last place she'd look. So, therefore, the last place she'd look would be the first place she'd look, and the first place she'd look would be the last place she'd look, so the Academy would be his best bet..

He is a ninja, after all.

Of course, this would be the first place that the naked women would look, being dumb naked women, and Anko, being a ninja, would follow the crowd, but that's why he isn't a jounin.

(It would be much smarter to go the second-last place she'd look/he'd go, which would be Turkey, but that's why he's not an ANBU.)

Unfortunately for him, it was the graduation day for the sad little future ninja. But Iruka wasn't to know that, was he?

He body flashed as far as he could before stopping tiredly.

_No! Must-!_

He saw the females had somehow hurtled forward to where he had appeared, all of them brandishing random umbrellas, paper fans, shopping bags, ugly bits of jewellery and the like racing towards him. He could just see the Academy... his office...

He ran even faster (so fast we decided to give him up to the Laws of Physics, but the Laws of Physics was at a lake cuttingits wrists and crying black mascara, so Iruka escaped unscathed anyway).

He raced past little innocent kids and their parents, not caring about the sonic waves that should've killed them anymore and flung himself into his office, locked the doors and constructed as many traps and chakrawards as he could in the limited time, hopingthey were effective against civilian women and vampires. And then he did the completely reasonable thing to do. He crawled to a corner, assumed a fetal position and hid in the shadow of his desk.

He heard withapprehension, when a hoard headed towards the door. And then he heard it withsatisfaction. Screams as a stringof explosive tags went off withloud sizzling bangs. Sounds of kunai crashing. Commotion. Chaos. Flashes of bright light from behind the padlocked, booby-trapped door. If there was one reason why he had made chuunin, it was his traps.

And then silence.

He waited for several moments.

He was SAFE! He was safe! Yes!

He waited several more minutes.

Then he heard a knock on the door, "Hello? Anybody there?"

Oh no, an evil stupid raging naked girls complete with censory steam!

Heart pounding with panic, he broke every single rule in the chuunin hand book when he mumbled, "No."

There was a non-plussed silence at the door, "Then who spoke?"

Iruka blinked; maybe it did work!, "No-one."

"But you said 'no-one'," the voice came back, but with a ring of uncertainty. The ring of uncertainty rolled onto the floor with a ring of uncertainty, which rang with another ring of uncertainty, which…well, you can guess.

"You're hallucinating," Iruka called back hopefully.

"Oh," was the reply. There was a silence, then the sound of a mob running away.

YES!

Then he heard another knock on the door.

_NOO! The vampire was here!_

"Aargh! Vampire!" he screamed again.

"I'm not a vampire. I've come to give you Tsunade's paperwork, you forgot it on your rush to escape the stampede, you asshole," was the annoyed reply.

"Why should I believe you?" Iruka screamed back.

"I'll come in and show you myself then," it was then he noticed that every single trap put on his door was used up by the hoards of females.

"No! Don't!" he screamed, while Anko easily ripped the doors of his hinges. She stepped in the room, carrying a stack of papers in her hands, which she placed on top of the desk Irukawas huddling underneath.

"Oh, look, you're still not wearing pants," she said witha smirk, advancing upon him. Irukaswiftly retreated from beneath the desk and carefully inched his way towards the door when Anko pinned him, just like she had pinned Kakashi all those years ago.

_Please!,_ he begged in his head to any god out there, _I don't know what I've done, but I'm sorry! Please! Have mercy!_

_**(A.N: Betty: One last chance then?**_

_**KitKat: Fine **_**-grumbles-**_**) **_

And his salvation came.

"!"

And then a fox ninja was plummeting, crashingthrough the roof, his orange clothes literally aflame, so he looked like some mad, streaking comet that hadn't been completely destroyed by the ozone layer. Naruto landed on the paperwork and through the table like a knife through butter- wait, Tsunade's paperwork? The paperwork which he was supposed to do?

Quashing his anger, he substituted with Naruto as fast as he freaking could.

Anko leaned forward, when her lips met…wall?

Oh for bloody sake, not again! She opened her eyes, and saw Naruto. On fire. Eyes wide open. And looking damn frightened.

Iruka, in the meanwhile, was desperately stampingout the flames, wishing that he knew some goddamned water jutsu, but of course, being a chuunin and not Zabuza, he didn't. He couldn't deal with this, not now. Tsunade was going to kill him!

Naruto stumbled forward, burnt, and landed on his face again. And when he looked up, it was not a happy sight.

Both Iruka and Ankowere toweringover him, expressions of fury on their faces. Oh no...

"One Thousand Years of Death!" And then he was flying, out of the same hole that he had crashed into, out, miraculously still on fire, and not knowing what the bloody hell he'd done wrong this time.

Then Irukarealised he was touchingthe evil vampire queen herself and flopped uselessly on the floor, blubberingand crying. Then he stopped. No more wimp-iness. No more beingafraid. He was goingto face his fear like a good character doing a personality heel-face-turn, and besides, he was doomed either way, so he decided he may as well have a dick for the first time.

"Kill me now!" he told Anko, "I've had enough of this world!"

And then, just when he was about to plunge into his dramatic speech that he had prepared for precisely this moment, Ankogave a snorting reply, "Sheesh, haven't I told you already that I'm NOT a vampire?"

Irukafroze. Three birds flew past the window and died from the sheer disappointment and disbelief that was practically radiatinglike a poisonous cloud from the door. Several gay children were born in the awkward silence.

…and the silence continued.

One the one hand, he wasn't going to be killed. On the other hand... he had gone all this way for nothing? Nothing at all? At all?

He opened both eyes, which he had squeezed shut. Ankowas grinningat him in a predatory manner, but Irukawas so relieved he didn't notice at all, "Well," he said, relaxing, "I guess-"

He was cut off. With a deep, scarily passionate kiss. And right now, he was too weak, too frightened, and a little too happy to properly resist.

…

Yeah.

Later, academy students would swear that Irukahad come to class late, witha red smear across his forehead protector, wearing a longtan trench coat, not much else, complete withsteam risingfrom his hair and an office on fire. And even thousands of years later, there would be stories of an academy teacher being chased by hordes of lustful women.

* * *

And that's it for now. Konohomaru next! Thank you for reading, and please review!

See you next week! Maybe.


	12. Mission Impossible

So, it's Betty again, assuming Kitkat doesn't miraculously post it up before I do...

Yeah. The chapter does happen to be several weeks late, for which I apologise, but with the holidays, tests, assessments, teachers, reports and an evil co-writer, life hasn't exactly been accommodating.

Now onto the disclaimer & warning...

Disclaimer:

Betty: -looks up from clipboard- Ebisu? Would you like to do the disclaimer?

-chirping of crickets-

KitKat: -sigh- Konohamaru? Moegi? Udon?

-chirping of crickets-

Both: ...

Crickets: Can we do the disclaimer? You know, what with all of us dying in the last chapter?

Betty: ...you can talk?

Crickets: Well, now we can. Just like you fill up plot holes with Author's Notes and convenient deus-ex-machinas, shatter the third and fourth walls, destroy the willing suspension of disbelief and defy every law in the universe.

Both: ...

Crickets: ... Betty and Kitkat don't own Naruto. Or filler arcs.

Both: -blink as crickets poof away- Maybe I do need to visit a psychiatrist...

**Warning**: Abuse of Naruto, Naruto's chakra system, Naruto's arse, Naruto's optimism, the Demon Fox, Konohamaru, Konohamaru's eyes, Konohamaru's clothes, Konohamaru's ninja potential, Moegi, Moegi's eyes, Moegi's eardrums, Udon, Udon's eyes, Udon's eardrums, Ebisu, Ebisu's nose, Ebisu's shades, Ebisu's dealing-with-whatever-life-throws-at-him quota, Jiraiya, Jiraiya's fist, his Icha Icha manuscript, Tsunade, Tsunade's desk, Tsunade's happy bubble, Tsunade's... experiences, Ninja Postmen, their swimming skills, Shizune, Hayate, elderly ladies, cheese-flavoured prawns, lamps, Daniel Radcliffe, rainforests, peace treaties, Orochimaru's... experiences, maps, forests, rivers, sewage, the awesome-ness of the Rasengan, evil brown whirlpools, boats, teleporting bathouses, honesty, selective memory, gravity, the speed of sound and light, the fabric of time and space, the time continuum, author's notes, those line thingys, the Laws of Physics, Chance/Possibility. Also sexual references, stupidity, common non-sense, and exaggeration. Read at the risk of your body and mind. This is a parody of a filler arc, after all.

Now enjoy or go to hell.

* * *

**_Where we left off last time:_**

_One the one hand, he wasn't going to be killed. On the other hand... he had gone all this way for nothing? Nothing at all? At all?_

_He opened both eyes, which he had squeezed shut. Anko was grinning at him in a predatory manner, but Iruka was so relieved he didn't notice at all, "Well," he said, relaxing, "I guess-"_

_He was cut off. With a deep, scarily passionate kiss. And right now, he was too weak, too frightened, and a little too happy to properly resist._

_…_

_Yeah._

_Later, academy students would swear that Iruka had come to class late, with a red smear across his forehead protector, wearing a long tan trench coat, not much else, complete with steam risingfrom his hair and an office on fire. And even thousands of years later, there would be stories of an academy teacher being chased by hordes of lustful women._

* * *

Tsunade sighed exasperatedly as a bedraggled Konohamaru, Moegi and Udon appeared scowling in her office. Their sensei, Ebisu, adjusted his shades behind them.

"Why can't we move to a C-ranked mission?" demanded Konohamaru. "I've had enough of catching the cat from hell!" Tsunade pinched the bridge of her nose in suppressed annoyance and growled.

"Look," she attempted to speak in a reasonably gentle manner, these were pathetic little genin she was dealing with, after all. "Perhaps you should, uh, wait until you've actually successfully completed a D-rank?"

Inwardly, she wondered who the hell had the bright idea to make Konohamaru let alone his team ninja. They had failed; EVERY SINGLE FREAKIN D RANK they had been assigned around here!

Hell, they couldn't even send a pantry dish to an oldwoman_ahem_elderly lady without taking a detour and ending up in an accident that involved lamps, Daniel Radcliffe, and lots of cheese-flavoured prawns. One would think that after a month, they would have at least learnt from their mistakes and... improved... or something...

Goddammit, she needed more sake!

Her little reverie of downing as many bottles as she could before passing out was shattered by Moegi's voice. "We must have completed something we were assigned!" she called desperately. Now even Moegi was asking for a C-rank? They must have been desperate. Now, if only they would actually successfully complete a D-rank...

Suddenly remembering what situation she was stuck in, she slammed her head on the expensive redwood that wasn't helping the cause of endangered rainforests and deforestation.

A sound of skull meeting wood made everyone wince.

"Rrrmfpmrphts," she muttered into the desk.

"Uh..." prompted Udon. Ebisu adjusted his shades... again. Tsunade lifted her head an inch.

"Shizune! Mission Reports for Team 4!" The floor rumbled as Team 4 just managed to keep on their feet.

Everybody winced. Shizune peeked around the corner and glared at Tsunade, before emitting a random giggle, her expression complacent. She smelled faintly of sake. Tsunade slammed her head onto the desk again.

"MISSION REPORTS," Tsunade said slowly, enunciating every syllable. Udon wondered why Hayate was in the opposite room, sprawled and drunk looking. His thoughts wandering into dangerous, unfamiliar territory, he dismissed that thought.

Shizune hiccupped and giggled before waltzing out of the room. "Idiots," Tsunade snarled under her breath. Shizune waltzed into the room again, clutching a stack of papers, sighing happily as she dumped the pile into Tsunade's hands. Tsunade sighed, again, "Team 4, page 128," she muttered, the figures practically burnt into her head. She flipped over. Time froze, as it does the instant before something particularly traumatising or horrible was about to happen.

Konohamaru and Udon fainted. Moegi's eyes widened, and the only movement she made were the twitches of her limbs and one eye. A thin stream of blood made its way down Ebisu's face.

...

"JIRAIYA!" Tsunade hollered.

Several minutes later.

Jiraiya strode into the room, his face despairing. "The first half of my book is gone! All the fans of my series are begging for a sequel! Do you know what that means?"

Tsunade glared at him, the shut-up-before-I-kill-you glare that she had employed on him many occasions before, the special one which promised a quick one-way trip to the hospital. Jiriaya railed against the unfairness of that. All he'd been doing was peeping... in the hotsprings... where Tsunade just happened to be, right?

...

His gaze fell on the stack of papers on Tsunade's desk.

Oh.

"Thank goodness for..." he trailed off at her in sane, burning eyes.

"Why does that vile –_censored_- in your book happen to look like you've attempted to sketch me? I certainly don't remember posing for you. Maybe you took those notes on your research expeditions, hm?"

In a fit of wisdom, Jiraiya kept his mouth shut.

"So, do you happen to know where my mission folder is?" Tsunade felt a throbbing headache built of rage creep over her skull. Jiraiya shrugged. Ebisu pinched his nose, presumably to stem his nosebleed.

A fit of drunken giggles erupted from the room opposite.

"That's it!" Tsunade exploded insanely, her mouth frothing at the edges. "I'll give you a goddamn A-rank!," she cackled horrifically, making al, the characters wonder how two fanfiction writers to be so cruel to make Tsunade such a horrific person, "And Shizune, GET ME THE MISSION RECORDS!"

"Really?' Konohamaru asked as he revived himself and Udon, his innocent-ish young mind entering a phase of selective remembrance and completely forgetting the past few moments.

Tsunade gave another of her dangerous smiles, the one she had given Shikamaru three days earlier. It was the one that promised death... or something close to death and probably eighteen times worse.

"As a matter of fact, this mission has an estimated extremely high death rate and the fate of two nations hangs in the balance," she paused dramatically. Konohamaru was practically drooling at the prospect of receiving such an important mission.

"Deliver the peace treaty document to the Land of Claw from Bear. We accepted this mission because if they did decide to start the war, we would be caught in the crossfire. In fact, as we speak, Earth might attempt to wrest it from us in hopes of weakening the Land of Fire.

"But Hokage-" Ebisu attempted. Tsunade glared at him, daring him to contradict her.

"If you fail this mission, you will no longer be ninjas of Konoha. You might want to take up writing porn." She glared at Jiraiya. "Or prostitution."

"But everybody in this god-forsaken village are ninjas!" exclaimed Ebisu. "Even PROSTITUTES and PORN WRITERS are ninja!"

"And if you turn down this mission," Tsunade finished, ignoring Ebisu. "You also fail. Shizune, put the peace treaty in a secure envelope. You wouldn't want it to get wet now, would you?"

Unfortunately for her, the threat in her tone was completely ruined by you guessed it, more giggles from the opposite room. Tsunade was getting peeved. "SHIZUNE!"

She finally came out of the opposite room, humming a song that sounded curiously like a warped, Japanese version of, 'Don't Cha' before stuffing the nearest stack of sheets into the envelope. Konohamaru and Udon stared at the envelope with metaphorical dollar signs in their eyes.

"Well, get going now," said Tsunade sweetly. Konohamaru, Moegi, Udon, and Ebisu filed out of the room, with the genins enthusiastic and their sensei subdued. Tsunade was about to sigh in satisfaction and swing her feet up onto the desk when she realised that Jiraiya was still there.

Her happy bubble popped, she chucked the remaining pile of sheets at Jiraiya. "Take your trash and go." she snapped. He was about to argue that it wasn't trash, it was THE bestseller of the past century, complete with raving reviews and hundreds, no, millions of fans, when the witch spoke again.

"I'll land you in hospital," she warned before all courage left Jiraiya and he fled.

* * *

Ad-Break for Cheerios!

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* * *

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A few hours later:

"Yes! An A-rank!" Konohamaru cried out, dancing around in joy. "They're finally realising our ninja potential!"

"Uh," attempted Udon. "I think-"

"Of course they are," snarled Ebisu, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"See? Even Ebisu-sensei says so!"

Ebisu adjusted his glasses in annoyance. Udon stopped trying to speak.

"Think, Konohamaru, think! Why would the Hokage issue us an A-rank mission if this team had failed all the D-ranks assigned?"

"Because they realise our ninja potential, duh!" called Konohamaru, unphased, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

"And why would the Hokage threaten firing us if we failed?" asked Ebisu testily.

"To motivate us?" put in Moegi tentatively.

"No!" roared Ebisu uncharacteristically. "It's to get rid of us! Didn't you hear what she said? Earth Ninjas are after the damn scroll! How do you think we'll survive to fail this mission?"

"I'll just seduce them with my harem no jutsu!" Dull silence. "What?" Konohamaru asked.

"Why don't we just give it to a postman?" Udon put in his two cents. Moegi frowned.

"What makes you say that?" at her question Udon merely pointed silently at a man with a full body suit, postman cap, and red goggles. As if on cue, the postman turned.

"Hello, my name is 14916-2536-4964- 81100. Do you require the services of a ninja postman?" said person robotically supplied. Konohamaru's head was spinning.

"...So...um...14916-2536-4964-81100, can you deliver this to the land of Claw?" asked Moegi in a sweet voice.

"How do you remember that?" hissed Konohamaru. Moegi shrugged.

"Here's the pay 14916-2536-4964-81100," sniffed Udon, fishing in his pockets for some tissues.

"Thank you 14916-2536-4964-81100," droned Ebisu.

"Uh yeah, thanks," Konohamaru said, only to be nudged sharply by Ebisu. He sighed. "Err, 14916-2536-4964-81102."

"Zero," snapped the postman. "Goodbye." And with that, he sped off, leaving naught but a cloud of dust in his wake. They blinked.

"So," said Moegi, if only to fill in the silence. "I guess that means our first A-rank mission was a success."

"I guess so," said Udon.

"Well, that means I'm on track to be the next Hokage after Naruto!" cried Konohamaru. "Believe it!" Yet, despite his words, Konohamaru felt a little... strange. Weren't A-rank missions supposed to be exciting, dangerous? Surely it couldn't be... that easy...

Would it?

Dismissing his thoughts, he promptly put on another smile. Now wasn't the time to think like that! He had just completed his first A-rank mission, without even blowing a sweat! Man, he was good. He ought to be celebrating! "Now that's taken care of, we can go eat ramen!" proclaimed Konohamaru happily.

He really shouldn't have celebrated that early.

They were on their way to the stall when they saw the most unlikely sight they would see for several hours. Jiraiya the Toad sannin was weeping over a bowl of ramen.

"Jiraiya?" asked Ebisu tiredly. His attempting-to-deal-with-whatever-life-threw-at-him quota was full. To the brim. "What is it now? Tsunade rejected you again?"

"Don't be silly," snapped Jiraiya, his tears suddenly stopping with astonishing speed. As soon as that statement left his lips, however, he started blubbering again. "My best selling manuscript is gone! Gone, I say!"

He ended with a dramatic pause. When this didn't return with sympathetic pats and statements, he threw himself back to his ramen with a dramatised pout.

"Did Tsunade throw it out?" asked Ebisu unsympathetically. "Oh, well."

"What do you mean, oh well?" Jiraiya cried. "Tsunade replaced it with a mess of gibberish!"

"Gibberish?" asked Moegi tentatively, taking a seat beside Jiraiya and looking through his stack of papers. "Let's see... peace, blah, trade to North and South, blah, border secured in the centre of the forest, etc, alliances, political stuffs, blah, removal of stolen kekkei genkai..." She looked up. Her teammates, emboldened, had also taken seats at the tabletop. "A peace treaty, in other words." She frowned. "How would you even mix your manuscript with a peace treaty? In fact, how on earth did you even got a peace treaty anyways?"

She paused, thinking...and fumbled. The stack of sheets fell to the ground with a thud. Team 4 looked at each other, back at Jiraiya, and then at each other again. "Peace treaty?" whispered Team 4 in unison. "We failed this mission. Tsunade's gonna kill us..."

* * *

Ad-Break for Parachuting!

* * *

"What the hell?" cried Jiraiya. "You're worrying about the fate of two countries and Konoha itself while my erotic fiction is at stake?" They decided to wisely not waste anymore brain cells by slamming their heads on the counter and simply dismissed his previous comment as drunk ramblings.

"Tsunade threatened to fire us as ninjas. And we're going to get caught in the crossfire of a war between nations and now Earth is probably going to use this opportunity to attack!" burst out Ebisu.

"Fine, fine," muttered Jiraiya under his breath. Then a pause. "How are we going to get it back? Ninja Postmen aren't ninja postmen for nothing. I mean, they only are the fiercest, most dedicated, on time people around."

"Do you think they'll give it back to us if we ask?" said Udon, sniffing again.

"You mean if we manage to track them down, make sure they have no way of signalling other ninja postmen, manage to find the right one and say their names properly?"

"Is that a no?"

"Yes."

"So they'll give it back?" asked Konohamaru hopefully.

"No."

"Oh."

"We'll take it by force!" proclaimed Jiraiya. "I haven't had any action in months! Not since that snake-bastard, and Tsunade got all the action, anyway." Ebisu was looking more and more shocked, staring at Jiraiya with an open-mouthed look of horror. "Not that type of action, idiot!" snarled Jiraiya. The genins almost innocent minds struggled to comprehend the last sentence.

"Anyway," said Jiraiya. "What are we waiting for? We only have two small nations, the land of Fire, my p- uh, erotic fiction to rescue." They blinked at each other. "Let's go!"

* * *

Ad-Break for the same show!

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Several Hours later:

"No sign of ninja postmen anywhere!" cried out Konohamaru hopelessly. "We've been searching for hours!"

"Shut up brat! We're saving my p- uh, the land of fire, no matter what we do!"

"Okay, Toad Sage," said the genin in a subdued manner, trudging, heads down."

"Jiraiya-" began Ebisu. Jiraiya simply reached for the toad summoning contract on his back in a menacing manner. Remembering his last encounter with Jiraiya and his ugly toads, Ebisu wisely kept his mouth shut.

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Ad-Break for Certain Death! of Roaches!

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More hours later:

"Okay, that's it, I'm giving up," muttered Konohamaru. "If all ninja do is chase after impossible-to-find postmen, then I don't want to be a ninja anymore."

"What of your rival, Naruto?"asked Ebisu. Konohamaru shrugged.

"He can be Hokage. I q-"

Everyone gasped to hide the sound of the word "quit", because in the ninja world, the word "quit" is considered as vulgar as the word "c***" in our world.

"Why don't we just go to the castle where the daimyo of the Land of Claw is?" asked Udon. "He's going there right? We can intercept it once they're there." Everyone looked at him in surprise.

"If it gets my erotic fiction back," grumbled Jiraiya. Moegi nodded. Ebisu adjusted his glasses in approval. Konohamaru shrugged.

Moegi sighed and unrolled a map. Konohamaru grabbed it. After twisting it this way and that, he frowned.

"Well?" demanded Jiriaya.

"I can't read maps," Konohamaru confessed. Moegi grabbed it.

"Claw is here," she said, pointing towards somewhere at the top of the map. "And we're... here." She pointed at a spot a hands width down. "And in between is virtually uncharted, untamed forest."

...

"We have to wade through thirty kilometres worth of jungle?" Konohamaru yelled.

"No, wait." Jiraiya pointed a meaty finger at where they were. "We've got a river that runs straight through Claw and out! We could get there in no time! It'd never go wrong!"

(A.N. Poor unfortunate souls...)

"Uh, Jiriaya," began Ebisu. He was about to point out that contour lines suspiciously close to each other indicated a drop of over 10,000 metres, one a centimetre below them and another just before the entrance of Claw. But you see, advice is never taken until it's too late, and this time was no exception.

"That's genius!" cried out Konohamaru, drowning Ebisu out, who flicked his shades in annoyance. "We'll show that Tsuna-bastard!"

...

"Don't you mean bitch?" Moegi's voice had grown softer and softer as she uttered that sentence. It didn't stop Jiraiya, though.

"Yeah!" he shouted enthusiastically. That didn't help the silence, which now grew incriminating.

"Shouldn't we hire a boat?" asked Udon at last.

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Ad-Break for Advertising Ad-Breaks!

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An hour later:

"Yes, we're at the river, lets go!" cried Jiraiya, about to spring onto the rushing waters.

Udon sneezed upon the rushing river, and said carefully, "Is it just me, or is the river flowing the wrong way?" Moegi stared at the map.

"If we follow the curve of the river..." she murmured, as if to herself. She paled. "We end up in freshly made uncomposted compost from the butt of Claw. "

"Ew," Udon said unecessarily.

"I didn't know that sewage had to be composted," Konohamaru remarked. Ebisu slapped his face, seeing as there were no brick walls or flat surfaces around. His glasses crunched under his hand.

Udon tried desperately to remain sane and useful, carefully hefting the boat towards the bank... when he noticed something. The river was brown!

"Iruka said that the river flowed away from Claw, he didn't mention that Claw had a non-existent plumbing system!"

Jiraiya sighed. "Look, if it helps, just imagine it as water coloured with brown food dye." Udon finally set the boat upon the apparently brown food-coloured river and began drifting down.

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Ad-Break for Reviews! GIVE REVIEWS OR DIE!

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Ten minutes later:

"I think we're going in the wrong direction," said Konohamaru, squinting at the surroundings.

"You've said that a million times, brat," snarled Jiraiya.

"But we're going backwards!"

"Your teammate was dumb enough to put the boat in the wrong way, so what?"

"Uh...if you guys wanna know, I think there's a waterfall behind us. Going down," put in Moegi.

"A waterfall?" asked the remaining members of Team Four together, all of them turning around to look. Moegi was right.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaah!" they all screamed like girls, which was quite ironic, because the only one not screaming was Moegi, and she would have been the first to fall anyway.

"Paddle!" roared Ebisu.

"I'm not putting my hands in that!" called Team 4 in unison.

Luckily, their salvation came in the form of Jiraiya's brainwave. "Rasengan!" he roared, plunging said jutsu into the river. Brown water splashed all over them, even as they raced away from the terrifying drop.

"Eew," Moegi complained.

"That was an awesome jutsu!" cried Konohamaru, ignoring the fact that he was dripping wet and covered in brown, mushy, sludge.

Jiraiya smirked, and plunged said jutsu into the water again with a cry of "Rasengan!"

And again...

And again...

And again.

By the twenty-eighth time, even Konohamaru was becoming mildly annoyed.

"Rasengan!"

Oh boy. They were in for a long day.

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Ad-Break for an Unecessary Recap of What Just Happened!

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An hour later:

"Is that what I think it is?" asked Udon, shocked, pointing at a single floating spot in the middle of a river. "Someone's swimming in the river?"

They stared. Up closer, the man still wore his goggles and cap; the rest of his uniform was gone though, and replaced with a red and white striped swimming costume and armed with a board.

"Oh god, it's the postman!" cried out Konohamaru.

"We'll catch up to him!" Jiraiya exclaimed, and doubled, tripled, quadrupled his speed.

Slowly but surely, they caught up to the ninja postman, who was using uh, high speed swimming techniques to propel himself and his board forward.

"Um, excuse me," called Moegi to the ninja postman. "We- uh, kind of gave the wrong package to you. Can you please return it?" The postman merely upped his swimming pace to the speed of sound. Jiraiya retaliated by increasing his speed to ten times per second.

(A.N. Try saying 'Rasengan' ten times per second. Go on. I dare you.)

"Please!" called Udon. "If you don't listen and give it to us, then a Shinobi war might break out!" Still no response.

"We sent it to the wrong postman!" shouted Konohamaru. Finally, whether out of luck, fate, or Konohamaru's alleged genius, this seemed to catch the postman's attention.

"Who did you wish to send it to instead?" asked the postman, his legs still moving at super sonic speed. Konohamaru seemed to forget that he was trying to get the document away from the postman, and frowned.

"Uh... I think his name was..." Ebisu, being the understanding and caring teacher he was, noticed what Konohamaru was doing; and thus shaking his head. "...wait... ah! 14916-2536-4964-81100." Said Konohamaru triumphantly. Ebisu face palmed, and the frames of his glasses, with their already smashed lenses, bent beyond recognition, somehow not permanently damaging his eyes.

"The time you got his number right just had to be now, didn't it?" Jiraiya snarled and his breath, as all the remaining people on the boat glared at Konohamaru... except himself, because, since he didn't possess the Rinnegan or Byakugan, would be atomically impossible.

The postman gave a cheery smile and waved, still somehow managing to paddle of the speed of light at the same time.

"Ah, but you see, I am 14916-2536-4964-81100," said the postman. "Whatever package you sent, you must have sent it to the right person. Or, maybe you sent it to the wrong postman and he gave it to me. Not to worry, your precious document is safe with me."

So saying the postman somehow board-leapt right over a patch in the tributary that looked thicker, darker, browner and more sewage-y than the rest of the river (which, mind you, was saying something) and sped on. Team 4, Ebisu, and Jiraiya weren't quite as lucky or intelligent, however.

"We're stuck!" cried Konohamaru. Jiraiya tirelessly plunged the Rasengan into the brown, compacted, sewage-y and whoever knows what else. There was a horrible squelching noise, combined with the sound of a plunger being pulled from a sink. And then, like a gross, brown whirlpool, the brown muck began to suck them in.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" they all screamed. "Jiraiya! Stop!" Jiraiya suddenly realised what was happening and attempted to pull his Rasengan out of the water (though it probably was mostly filth, but what the hell). It didn't work. It was too late.

And now, like the evil people we are, we'll leave you with that suspenseful little cliff hanger and see what Naruto's up to...

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Ad-Breaks for Naruto Card Games!

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**Meanwhile:**

"Why? Why?" he sobbed against the wind, in an uncharacteristically Naruto-like way. Like the totally, utterly normal being he was, he wondered morosely where his optimism had gone. Because that was TOTALLY what a normal person would do while suspended in the clouds.

(A.N. Kitkat: Do you think we pushed him a little too far?

Betty: What are you talking about? This is priceless!)

His answer, although it wasn't really an answer, but it was the only thing he would get at this point, was the distinct sound of someone crunching on bones. Naruto frowned. What?

He suddenly felt his vision tunnel itself, kind of like when you've been at the computer all night fuelled only with coffee and marshmallows. He felt the sensation of air whipping past his sides as though he was actually floating in a tunnel, and it went black, except not black, because there was an eerie blue glow, kind of like chakra-

(A.N. Yeah, he was really coherent right now.)

And then he was twisting around odd bends that didn't quite make sense. He couldn't smell anything, but right now, the scent that filled his nose, if it was a scent at all, would be the smell of power, one reminiscent of gushing water, except water didn't smell.

As he slid deeper into the tunnel, the wind that whipped at his face grew dry and parched and there was heat, boiling fiery heat, which should have been painful and crisped his skin like roast chicken, or at least fried him into the nether world. It did neither. The tunnel looked cracked here, as jagged red and orange and black... (Well, flaming bubbles was really the best way to describe it) poured out seeping and flowing around the tunnel to run underneath the blue glow.

It suddenly occurred to him. It kind of reminded him of a warped chakra system. Wait, chakra system? He was inside his own-

Suddenly he arrived at, what, the last time he visited, was a dark, dripping room. Today, it couldn't have been more different. The room was glowing red. The cage bars that held the Kyuubi were glowing a brilliant gold, and the Kyuubi was roaring and clawing at said gold bars. Each strike he made set off bright red spurts of flame, and chakra was literally flaming and bubbling off his skin, filling the whole room and escaping into the tunnels.

The Kyuubi roared again, throwing itself at the gold bars, which remained stiff and unyielding. Finally he spotted Naruto. His huge eyes narrowed, and he bared a jaw full of dagger-like teeth.

"Come closer, brat." Naruto felt himself walking forwards, even as he struggled to stop. "Closer..." the Kyuubi crooned, making Naruto shudder in terror. When he was so close to the bars that he could have reached out and touched it with a hand, the Kyubi uttered, "Now you see that seal, brat? Go on... reach out and take it off."

Naruto blinked, "Why should I? That would release you from my body and then you would be free to destroy everything, rendering my father's life and several filler chapters pointless, and also convenietly killing me too."

"NAAAARGGGGHHHHH! FOILED AAGIN!11" The Kyuubi suddenly lunged at him, screaming like an enraged illiterate fangirl.

Naruto just stared as the Kyuubi raged.

"How...I...would...like...to...kill...you...puny..." the Kyuubi snarled, striking the bars with every syllable, sending flaming sparks into the air. Naruto wondered what in the world had caused Kyuubi to become... well, even more homicidal than normal.

"You want to know?" snarled the Kyuubi, as though he was reading Naruto's thoughts. Oh wait. He was. "YOU WANT TO KNOW?" he continued in a terrifying, rumbling voice.

Naruto blinked and shrugged. "Sure." Before the Kyuubi could start a rant that would have deafened him, Naruto suddenly caught sight of a pile of bones. How in the world would the Kyuubi get those? Images flooded Naruto's mind of the violent and bloody sort. He shuddered again. Actually, never mind.

But the Kyuubi pounced on that question. "I ate your optimism." Naruto frowned.

"Come again?"

"I ate your optimism."

...

"But... but that's not even possible!" Naruto said in confusion.

"Who are you to say?" asked the Kyuubi, feeling strangely generous and Obi-Wan-like.

In a rare flash of heretofore philosophical insight, Naruto said slowly, "But optimism isn't solid."

The Kyuubi, unfortunately, was not in a particularly philosophical mood. "Do I look solid to you?" Naruto opened his mouth. "Actually, never mind," growled the Nine-tails. "The point is, I'm on a celestial plane of existence, similar to your other selves." He spat sparks onto the cage floor. "Besides, your optimistic self can always put themselves back together."

"...you ate my optimism."

The fox's huge, mountain sized nose twitched in irritation. "Hello, how did you expect me to get any feed, you rat's hairball?"

Naruto frowned. This was too much for him to comprehend. "You ate my optimism... because you were hungry."

"Well, normally I feed off the leftovers from your pathetic other selves, but you just had to drink milk out of date by who knows how long!" Naruto fell back. "Just because I'm a demon, you think that I have inexhaustible chakra and energy don't you? Don't think I actually have to feed, do you? Use me as a friggin medic all the time, despite the fact that I was having a rather nice nap! Do you know how many assassination attempts I've had to foil to save your sorry butt? But, no, let's starve the Kyuubi and get mad at him for eating your optimistic side!"

Naruto said defensively, "Well, you'd be annoyed if you found that your demon was eating you away!"

"Without me, you wouldn't have anything worth eating left, least of all your optimism." The Kyuubi began to sharpen its claws on the golden bars, which was fading to a neutral, metallic grey. Naruto noticed that the last of the red fire bubbles were disappearing into his chakra system. "To be fair, I normally eat your calm, reasonable self first, but ever since your pervert of a sensei molested you, he's jumped out of the window."

Naruto froze in shock. "What window?

The fox grinned, showing all his dagger-teeth again. "Exactly."

Naruto sweat dropped.

"Of course it was lucky for me, since he was sick several seconds later." Naruto was wondering what the hell to do with this freaky new info- celestial plane, other selves, fox foiling assassination attempts, getting tired, grumpy and hungry, when the fox spoke up again.

"Now, if you don't want to be ass poked again, I suggest you look out. Not that I don't enjoy our conversations."

"O-okay," stammered Naruto, as the bars began to fade.

"I'm glad we understand each other." Naruto opened his eyes, staring at the river he was suspended above.

He tried looking out, but the attempt failed miserably.

* * *

**Meanwhile:**

"I can't pull my hand out!" roared Jiraiya in panic.

"Deactivate the Rasengan then!" Konohamaru yelled.

"Oh." For the briefest of moments, all was well. Until Jiraiya started getting sucked in, fist first, that is. "Aaargh! What's happening?"

Moegi, unable to resist the instincts that had been drilled into her by the academy teachers a long, long time ago, fired back the answer. "A whirlpool, caused by the Rasengan sucking the mud up and causing an inverse current by creating a vacuum at the bottom with a system of two currents going in opposite directions and reversing at both ends."

She hadn't gotten the top grade in the written test for nothing, after all.

Everyone sweat-dropped and three consecutive dots appeared on the screen.

"How do we stop it?" called Konohamaru desperately.

Moegi paled. "The text didn't say anything on stopping it!"

"Well great," muttered Ebisu at the side of the boat, mourning the loss of his shades. "We know that we're doomed, we know how we're doomed, and we know why we're doomed, but we don't know how to not be doomed."

"Can somebody help me here?" cried Udon, desperately trying, (unsuccessfully of course) to haul Jiraiya out.

"Well," said Moegi, as Konohamaru grabbed Jiraiya's other fuoot and heaved. "We've got to interrupt tthe currents, otherwise-"

As if on cue, the boat whirled violently around and threatened to capsize. "How do we interrupt it?" roared Konohamaru, as the boat tilted dangerously and began to be sucked in.

"Uh... uh..." Moegi was panicking, and sweatdrops were running down her neck like a fountain. "We could create another current to spin against it. Does anyone know any water Jutsu?" Ebisu formed several hand seals and a stream of water shot at the current. It didn't help. Instead, the boat was sucked in with a sudden 'pop' and they were sinking into a slow moving, suffocating mass.

"Aaaah!" They all cried, their legs swiftly sinking.

"I can't get my chakra through!" cried Udon. "It's impossible to waterwalk on this!"

(A.N. Betty: Shouldn't we stop this?

Kitkat: No! –cackles evilly-

Betty: ...don't we need Jiraiya later?

Kitkat: -glare- Fine, have it your way. –imparting unknown techniques no jutsu!-)

"That's it," snarled Ebisu. "I've had enough." And then, frothing in the mouth, roaring the loudest he could without committing canon rape, he shouted, "RASENGAN!"

Konohamaru was distantly aware of a shout that sounded it came from Ebisu.

(Mind you, it sounded more like an Ebisu that had been driven mad, had his shade smashed, been threatened by the Hokage, was chasing desperately after something and failing, been utterly humiliated and had whatever common sense and self discipline ripped out of his fingers, lit, and dumped into uncomposted sewage, but never mind that.)

And then Konohamaru felt as though he was being pushed, and grinded, and sucked, before the two currents, one caused by Jiraiya, the other by Ebisu, crashed spectacularly, sending boat and people flying into the air.

"You know the Rasengan?" called Jiraiya.

"You know the Rasengan?" called Udon.

"You know the Rasengan?" called Moegi.

"You know the Rasengan?" called Konohamaru.

"I know the Rasengan? I know the Rasengan!" called Ebisu.

They finally stopped flying up, and hung suspended in the air for a couple of milliseconds. But, as you all know, what goes up, must come down (with the possible exception of god, but that's not the point. They landed back in the boat on the other side of the horrible, horrible clog.

"We're safe!" they cried in unison. And then they saw the postman, far, far, far, ahead. Then they set into panic mode.

"Rasengan!" cried Jiraiya and Ebisu, plunging said jutsu into the water at the speed of fifty times per second, the boat literally leaping and careening forward like a person accomplishing a cross of a hurdle marathon and continuous long jump set in fast forward complete with steroids and heroine. The trio of genin had paddled when they could, Luckily for them, the postman had retired merely to the speed of a rocket.

"Uh, you realise the bottom of the boat is wearing away..." attempted Udon.

"I. Don't. Care," roared Ebisu in between his 'Rasengans'.

"And there's a waterfall up ahead... going up..." said Moegi.

"So?" countered Ebisu.

"And we're going to crash into rock." Finished Konohamaru.

"Who cares if- aaaah!" Ebisu yelled.

"Fasten your seatbelts!" called Jiraiya.

"We don't have seatbelts!" the idiotic trio roared back.

"Oh."

Then-

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Ebisu and Jiraiya, through their unmanly panic, plunged their Rasengans into the water and they, the boat, and the ninja postman all impressively defied gravity, and flew higher... and higher... the momentum sending them flying up the waterfall...

Konohamaru reached out, saw a corner of the bubble wrapped manuscript of Jiriaya's and his fingers just brushed against it... when...

"It couldn't... it couldn't possibly be... it- it-"

(heh)

Naruto landed on the boat that they were flying up on, with disastrous results. Konhamaru watched in part anger, part despair, as the boat splintered into tiny little fragments, and the full weight of the falls as large as the Niagra bore down upon them.

"You caused us to fail this A rank mission!" called Moegi angrily. "Tsunade's gonna kill us!"

"You caused a Shinobi War!" growled Udon, skipping several levels in badass. "Claw is going to attack through Konoha to get to Bear!"

"And thanks to you," Konohamaru yelled, "I can't become Hokage!"

"One Thousand Years of Death!" they screamed together, and despite the fact that they were flying up a waterfall, and the chances of their fingers aligning were zero to none, and the chance that Naruto would land on afore mentioned fingers was well, minus 7000 to none, Naruto defied the odds and got asspoked. Again.

They fell into the sewage filled river, choking and spluttering. "Well," said Jiraiya after several minutes, extraordinarily calm about the whole thing, "I guess we know what that means now."

"That we're going to have a war, we're sacked, and we're doomed?" asked Udon.

"No you idiots. I need... MORE RESEARCH!" There was a dull silence as Ebisu glared at Jiraiya. "And –oh my f- there's a bathhouse! And it's open!" And Jiraiya was off and running before Ebisu could tell Jiraiya the bad example he was setting.

Moegi frowned. "I swear that wasn't there before... there's something fishy about all this..."

In the distance they heard Jiraiya shout, "Oh yeah, baby, research here I come!"

"What for?" asked Team 4 to Ebisu.

(A.N. Sorry, couldn't resist.)

But Ebisu wasn't answering. They watched as the gleaming white bathhouse began to shimmer... and fade... before their very eyes.

Konohamaru's eye twitched. "What... just... happened?"

(Kitkat: Amnesia dust?

Betty: Nah)

Ebisu broke in. "Nothing happened. Okay?"

"But-"

"This never happened," snarled Ebisu, his eyes wide, mad and insane. "We're going to the Hokage and telling her this mission was a success. This. Mission. Was. A. Success. Got it?"

"Got it," stammered Konohamaru.

"And we didn't see that stupid white baboon at all, during our mission. Got it?"

"Yes Ebisu sensei," stammered out Team 4.

"Now let's get the f*** back home," Ebisu cackled evilly, "Heh, home. Yeah. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHH!"

...

* * *

So...yeah. Stay tuned for next week's episode!


	13. Catch me if you can!

Okay readers, I figured that if you read this far you wouldn't need a disclaimer, or a warning, and honestly, I'm not KitKat. I can't be bothered to write them.

And KitKat, if you're reading this, please stop staring/glaring at the screen.

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On a better note, it's the second last chapter of Shikamaru+Temari's arc.

It should have been the last, but then it topped at over 8000 words. So we split it in two. Sorry for not posting last month. As a kind of redemption for myself, I'm posting the second chapter of Temari during to weekend.

Now enjoy or go to hell.

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**_Where we left off last time:_**

_Ebisu broke in. "Nothing happened. Okay?"_

_"But-"_

_"This never happened," snarled Ebisu, his eyes wide, mad and insane. "We're going to the Hokage and telling her this mission was a success. This. Mission. Was. A. Success. Got it?"_

_"Got it," stammered Konohamaru._

_"And we didn't see that stupid white baboon at all, during our mission. Got it?"_

_"Yes Ebisu sensei," stammered out Team 4._

_"Now let's get the f*** back home," Ebisu cackled evilly, "Heh, home. Yeah. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHH!"_

_..._

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"Ooh, that one's pretty! And that one too, and OMFG! One with silver stripes and detachable parachutes! What do you think, Shika-kun?"

Girl Talk. A subject that "Shika-kun" knew practically nothing about. Not that he particularly cared.

"Don't call me Shika-kun," he all but snapped, since actually snapping would be troublesome, with or without the million or so fans on his back.

"Okay, Shika-kun," said Temari airily.

"You sound like Ino," muttered 'Shika-kun.'

"Do you REALLY want to go there?" asked Temari, sinisterly/sweetly.

"No, ma'am," Shikamaru sweat-dropped. His life was currently in a rabbit hole of humiliation that went deeper...and deeper...and deeper...and impending infinity...

Basically, life sucked troublesome arse.

"Good boy, Shika-kun," Temari grinned. Ah, the pleasures of having a sl- boyfriend. Someone to freak out, someone to carry her luggage for her, and a convenient punching bag, all wrapped into one convenient little package, "I haven't gone on a shopping spree for two days! I've got to make up for the lost time!"

When Shikamaru didn't immediately gush in sympathy, she held back a snort and pouted, deftly picking up one hugest fans that Shikamaru had ever seen (and he'd seen enough fans for a life time) and hurled it like a javelin to the top of the tower of fans.

Shikamaru swore he heard his spine snap under the strain. Well, his spine probably would've snapped under the strain, but you see, Shikamaru was not a lowly civilian, oh no: he was an awesome (coughcough-hack-die-cough) ninja, and ninjas have awesome bodies and awesome spinal cords that are so, so awesome that even a ton of beautiful deadly elegant fans of differing weight and mass values could not overwhelm the awesomeness of his awesome...spinal cord.

...

"Can we go now?" asked Shikamaru, who was currently engaged in deep, agonising death throes of awesomeness.

"No."

Unfortunately, said awesome death throes were throwing his not-so-awesome balance off, and like any sane person, he toppled, and died under the weight of ten million fans.

Fortunately, ninja were not just any sane people. They were too awesome to be sane people. So his awesome ribcage and awesome body miraculously withstood the ton of beautiful deadly elegant fans that should have crushed him down to the size of a matchbox. But that would've killed him, and that would be the end of our story, and no-one wants _that_, now do they?

"How unfit/un-co are you?" demanded Temari, as though balancing ten million beautiful, deadly, elegant fans on one's back was an easy, everyday task as mundane as washing the dishes and putting out the garbage.

Of course, for awesome ninja, it probably should have been.

Unfortunately, said pile of beautiful, deadly, elegant fans had spilled over the whole marketplace, leaving most readers and the Laws of Physics wondering how the hell it had fit into one puny stall.

But, remember, my dear friends, we are in a world where pulling huge mallets out of skirt pockets is not considered physically impossible or even strange. In fact, it's actually rather odd to go through a chapter of fanfiction, let alone canon, without a pissed tsundere slamming an aggravating male with a mallet that has magically appeared from her pockets.

Several minutes later, a battered Shikamaru emerged triumphant from the crushing weight of the fans, completely unaware of the chaos he had caused. Amazingly, he was still alive despite the fact that he should have suffocated, run out of air and well, died. But we've gone through that already.

And then he could see.

His poor ninja-awesome eyes seared from the sudden light and he fell to the ground twitching. Or maybe not. Anyway, his hearing was still perfectly intact until the cars started beeping and blasting their horns full volume. You see, the fans had not only obscured the whole market place, but the entire street. Shikamaru's awesome ears somehow withstood the impact of 3000 decibels and picked out Temari's voice over the ear shattering clamour.

"_**Look at what you've done!" **_

Shikamaru blinked several times, shaded his eyes, and looked. The streets were full of cars in disarray; shocked civilians and angry shopkeepers were staring at the pile that had currently flooded everywhere.

(A.N. Betty: Cars? Are there even cars in canon?

Kitkat: Your point?

Betty: Aren't we stretching the boundaries of believability a tad far?

Kitkat: Of course not!

KK+B: -sighs-)

Shikamaru, in the meanwhile, was desperately trying to hammer out a plan, but was currently getting no-where. He could probably fight off the civilians without breaking too much of a sweat, but the fight would rouse whatever Suna had for a military, and many of them were probably ninjas more awesome than he was, because Life and his God of choice seemed to hate him so much.

If he ran, he might again, pull through...but then a war would probably break out in between Konoha and Suna when news that the ambassador from Konoha had run away reached Gaara, which would make said ninja pissed, because that would mean he wouldn't have a slave/scape-goat anymore. Not to mention the fact that he had no supplies, and there was a three-day worth expanse of desert in between Konoha and Suna.

If he didn't run back to Konoha, then he'd probably be tracked down by Konoha itself, get declared a missing-nin, therefore end up becoming a fugitive-hobo, thereby losing a major part of his awesome-ness, and spend his time rummaging out of garbage dumps.

The last option was that he could clean up the fans, and get away with nothing more than a bit of bad publicity. But then, that mundane, common-sense thought didn't even occur in Shikamaru's awesome head, because you see, an idea so mundane and common would not even dare befoul the presence of the awesome brain of a strategically brilliant ninja like Shikamaru.

So while the civilians got progressively less confused and angrier, because a scape-goat wasn't in the near vicinity, Shikamaru stood there frozen, trying to calculate how the hell to get out of this mess.

It wasn't long before a shopkeeper lost his head over the whole mess, "Stupid ninja! I tell you, this is why we should convert to samurai and save ourselves from the whole mess!"

It was possibly the dumbest thing he could have said, because one, he was tempting fate, two, Temari was in earshot, and three, he had just given two certain authoresses (who were currently cackling, dressed in the aprons of a ramen vendor and experimenting with lamps) a rather unecessary brainwave.

"Samurai?" asked Temari dangerously. Considering that they were in a ninja village- not a samurai village, a _ninja_ village, and the fact that she was the sister of the head of said ninja village, her outburst was almost understandable, especially when given the facts below.

All ninja hated three things: pirates, samurai, and democracy. Pirates, because they are pwnage, samurai, because they are kickass, and democracy, because- well, we're not actually sure about that, but majority of ninja flicks suggest so...anyway...

The point is that stating, suggesting or implying that samurai were, in any way, better, was a rather fast method of inviting DEATH.

And Temari, being a highly respected and thoroughly awesome ninja, naturally took offence. If she hadn't, she would have disgraced herself as a kunoichi, and would've had to perform the samurai art of suicide to reddem her family's honour.

Shikamaru, of course, was just deaf.

So, in a mad burst of rage that was unutterably stupid, and could only have been brought on by either the mention of pirates, democracy, or samurai in a positive manner, she swept her fan across, sending lashing winds slicing the stalls apart into tiny little bits of wood sharpenings.

Smart, hm?

But the civilians were used to these erratic outbursts from their ninja counterparts, and then, in a show of defiance that was so unutterably stupid, it could only have been brought on by a hatred of dictatorship, democracy's worst enemy, they started throwing frypans and other such nonsensical at the two awesome, one deaf ninja.

And so the fight broke out. On a normal day, it would've been a massacre that would've ended in 10 to 12 seconds, but strangely enough, the civilians were overcoming the two awesome ninja, and driving them back.

Neither Temari's fan, nor Shikamaru's shadows could hold them back.

"We'll have to run!" called Shikamaru in desperation and exhaustion. In the incoming panic, they swiped Temari's fan.

"This isn't possible!" shouted Temari. "We're getting our butts handed to us by a bunch of civilians!"

"Well, now it is!" screamed our dear Shika-kun hysterically, and then, breaking formation in the same manner as one would break the fourth wall, they both turned and ran. Nevertheless, the civilians chased after them, and were gaining on them.

"Why the hell are they so fast?" Shikamaru wheezed, most likely speaking to his god of choice, or the dead ghost of his mother.

* * *

**:Flashback:**

Once upon a time (or more specifically, the night before, 11:02pm), something was rusting in the bushes. It wasn't Jiraiya stalking some random pretty innocent young girl for porn inspiration. It wasn't a bunch of hormone/love crazed teenagers doing whatever hormone/love crazed teenagers did in the bushes at 11.02pm in the night. It wasn't even Tom Cruise trying to find his way out of the television screen.

It was a radioactive gazelle.

And, really, who the hell needed radioactive spiders when you have radioactive gazelles?

_'How did it get there?'_ you wonder.

Well, here goes...

It all started when Orochimaru discovered radium. Being an evil, wicked psychopath, he decided to experiment on the first creature that moved, and strangely enough, it was a gazelle.

'What the hell was a gazelle doing there?' you snap impatiently. Well, that's a much longer story, involving cream pie, Scholastic, and Devil's Snare, so we'll just leave it to your imagination.

So, Orochimaru stepped outside, radium in one hand and a lasso in the other, gazing psychotically at the stupid, prancing gazelle.

Now, for all of you aspiring-evil-wicked psychopaths, there are two ways to catch a gazelle and experiment on it. One way is to chase after it until it is tired, and finally, when it has collapsed, lasso it by the neck and drag it home. Then, you secure it in your evil laboratory, and over several days, weeks, maybe even months, slowly overwhelm the subject's cells with the chemical until its whole body is overpowered by said chemical. repeat ad infintium, then approach desired town with your new army.

Then there's the other way.

Orochimaru made a cry reminiscent of a Viking, hurling the head of the lasso, cowboy style at the gazelles' neck. It transformed into a snake, which makes you ordinary, sane readers wonder why he bothered getting a lasso in the first place. Orochimaru then made a Navi (blue nature worshipping people with tails) cry of victory as he pulled the gazelle towards him.

This, of course, required unrequired effort and the gazelle slammed into the ground at his feet, whimpering and turning blue from asphyxiation. With a cruel jerk, the snake unwrapped from the gazelle's neck, and Orochimaru chucked it against his evil wall, where it slammed into a brick and slid down unconscious. He grabbed the poor, stupid blue gazelle by the neck and did the completely reasonable thing when trying to experiment on a gazelle; he grabbed the radium and shoved it down its throat.

And Orochimaru wondered why 99% of his experiments failed, hm?

The gazelle mutated, transformer style. It's already twisted horns twisted further like screwdrivers or weird, twisty forks. It grew creepishly metallic looking- its hair gleamed silvery-grey like the gravity defying tresses of a certain perverted one-eyed jounin.

While all this happened, Orochimaru stood there cackling his ugly face off.

The gazelle's cells would have all imploded and it/he/she would have shrivelled like a fruit-skin, except for the fact that the snake Orochimaru was holding had chosen just a moment before it slid down unconcious to bite the poor, stupid gazelle.

Consequently, WW4 erupted within the gazelle's body.

You see, this was no ordinary snake. This was Orochimaru's snake, which should have been enough said, complete with patented venom of the Twilight, vampire-y sort. How it got there is also, unfortunately, a rather long story.

Let's just say that Edward Cullen's cologne, which you may or may not remember from the disclaimer of another chapter, while utterly disgusting to human, vampires, and practically every other being or organism in the universe, is the pheromone used to by snakes to...ahem... attract their mates. And Edward Cullen was stupid enough to cross to the Amazon while Orochimaru's snake and Pete the hidey-hole was having his regular sojourn. Oh, sure, he shook off that one fangirl... but he gained a few fan boys...of the reptilian kind. And while fighting them off, he had to use his fangs.

You smart people should be able to work out what happened next.

Anyway, back to WW4; while the radium was imploding the cells of the poor, stupid gazelle, the vampire venom was strengthening and fortifying them. Needless to say, it hurt. So, frothing in the mouth in pain, the vampiric/radioactive gazelle galloped on a very roundabout journey to Konoha, bit a whole bunch of fat ladies in a certain bathhouse, and rampaged Suna like an inferno. Guess it helps when you're a radioactive vampiric gazelle.

And the rest, they say, is history.

...or maybe not.

* * *

Unfortunately, this little flashback convinced Shikamaru that he was hallucinating, because he had never seen Orochimaru laughing his face off, and even if he had, the sight would've been enough to make our Shika-kun melt into anti-matter.

"I need...to get to...a freaking medic!" called Shikamaru.

Without asking why he needed a medic (because every kunoichi knows that shinobi have tendencies to suddenly gain life-threatening injuries without warning) Temari called back, "They're all at war with the Mist Nation! Gaara started it when he killed my ambassador boyfriend!"

Shikamaru shuddered mid step. Why did that all sound creepily familiar to him right now?

Oh yeah. Because he was stuck in the SAME F***ING SITUATION! "How about a therapist? Don't tell me they've gone to war too!" he said.

"Don't ask," said Temari swiftly. Ever since an elder recommended curbing Kankuro's sadist fetish for torturing, all the therapists had mysteriously...disappeared and they'd hired one from Kusa. She doubted he (at least, Temari hoped it was a he...) would last a week.

"Just run, god dammit!"

(*_cue dangerously low thunder crackles in the distance*_)

So run they did. But unfortunately, the evolution had begun. The shopkeepers of Suna were mutating. Radium and vampire venom raced down bloodstreams, now activating because of Hulk-disorder. The immune systems of these two dimensionial people were nothing, NOTHING compared to this!

So while Shikamaru and Temari ran, they just couldn't get away. The shopkeepers were inhuman! The poor, stupid ninja darted thorough alleyways, ran across the tops of buildings; but no matter what they did, the civilians seemed to do just as well. It was almost as though they were trained to beat the awesome ninjas at their own game.

Now, under the circumstances, they should have been transformed into radioactive vampires, you must be thinking...well, yes and no. Normal people would have been. The shopkeepers of Suna might have been mundane and ordinary, but even the civilians of Suna weren't QUITE at the level of normal, for they had been 'tainted' by the constant high atmospheric level of chakra released by the ninjas. That, combined with the desert heat, had made them more resilient to silly little things like radioactive vampire venom.

However, the venom reacted with their chakra systems. The civilians changed. The very chemical makeup of the plain ordinary civilians warped into something beyond extraordinary. Something kickass. Something pwnage. Something awesome. They were pirate-samurai-zombies. With democratic rights.

And there was only one cure.

...

...we lied! Hah, you fell for it, didn't you?

...

There were two. One just happened to be the answer to every question in the universe. Yep, you guessed it. When spoken aloud, the number 42 just happened to be powerful enough to extinguish the, uh, curse. The second is the cure for every single problem in fairy-tales. True Love's kiss.

Whatever Shikamaru and Temari did to evade and escape, the civilians turned mutants did just as well. Cue example:

"Maybe we can deter them by setting obstacles!" said Shikamaru. While this was not up to his usually awesome standard, you couldn't blame him. He was only getting chased by pirate-samurai-zombies out for his blood.

"How do you suggest we do that while running?" asked Temari scornfully, "We'll get caught if we stop!"

They turned the corner, and in front of them happened to be the Kazekage Tower's first and weakest defence: 42 great big walls of spikes. So, civilians, or spikes?

Spikes of course!

Ahem, not.

Still, they ran for it. And they, well, Shikamaru at least, was going to learn what happened to things left out in the typical midday sun, in Suna, without any sort of cloud cover. In other words, when he touched the spikes, it was no real surprise that his hand burnt and swelled up like a bright red balloon.

"Temari, I can't climb it, it's too hot!"

He shouldn't have bothered wasting his breath.

"Stop being such a lazy arse!" shouted Temari, easily scaling the wall. She was a kunoichi of the sand, after all. She had hands that were callused and practically nerve dead when it came to heat. So, Shikamaru, ignoring his, did so as well. He had only just finished the first wall, desperately blowing on his fingers, when the civilian turned pirate-samurai-zombies armed with democratic rights arrived, each carrying one of the forty-two fans Temari had bought on their backs.

"My hands!" shouted Shikamaru. "They're-"

"Just hurry up and climb!" called Temari in exasperation. A muscle in Shikamaru's jaw twitched.

And so up he went. By the fifth wall, Shikamaru's hands were faintly smouldering. By the twelfth, his finger nails were smoking (as in smoking so much it was a wonder no-one was dying of global warming yet) and the top layer of skin was scorched. But, in fear of his life, he continued.

Finally, after several more minutes of switching grip techniques, he just couldn't bear the pain. "I'm going to stand and fight!" he called up to Temari. He figured it'd be better for him to die with honour as opposed to dying because his hands were completely gone and he was left with wrist stumps instead of hands, at the total mercy of the civilians.

Temari shrugged. If he wanted to give up, then it really wasn't her business. She frowned. Although starting a war against Konoha might just be a teensy bit much for Suna... she glanced back down. Shikamaru, with all his tactical genius, was getting his ass kicked by the civilians. Shows what a ninja he was. He couldn't keep his own donkey un-harmed for god's sake! It wasn't even worth getting her hands dirty for. After all, what kind of self respecting ninja gets beaten by a bunch of civilians wielding giant fans?

...

Wait a second...

"Those are mine!" she snarled, her eyes flashing fire at the civilians. "Those dirty thieves!" No one, especially not a bunch of samurai-loving civilians would get away with stealing her- as in, her, the third Kazekage's daughter, sister of the fourth Kazekage (holder of the one-tailed Shukaku) official ambassador and jounin of Suna, wielder of giant, beautiful, deadly, elegant fans and... fake girlfriend of the ambassador of Konoha?

...

Okay, the last part just didn't have the same ring to it. She scowled. But, no matter how stupid her 'better half' was, the samurai-loving civilians were dirtying her beautiful fans! That deserved DEATH! She leapt down, preparing to slice off a few heads, democratic rights or not.

* * *

**Meanwhile:**

"...please, please, please, please, please..." Naruto took deep breath, still flying through the sky like a G6 (heh) and continued, "Please, please, please, please, please, oh please! With ramen on top! Spare me! Please make me wake up and let this all be a dream! What did I do to deserve this?"

Of course nothing, not even the bird that ducked to miss his foot, answered him.

"I'll give you cake! I'll give up smoking ramen! I'll wash your feet! I'll never be mean to Sasuke-teme again!"

Thunder crackled. He winced.

"I'll give you my lifesavings! I'll- what the hell is it that you want?"

When all that rung in his ears was the sound of somebody munching on popcorn, he scowled, "I'll unleash Kyuubi and destroy the world! I'll give up my dream of becoming Hokage! I'll be a genin forever! I'll give myself over to Orochimaru!"

Silence.

"I'll let Sasuke-teme kiss me!" he paused, "I'd prefer Sakura, though."

And, almost immediately, a hot steaming bowl fell onto his lap, defying the Laws of Physics once more. "Ramen!" Naruto cried. After all, ramen was the solution to all of life's problems, wasn't it? And then, picking up the chopsticks that were mysteriously floating beside the bowl, he began to eat.

At which point he gagged and retched, and strands of ramen noodles and broth fell out of his mouth tumbling into the clouds below. The ramen certainly didn't taste like miso. In fact, it kind of tasted like lamp. But that wasn't possible, was it? After all, what kind of chef makes lamp flavoured ramen? They'd have to be totally insane!

Nevertheless, he clutched the bowl. At this rate, he probably wouldn't be eating for a long, long time.

**

* * *

**

Meanwhile:

Shikamaru had two kunai out, because it was too troublesome to use anything apart from two flimsy knives that were no sharper than a toothpick, and was currently fending off three civilians who were swiping at him with Temari's giant fans. Of course, kunai with the sharpness of a toothpick versus a ten tonne fan really is no competition, especially when your opponents are pirate-samurai-zombies with democratic rights.

"Those are my fans!" screeched Temari. Not only had they stolen the ones she had bought- but the one she used for battle, the purple moon fan, was gone!

Again, the two ninjas were getting pwned. And so Shikamaru made for the wall, and dropped a smoke-bomb. Unfortunately, when he made a grab for the spikes, they burned his already burnt hand, and he desperately shook it. Temari easily grabbed on, and briefly wondered whether she should just abandon Shikamaru to the civilians. She sighed exasperatedly. This was her 'boyfriend' after all.

"Just grab on," she muttered. So Shikamaru, trying to ignore how undignified he would look, obeyed and climbed on, clinging onto her like a koala cub. Or a drop bear. They are real, you know.

How embarrassing.

Temari's pace was extremely slow, hindered by Shikamaru's weight, and soon the smoke cleared. Temari had only made it past one wall. Angry to be thwarted, the civilians came after them, an incoming rush that was too big to contain.

So up and down they climbed, massive wall after wall.

"How much farther?" demanded Temari, scowling and wondering whether he had manipulated her into carrying him. Then she pushed that unpleasant thought from her head.

"29 more walls!" called Shikamaru, straining his eyes against the midday sun, wondering how he had managed to get himself into this position. "They're nearly upon us!"

"It's not like your heavy butt is exactly helping," retorted Temari. "If I had my fan-"

"But we don't," replied Shikamaru.

"Exactly. We have nothing, except for luck which has probably run out by now." Of course, Lady Luck was smiling upon them just then, as she watched them get bruised and beaten.

At which point three oddly large pieces of hail fell from the sky, and onto the three heads of the leading pirate-ninja-samurai-zombies. Shikamaru and Temari could only stare as the trio fell to the ground, and the large tennis ball sized hail (that was the odd colour of pale yellow and speckled green) shattered upon contact.

Temari blinked. Shikamaru blinked. Shards of already melting ice- if you could call it ice- fell onto the ground as well as a... half frozen noodle?

"I don't want to know where it came from," he muttered under his breath.

"Neither do I," agreed Temari. "How many walls altogether?"

"Dunno."

There was a period of silence as Temari skirted around the edge of a spike and climbed down, broken only by the cries of pirate-ninja-samurai-zombies which were two walls behind.

"Now get off," grunted Temari. Shikamaru slid off before frowning and looking around. Once she had gotten a brief rest and complained her ear off about heavy Shikamaru was (because really, he couldn't weigh that much more than the giant fan that she usually carried on her back anyway) he once again grabbed onto her jounin uniform, wishing, praying, that he was only hallucinating.

"So how many walls are there?" demanded Temari once again. Shikamaru scowled.

"Forty three?" he hazarded a guess, "No. Forty t-"

The pirate-ninja-samurai-zombies slowed, frozen as Shikamaru began to utter the word that would save them from their curse. Unfortunately, that was when the spike, which Naruto had bounced off earlier (and that Shikamaru and Temari were holding onto- well, just Temari, actually) began to wobble again.

"AAAH!" Temari yelled. Shikamaru didn't care how perverted he must seem- he hung on for dear life. Yes, life. Because when the supposed stone spike of at least 12.76m in height that the person you're holding onto is holding onto wobbles, it's scary. Temari didn't dare climb further up (because the pole was currently gyrating like one of the jumping castle towers) and she didn't climb down, either, because that would mean she would once again, fan-less, get pwned by the strangely powerful civilians (which were actually pirate-ninja-samurai-zombies with democratic rights). And that would suck. Immensely.

So Temari and Shikamaru hung on tight like drop bears before freefall, eyes squeezed shut, hyperventilating, and waiting for their doom. Several instances later, Shikamaru dared open one eye. The spike was still wobbling from side to side, but there was no one else climbing it. The civilians seemed smart enough not to climb a spike that was swinging from side to side as though it was about to collapse. Shikamaru finally dared breathe a sigh of relief, at which point Temari opened her eyes.

Bad mistake. The civilians were now gathered around the bottom of the spike, where the fence allowed them. Shikamaru and Temari waited again, now slightly braver. And strangely enough, they were half right. The civilians didn't climb. They weren't that suicidal. But that wasn't to say that Shikamaru and Temari were safe. Far from it; the pirate-ninja-samurai-zombies were using their democratic rights to vote them off...and it seemed to be working; the spike was nodding its head in agreement. Consequently, they were falling from favour of the public, and from the middle of the spike.

Temari gritted her teeth as the rough rock wobbled and scraped at her already callused hands and at her fingernails, which were desperately keeping grip on the spike. So there they were, trapped in a stalemate that would either end in the civilians giving up- which was pretty damn unlikely- or Temari giving in or falling off. Shikamaru sincerely hoped it was the first option, because they didn't have a phone to call the Ghostbusters on.

_I am going insane..._, he thought.

But, to up the ante, the pirate-ninja-samurai-zombies were going further. Every single time the spike swung on the rebound, they gripped the base and gradually pulled the spike BACK.

"Climb higher!" yelled Shikamaru.

"We'll fall!" screamed Temari.

"We'll fall either way, or they'll pull down the spike so far and we'll be within reach!"

So higher Temari climbed. And then the civilians would pull down further, and they'd climb higher. This continued until Temari reached the very tip, and there was nowhere else she could go. She waited for the imminent doom, for her grip was slackening, and the blood from the scrapes on her hands coated the place she was gripping, making her wince in pain, as well as making the spike itself slippery.

She shuddered, hoping that no one would find out she's died with a Konoha ambassador clinging to her waist, killed by civilians (samurai-pirate-democracy-loving ones, no less) from her own hidden village by falling from her Kazekage's own defences- on her homeland. She prepared to let go, and looked down. Then her eyes widened.

The civilians, no matter what they did, just couldn't seem to pull the strangely flexible stone spike another inch. So there Temari dangled, Shikamaru in tow, tantalisingly there, just one damn inch away from death. And her hands were slipping, from the pain, the blood, the grit grinding into her hands, opening up old scars and half healed cuts.

She was slipping. They were going to die.

If not for the fact that in that same instant, the pirate-ninja-samurai-zombies let go, clearly tired and frustrated, despite their strength- it was stone after all. The effect was instantaneous. Shikamaru and Temari were flung, catapulted by the spike, flying over the remaining stone walls.

Other traps were revealed, with nasty results. After flying forward, past a punch of shuriken and kunai that threatened to embedden themselves into their chests; past wires that lit with bright explosions or whipped through the air to bind and slice him through, only to barely miss; past countless exploding tags and other land formations, natural or otherwise- many which moved and tried to kill them.

Shikamaru wondered whether it was possible to even make it through alive, let alone assassinate the Kazekage. Who just happened to be Gaara, and had the ultimate defence with his sand shield and all, and probably didn't even need all these traps anyway.

Speaking of the Kazekage, why is he trying to hack his fingers off with a battle axe anyway?, thought Shikamaru as he noticed said Kazekage doing said action repeatedly.

And then he hit the wall of the Kazekage's tower.

...

Several seconds later, he wondered why he hadn't had a concussion yet. Several more seconds later, he wondered why he hadn't fallen to the ground and died. It then occurred to him. He was clinging to Temari, who was currently gripping the wall of the Kazekage's Tower. Which, of course, was the perfect place to be, especially when he was supposed to be cleaning the Kazekage's room, and the Kazekage was below... cutting his finger off.

Yeah. He still didn't get that.

"I think we're safe for now," he muttered to Temari. "It'd still be nice if you climbed around and brought me down, though." He didn't mention the fact that he'd prefer not to clean Gaara's room, nor get killed by him or his psychotic brother.

"That's nice and all..." said Temari. "Unfortunately, Gaara seems to have kept one secret about the Kazekage Tower's defences."

"Which is?" demanded Shikamaru.

"Let's just say I'm stuck." said Temari.

(A.N: KitKat: I thought our jutsu was only supposed to work on Naruto!

Betty: Oh, lighten up, look at all the havoc!

KitKat: But they're going to die!

Betty: So?

...

KK+B: *sigh*)

Shikamaru cursed his luck. A sticking jutsu on the stone?, he wondered. How many assassination attempts had gone on for Gaara to be so paranoid that he didn't even tell his family?

"Well," he hazarded, "Maybe we could, uh, ask his guards to release the jutsu?" Temari let out a little noise of derision. Shikamaru felt himself getting more and more peeved.

"He deemed all his guards too annoying and kill- I mean, sacked them." responded Temari. Shikamaru decided that the moment he got back to Konoha, he would never go back to Suna. Ever.

"How about your brother, then?"

"Gaara or Kankuro?"

"Uh...Gaara." he decided, recalling his last little thought-argument in his head over who it would be better to be killed by. Temari jerked her head to the side.

"If you can get Gaara to stop, then be my guest."

Shikamaru hesitated, then, deciding he'd rather die quickly than spend the rest of his life hanging onto the back of a woman, did so.

"Gaara! Can you, uh, let us down?" he wondered whether he was signing his own death sentence. He waited. Nothing. He waited some more. Still nothing. Or, to be more accurate, Gaara was still...trying to hack his contaminated finger off with a battle axe.

As if reading his thoughts, Temari said, "He's been trying to do that all morning. Don't bother." Shikamaru scowled.

Well, the jutsu had to end eventually... right?

* * *

Yes, it will (sort of) end soon.

Hope you enjoyed it.


	14. Oh, Wait, You Can

Konnochiwa, my fellow FanFiction rompers!

Japanese reader: Konnichiwa, stupid.

Sighs. Anyway, welcome to the last chapter of the Temari arc!

Because, Betty here doesn't want a disclaimer or warning, I'm giving you one!

Betty: -glares-

:)

**Disclaimer:**

Betty: So, who this time?

KitKat: Ah, how about an innocent bystander!

Betty: Why not?

KitKat: Come here, random anonymous innocent bystander!

RAIB: W-Where the hell am I?

Betty: Hell, my dear.

KitKat: Seventh floor, to be exact.

RAIB: …I died?

Betty: Yes, you did!

KitKat: But you can escape!

Betty: If you tell everyone that we don't own Naruto or any other of Kishimoto's creations!

RAIB: How did I die?

KitKat: Tragic accident involving a car, midnight and underage drinking.

Betty: And SATMs.

Both: -break into evil grins-

RAIB: ...

Betty: Just tell everyone so, or we'll do something to you that is both mind-numbingly painful and against the Laws of Physics.

KitKat: And probably illegal too. If the government works out it's us, of course. Which they won't.

Laws of Physics: You know, you aren't going to keep getting away with this.

Universe: Yeah, we're working on a plot to kill you.

KitKat 'n' Betty: Hey, not in front of the random innocent bystander!

RAIB: …

Betty: Oh, just tell everybody already.

RAIB: …KitKat 'n' Betty do not own Naruto or any other of Kishimoto's creations.

Betty: Or "Like a G6" by a random artist I don't know of, nor do I particularly care about.

KitKat: It was Far East Movement featuring The Cataracs and Dev

Betty: Dude, no.

RAIB: -helpfully- I don't think you own the Ice Age 3 reference either. Or the Spiderman reference. Or the Key to Rondo reference. Or Ghostbusters. Or the Amazon.

Betty: That's right, inferior being.

KitKat: Good boy. Now be gone.

-poof-

…

KitKat 'n' Betty: That wasn't funny, was it?

Readers: No.

**Warning:**

(Note; this is for two chapters, so naturally it's long. :D)

Abuse of Naruto, Naruto's arse, Naruto's rectum, Naruto's determination, Naruto's fortitude, Naruto's backbone, Naruto's aforementioned injuries (including his legs, his arms, his face, his teeth, his spine, his hair, his face, his fingers, his anal regions...), Naruto's optimism, Naruto's tastebuds, Naruto's authenticity, Naruto's ramen, ramen in general, Shikamaru, Shikamaru's life, Shikamaru's dignity, Shikamaru's spine, Shikamaru's boredom, Shikamaru's fingers, Shikamaru's fingertips (yes, we're just fudging it up now), Shikamaru's balance, Shikamaru's fit-ness, Shikamaru's 'co'-ness, Shikamaru's general ninja ability, Shikamaru's awesomeness, Shikamaru's character/personality, Shikamaru's lungs and diaphragm, Shikamaru's windpipe, Shikamaru's sweat glands, Shikamaru's eyes, Shikamaru's shadow, Shikamaru's manliness, Shikamaru's sanity, Temari's sanity, Temari, Temari's personality, Temari's character, Temari's lips, Temari's hands, Temari's fingers, Temari's clothes, Temari's fans (both meanings), Temari's romantic life, Temari's purpose in life, Gaara's sanity, Kankuro's sanity, Orochimaru's insanity, Orochimaru, Orochimaru's evilness, Orochimaru's ninja-ness, Orochimaru's awesomeness, Orochimaru's snake, snakes in general, Plans, perfume, civilians of Suna, Anew Hope, democracy, Life, God, a poor, stupid, blue, mutated, half vampiric gazelle, chakra systems, history, author's notes, the line-thingys, the Laws of Physics, the Laws of the Universe, his big brother the Universe, the Time Continuum, and ourselves. Also over exaggeration of Temari's bitchiness, Shikamaru's wimp-ness, the pwnage-ness of pirates, samurai, zombies and democracy, and the sadistic urges of us. Also contains dues ex machina, the results of foreshadowing, the gunshot wounds of the Chekhov's Gun, coarse language, extreme stupidity, sexual references, and mentions of pirates, samurai, zombies and democracy, Edward Cullen, suicide, genocide, murder, abuse of status, conspiracy, attempted murder, manipulation, perfume, groping, and Death. Read at the risk of your body, mind and general well-being.

Wow. That is f**king long.

("You are fined one credit for the violation of some random law that doesn't allow the people of San Angeles to curse.")

Now enjoy or go to hell.

_**

* * *

**_

Where we left off last time:

_"Well," he hazarded, "Maybe we could, uh, ask his guards to release the jutsu?" Temari let out a little noise of derision. Shikamaru felt himself getting more and more peeved._

_"He deemed all his guards too annoying and kill- I mean, sacked them." responded Temari. Shikamaru decided that the moment he got back to Konoha, he would never go back to Suna. Ever._

_"How about your brother, then?"_

_"Gaara or Kankuro?"_

_"Uh...Gaara." he decided, recalling his last little thought-argument in his head over who it would be better to be killed by. Temari jerked her head to the side._

_"If you can get Gaara to stop, then be my guest."_

_Shikamaru hesitated, then, deciding he'd rather die quickly than spend the rest of his life hanging onto the back of a woman, did so._

_"Gaara! Can you, uh, let us down?" he wondered whether he was signing his own death sentence. He waited. Nothing. He waited some more. Still nothing. Or, to be more accurate, Gaara was still...trying to hack his contaminated finger off with a battle axe._

_As if reading his thoughts, Temari said, "He's been trying to do that all morning. Don't bother." Shikamaru scowled._

_Well, the jutsu had to end eventually... right?_

**

* * *

**

Sometime later:

Shikamaru stared at the final wall of spikes he had passed, feeling panic rush through his limbs. The pirate-ninja-samurai-zombies were there, and they were coming closer. He tried to reassure himself. After all, the civilians couldn't possibly get past the multiple traps in front of the Kazekage Tower. And even if they did, they'd be stuck on the wall as well. He could wait until Gaara gave up on trying to hack his finger off... right?

As if to contradict his thoughts, the civilians, like an incoming tidal wave, poured over the final wall, and were steadily making their way forward. Shikamaru strained his neck and eyes. Sure enough, the traps activated.

There were multiple explosions, and sounds of weapons whooshing through the air, and the ground below was shrouded by a thin layer of smoke. And out of the smoke, like a creepy zombie invasion, more just kept coming, pouring through the traps like a mass horde, bent on only one thing. Annihilating the two ninjas currently stuck on the Kazekage's tower.

"How about Kankuro?" he asked, panicking.

"You just missed him," said Temari. "He's gone to the therapist."

"Therapist?" demanded Shikamaru, wondering whether Temari was being difficult on purpose.

"Didn't I tell you before? We hired one from Kusa?"

Shikamaru resisted the urge to slam his head onto the wall, since it would probably stick.

"Well, the civilians have made it past all the traps," he said.

"That- that's not possible!" Temari responded, craning and turning her neck. She looked down, and in her un-awesome fright, watched as the pirate-ninja-samurai-zombies climbed higher... and higher...

"Why aren't they sticking to the wall?" Shikamaru demanded. "Don't tell me your civilians are immune to jutsu!"

Sure enough, they were climbing, with no hint of difficulty.

"I- we- I don't know how..." she stuttered, then scowled. "Trust you to complain and do nothing while I'm stuck to the wall!"

He glared at the back of her head. Did he really have to bother to act on the plan he had concocted a second ago?

Guess so.

"Shadow Bind," he whispered under his breath. Luckily for Shikamaru, the sun was on his side, both physically and metaphorically, and had cast a shadow on his side of the tower. His shadow crept down, lengthened, to snare the civilians. Their howls of panic reached their ears, echoing with the sounds of a democratic nation. They both shuddered.

He was going to run out of chakra, and fast, especially considering the number of civilians he was holding back. He frowned. "Do you have anything on you with layers?"

"Layers?" demanded Temari.

"Like... an onion, or-"

"Spiral notebook." was Temari's curt response, "Right hip holster."

Shikamaru waited before realising that Temari couldn't get it herself. Awkwardly, he fumbled around in her pocket. Finally, he found it, and noticed briefly that a whole lot of the pages were marked with 'punishment by death' written in red ink beside many names in the book. He shuddered.

"So what's your plan, genius?" Shikamaru felt a tic form under his eye.

"We climb, me first, and I'll use the notebook so my hand won't stick to the wall." At least, so he hoped, "I'll stick my kunai onto the wall with my other hand, and use them as supports for my feet. Civilians'll climb with us, but if I release my shadow, they'll climb faster than us. We'll have to act quickly."

"That sounds like the most idiotic plan ever," she countered.

"You have a better idea?"

"You can use my kunai," she finally conceded. "You see the short sword on my waist?" Shikamaru nodded his assent and awkwardly stowed Temari's weapons into his jacket pockets. "Cut my hand free."

"What?"

"I've faced worse when freeing myself with genjutsu," she said, and Shikamaru noticed an ever-so-slight hitch in her voice.

"I can't just cut your hand-"

"Just do it, or we'll both be dead! I can get a medic-nin later!"

Shikamaru felt an almost awe, tempered by a fear of how foolhardy she was. He slid the short thin blade under her hand where it was stuck to the wall and slowly cut. He heard a tiny squeak emit from her mouth, then nothing else. After he'd finished he noticed, with a slightly churning stomach, that thin bits of the topmost skin layer were still stuck to the wall. He quickly searched in his pockets for bandages. None. Of course.

"In my pocket!" hissed Temari urgently. He once again searched her pockets and swiftly found a roll, wrapping it around her fingers and hand. He cut her other hand free and desperately focusing on his jutsu, began to climb.

It was a slow and laborious process. He stuck his notebook shielded hand onto the wall, and plunged a kunai in with his other hand at waist height, before climbing and placing a foot onto said kunai that he'd just stuck on the wall. And then, ripping the notebook off the wall (leaving one page stuck there) he'd start the process all over again, as Temari climbed the kunai after him.

In the meanwhile, the pirate-ninja-samurai-zombies climbed at the same snail-slow speed. Shikamaru, to ensure that they reached the ground first (since the civilians were lower than he was) climbed right to the top of the Kazekage's tower before descending the other side.

To be honest, it seemed as if his plan was working.

Of course, it wasn't long until disaster struck, as it usually does. It just took a little longer this time.

First, since climbing the tower and looping over caused him to be under the pirate-ninja-samurai-zombies, it became increasingly harder to cast his shadow bind without seals, especially on the other side of the tower, where it was no longer in shadow.

Second, considering the height of the tower, Temari's notebook had lost all of its pages, which were all stuck on various positions on the tower; however, being a chuunin, he coped by wielding kunai in both hands. Nonetheless, this was definitely more difficult, and they were running out of kunai.

Third, climbing down was even harder than climbing up, because sticking his kunai beneath his feet required enormous flexibility of body and mind that could only be achieved by a contortionist, ballet dancer, python, or a mixture of all three.

Now, since Shikamaru was human, not snake, and Shikamaru would not be seen dead contorting his body or leaping around in frilly dresses, he was none of them. However, he was a ninja, and ninja were more awesome than all of them added together, (and the fact that Ino made him do yoga; yes, yoga) he managed. Until his kunai ran out halfway down.

He looked up at Temari, and no, she was not wearing a skirt, and he was not disappointed, at all, because there was no reason for him to be disappointed, how could he be, it would be utterly out of character for him to be disappointed, he, the only anime character in Naruto without any testosterone or any hormones whatsoever, apart for Shino. Though he's not really a human being, more of a walking beehive, but that's not the point.

Now where was he? Oh yes, he was not disappointed at all in the fact that Temari was wearing pants instead of a mini skirt.

...he really was a bad liar, wasn't he?

"I've run out of kunai," he called up to Temari. "And used all your spares."

"Useless-" he heard Temari cursing her lungs out.

**

* * *

**

After several minutes of mindless ranting:

"Okay, okay I get it!" he snarled.

"Well, let's just wait until Kankuro comes back or Gaara snaps out of it. It's been this long; it can't be too bad-"

"I'm running out of chakra," replied Shikamaru dully.

"Oh."

Both Shikamaru and Temari looked up, and watched Shikamaru shadow contract, sliding down, until it was in his shape, form and size.

"Crap." The civilians were climbing at a horrendously fast pace, clambering over the tower and climbing, descending to where they were.

"Substitute!" shouted Temari. Shikamaru dutifully let go of the kunai stuck to the wall... and lost balance on the kunai he was standing on.

"Naaaargh!" he cried, falling.

A second later, the world was black.

And, yes, he died.

* * *

But he lived!

* * *

"Wake up!" shouted Temari, shaking him by the shoulders. "Snap out of it! Do you want to die? Too troublesome to bother getting up?"

He blinked groggily and groaned. Great.

"Hurts..." he muttered. He saw a concern in her eyes, along with an almost fear, that flitted across her face. He blinked._ Must have been hallucinating…_

"Come on! The civilians are coming!" said Temari urgently. "Do you want to die?"

"Even if I leave, what guarantee is there that I won't die?"

Temari frowned. "Who said you were leaving?"

"You promised to let me out of Suna!" said Shikamaru, feeling a tad confused. At this comment, Temari snorted.

"To be more accurate," continued Temari, "I promised I'd let you out of the Kazekage Tower, not Suna. I may have certain liberties when dealing with Gaara, but that doesn't mean he won't behead me if I just let a foreign ninja stroll out of Suna."

Shikamaru couldn't help but, well, gape. "You weren't planning on letting me out of Suna?" he demanded, feeling rage boil up. THAT BITCH!

"Look, don't worry about it now," said Temari. "If you want to survive the remaining forty two hours in Suna, than you'd better -"

The air around them remained still, almost frozen, for the briefest fraction of a second.

…and the pirate-ninja-samurai-zombies just kept on coming.

_**(A.N. Both: Why isn't it working? I mean, forty two is the answer to every question in the universe, isn't it?**_

_**Universe:*smirk***_

_**Both: Every question… every question…. OMFG! It's every QUESTION, not every PROBLEM! **_

_**Universe: AHAHAHAHAH! **_

_**KitKat: But then what about True Love's Kiss?**_

_**Universe: Answer to every problem in Fairy Tales. Not manga. Not fanfic. Fairytales.**_

_**Betty: Oh no. They're doomed.**_

_**KitKat: We didn't mean to end it like this!)**_

He glared up at Temari.

"I'm not going to survive, no matter what I do," he muttered. After all, it would be better to die by himself, rather than bring the whole of Konoha into a war that would cost them so much.

"Don't be a stupid bastard!" cried Temari. He looked calmly at her, feeling the almost strange calm that happens right before the ultimate doom.

"I can't continue in this state!" shouted Temari, holding out her bloodied bandaged hands for emphasis. "Without you, I'd be dead."

Shikamaru looked calmly at her, with a dripping scorn. "Why don't you get Kankuro to help you then?" he asked spitefully. "Or Gaara? They're your brothers, right? They're strong, right?" And then, he did the thing that he did best in troublesome situations. He looked up at the sky.

"Suna doesn't have any clouds," he said quietly, sadly. "I guess that's the one thing I'll regret…" he laughed, "I guess I won't marry an average woman and have one boy, and one girl," he shrugged, preparing himself for death.

"That's what you get for aspiring to mediocrity," said Temari, but her voice was trembling from fear, and the incoming pirate-ninja-samurai-zombies.

"And yet," said Shikamaru, "I'm going to the same place you are." Temari's jaw clenched.

"Come on!" she urged. "At the very least, we should go down fighting. We're ninjas, after all. What would your comrades think?"

Shikamaru thought. He thought of the genin twelve, the rookies from his graduating class, of Asuma, his father, his Hokage. He thought of Ino, and thought of Chouji. What would they think of him?

_**(A.N: KitKat 'n' Betty: *crying and beating tables in sorrow*)**_

Finally, with a groan, he stood.

"How troublesome," he murmured.

"And yet, you're standing," said Temari, as she flashed a smirk towards him.

"Don't flatter yourself," muttered Shikamaru. "I do have a reputation to uphold, after all."

"Let's end this," said Temari, drawing out her kunai and shuriken. Shikamaru crouched, and weaved his hands into seals.

"Let's," he agreed. And so they fought, bleeding, broken, bruised, exhausted, slashing, cutting down the mass horde that had pwned them so many times. They fought against the enemy, their natural enemy, a combination of their worst fears, amalgamated into one form. Civilians turned pirate-ninja-samurai-zombies.

It was only when the last pirate ninja zombie still armed (with Temari's moon fan, no less) struck Shikamaru in the side with the weight of- well, a heavy metallic bladed fan, did Shikamaru collapse.

"Temari!" he called urgently. "Run!"

Temari glanced over, and snarled, "I've had enough of running, especially when we never get away." And, with a new ferocity, she picked up two of the giant fans that she had bought, and slashed, and whipped them around.

Making several hand seals, she cried, "Whipping Hurricane no jutsu!" and then she hopped onto another fan. "Float!" she cried, forming the hand seals bull, boar, and rat. But the fans weren't used to conduct wind jutsu, and slashed into tiny pieces.

The pirate-ninja-samurai-zombies took advantage of her falter, and charged forward. Even weapon-less, they WERE the ninja's natural enemy, after all. They caught her, pinning her to the ground, as her bandages tore and her wounds began to bleed afresh.

"Shikamaru," she whispered weakly. "If you live, tell Gaara and Kankuro... that..." her breaths grew shallower. Shikamaru didn't hear. He didn't need to.

After all, if you've read this long enough, you should know what is coming next.

...

* * *

"AAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!" cried Naruto. He landed painfully on the ground, and his lamp-flavoured ramen soup upended. And, with the same power that made Temari's fans flood the whole street, the power that enables badly-tempered Tsundere's to pull mallets out of their mini-skirt pockets, Naruto's ramen soup came out in a bursting flood that couldn't possibly have fit inside the small bowl. But it did anyway.

Weird, speckled yellow green soup and yards of noodles flooded the whole plain of the Kazekage's tower, soaking and releasing the stick jutsu on its walls. Yards of explosions and traps were washed away, heating the ramen as it went. It swept past Gaara, who remained resolute, hacking at his finger.

But enough of that. More importantly, it swept over the pirate-ninja-samurai-zombies and, like the frozen hailstones of noodle soup that Naruto spat out, they reformed into civilians, knocked unconscious by the huge tidal wave of lamp-flavoured soup.

Why? Because everyone knows the cure to all of life's problems is lamp-flavoured ramen! As stated in the fore-shadow in the previous chapter, you fools!

…except getting your ass screwed by multiple finger-related jutsus, but that's not the point.

Temari and Shikamaru were soaked. But, when life gives you apples, you don't complain.

They were alive. They were safe.

Shikamaru felt a new hope. Anew Hope got pissed because he was feeling in all the wrong places and kicked him in the eye before storming off in stilettos.

"Shikamaru? What are you doing here?" called Naruto.

"Ambassador-ing," he muttered, rubbing his now bruised up eye. "I'm here to-" he blinked. "Wait. How did you get here?"

Naruto chuckled, "Eheh. It's a long story. You see, Kakashi kind of went nuts and booted me into the air. I think he's put too much chakra in or something, because I've been flying around everywhere. I swear, I got my butt booted-"

"You flew here?" demanded Shikamaru.

"Yeah, didn't you hear me?" asked Naruto, puzzled.

"You can fly... from Konoha... to Suna?" asked Shikamaru, feeling the seeds of a plan form inside his head.

"Well, if this isn't all a dream," muttered Naruto sourly. "I flew here. Twice."

Shikamaru didn't hear, too absorbed, too absorbed to escape, "I think the jutsu's lost all power now, anyway," said Naruto, glancing around himself as though he expected to rise into the air any minute. He shook his head and glanced at Temari, her bleeding hands, then winced.

"Shouldn't she be brought to a medic?" asked Naruto. Shikamaru put a finger to his lips, and crept closer, feeling shame sink into the pit of his stomach, outweighed by its worst enemy, necessity. Doing this was wrong. Unmanly. Cowardly. But he could think of no other way to escape. He crept closer.

"Shikamaru?" asked Temari. "Are we safe?" Shikamaru didn't respond and instead did the most sensible thing one does to appease a pissed kunoichi. He lowered his lips and kissed her.

She tasted like ramen noodles. He didn't blame her.

"You could have just told me you guys were dating!" exclaimed Naruto indignantly. Temari suddenly realised what was happening in her ramen-soaked induced daze, thanks to Naruto's voice. Oh no. Shikamaru did not just-

And then, while she was still shocked/swooning/pissed, he grabbed her purple moon fan from her grasp (damn, it was heavy), and ran for his life.

Literally.

_**"SHIKAMARU!"**_

Hoping, no, praying, he wouldn't die after how far he'd come, he copied the jutsu Temari had used earlier. "Float!" he cried swiftly forming the hand seals bull, boar, and rat. Last time, it hadn't worked. This time, however, he was using a fan especially made for wind jutsu, unlike the decorative one Temari had cast the jutsu on. And it worked. He leapt onto the fan as it soared into the air, and hoped against hope it would bring him to Konoha.

Temari gave an immutable cry of rage, and desperately cast a wind jutsu. However, without her battle fan, it was far weaker, and Shikamaru just barely managed to dart out of her clutches. Steaming (literally, since she was soaked with soup) and pissed, she turned to Naruto, who suddenly felt his inner alarm buzz threateningly.

"What are you doing here, pervert?" she snarled.

"Uh, I flew here?" asked Naruto timidly. Temari glared at him.

"What?" he demanded.

"Gaara's going to kill me!" shouted Temari. "You-you-you-"

Temari was lost for words, and her anger had robbed her of all coherencies.

"Me..." trailed of Naruto. "What about me?"

"BASTARD! The ambassador escaped because of you!"

"What? Shikamaru was ambassador?" he frowned, "What are you talking about? My ramen saved you!"

"Your ramen?" Temari laughed, a cold, chilling sound, "Rubbish."

"Yeah!" shouted Naruto. "Believe it!"

"I don't have to believe anything, asshole," snarled Temari, "I've just gotten beaten by civilians, force-kissed by a Konoha ninja, had my fan stolen from me, and gotten stuck to the wall of my brother's own tower. Not to mention I'm bleeding to death, and soaked by who-ever-knows-what."

"It's my ramen soup!" cried Naruto, "It's lamp-flavoured!"

"Lamp-flavoured," Temari snorted, "That doesn't even exist. Next thing you'll be saying is that God gave it to you."

"But it fell out of the sky!"

Temari ignored the ninja, who was obviously making up lies and excuses as fast as he could, "Not to mention my brother booted you out of here just a couple of hours ago, pervert."

Naruto opened his mouth to defend himself, when-

"Now, what was the jutsu that my brother used?"

He sweat dropped. No, please, no! He ran, but unfortunately, tripped over a rock, and lay, helpless, and screwed.

"**One Thousand Years of Death**!" Temari screamed, and Naruto, after his brief respite, was flying again, with his loudest howl yet.

And the rest, they say, is history.

* * *

And that concludes the final arc! Stay tuned for the next chapter…Ino's chapter!

Spoiler Ninja: -wake up to find themselves hanging from a tree…by their nose hairs-

KitKat 'n' Betty: :)

Universe: I hate you.

Betty: -smirk- Foiled again, hm?

Universe: -ignores her- The first chance I get, I'm outlawing the dues-ex-machina. -storms off-

Oh, and a BIG thank-you to all our reviewers, anonymous or otherwise!

And on that note, see you next week.


	15. NinjaVampireHideyholeSnake!

Hey, you all!

General Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOO! *throws apple peel*

KitKat: I'msorryplease_don'thurtme_-

_*is hurt despite her dissent*_

Anyway, we have not updated in a few months, purely KitKat's fault (which it is) and in an attempt for redemption, we will update within the month! We swear!

...

This chapter is a continuation of Chapter 12 in Jiraiya's perspective, so yeah. Here's a disclaimer to sate your hunger for disclaimers.

**Disclaimer:**

Betty: So...really, who should we abuse today?

(Remember, kids, abuse is good!)

KitKat: How about Physics, since we abused him so much in this fic as well?

Betty: ...but shouldn't we be redempting (redempt? is that even a word?) ourselves by ignoring him for the rest of our short pathetic lives as fanfiction writers to give him a period of rest in his miserable existence before scientists completely reform his whole being again?

KitKat: No, silly, we should redempt ourselves by using him in a disclaimer so he feel as if he can have a reason to sue us for royalties, despite the fact that I would beat anyone's pasty white ass in court.

Betty: ...I'm just going to accept your flawed, pitiable logic and summon the damned asshole.

_LAW OF PHYSICS, I CHOOSE YOOOOUUU!_

Law of Physics: WHAT? YOU ABUSE ME IN YOUR LOWLY **SHIT** YOU CALL FANFICTION BY FORCING ME TO ACCEPT A PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A BLACK HOLE TO EXIST IN YOUR SILLY UNIVERSE, ALLOWING HIM TO ACTUALLY MOVE MORE THAN 1CM PER CENTURY, NOT EVEN BOTHERING TO HONOUR ME IN ANY OF YOUR HONOUR LISTS, AND YOU WANT ME TO ANNOUNCE YOUR INABILITY TO WRITE ACTUAL _CANON_ FOR ONCE _AS WELL_?

KitKat: C'mon, Pete's a cool guy.

Physics: He moves around for crying out loud!

Betty: How about for royalties?

Physics: You don't even earn a fucking cent from this fanfiction. You're either lying or you're delusional. In fact, you make negative profit from this, if you count the money it costs to run the computer for the time it takes for you to type up a chapter, which actually took you a damned four months.

KitKat: I'm a slow typer!

Physics: You type one letter per fucking hour. Admit it.

KitKat: I- I'm sorry...

Physics: That's right, bitch. Now where was I? Oh, yeah. It costs you money to make something, and you don't even sell it. That means your profit is negative. Which means the royalties you're offering to me are basically a portion of your bill you're trying to foot off. Am I right?

Betty: How did you-

Physics: I'm a god-damned God, what the hell do you expect?

KitKat: Did you say you were a god?

Physics: Yes.

Betty: You're a...god? _*slow evil grin*_

Physics: Yeah, so?

KitKat 'n' Betty: _*slow evil smiles*_

Physics: ...I should be afraid, shouldn't I?

KitKat 'n' Betty: In five...four...three...two...one-

GOD THE ALMIGHTY TRINITY: BLASPHEMER! LIGHTNING FLASH POWER GOOO!

Physics: _*is electrocuted*_

KitKat 'n' Betty:_ *cackle* Now will you do our disclaimer?_

Physics: Yes-what-ever-you-want-masters. KitKat 'n' Betty-do-not-own-Naruto-or-any-other-of-Kishimoto's-creations. Also-KitKat-is-not-a-bitch-she-is-a-strangely-attractive-female.

Betty: ...um...

KitKat: I _am_ sexy, admit it.

Betty: *facepalm* I'm leaving.

KitKat: Good boy.

**Warning:** Abuse of Jiraiya, Jiraiya's body, Jiraiya's claustraphobia, Jiraiy's dignity, Jiraiy's pride, Jiraiya's- oh, screw it, you know we abused everything that you will read. If you are under the age of 56, you will get nightmares from the abuse have dished out. If older, you will wet your damned panties. The sexual references here will also make you cry, the references to Edward Cullen will make you either throw up or die in a fit of ecstasy, bla bla, this ficfantion will make you sick, blabla, was officially listed 2# for recommended effective ways of convincing yourself to commit suicide, etc, and so on for another whole paragraph.

So enjoy this fucking fanfiction or go to hell.

* * *

_"I fell do-oo-oo-oo-oowwn..."_

* * *

**_Where we left off last time..._**

_Temari ignored the ninja, who was obviously making up lies and excuses as fast as he could, "Not to mention my brother booted you out of here just a couple of hours ago, pervert."_

_Naruto opened his mouth to defend himself, when-_

_"Now, what was the jutsu that my brother used?"_

_He sweat dropped. No, please, no! He ran, but unfortunately, tripped over a rock, and lay, helpless, and screwed._

_"**One Thousand Years of Death**!" Temari screamed, and Naruto, after his brief respite, was flying again, with his loudest howl yet._

_And the rest, they say, is history._

* * *

For Jiraiya…well, it really all started when he had sneaked into Tsunade's tower for inspiration for his latest porn (ahem) erotic literature and, in his rush to leave, he left his manuscript there. But it really went downhill when he was swallowed by a giant hole in the ground while he was watching Tsunade from inside the female side of the bath-house, which he would have never been able to enter except that he had gone through a massive sparkly mirage portal. Not to mention the improbable fact that Tsunade was supposed to be at her office going over her contracts (not that he'd know, of course, because, while he was a lousy old hermit with no life, he wouldn't sink so low as to actually stalk his previous team-mate…his attractive, blonde-haired, largely-boobed- whoa, dangerous territory here…).

…now that he thought about it, it seemed so insane it couldn't have possibly been just coincidence, or even good ol' fate. No, evil forces were at work here. Someone, or _something_, had been behind all this…but what?

* * *

**Some Time Ago:**

As he previously (or, more like future-ly) noted, it really all went downhill once that giant black hole sucked him into the ground.

"Naaarrghh!" roared Jiraiya in a rather unmanly fashion as he thrashed around the black, thick, nauseatingly small hole, despite the fact that the mouth of the thing had been so _huge_, "Letmeoutletmeoutletme_Ican'tbreathe_-"

"Sure you can't. I suppose that's why I'm still in business and on high demand; because I strangle every one of my clients," the walls snarked around him, filling the thick, black, enclosed space with vibrations that made the black space feel even smaller, if that was even possible.

Jiraiya fought the urge to scream. He failed.

"AAARRGGGHHHH! Lemmeoutmeout_letme_-" he began kicking around the black space, but his legs and arms didn't even seem to touch anything except more black space, which really boggled his small insignificant mind because the space seemed _so small_-

"Oh, stop whining, you wimp, I just saved your sorry ass from being crushed by a marble pole," the walls snapped.

"Saved- I'm not a wimp!" Jiraiya rebuffed indignantly, "Who are you anyway? What jutsu is this? Who sent you to capture me? Because I swear, once I get my hands on him-"

"I'm a hidey-hole," the walls interrupted his vicious tirade, "You know, the hidey-hole that you summoned to help you, dumbass."

"What?" asked the confused ninja in...confusion. Pete sighed. If he had to explain who he was and why he was here one more time, he swore he would implode.

Then again, if he did implode, it would have a similar effect on the universe as a black hole imploding, and Physics would be thrown out of the metaphorical window. And he liked to keep good relations with Physics. The only reason he was allowed to exist in the 3rd Dimension was because Physics had the decency and good humour to turn a blind eye.)

He sighed again. "_It'll be amazing coverage_," they said. "_Yellow Pages are distributed to every person existent_," they said. "_Yes, even ninjas_," they said. Ugh. It was the last time he would ever listen to Yellow Pages telemarketers again.

"Oh no, I wish the ground would swallow me up," recited Pete, "I wish that I was far, far away, so Tsunade wouldn't be able to see me hiding behind this flimsy bush watching her bathe while she should be in Chapter 10. Though I wouldn't mind if she found me attractive; then I'd get laid. Then I'd be able to lose my virginity to her and her boobs- ooh, her boobs look especially large today-"

"Okay, I get it!" snapped Jiraiya, perhaps a bit too hurriedly. He was glad it was dark, because otherwise the mysterious stranger/ 'hidey-hole' would see the incriminating flush on his cheeks. Of course, Pete worked it out anyway.

"You obviously don't, otherwise you would be calm now, whereas you're still panicking like the wimp you are," Pete said smugly.

"I'm not a wimp!" Jiraiya snapped back.

"Ooh, really?"

Suddenly, a torrent of sausage shaped, wet thingies rained down onto him from who knows where.

"What the fuck was that?" he demanded, even as his hair reflexively wrapped around him in a cocoon of...hair and raised itself into wicked spikes. The sound of a silly number of leeches being spiked into a silly number of kebabs ensued.

"Just checking," the leeches stopped raining and Jiraiya found it safe enough to release his hair, "You know."

"No, I don't know!" Jiraiya snapped, "What was that, a wimp test or something?"

"That's the theory, wimp," the hole rumbled.

"I'm not a wimp!" Jiraiya roared, "I just slaughtered your damned leeches!"

"Pfft. It takes more than an old shemale Rapunzel and a tub of hair gel to impress me," said the hole.

"Then- uuh!" Jiraiya grew tired of arguing with the hole's twisted logic and slumped down onto the non-existent ground. Needing to know that something was existent to keep his sanity, he gritted his teeth. He was having a conversation with a hole. The god-fucking absurdity of the situation was almost concussion worthy. His fainting, however, would only to garner more snarky comments, which was exactly what he didn't want.

"I'll tell you what," said Pete, "If you manage to prove to me that you are not a wimp, then I will help you."

"I don't need to prove anything," Jiraiya grumped, "Nor do I need help from a hole."

"It sure didn't seem like it when you were begging for the earth to swallow you up," said Pete with a smirk.

Jiraiya scowled, "It was figurative speech, you dumb hole. Can I leave now?"

"Fine, spoilsport," snorted Pete the hidey-hole, "There is only so much wimpiness I can take anyway."

And with that he vanished, leaving Jiraiya stuck one thousand feet beneath the floors of the bath house.

"Daarrgh-" he tried to scream, but earth flooded his mouth as he opened it, and the dirt and rock crushed his body.

_Help!_, he called in his mind desperately,_ Help, for Kami's sake!_

_I thought you didn't need help from a hole_, said Pete snidely.

_I wasn't being crushed by 500 million tonnes of dirt at that time_, Jiraiya snapped back.

_And yet_, thought the annoying voice of the hole_, I get to revel in your misery, while you, oh wimp, are surely dead._

_I am not a wimp!_, cried Jiraiya, _And you're just a hole!_

_And you wonder why I am not rescuing you, oh puny ninja-wimp? _

Jiraiya felt his body flop as it gave up on supporting the weight, and his bones felt like they were about to be crunched under the stress, and his lungs were screaming for air…then he could breathe again.

"Say thank you to Pete the hidey-hole," the hidey-hole paused in his gloating, "And kiss my feet."

"But you don't have feet," replied Jiraiya in confusion.

"Aah, too bad," commented Pete.

"And you were the one who left me under a billion tonnes of dirt anyway," grumbled the toad ninja.

"You were the one insisting that you weren't a wimp," said Pete, oozing an air of righteous indignation that nearly made Jiraiya choke, "What's a little dirt and dust?"

"Not over a tonne of it!" said Jiraiya.

"I'm perfectly fine," said Pete, "And I'm just a lowly hole."

"Exactly!" cried Jiraiya, "You're a hoe- hole!"

Pete blinked and a wave of impossibilities rushed by in the Laws of Physics' weakened state, caused by the utter impossibility of a black hole blinking, happened. An awkward turtle swam by. Internet Explorer loaded faster than Google Chrome. Trolls donated to charity. Encyclopaedia Dramatica used spellcheck. A dancing elephant managed to squeeze past the gap before LOTU's got a hold of himself.

The words left Jiraiya's mouth. Huh. Guess the door still wasn't closed properly.

"Still, the point remains," said Pete smugly, "If I release you, you'd die due to your blatant wimpiness."

"Just bring me to the surface!" cried Jiraiya, "I swear I'll be fine then!"

"As you wish," cackled the hidey-hole in a tone that set Jiraiya at unease. Jiraiya could feel a rushing sensation through his body, kind of like an elevator, which, of course, hadn't been invented yet, which was why nobody climbed to the top of the bigass Hokage Tower if they could help it. Unless it was in the name of porn, of course.

"There you go," said Pete smugly.

Surrounding Jiraiya was a forest. Of trees. Now, you'd think that being born in the Village Hidden in the Leaves would prepare him for the amazing fact that he was in such a forest (le gasp) but unfortunately, his tree recognising skills were pathetically lacking. However, somewhere _deep in his soul, _Jiraiya feltthat these trees were not normal trees.

Not to mention the fact that Jiraiya was originally in a bath house, not a fucking forest.

"Where am I now?"

"A place which should toughen you up quite nicely," Pete the hidey-hole cackled, "To be exact, the Amazon."

"What…what is the Amazon?" Jiraiya felt slightly overwhelmed.

"A place full of trees. And venomous snakes. And the occasional sparkly vampire." Jiraiya was clearly never going to get a straight answer out of him…it...whatever.

"But I don't even know the way back to Konoha!" said Jiraiya indignantly.

"You should've specified where you wanted to go," the hidey-hole smirked, teeth and all, and a raptor pirate ran from the scene, "But now, due to your stupidity and wimp factor, you're stuck in the jungle."

"But you put me here in the first place!" cried Jiraiya.

"Your point?"

Jiraiya slumped against a furry tree in annoyance. The furry tree ignored its urges to thrust.

"Besides, it's not like knowing how to get back to Konoha will help you in any shape or form," the hole beamed with innocent eyes and Borders heaved its final breath and died. Jiraiya frowned.

"What do you mean?" he asked. Pete heaved a sigh of air. Hermione's hair stayed flat, and just in time for the Yule Ball.

"Can you travel across dimensions? Or time, for that matter?" asked Pete.

"Probably not," said the old man, feeling a little stupid, since he was talking to the ground beneath them, "Wait, you mean…"

He stared at his surroundings for a good moment, then continued, "Don't tell me I'm in another- fucking SHIT!"

Jiraiya threw down his summoning scroll and jumped up and down in the adult version of a hissy fit, screaming the air out of his lungs.

"Sadly, yes. The third, to be exact," Pete replied smoothly as the toad ninja jumped up and down on the scroll which was, conveniently, unbreakable, and continued talking, "Oh well. It does a wimp good to manifest in a higher dimension."

By now, Jiraiya was hyperventilating and sweating his ninja clothes off, "You can't be serious! How am I supposed to go home?"

"Oh, no, I'm stuck in another dimension, whatever will I do?" Pete imitated, and then his voice grew annoyed, "You're a travelling hermit. You don't have a home. The laws of fiction forbid you to. If you have any worldly possession at all, they will be tied up in a blanket and hung off a long pointy stick. If you live anywhere, it will be a dingy deserted hut in the middle of nowhere that actually belongs to a goat herder."

"Is the goat herder a woman?" asked Jiraiya hopefully.

"No. Generally they are male. His name is Aberforth."

…grammar Nazis everywhere rage and commit genocide.

"Anyhow, I'd better get going now," Pete winked, and my grandmother stopped using Viagra, "People can only go insane if they are alone. Besides, I have things to do, uranium to collect…"

With that, the hole in the ground shrank till there was no hole at all, and Jiraiya was left alone and sad, and was abruptly swallowed by a giant snake.

The End.

(OR IZZ IT/]/? OmxozmwnOSNAA:oooo :O EDWADZ CIKKENS NSEXEETksdnf;wjfnwe)

* * *

**Sometime before:**

Edward Cullen was not a happy, sparkly, unshaven…wax figure thing. At all.

Earlier in the day, he had spent his waking life mobbed by a bunch of hyena-esque fangirls that tried to actually rape him, all the while trying to resist killing them and sucking their blood. Which was decidedly difficult; I mean, damn, his fictional portrayal waved off human blood with ease!

Then a bunch of witches-

(A.N. Hey!)

-had turned up and covered him with a vile-smelling liquid that was supposed to be a fangirl deterrent. Either they were lying, which was highly probable, or this was a very dedicated fangirl, which was also rather possible, assuming his shiny chest was as shiny in real life as it was in that Twilight-y book thingo.

Either way, Edward Cullen resolved to exercise more. Seriously, it was depressing to realise that even an asthmatic could keep up with him.

"Jaaameess!" the said asthmatic fangirl wheezed, "Come to Mama!"

Edward shuddered in horror, and ran faster, his legs even more of a blur before. This only served to make the fangirl onj, as if _the speed his legs were moving was turning her on._

"You don't have to pretend, James! I know it's yooouu!" she sing-songed in between her rasping wheezes.

"I'm Edward Cullen, you crazy bitch!" he screamed maniacally back.

"You don't need to hide from me!" she purred (although we do have to take 'purr' a little lightly…), "J-jaaames!" she finished.

Edward Cullen thought desperately, running at the speed of light as he sped around the Pacific Ocean, but this dogged fangirl hung on, impressively doing the impossible and walking –_running_- on water, like Jesus, except she was speeding, desperately trying to keep up with Edward Cullen, newly christened James. What gay-fuck was James anyway? Modern society these days…

When Edward's feet met land again, he sighed in relief, only to see the fangirl still chasing him on the water.

Edward "James" Cullen and the fangirl ended up running loops around America, until he was utterly exhausted and deprived of blood. Needless to say (but we'll say it anyway), the James fangirl met her demise as Edward Cullen's fragile self-control snapped. Of course, later Edward Cullen was left wondering what kind of masochist moaned while being drained of all their bodily fluids. It almost left him feeling dirty.

He sighed as she twitched pathetically on the floor, not noticing the fangirl being swallowed up by the ground behind him. Hopefully, his journey home would be considerably easier than his journey away from the crazy psycho-chick.

Unfortunately, once he reached the Amazon on his round-about way home, it didn't. After all, it would be so much less entertaining if it were easy.

So there was poor Edward Cullen, praying for a break, even as he cautiously explored the Amazon. Honestly, the stupidity of 2nd-dimensional characters these days…

Because, if you've read the past chapters, involving a particular radioactive gazelle, you should be able to predict what is going to happen. For the rest of you, we'll continue.

Lying in wait in various disguises like branches, trees, and Christopher Columbus, were tens of hundreds of _billions_ of snakes, all in perpetual heat, all keyed in for the scent of a worthy female. Which was, conveniently, one of the key ingredients of James' disgusting cologne.

Edward was screwed. In more ways than one.

* * *

Jiraiya shuddered as even through the chakra shield he had put up in reaction to being swallowed by what he deduced to be Orochimaru's venomous, chakra-awesome snake, a pungent smell pervaded his nostrils. He retched and could only stare as the vomit fizzled- (fizzled?) – in the stomach acid of the giant snake, without wondering how the fuck his vomit got out of his chakra shield when the stomach acids couldn't get in. With the predictability of an anime character that only fanfiction characters could reciprocate, he shuddered again.

_Screw getting laid_, Jiraiya thought_, Just let me please survive long enough to see Konoha again!_

* * *

Edward Cullen's wax-figurine nose twitched as he stepped deeper into the Amazonian Jungle. Something wasn't quite right. And, if it weren't for the fact that he was, well, deep in the Amazonian Jungle, from the rustling of the leaves around him, he would swear he was being stalked.

As if on cue, snakes, snakes of every size and shape and colour and religion seemed to fall on him from the canopy above.

"Naaarrghh! Damned Mexicans!" Edward Cullen screamed, ignoring the fact he was in Brazil. He let out a manly roar, causing fangirls around the world to faint for apparently no reason, and desperately tore at them. Lightning fast, bloody flesh, scale and bone rained down around him as his vampiric super-strength/speed kicked in, successfully causing 91 extinctions of local species of snake that did not assist with the balance of ecological systems within the area, not to mention the PETA welfare activists (not that those Canadian bastards do anything except harass Australians about sheep penises. Yes, we're Australian, dammit. And we kill sheep penises. Yes. Yes we do.).

But for every 91 species of snake that Edward Cullen wiped out, another 10,000 species rapidly evolved without the previous snakes' errors (except their misunderstanding that Edward Cullen was not a female snake, period) and poured onto the vampire's shiny face like confetti. Except this confetti wanted to, ahem, get into his pants.

So Edward Cullen did an insane thing that he would come to regret later (desperate measures, remember) that one would do when one is a vampire, and trying to avoid getting raped by all 10,000 (and counting) snake species in the Amazon.

He ate them. He ate them all. **And they tasted like chicken.**

So, entire snake population extinction aside, after several hours of eating…erm, snake, Edward Cullen lay on a nearby tree, trying to fend off indigestion. He would apologise to his handsome surrogate father for wrecking ecological balance later.

His thoughts were interrupted when a massive snake appeared, belly suspiciously swollen in the shape of a large, fat, old man. This snake, however, had the brains to work out that, no matter how sparkly or Gary-Stu this creature was, it was not a snake. And this snake was not into…erm, other species. However, the snake noted, it would make for an interesting snack. It sighed, and gazed back at its stomach, which seemed to have a case of indigestion, and at the aforementioned to-be digested unfortunate.

Edward Cullen gave a whine of displeasure suitable for a 4 year old, flexing his rock hard abs, and praying that he would not spontaneously combust from eating so much, flew onto the snake's face with magical stage-prop wires, and began to eat it. Stick with what works, right?

Super strength aside, trying to actually eat a massive, chakra-wielding, man (and vampire) eating, shape-shifting, dimension crossing, venomous snake was not smart. Especially when you counter the fact that the largest thing that Edward could take in one go was probably a dick, and this snake was definitely no dick.

Ergo, Edward was failing in his attempt to eat the giant…erm, snake.

So, in a massive act of desperation he would also regret later, the next time Edward Cullen sank his fangs into the massive snake, he zapped the motherfucker with a bucket-full of venom.

And the effect was instantaneous.

The snake started hissing like a science experiment gone wrong (which it was, actually, but that's another story) as the pain of the vampire venom began rushing through its…um, veins…and in its convulses of agony it flicked Edward Cullen's sorry arse to Mars. It would take a good part of the next century for him to putty his way back.

* * *

From inside the snake's stomach, Jiraiya had basically given up struggling to make the snake vomit him up. In fact, he had already started to make himself comfortable. The atmosphere was nice and toasty, with what looked like waterfalls (what he had convinced himself were waterfalls…waterfalls, fucking damn it!) trickling down the pink, soft walls that were warm and soft enough to sleep on. The heartbeat was a satisfactory musical replacement, and he could hum to it anytime he liked without having to ignore the other people chanting in the background.

Hell, he even had some porn in his pocket, and he had enough summoning paper on his scroll to write a whole novel. The only thing he was missing now was food, and when the snake got hungry, food enough would spray through the giant gullet.

Orochimaru liked his snakes, he reasoned. In the end, the snake would have to go back to its –and his- dimension, and the instant he heard his team-mate's god-damned "Ku-ku-ku", he'd grab his big-ass sword and slice his way through the stomach flesh and force his way out. Hell, maybe he might even cut the wanker of a team-mate's head off at the same time.

The plan, he agreed to himself, was fool-proof. I mean, honestly, there was no way the situation could get any worse. With a happy wriggle, he settled himself into a more comfortable position, checked over his mind-blowing defences against the snake's stomach acids and whipped out his porn, concluding that he, Jiraiya the Toad Sannin, was a genius.

…

Jiraiya was suddenly aware of the changes going on from inside of the snake's stomach, even as his struggled to stay out of its…erm, intestinal tracts. The soft pulses of the snake's heartbeat stopped. The walls of the stomach grew harder, but smoother, like glass, till Jiraiya had to find somewhere else to rest his head. The stomach acids turned an odd black, so much that it had a violet sheen. And the toasty warmth, the free air-conditioning, was gone. Gone!

The snake was turning into a vampire.

Cautiously, the dumb old man let down his defences and carefully dipped a toe into the black fluid. Maybe it was berry juice…

And at that moment, he felt the burning, god-fucking painful sensation of vampire venom and lost his balance, tumbling out of his hover head-first into the vampire venom, and screamed and howled as the venom wriggled through his pores into his blood-stream, decimating the rags of clothing he had left, feeling like thousands of needles were burning their way through every centimetre of his flesh. He tried to form a chakra shield, but it was too late! The venom was pumping into his heart and bodily organs and God. It. Hurt.

"Naaarrghh! Someone help me, for Kami's snake-sake! Kami! _KAMI!_" Jiraiya screamed he splashed around in the venom, the liquid seeping into his eyes and nostrils and mouth and…other orifices until he should've melted into a liquid form of his former self but didn't, because this was no ordinary venom.

He was only dimly aware when he slid, mercifully, into nothingness.

* * *

Yes, a cliff hanger. Oh, well.

Thank you for reading (if anyone is :D) and please take the time to critique! Thanks and goodbye for now!


	16. Rated X for Extreme

Hello there. This is Betty. Betty says hi. Audience flames Betty. Betty di-

On second thoughts, maybe not. So yes, as you have surmised, this is Kitkat's fellow author, Betty. Again.

Yes, I know. In fact, I know that you know that you know that I know that we both know that you prefer Kitkat's intros. Except you know, Kitkat is on a plane to China.

She betrayed us for the Communists. Yes. The communists. Suck on that bitches.

On a better note, I am starting a new fanfic. Yes. A new fanfic. How nice is that?

Okay, fine, updates might be slightly slower than usual, but-

Audience boos and throws tomatoes in Betty's direction

But really, you only have yourselves to blame. After all you never know when your reviews demanding updates might cause the exact opposite reaction, like unintended reverse psychology, because a certain not-so-nice author gets pissed. Like moi.

Okay, so maybe I accidentally deleted the most recent chapter by forgetting to save it. And because I was so sad at its unintended death I gleefully started a new fanfic to console myself.

**:Flashback: **

**Betty:** opens computer on a nice, sunny day, preparing to type up a new chapter of OTYOD, since Kitkat is currently performing at Hollywood and gaining even more fanboys

**Computer:** You have a new review.

**Betty:** _-now happily decides that she should post up within the week, as she loves reviews-_

**Review:** Update, you sonuva bitch!

**Betty:** glowers, before ohso-conveniently pressing the delete button, causing all progress on the new chapter to mysteriously disappear

**:End Flashback:**

Yes. As I said, you really only have yourselves to blame.

Oh, and by the way, the arc took steroids, so there's another chapter to go. At least.

Audience: Motherfu-

**Disclaimer:**

Betty: So, who todAY?

kITkAT: oH MY GOD, WHY ARE YOU TALKING LIKE THIS?

bETTY: sPEAK FOR YOURSELF. tYPIST PROBABLY HIT THE CAPS-LOCK BUTTON ACCIDENTLY, THE BITCH.

kITkAT: hEY, THAT'S MY 3D COUNTERPART YOU'RE TALKING TO.

(3D-cOUNTERPART: tHAT'S RIGHT!)

bETTY: eVER THOUGHT ABOUT TURNING OFF, GENIUS?

KitKat: ...

Betty: Good, my throat was getting sore. -rubs said throat- So, who today?

KitKat: Well, I think I see Pete crawling on the wall preparing kill us with a kunai, soo...

Betty:_ -evil grin-_

Pete: _-is pulled to the light-_ It's you two! You were the ones who coerced me into working in Konoha! That miserable excuse for a city, they're all wimps, all of them!

Betty: Oh, stop complaining-

Pete: Me? Stop complaining?

KitKat: Yeah, that's what she said, dear... I mean, I know you don't have ears, but you should be-

Pete: _-asian rage-_ You said I would get god damn coverage all over the god damned country! You said I'd be able to actually charge people to ride me!

Betty: We-

Pete: And I'm paying to give you this goddamned coverage.

KitKat: ...

Pete: So I'm broke. Oh, and by the way, someone hired me to kill you two, and I accepted because I'm broke. Nothing personal, but the least you can do is stand still.

Betty: Oh, no, PETA did not just-

Pete: How the hell did you-

Betty: Blame her._ -points out of the screen-_ She's the one typing this shit.

Pete: No wonder it's so bad.

KitKat: Well, Pete; if that is your real name! _-grabs Pete's collar-_ you go back to that PETA headquarters and tell them-

Pete: I have a collar- why do I have a collar?

Betty:_ -shrug-_ She's getting into it. She's probably going to evil laugh as well.

KitKat: I'm not finished!_ -grabs Pete's collar again-_ Go back and tell them, don't condemn us Australians for eating raw cow penises if -dramatically pauses-

Pete: ...

KitKat: -you Canadians haven't tried it before! AHHHAHAHAHAHAAA!

Pete: ...so, you want me to tell PETA to suck on a cow's penis?

KitKat: No! I meant-

Betty: No, no, it's exactly what she meant _-glares KitKat into silence-_ She also wants you to say our disclaimer for us. Now say it, before she runs this place over with a bulldozer.

Pete: Aren't you meant to be the insane one?

Betty: That was before she decided hypocritical humour was- -freezes- Say the disclaimer. Now.

Pete: KitKat 'n' Betty do not own Naruto or any other of Kishimoto's creations. _Now_ can I kill you?

Kitty: ARRRRRAARARARAR! _-runs over Pete with a bulldozer which actually kills him because we have the Laws of Physics in hostage! AHAHAHAHAAAA!-_

Betty: I liked you better when you were the sane one.

KitKat: Those were the days.

**Warning:**

Just check how wet those damned panties are. And _not_ in that way.

* * *

Now enjoy or go to hell.

* * *

_**Where we left off last time:**_

_Jiraiya was suddenly aware of the changes going on from inside of the snake's stomach, even as his struggled to stay out of its…erm, intestinal tracts. The soft pulses of the snake's heartbeat stopped. The walls of the stomach grew harder, but smoother, like glass, till Jiraiya had to find somewhere else to rest his head. The stomach acids turned an odd black, so much that it had a violet sheen. And the toasty warmth, the free air-conditioning, was gone. Gone!_

_The snake was turning into a vampire._

_Cautiously, the dumb old man let down his defences and carefully dipped a toe into the black fluid. Maybe it was berry juice…_

_And at that moment, he felt the burning, god-fucking painful sensation of vampire venom and lost his balance, tumbling out of his hover head-first into the vampire venom, and screamed and howled as the venom wriggled through his pores into his blood-stream, decimating the rags of clothing he had left, feeling like thousands of needles were burning their way through every centimetre of his flesh. He tried to form a chakra shield, but it was too late! The venom was pumping into his heart and bodily organs and God. It. Hurt._

_"Naaarrghh! Someone help me, for Kami's snake-sake! Kami! KAMI!" Jiraiya screamed he splashed around in the venom, the liquid seeping into his eyes and nostrils and mouth and…other orifices until he should've melted into a liquid form of his former self but didn't, because this was no ordinary venom._

_He was only dimly aware when he slid, mercifully, into nothingness._

* * *

**Sometime later:**

"Urgh…" Jiraiya groaned, feeling a familiar migraine-like sensation. Where was he? He faintly remembered his last few hours and dimly hoped that it had just been a hallucination from an overdose of alcohol. In fact, it was actually more likely so than not.

Okay, he told himself, I'm going to wake up, open my eyes to my normal bed in my normal room in my own dimension, and I'm going to turn my life around. No more alcohol and no more stalking. Just ninja-training and some porn-writing every now and then so I don't get mobbed by angry fans. Please, please, please…

He opened his eyes slowly and saw…pitch black darkness.

"Good morning, sunshine!" came the law-breaking voice of Pete the hidey-hole.

…_what Kami had forsaken him? WHAT DAMN KAMI HAD FORSAKEN-_

"Sorry if I intrude on what must be an intriguing monologue of self-help and epiphany," the hidey-hole sneered, "But honestly, I leave you in the Amazon for all of five minutes and you end up in the belly of a snake covered in glitter-gel?"

_**WHAT…FUCKING….KAMI…HAD…FORSAKEN?**_

"Why am I here now?" Jiraiya all but sobbed in his puddle of self-loathing and frustration that rivalled the time of self-loathing and frustration he had when he found that he couldn't masturbate one day for some strange reason, but really, didn't even come close.

The hidey-hole took the time to vomit at the thoughts in Jiraiya's rain that he was forced to hear (and smirk as the vomit hopped away in a flash of impossibility) and continued talking, "Because you summoned me again, dumb-ass. What is it with wimps and not remembering what they asked for?"

Jiraiya frowned, thinking back, "The only time I called for help was in the snake's stomach, and that was to Kami."

"Hey, I am of a higher dimension than you are," the hole pouted.

"If you're a god, then why did it take you so long to find me?" Jiraiya shot back.

The space seemed to shake, as if Pete was trembling with rage, "Wha wha wha? You've been lying on the Amazon ground floor for two days, and haven't been eaten or otherwise killed by anything, and have just been saved by yours truly, and you," he/it said, "Are complaining?"

"I- how did you know that I've been lying on the ground for two days if you weren't…" Jiraiya struggled to work the concept out and eventually gave up as he sensed Pete smirking (what he actually felt was the curving of his spine as he basically died, but anime characters don't die, especially anime characters appearing in their own chapter in a fanfiction).

"Anyway," Pete continued when his anger subsided, "I suppose it should've taken longer for you to transform, from my experience," he said, suddenly inexplicably becoming an expert on chakra genealogy, "But I suppose the chakra sped up the conversion, assuming it is as weak as I suspect it is."

Jiraiya took the time to digest this and erupted, "Transform? What transformation- have I turned into a snake or some shit now?"

"Check for yourself," Pete said contemptuously, "What, you took me for a mirror as well? You think I have eyes? Do I look like I have a body to you, hm?"

"No," Jiraiya replied, "But I can't see myself either.

"Damn you colour-blind savages," Pete mumbled under his breath, ignoring the giant mushroom that erupted somewhere 2000 miles above.

"B-but how could I be transformed?" stuttered the old man in disbelief, "All I did was be eaten by a giant snake-"

"Be glad you're not dead after being inside a giant snake," rebuffed Pete tiredly, "Jeez. I thought you wimps were at least sunshine vomiting optimists."

"This is insane!" screamed Jiraiya, "Impossible! I am a fucking shinobi! A toad summoner! A-"

"Wimp. A cross-dresser. A transsexual who wears glitter paint to sleep, we know, we know."

"I glitter," Jiraiya said, eye twitching, "I fucking glitter."

Pete's non-existent lips smirk, both in amusement and at a private joke, "Appropriate response, wimp."

His mind was too busy trying to collect the shattered pieces of calm, reasonable self to concoct a witty/aggravated reply. Instead, he felt the incoming rush of another hissy fit and pulled off his giant gourd. (Un)fortunately, the gourd disappeared into the nothingness effortlessly the first time he jumped on it. Darn it to heck.

"I glitter? Oh, this is just great!" Jiraiya broke down spectacularly, "How am I supposed to be stealthy now? People will see me from miles away!"

"You could be a glittery ninja," it paused, "No, you are a glittery ninja. I guess you'll just have to live with it. Besides, have you even seen yourself yet?"

"B-but that'll mean that- that I can't sneak into bath houses and perv- I mean, complete my missions!" Jiraiya had become hysterical during this outburst.

"Well, you can take joy in the fact that it can't be any worse than your previous appearance," commented Pete, wondering why he was playing nursemaid to this blubber of a wimp. Jiraiya only groaned, before continuing his rant, "What did I do to deserve this?"

(A.N: That is quickly becoming the catchphrase of every character in this fanfiction.)

Pete once again cursed his luck. Agreeing to license out of Rondo wasn't having the desired effect. He sighed, flicked the pot of gold out of his anti-matter, and effectively ignored Jiraiya's ranting. Nursemaid indeed.

* * *

**Several hours later:**

"And now how am I supposed to get laid now?" demanded Jiraiya. Pete didn't reply, cackling gleefully to himself as he watched a random pale human discover the radioactive waste he'd conveniently left behind in the fairly undisturbed area. Grinning as a gazelle randomly galloped to the near vicinity, he decided he had used enough time goggling at strange old men and decided to pay attention to the screaming ninja inside of him. Once, he forgot about a customer for a few years and only realized he was dead because when he spoke, all the flies for kilometres would jump straight into his mouth.

"Did you even hear a word of what I said?" asked Jiraiya indignantly.

Pete shrugged, blowing the strange girl as a peace treaty out of his body (he was getting heavy anyway), then continued, "Since you clearly have fully recovered, where do you want to go?"

"Home! I want to go back to Konoha, hole," Jiraiya cried almost immediately.

Oh well. He was getting boring anyway, "Home? Why didn't you say so before?"

Jiraiya blinked as he felt the hole ascending at 45 degree angle at a very fast pace and gaped as he found himself in an empty training field, "B-but-"

But the hole vanished, and Jiraiya was left to mull over things with his little insignificant brain. Little did he know that he was currently in the Village of Sound. If he had, he probably could have killed Orochimaru (distracted as the snake ninja was by the uranium), completely destroyed Sound and prevented the whole Sasuke-ditches-Konoha fiasco. Unfortunately, Jiraiya's mind was distracted by... less than innocent things.

Like, oh, you know, the convenient bathhouse that shimmered to life in front of his eyes.

(A.N: Betty: Yeah. Ha. Heh. We are using that too much, aren't we?

Kitkat (innocently): I don't know what you're talk about, dearie. –smiles in provocative manner that draws in a harem of guys-

Harem of guys: _-slam into Betty's personal bubble of aggression, which has a convenient 2m radius-_

Betty: ... )

He began to run, chasing the bathhouse with an extreme speed that should have caused him to disintegrate into a bunch of goo. But his awesome vampiric-ness prevented that unfortunate event from happening, so he streaked across the Land of Sound, with the speed of a comet running away from the big, scary, black hole of doom down the path of the Milky Way towards K- An insignificant blue little planet named EARTH, drawn in by the orbiting round moon with its soft, pale curves and it's large, awe-inspiring boobs-

Craters! We meant craters! _Damn you, Jiraiya._

Back on topic, Jiraiya streaked past the Sound Four with a speed so fast they the only thing they noticed was the mysterious sound of tinkling glitter that sounded eerily similar to the sound effects of Edward Cullen's chest. He whipped through the forest surrounding Konoha, which was conveniently NOT called the Amazon, and finally arrived at the gates of Konoha without even a hair out of place. He strode to the village gates, unaware of the many stares he received from various ninja/hunter nin who were waiting nearby.

"He's not in the bingo book," Jiraiya heard dubious voices. "I guess we should let him in…"

"But what if he's an ambassador from one of those minor villages?

"Damn that Jiraiya. I bet he doesn't even spend time gathering info on those 'missions' he goes on. There could another genetic mutation of kekkei genkai in Kirigakure, and we wouldn't even know."

Jiraiya glanced around and snarled. Konoha's intelligence system was perfectly fine and if they thought it was easy to try and infiltrate the other Hidden Villages (ignoring the fact that Pete had accidentally provided him with the perfect chance to spy on Sound), let alone Akatsuki, they should think again.

And by think again, he meant, get their dicks cut off and fed to the SATMs lurking around Kumo (after they had finished terrorising the Japanese school girls that lurked around there as well). And Jiraiya was perfectly happy to implement that through a very painful and physical means.

But looking around, he realised that he could not see anything. He strode to the large gates, brushing away any lingering feelings of paranoia and grasped all the residual courage in his soul. After all, he had accidentally ruined Tsunade's bath house by smashing an important structural beam while perving on aforementioned Hokage.

And as you know, pissed Tsunade as Hokage = Jiraiya in hospital. It didn't even matter whether it was his fault in the first place (though he selectively forgot that it was usually his fault) or not, he was beaten.

The two chuunin manning the towers, Kotetsu and Izumo were currently lulzing over a new radical discovery, namely the internet. This was despite the fact that computers in the Naruto universe were supposedly only 8 bits in capacity, and were only dial up.

Jiraiya was about to walk through the gates unscathed & unnoticed, when-

"NOOO!" cried the two Chuunin as they were rick-rolled. Filled with irrevocable anger and aggravation, they turned to look for a victim to plaster their insatiable rage and virgin frustration and spotted eerily sparkling sixpack (vampire, remember?) chest of vampiric Jiraiya trying to enter the gates unscathed and unnoticed, not necessarily in that order of importance.

"What is your business coming here?" asked Kotetsu.

"I'm here to meet Tsun-" since he was probably going to be hung, drawn and quartered if he did not at least make an effort to redeem himself, he switched to more formal wording, "-hokage-sama."

Izumo turned to Kotetsu, "What kind of ambassadors are they sending these days? It seems as though any random idiot who can open their mouth is given an ambassadorial position."

Kotetsu snorted, and both of them chose to ignore the fact that their Hokage was guilty for this too. Shikamaru, anyone?

"Where's your passport, anyway?" Passport? It was at this moment that Jiraiya suddenly began to realise the full consequences of his supposed, 'transformed and glittery' body. He glanced down at himself and swore violently. He was naked. Stark naked. How the hell had he lost all of his clothes?

(A.N. Vampiric snake venom, in the previous chapter. Remember?)

The guards at the gate eyed him bemusedly. "Oh, just let me in, will you?" growled Jiraiya in vampire form.

"You need a passport," repeated Izumo at the top of the tower. "Go home, will you? We have enough budding homosexuals in here."

"I'm Jiraiya!" burst out Jiraiya angrily, completely ignoring the fact that his new form had, well, abs. And biceps. And glitter. "And I'm not gay!"

"Then what are you? Bi?" snorted Kotetsu, who had pulled out a kunai from his hip pocket.

"I'm Jiraiya!"

"Avoiding asperations cast on your sexuality, are you?" taunted Izumo. Before Jiraiya could retaliate, the gates suddenly began to open. He had a bad feeling now, considering the smirks that Izumo and Kotetsu wore.

"Team 4 is on an A rank mission to bring peace to the Land of Claw!" Konohamaru's preteen voice rang out through the air. Jiraiya swallowed.

"Really?" asked Izumo and Kotetsu dubiously, now completely ignoring Jiraiya.

"Yes…" Jiraiya heard the low warning voice of Ebisu. "Now would you please open the gate?"

"I suppose we can. Oi, Jiraiya-sama!" called out Kotetsu suddenly.

"Yes?" asked Jiraiya, calling back up, but nobody seemed to have heard him as another person answered.

"What?" replied a strangely familiar voice of a grumpy old man from over the other side of the gate. Jiraiya's jaw dropped as he saw a man that was practically identical to him walking through the gates. He glanced down at his glittery palms. Or, in this case, even more identical to him than he was.

"This guy said that he was you," said Izumo with a scornful laugh. "Take a look."

Vampiric Jiraiya wondered what the hell was going on, and a felt a very vague sense of déjà vu. Then it dawned on him: this was his other self, going on a mission to retrieve his porn, which had occurred just this morning...no-

"Thanks for the compliment," other-Jiraiya's voice ended with a perverted chuckle that sounded rather perverted and almost pedo- no wonder girls ran away from what he thought was a fairly charming and suave chuckle, "You might want to get some clothes on, by the way."

The current Jiraiya felt a surge in bloodlust, countered by the fact that his other self's hand was old and wrinkled and disgustingly flabby.

When the other Jiraiya left, the guards began to close the gates.

"_**NOOOOOOOOO! YOOOU HIIIDEEEY-HOOOLEE SCUUUUUUMM!"**_ roared Jiraiya. "_**Let me I-IIIIIIIIINN**_**!**" Just as the doors slammed shut Jiraiya charged through, causing a massive explosion and a huge hole in the gates, which collapsed on their hinges.

"Code Red alert! Code Red Alert!"

Jiraiya saw the ANBU suddenly flash towards him, and he roared, tearing at them, bloodlust spiking painfully high as he fought them off with slight difficulty.

This was turning out the be the worst day Jiraiya had lived in his life. Or multiple lives, as the case seemed to be.

* * *

**Meanwhile:**

"Ow…" Naruto skidded forward with a spectacular fountain of dirt spraying beside and behind him, as he landed on ground. He flinched instinctively as he realised something. The field he had landed in was completely empty, apart from him. There were no people around. There were no exploding buildings, angry animals, or any of the like. He was alone. Completely alone. And for the first time in his life, he enjoyed this solitary sensation.

"Oh, solid ground, how I have missed you so!" Naruto kneeled onto the ground, and began to kiss it, streaming anime tears of joy as he did so.

As he and the ground continued their passionate reunion-

(A.N: Ground: Hey, I take offence to that! Do you know what it feels like to have ramen-flavoured saliva dripping all over you?

KitKat 'n' Betty: Yes.

Ground: Oh.)

Naruto was suddenly aware of a sliding hissing noise behind him. The snake, which had swallowed Jiraiya, then tried to eat Edward Cullen (not that he knew that) was hissing behind him, ready to strike.

"No! Pleasepleasepleaseplease spare me! I don't wanna die!" Naruto's anime tears of joy then proceeded to transform into anime tears of utter sadness.

Just as the snake lunged, however, the world turned black. Literally.

* * *

**Meanwhile:**

Jiraiya had run off to the hotsprings. Yes, the hotsprings. Aren't we original?

However, contrary to what you might have thought, he wasn't perving on naked ladies (for once). Instead, he was staring at his own rippling reflection, ignoring the fact that steam was rising into his face. And by steam, we mean the kind that causes second degree burns.

Of course, the ineffectiveness of the steam to get any reaction out of him whatsoever might have had something to do with the fact that, uh, he was a vampire.

Glitter? Well, Pete was being honest about one thing. Check.

Abs? Check. Jiraiya stared in shock at his naked form.

Biceps. Yes. Damn.

Well, at least his dick was still in place even if it glittered._** GLITTERED!**_

Jiraiya was about to break down and sob spectacularly, when he saw... Iruka... and Anko... both running away from the bathhouse, as it began to crumble. Then he remembered he had destroyed the bathhouse, on an earlier day, well, same day, just earlier. Urgh. Stupid time loop travelling.

If he was right, then, this was the time his other self had appeared in the bathhouse and destroyed it before being sucked in by the black hole. Which meant that...

"Ah!" A stampede of naked ladies ran out of the bathhouse, censor steam barely managing to keep up with the massive crowd.

However, even censor steam could not dilute the smell of human from Vampiric Jiraiya's nose.

Jiraiya was about to charge and feast his vampiric stomach out on the crowd, but then suddenly his perverse lust at seeing naked ladies started to emerge.

And then he stood, painfully frozen. X-rated fantasies danced in front of his eyes while R-rated, deliciously bloody smells filled his nostrils.

Blood rushed to two places in his body, his nostrils, and that other area. You know. Or it should have, anyway.

Unfortunately though, vampires didn't have blood, so, for the first time in his life, Jiraiya found himself unable to either nosebleed (like a normal pervert in anime would have) nor sustain an erection.

(A.N. Betty: But- but, Edward Cullen had to shag Bella Swan somehow...

Kitkat: Then how did he get a damn erection? Explain that! Huh? Huh?

Betty: ...Maybe his dick was filled with... venom?

_-awkwardness fills the room-_

_-awkwardness is offended-_

Kitkat: _-in low pedo voice-_ C'mon my dear little Bella Swan... don't you like my snake? It's scales are sparkly... and we all know how much you love sparkles... come on, climb into my white BMW van... Don't you want to touch it? It likes you, see? It's growing bigger... and it's venomous too...heh heh... venomous snake... geddit? geddit?

Betty: ...oh wow, when you put it like that... wow.)

Back on topic, Jiraiya was staring at the crowd of naked females with a warring look of bloodlust and horniness in his eyes.

So all of you faithful twilight readers must be thinking at this point: 'Why hasn't Jiraiya killed any of the people around him yet?' (sane) and 'Stop bashing teh Edward Culenz! Ur so meen, u evil Biaches!' (insane)

So we'll answer both.

This particular Jiraiya, at this moment in time was a vampire-chakra-snake hybrid. Because when Edward Cullen bit the snake that swallowed Jiraiya two days forward in the time loop, all the liquid in the snake's body turned to venom. Including it's stomach acids. But since it's stomach acids were, at the time, digesting Jiraiya (or attempting to), it managed to penetrate his skin and affect him as well. But because of his chakra, the vampire venom was weakened, thus causing his bloodlust to be weakened as well.

And you see, when someone turns into a vampire, apart from becoming sparkly, superstrong, and superfast, the most prominent character aspect of the now-vampire becomes magnified. Which, if you think about it, is just an excuse for creating flat, static, stereotypical characters. And which part of Jiraiya do you think, would have been magnified by the vampiric venom, our wise readers?

That's right. His horniness and perversion was had literally grown to epic proportions, enough to rival with his want for blood.

Which was why Jiraiya was currently stuck in the painful situation of not being able to satisfy both. Not counting S&M, of course, but it wasn't as though his currently naked body could hold chains and whips (unlike the skirt pocket mallets of anime).

Jiraiya reached into his thick, now supermodel-luscious yet overly spiked hair, and pulled out... a pair of hand cuffs.

...

Oh wow.

...

(A.N. Quick! We need an intervention! This is a T rated fic, and we'd like to keep it that way!)

So, just in time on the scene, an unruffled Kakashi, stepped in on the scene. Giggling as he closed the book, he suddenly noticed the sound of craven lustful giggling that emitted from the air around him.

Huh. Kakashi shrugged and kept on walking. This situation would still have become X rated, if not for several facts.

If you recall, in the previous chapter, Jiraiya, had attempted to summon Gamabunta into the Amazon (which hadn't worked because, well, he was in an alternate universe, and Orochimaru's snake had travelled via Pete), but instead of exploding the snake he was currently in, the toad had arrived at the projected spot where he had disappeared and crushed the bathhouse.

And this Jiraiya was about to face the consequences for that action.

And he did.

"Aargh!" in dramatic slowmo, a giant toad landed on the exact place that Pete had disappeared from, crushed the bathhouse in a spectacularly destructive fashion, and then glanced around at the milling humans.

"Where is that bloody Jiraiya!" Aforementioned Jiraiya stared, jaw agape.

"I didn't summon you!" said Jiraiya in furious indignation.

* * *

**:Flashback:**

Jiraiya slammed his hand onto the snake's stomach, and attempted to summon Gamabunta. After all, if Orochimaru's snakes could travel across dimensions, surely his toads could as well.

Of course, he was working on the assumption that it had been Orochimaru had summoned his snakes here. If Jiraiya had thought hard enough however, he would have realised that was impossible. Even if you assumed summoning could enable animals to cross dimensions -which it couldn't- a summoner must be where he wants his summon to appear. In other words, for Orochimaru's Giant snake to have been summoned here, Orochimaru must have been here as well. Which he wasn't, as Orochimaru made it a point to make sure he wasn't swallowed up by random holes before he acheived immortality.

(A.N. Hey, wait, what? Why is our explanation in the flashback anyway? Characters can't flashback on narrator infodumps they don't know about! This makes no sense!

The Time Continuum: And that's why you don't screw with me, bitches.)

Jiraiya slammed his hand onto the stomach of the snake, hoping that he had summoned Gamabunta, and his summon was still carrying its sword.

"Summoning no jutsu!"

Jiraiya waited... and waited... and waited... and waited...and then gave up.

**:End Flashback:**

* * *

"Of course you aren't my summoner," scoffed Gamabunta, completely contradicting Jiraiya's flashback. "I don't allow sparkly pansy wimps to even come anywhere near my summoning contract."

He resheathed his sword and crushed the remains of Tsunade's bathhouse (which had already been destroyed by Jiraiya slamming his forehead into a structural beam, anyway) into pearl dust and catnip.

Remember the catnip.

As Gamabunta vanished with a 'poof', Kakashi was sizing Jiraiya up. He had a strange feeling that he was supposed to be... convicting him... or capturing him... or something...

* * *

**:Flashback-Kakashi style-:**

Izumo: And this massive sparkly man, just crashed through our gates! And he was posing as Jiraiya of the Sannin!

Kotetsu: And we, really, really, need to get him, otherwise Ibiki will have our hides!

Kakashi: -_giggles at pornahem, erotic fiction- _Ah. Sure. Whatever.

_-leaves, giggling-_

Izumo and Kotetsu_: -blink-_

**:End Flashback:**

* * *

_Nah_, thought Kakashi, _I mean, why on earth would I need to convict him? I mean, it's not as though he broke the gates and caused a massive lockdown of Konoha-_

Red sirens went off near the bathhouse, and oddly enough, the rest of Konoha. Kakashi blinked. What a coincidence.

Wait a second...

"You are under arrest," said Kakashi, one eye on his porn book, one hand jabbing a kunai in Jiraiya's vague direction.

Jiraiya snorted. Kakashi went back to giggling at his porn like a schoolgirl. Thank god I wrote Icha Icha, thought Jiraiya, all thoughts of losing his virginity gone as he attempted to edge away, before breaking into a run the speed of light.

Only to find himself running into Kakashi as Kakashi lazily teleported straight in front of him. "Rule one of superspeed: Never run in straight lines," intoned Kakashi.

Jiraiya swore, then backtracked before slumping in pain. "Rule two: Never travel faster than the speed of light." Kakashi tucked his porn book into his pocket, and attempted to strike Jiraiya in the back of the neck.

Jiraiya had vanished now, and flipped through a set of handsigns so fast his fingers were a blur. Not that it hulped, as his chakra was currently engaged in fighting the vampire venom that had all but taken over his body. He dodged around Kakashi and swung his fist to knock him out, but then suddenly the world shimmered and faded as he glanced into Kakashi's mangekyo eye.

"Tsukiyomi!"

The black-red world around him seemed to boom with Kakashi's voice. "Rule three: When in doubt, use genjutsu."

Kakashi laughed, and then contemplated suitable forms of torture.

Being boiled in oil? Nah.

Being forcefed to Kisame's sword? Nah.

Being mauled by a godly Tora the size of the Hokage's tower? Tempting...but then, the simplest was always the best. And a being beaten bloody by piss-drunk Hokage named Tsunade was always a rather simple concept. So the illusionary/mental form of Kakashi morphed into a staggering, drunk Tsunade, and proceeded to beat Jiraiya up.

Kakashi, several minutes into said beating up, began to get the feeling that he was doing something wrong. As in, really wrong, as the sparkly stranger looked like he was in a state of bliss.

This wasn't right. What was wrong with this victim? Who would enjoy having skull-crushing, disability inducing punches being loaded on them at a super fast rate? At best he was masochistic. But then, that wasn't saying much. But at worst... Kakashi gulped as something occurred to him. What if his opponent was...too kinky to torture?

This revelation came just as the sparkly man lunged at him. And grinned. Before pulling out a pair of handcuffs.

Kakashi henged asTsunade's mouth opened in a silent scream. He desperately tried to dispel the Tsukyomi, but unfortunately, Jiraiya's vampiric venom was screwing with the chakra in the jutsu. The Tsukyomi naturally released itself in three seconds- he remembered with relief. Before he remembered The Law of Spacetime Jutsu, anyway.

'One second in the real world is internally equivalent to 24 hours in the mind.'

Oh crap.

* * *

And that's a cut. See you in a week. And by week we mean when you're fifty.

Audience: _**Motherfu-**_


	17. The Idiot's Guide to Getting Laid

Just a quick note here: we've updated the first chapter with a whole new range of events which we hope makes Kakashi's action a little more excusable, and a little less like child abuse. You know, for those sensitive people out there.

-cough-

Okay fine, it was more because since all the other characters were tortured to such extremes compared to earlier chapters, so, really, it would be unfair to let the earlier characters off the hook.

And I (Betty) will probably be assumedly starting a new account. However, the style of fics are going to be far more... sane, for one, so you may not like it. Think Horizon sort of fics. Except less depressing, less introspective and a whole lot more exciting (or so I hope).

Kitkat will not be editing them, so it's a chance to practise my own editorial skills (Kitkat's being far superior and such) for my own good. And I don't trust Kitkat not to edit my fics. She just can't not edit, really.

Pfft.

Anyways, on to the usual...

Disclaimer:

Betty: You know, we really were planning to put you as a stakeholder for the last chapter, you know. It's just... that, you know, we really wanted to have you for the finale...

Kitkat: Plus, we figured Pete deserved some down time too. He's from the Key to Rondo, by the way. Well, his species, anyway.

Jiraiya: You mean, you lobbed him out of his own universe just to torture me?

Betty: *cackle* Would it surprise you if we did?

Kitkat: I see we've switched back to our usual personas. Huh.

Betty: Well, you don't pull off insane, evil lunatic the way I do.

Kitkat: Backhanded compliment? Or a really weird insult?

Jiraiya: I'm naked for the whole damn chapter! You'll be scarring your reader's minds!

Kitkat: Well, we used to put up giant paragraphs of warnings, but then we realised that people just skipped them.

Betty: Never fear people! He's an attractive vampire-ninja currently, so think of it as unwrapped eye candy. Ahaha, unwrapped! Get it?

Kitkat: I'm the one that's supposed to do the lame puns here!

Jiraiya: Are you even listening to me?

Betty: But really, we only brought in Pete because we needed a patch for the giant, gaping plot holes in our fic that couldn't just be dismissed with lampshade hanging.

Kitkat: Ah. Right. Do we as of yet have an explanation as to why Naruto can fly through the air for hours at a time?

Betty: I'll figure it out eventually.

Jiraiya: Just let me out of here!

Kitkat: Then do our disclaimer, oh Great and Gallant Jiraiya! –flutters eyelashes-

Betty: Since when did we portray you as a fast and loose ditz?

Kitkat: Since I ran out of cookies.

Betty: You RAN OUT OF COOKIES?

Kitkat: Many chapters ago.

Betty: No wonder this fic is becoming so twisted.

Jiraiya: ! Can I go now?

Kitkat: Huh. And we didn't even have to prompt him.

Betty: ...

* * *

Three seconds/ Seventy-Two Hours Later:

Kakashi stumbled away, thoroughly traumatised. How- what- why... his brain reeled. He felt as though someone had poured acid into his eye sockets. His nerves burned. He was NEVER henging as Tsunade again.

Ever.

The sparkly man was going to pay. The naked ladies in the bathhouse were having other ideas, though.

Kakashi inwardly groaned. Now he had to fight a horde of attractive naked ladies whom wanted to do ...things... with the man he was capturing? The man whom had just mind-raped him in a genjutsu that he had established? What the hell was wrong with Konoha today?

(A.N. Everything, my dear. Everything! Muahaha!)

Sometime later:

Kakashi panted as he finally made it to the Hokage's Tower while playing tug-of-war with a horde of naked ladies with vampiric-Jiraiya's unconcious body as a rope.

It was a miracle that he even made it up the stairs.

"Need help?" asked Shizune, who had mysteriously recovered from her drunkenness from several chapters prior, before reeling back from the sheer crowd of naked women, grasping and pulling on some sparkly man's legs.

This was odd enough, but the fact that the man was naked was just ridiculous. While they had hissed like angry cats toward Kakashi, the way they sprung on Shizune broke a record on how insane fangirls (or in this case women) could be.

"Ah!" Shizune dodged. This was NOT what she was expecting. "Kakashi! Duck!" she commanded, before blowing a stream of purple anaesthetic gas into the air.

It did the trick, as Kakashi threw himself onto the floor, and throughout the Hokage Tower, one could hear the slam-slam-slam-slam-slam of bodies falling unconscious, like the sound of toppling dominoes.

Shizune then cast a nullifying jutsu, and the purple smoke still lingering in the air flamed into ash. "Why did you bring along a naked man and a bunch of civilian women?" asked Shizune coolly. "Do you know how much paperwork that means?"

"Doesn't the Hokage do all the paperwork?" asked Kakashi.

"So guess who has to hide all her alcohol, destroy all her secret stashes, and catch all the idiots who breaking the damn S-class law and peddling our Hokage sake." growled Shizune.

Kakashi sweat dropped. "Uh, anyway, um, this person managed to break through the gates."

Shizune raised an eyebrow. "The whole of Konoha was put in lockdown because of this one man?"

"I didn't instigate it. I simply found him," replied Kakashi diplomatically... sort of.

Shizune sighed. "And the naked ladies?"

"They wanted to..." How to put 'have hot, harem sex' politely? "Jump him."

Shizune's eye began to twitch. "So you abducted this man just as he was getting laid?" God, she needed a LONG holiday. Preferably now.

"He matches the description I was given. Naked and sparkly."

"And you never thought he was naked because he was being jumped?" Shizune's voice now had a rather threatening quality.

Kakashi shrugged. "How many sparkly people do you see in Konoha? It practically screams, 'Homosexual I am'."

Shizune rubbed her temples. "How did you take him down anyway?"

At this question, Kakashi sidled away. "Eheh..." He disappeared in a poof of smoke. Admitting he was mind-raped in the midst of his own jutsu? Not cool. So Shizune was left staring at the unconscious body flopped onto the floor.

She sighed and blew out a stream of anaesthetic over his prone body, and reached the stairs. Time to deal with all the naked civilian women piling up on her staircase. Stick with what works, right?

Instead of rendering him in comatose for two hours, however, the gas irritated Jiraiya's vampiric lungs and he awoke with a roar. It was then he realised where he was. The Hokage Tower. He spotted Shizune at the stairs. Finally! Someone that could get him out of this mess! Ignoring his bloodlust which had been dulled by the anaesthetic Shizune had spewed all over his face, he strode over.

"Where is your Hokage?" the strange man demanded. Her eyes widened with fear, as she took in the fact that, size wise, he was at least two heads taller than her and pure bulky muscle. The only way she could outmanoeuvre him (hopefully) was through speed.

"Who are you?" Shizune demanded, sliding across the room, subtly blocking the window, and saving it for her own escape route, should she need to.

"Jiraiya," said the sparkly man that was obviously NOT Jiraiya. On what had the person based their views of Jiraiya's appearance on? The man sighed. "Can I see Tsunade now? You see, I was transformed-"

Shizune took the opportunity to grab the senbon from the pockets beneath her robes, and swiftly lunged to the back of the attacker, and stabbed them into the back of his neck. There was a scraping sound as the points of the senbon slid across his neck like nails across marble, and bent. As in, literally bent.

And suddenly she felt his hands reach behind his back and grab her shoulders before throwing her over and slamming her onto the ground in front of him. Shizune twisted in midair, and shielded her hip with chakra just as she landed. As it was, she felt her whole right side bruise massively. She gulped. Had she not done that, her whole right hipbone would have shattered.

Crap. She sprung and blew poison mist into his face. This did not do much more than anger the stranger. She lunged at Tsunade's desk, grabbed the chair, and threw it at him. He casually raised a fist and it shattered upon contact with his hand. Well, crap.

She needed to get this on even skill grounds. Now. She summoned Katsaran (Katsuyu the Slug Princess' great granddaughter) and commanded, "Attack!" The slug was fairly slow moving, but managed to spit acid at vampiric-Jiraiya, causing the wooden floor beneath them to melt into goo. Jiraiya tried to retaliate by summoning Gamabunta, but again, his chakra was spent, fighting against the vampiric venom. IT took all of his dodging efforts now to keep the slug and Shizune at bay.

Finally, out of frustration, Jiraiya punched the slug, which was remarkably stupid, as the slug then sucked him in, fist first.

If he'd remembered the typical Frog-Snake-Slug arrangement, then he would have realised why the slug (weak and slow as it was compared to the frog) could overcome the snake. It was because of its awesome absorption skills. The intruder now dealt with, Shizune attempted to get at least some of the room in working order before Tsunade returned from her little 'stroll'.

Too late. A pissed and drunk (who the hell was still giving her alcohol anyway?) Tsunade carrying a sake bottle entered the room, and then frowned. Shizune froze and cursed inwardly, as even in her drunken state, the sight of a ruined room, half melted floorboard, shattered chair, and a slug containing a person was enough to send Tsunade into pissed-mode.

"I leave for a few minutes to relax-" If getting drunk counted as relaxing anyway, "-and I find the room destroyed!"

"I was dealing with an imposter of Jiraiya!" cried out Shizune. In the meanwhile Jiraiya was desperately trying to bite and claw his way out of the slug- not that it was working.

"Oh REALLY?" demanded Tsunade, her voice now wobbling dangerously in pitch. Shizune suddenly saw a waft of poisonous mist reach Tsunade's nostrils.

"No!" cried out Shizune. "Duck, Hokage-sama!" Her words, again, came too late as Tsunade thudded to the floor.

Shizune winced, then, ignoring the scuffling of a vampiric-ninja that was still currently stuck within a slug, and swiftly moved to purge the poison from Tsunade's lungs. Once all of it was gone, instead of keeling over from chakra overuse, she persevered.

After all, she had an opportunity to fix things up before Tsunade decided to explode. She quickly tidied up the office, regenerating the acid worn wood, quickly pulled up a new chair beside the redwood desk (which had mysteriously survived where everything else had not) and, as a calculated risk, smashed the sake bottle Tsunade had in her hand after force-feeding Tsunade some and spilling it over the floor.

Even unconscious, Tsunade readily gulped down the alcohol. When everything was finally done, and Shizune was panting in exhaustion, Tsunade stirred, and then frowned.

* * *

What the hell had just happened?

All she knew at that current moment was that the taste of sake was still fresh in her mouth, she had a splitting headache and- was that smashed sake bottles on the floor? As in, her PRECIOUS SAKE BOTTLES?

Her attention was then directed at Shizune, who said frantically, "Hokage-sama, this man broke into Konoha and the Hokage Tower!"

"What does that have to do with MY SAKE on the floor?" Tsunade slurred dangerously. Jeez, their Hokage really did have a one track mind.

It was at that moment that Jiraiya finally broke out of the slug, the super strong stomach/bodily acids failing to digest his vampiric cells. Oh crap. Shizune had been hoping that she wouldn't have to pull out the trump card she'd established roughly five minutes after she'd set it up.

"He smashed the bottles!" she accused, diving out of the way. Jiraiya's eyes, which had had turned black with bloodlust (twilight vampire, remember?) widened in fear.

Sake on the floor + Drunk and pissed Tsunade = Injured Jiraiya in hospital. And he couldn't even use his chakra now, for a peculiar reason that escaped him.

Tsunade's eyes widened. This man had smashed her sake bottles?

As in, the precious store that she had worked hard to gain- especially after Shizune and the council had all voted against her and made it an S-class law to ban her from drinking sake, buying sake, or gaining sake.

Of course, it wasn't as though they could actually subject her to capital punishment when they caught her drinking. Tsunade, was, after all, one of the most powerful people in Konoha. Any executioner trying to hang or chop Tsunade's neck would find himself punched off a cliff. Despite that, they were very successful in... disuading stores from letting her buy sake.

And by 'dissuading', Tsunade meant 'getting ANBU to scare the crap out of while revoking licenses.'

A fury rose in her. With a crazed, drunken roar, she strode over and flicked Jiraiya off Shizune like an ant. NO ONE messed with her sake. NO ONE.

She began a flurry of chakra-enforced punches, batting from wall to wall, into all of her filing cabinets, off and back up the Hokage's tower (Once again, missing the redwood table. The damn redwood table had to be the luckiest piece of furniture in Tsunade's office. No, in Konoha. No, in the world! How many near catastrophes had it been through?) like a ragdoll. A sparkly, naked ragdoll. By the time she had finished, she was panting in exhaustion. "That will," pant, "teach you," heave, "not," cough, "to take my SAKE!" she finished. "You know," choke, "How long it'll take," gasp, "to scrape it," slump, "out of the carpet?"

"But you don't have carpet," deadpanned Jiraiya. Tsunade sighed and slumped onto her knees, breathing heavily. Damn, that stranger was heavy. It was at that point that Jiraiya took the opportunity to stare at her. Or namely, her boobs. Sure, he could have stared at them while she punched him all over (he did, but that wasn't the point) but it was so much nicer perving on someone without interruption.

Cue an awkward silence.

It was then Jiraiya smirked, and stood up, stretched, yawned, and rolled his shoulders. You know, the usual. Tsunade felt her jaw land on the floor as he got up, with no apparent signs of either concussion, or even injury. This wasn't possible. But the man that smashed her sake rolled his shoulders, and flashed her a twinkling smirk, in which his teeth pinged, and his lips glittered like the lip-gloss they sell in cheap $1 stores.

"Before you send in more ANBU to arrest me," Shizune, who was just about to knock Jiraiya out from behind, slumped as he casually reached behind himself and pinched a nerve. "I'd like to explain a few things."

"If you just think I'll let you-" Tsunade burst out.

"Considering the fact you've wasted most of your chakra, and I didn't feel a single one of your hits, you might as well humour me." Jiraiya was bluffing. He was slightly sore. Slightly.

Tsunade could only gape. Then she scowled, pulled over another redwood chair for him to sit on (honestly, where does all this stuff come from?) and gestured. "Sit."

Like Jiraiya was going to stand. He was naked, for damn sake, and no one seemed to be offering him any clothes. He sat.

"Well, you see..." he began quickly.

"Shut." Tsunade imperiously raised a finger, and broke out a stash of sake and slugged half a bottle before sighing. She then, apparently satisfied, placed it in front of her and said coolly, "Now start."

Jiraiya took this as a cue to launch into a long spiel of all he had been through, though he did cut out all the bits that incriminated him as being a pervert.

* * *

Half an Hour later:

"And that's how I ended up in this situation," finished Jiraiya, finally pausing for breath. He looked to Tsunade of a reaction. He got none.

Instead, she was staring, transfixed, at the tiny puddle of sake at the bottom of her last bottle of her last stash, debating whether or not she should drink it.

Jiraiya swore. He had spent the past half hour talking himself blue in the face for nothing? Tsunade twitched, then giggled. "What did you say again?" she simpered in a voice that made Jiraiya shudder.

"I'm-" Tsunade moved in closer, and tugged at a strand of his hair, bringing her lips, neck and bust close. Nicely so.

"Why aren't you wearing that necklace I gave you?" she asked, poking him in the chest. "Don't you want to be Hokage anymore?"

"You're the Hokage," Jiraiya said, frowning.

"Me? The Hokage? Don't be silly." she lowered her voice conspiratorially. "I don't know why you want that job. I've seen Sarutobi-sensei, and there's so much paperwork! My grandfather used to force whatever random chuunin he could rope into it to do it." She grinned. "Don't let that stop you though."

Jiraiya had the feeling they were talking about vastly different things. "Don't let that put you off though..." her voice trailed away, as she smiled."Your niece is so cute, you know. She'd make a wonderful medic with her chakra control..."

She began to twist Jiraiya's hair around her finger. Jiraiya blinked. He had a niece now?

"Shizune's the name, right?" asked Tsunade smiling. It was then he understood, and it still hurt.

Dan.

But he still had to confirm it. What if he did mysteriously have a niece named Shizune? It was possible...

(A.N. Yep. Delusional.)

"You're Dan, silly," she said affectionately. "I thought I healed you from your latest concussion."

"No, you caused it," muttered Jiraiya under his breath. Tsunade must have been very drunk, to think he was Dan, of all people. Tsunade didn't hear him.

"So did you go to a kid's birthday party sometime?" she asked, eying the glitter. Jiraiya almost groaned and slammed his head on the wall. He could have told that to the guards! They might have actually let him in- nevermind.

"No- I-" he paused, and shook his head rapidly. "I'm not D-"

He was cut off when Tsunade spectacularly spring vaulted over the table (her boots missing the table top by inches- another lucky scrape for Tsunade's redwood table), and toppled the chair over despite the fact that it had been reinforced with a ninja's strength in mind. Jiraiya felt Tsunade land on his chair. Or more accurately, his lap.

She then regarded him in a manner that could only be described as... 'Hungry'. Complete with a pout and head tilt that one would see on the covers of Icha Icha Paradise.

Damn Dan. (We haven't had enough rhymes recently, have we?). He got this sort of treatment from Tsunade, the lady that punched men through walls?

"Maybe it's just me-" she said breathlessly, "But you look more-"

"Handsome?" Jiraiya said hopefully. Tsunade smirked.

"I was thinking more glittery, but sure." The words were lost on Jiraiya, who was staring at Tsunade's lips. And then she kissed him.

SHe tasted faintly of sake. And despite the fact that she was irrevocably drunk, thought he was Dan, and his throat burned like he had just eaten the Curry of Life, he enjoyed it.

Or maybe it was just the fact that he was about to get laid. Who cares about the details anyway?

Tsunade smirked in an impish manner before tugging Jiraiya up the stairs.

If the mood was ruined, Jiraiya was going to destroy the fucking village.

(A.N: Is that a challenge we hear? :D )

* * *

Some Time before:

"Aren't you going to scream your head off?" the walls boomed around Naruto.

"AH!" Naruto began to scramble away in the darkness.

"So it was just your slow reaction time then." Naruto's eyes widened. Was the hole... talking?

"No, it's the uranium. Who did you think it was talking to you, dumbass?" The walls around him vibrated, bouncing him up and down.

Naruto scratched his head. "Not a hole, that's for sure. Isn't that supposed to, you know, violate the laws of... physics... or something?"

"He's being lenient," coughed Pete.

And by 'lenient', he meant, 'being bashed up by the Holy Trinity'.

"So why did you take me down here anyway?" asked Naruto.

"Because." said Pete.

"Because?" Naruto prompted in frustration.

"Because you were about to be eaten."

"How?" demanded Naruto.

"How what?" Pete captured several yet unhatched snake eggs which were about to be taken by various poachers from China to sell to Chinese Medicinal Herbal Remedy Companies.

"How was I about to be eaten?" Well, Naruto was certainly... persistent.

"Giant Snake." Pete coughed, spreading Carbon Dioxide and Methane through the air, melting several icecaps. The cough also sent leeches onto Naruto, and the souls of the leeches were suddenly pulled out of their poor, slimy little bodies, and disappeared into Naruto's seal.

What can we say? The Kyuubi really was hungry.

This unnerved Pete a little. He felt like he was being gnawed away by a malevolent being. Which he was. The Demon Fox grinned at him, while chewing away at a dark rippling thing that might have been Pete's foot, once upon a time.

Hot naked tribes of Amazonian women burst out of the jungle and proceeded to take over TV stations everywhere, and joined PETA to advocate for snake rights, giving PETA a whole new level of funding (mainly due to the sudden increase in the male demographic watching the ads).

"Uh, yes, nice talking to you, goodbye, have fun," babbled Pete, as Kyuubi winked at him.

As he flicked Naruto out as FAST AS HE FREAKIN COULD, he suddenly realised a phenomenon. He hadn't yet accused that person of being a wimp.

It was at that moment that flying monkeys piloting UFOs took over Antarctica. Read that sentence again. Yes. Read it.

Meanwhile:

"Oh crap," said Naruto, as sunlight hit his eyes, revealing the Giant Snake that was currently trying to figure out where its prey had disappeared.

Naruto felt a tail slam into his face, and he soared.

So, in a large arc, Naruto flew over Sound, past the Land of Grass, and into Konohagakure, or more specifically, the Hokage's Tower, interrupting the Bear and Claw Peace talks (like those were ever going to work out, anyway), before barrelling down through the layers, until he fell onto the floor that Tsunade and Vampiric Jiraiya was on.

Tsunade in lingerie. A pale, naked, sparkly, white haired stranger. Tsunade lying on top of aforementioned pale, naked, sparkly, white haired stranger.

"Naaargh! My eyes! They're burning!" Naruto rolled around the floor like a thrashing, dying cockroach-

"No!" cried Jiraiya. His cells suddenly combusted as Tsunade, in panic at seeing the roof cave in on top of her, let out a visible ripple of chakra in an attempt to save herself from the now falling tile pieces.

The ripple of chakra was just enough to tip the scales in the vampire venom vs. chakra battle in Jiraiya's body, and the vampire venom was ejected from his cells, leaking out of him like water from a sponge, soaking, hardening, and glitterfying the wooden floorboards of the Hokage Tower, spreading through to the wood panelled walls, and hardening the ceiling from cracking further.

The now-fortified with vampire venom Hokage Tower stopped crumbling on its foundations, and saved the two sannin and Naruto from an untimely death.

Jiraiya was turning back into... himself as waves upon waves of chakra burned away the remnants of venom in his body, carrying with it, the vestiges of Snake DNA from Orochimaru's snake. He glanced behind him to see something black waving at this backside.

Oh crap. He had a tail.

Tsunade was now blinking in confusion, still slightly drunk, and now starting to look angry as Naruto continued thrashing around, yelling, "My eyes! My head! My BRAAIIIN!"

And with the pent up aggravation of a 71 year old virgin, Jiraiya roared, "One Thousand Years of DEATH!"

"You pervert!" shot back Naruto before- "Naaargh!"

Jiraiya felt a kind of sick, twisted enjoyment when Naruto's face twisted first into pain, then in disbelief, then in horror.

"You peeee-doooooo!" shouted Naruto as he flew, crashed through a window, and continued his way into the horizon.

Jiraiya sighed, then slumped. Time to deal with-

"What is the meaning of this? Jiraiya?" Tsunade frowned, hand on hips. Her gazed travelled to his tail, at his naked body, and down to her own, which was only clad in lingerie.

She growled.

Jiraiya ran.


	18. How to Boost Your Shinobi Population

So we've updated the Kakashi's chapter (the first one) with a major edit that involves Rin, Obito, and ninja heaven.

Check it out if you haven't done so.

And we're hoping to get all of this arc done by the hols. Which is in several weeks. We'll see.

Disclaimer:

KitKat: Hello to you all :) Today we are going to be disclaimed by... Karin!

Sasusaku fans, Sasuhina fans, Sasunaru fans, (and a whole lotta other shippers, but let's not go there) boo and throw tomatoes.

Karin: *ignores tomatoes* Who the hell is James?

Betty: Well, you see, you used to be a fangirl of Twilight, then Pete abducted you since you were chasing Edward Cullen (who was pretending to be James pretending to be Edward Cullen) across the ocean despite your asthma and his cologne, and was killed by Edward Cullen, who couldn't control his bloodlust any longer, but before you could completely die, the blackhole swallowed you up and the radioactive plutonium, uranium, and carbon-14 and vampire venom set off a chain reaction in your body that turned you green and brought you back to life.

Kitkat: ...you know, I'm only half understanding that myself, and I helped write the thing.

Karin: Write what? *is ignored*

Betty: Well then he *spoiler* transformed *spoiler* and *spoiler* so *spoiler* Sasuke *spoiler* Victoria's *spoiler* Secret-

**************************************************************spoiler*****************************************************************************************

*takes deep breath*

Karin: But- what- how- I'm not that far gone!

Kitkat: You rolled around in Sasuke's dirty clothes.

Karin: That was just once! I mean, seriously, I killed tons of people, I'm a kunoichi, I can sense chakra, and I'm one of Orochimaru's experiments! But oh, no, if you roll around in someone's laundry just once... that's all they remember you for!

Betty: Just be glad you didn't screw any goats. Which you didn't. Right?

Karin: ...

Kitkat: You realise that Naruto is targeted to... preteen boys that like watching giant fighting robots, right? I mean, even if she wanted to-

Karin: I'm not into goats! I'm into Sasuke- fucking- Uchiha!

Betty: You won't be saying that when he kills-

Kitkat: ...

Karin: Danzo?

Betty: Close enough. Here, have a cookie. *shoves cookie*

Kitkat: Seriously, where did you get that?

Betty: I don't know. I found it in my pantry.

Kitkat: Your normal pantry, your emergency food supply in-case-angry-drop-bears-take-over-your-home pantry, or your stolen goods pantry?

Betty: No, I took it from the compost bin.

*Karin takes a bite and chokes on the revelation*

Betty: No, seriously, who do you think I am? I stole- I mean, bought it from the supermarket.

*Karin falls unconscious*

*silence*

Kitkat: I think this is the first time we killed off a fictional fanfic character.

Betty: Don't worry, they'll revive her for the Manga Chapter when Sasuke faces off against Danzo.

Kitkat: Isn't that the one where she dies?

...

*paramedics rush off with Karin*

Kitkat: *picks up a strip of paper and reads* Kitkat and Betty do not own Naruto.

...

You gave her a fortune cookie?

Betty: They were on sale in the Chinese supermarket!

...

Now enjoy or go to hell.

* * *

Orochimaru cackled gleefully as he unearthed another underground stash of uranium. Today was his lucky day, and you'd better fucking believe it. With a grunt, he cast a doton jutsu and smiled happily at the nuclear, radioactive waste he had just uncovered, ignorant to the suffering he had unleashed onto all those who walked by the exact spot during the next few millennia, and most importantly, to himself. The loss of his beloved hair would've been enough for him to commit suicide, as disgustingly _samurai _as it sounded; that is, if he hadn't been murdered by ninjas in the sequel manga before he could develop radiation sickness (but that's beside the point).

But what was this? His happy, creepily child-like expression of a child receiving a lollipop was marred with an informed-ly terrifying frown as he stared down at the single body lying atop his precious treasure, half-twitching.

Meanwhile, a hidey-hole cackled at his expression and wipe a tear from its eye, ignoring the outburst of furry reindeer in the vicinity. Priceless.

_Well, she'll make for fuel since she's obviously dead and therefore useless to me_, Orochimaru mused.

As if to contradict his thoughts, the glowing, green, female body twitched and moaned in presumable pain, as the alternative would've been too creepy to fathom, even for the quee-AHEM _king_ ninja of snakes and other things.

"…Jaaaaamess!" she finished her performance with a rasp, then decided to continue, "OOOooooh…"

Orochimaru's eye twitched. Guess he couldn't burn her after all. How disappointing. Sound was running out of firewood, especially after that experiment on that tree where he tried to copy the famed Mokuton, ending in a tree that no longer followed the seasons and seeded every week, resulting in dozens of semi-weeds all over the town which would've been nice if he could actually BURN them; the incident thereafter known as the Fiasco-No-One-Spoke-Of-Lest-They-Wished-To-Burn. He probably should've uprooted the tree from its place in the centre of the wood, interlacing with the roots of all the other trees in the forest, but he had been so _excited._

Though, Orochimaru thought bitterly with a grimace, if she kept this up, he'd probably publicly burn her at the stake- freedom from her…singing? _And _a booster to the morale of the psychopaths of his village. Ah, the joys of having people he could relate to as his minions. And having minions in general. Summons just weren't the same.

"Oh, well," Orochimaru sighed. He was also suffering a shortage of human guinea pigs anyway. One would think people didn't _like_ being experimented upon.

Karin woke in a cliché, cold, bare room, which reminded her of gothicness and despair, except for the fact she was under a warm, hospital doona and was attached to a monitor. She smiled. She had KNOWN James would spare her. After all, how could he kill her? Screw the red-headed bitch, Karin knew that James was HER soulmate, HER one true love (mine mine _mine_). She studied her nails, a vacant, vaguely creepy smile on her face. When she saw him again, after her would be violent tranformation, she would seduce him, like Karenithianess Cr'ystal Raven Hawkstalker did in her various fanfictions, _and _have his damned vampire babies, just like Bella did. After all, it was her life-long dream (if her life started 7 months ago, which it had!). And who could say no to her?

(A.N: -cough- Sas-

KitKat 'n' Betty: NO! DON'T YOU DARE SPOIL THE OH-SO-OBVIOUS CHAPTER PREMISE!

A.N: I never get any fun! My fricking boyfriend is a spoiler ninja and I never see him anymore because you Asians are too wimp to take any sort of bashing!

KitKat: Yes. –adjusts neck brace and heaves on crutches- We are ungrateful yellow people who ought to be sorry for the trouble we have caused you.

Betty: -tightens pressure bandage on leg- Please, go on trying to summon your boyfriend from Shikamaru's shadow pile by trying to reveal plot-points the readers can probably predict from the Twilight references.

A.N: Thank you, boat people. You're more mature than most others of your kind.

KitKat 'n' Betty: -sigh-)

With the dreamy smile and freakish, possessive thoughts of the average fangirl, she looked admiringly over James' room (or at least, one of the dungeon rooms in his house, which he owned despite being a nomad). She had never been able to attain the same level of perfect imperfection and other such impossibilities in her room styling, possibly because she always added so many artefacts (dead sacrifices for one).

Little did she know the secret was to be too preoccupied with something else to care about looks. Nor did she know how wrong she was to believe that this measly room was James'.

That is, very wrong.

* * *

Orochimaru sat at the head desk of Otokagure, humming satisfactorily to himself. The robes, hat, and desk of a ruler position (even if it was just a position he had made up himself) was almost enough to make up for not becoming Hokage. He absently bit his thumb, squeezing most of the blood from the veins around the wound, and flipped through the sheafs of paperwork, getting splatters of blood over the papers. Oh. Whoops. Well, his underlies were used to it. The wise underlies, of course.

Employment was down, shinobi enrolment was down, economic stimulation (haha, _stimulation_) was down, agriculture was down (if that was even possible what with all the rain); seriously, the only graph the sloped upwards was the chart graphing the dissatisfaction of his people.

"What the fuck is a dissatisfaction graph doing in my office?" he hissed, ripping it into shreds and throwing them to the ground, which, as we all know, doesn't hit the ground with a solid, angsty thump like any other type of solid object, unless you are superhuman, which, evidently, Orochimaru was.

He now held a lot more respect for the first Hokage- any First Kage, really, including himself. How they'd managed to construct villages without having it fall down around their ears…Orochimaru sighed and patted himself on the back. Good work, snake person. Good work.

Albeit, the Sound Village had been constructed for the sole purpose of bringing down Konoha. He really needed to prioritise his hobbies.

Time to put the thinking cap on.

It could possibly help if a civilian section was incorporated…but then again, most of those who migrated into Sound were either a) convinced that their lives had no purpose or, b) were utterly obsessed with gaining power, generally because they wanted revenge. And civilians…well, if they fit into any of those categories, they would be ninja, thus defeating the whole purpose (at least, economical purpose) of a civilian.

_It would've also helped if all of those biologically altered experiments actually settled down and formed clans or something_, Orochimaru considered with a pout, before snarling and burning all the papers on his desk with all the anime fire that erupted from his ears and throat.

The first thing to do seemed to be to find more shinobi to enrol. Orochimaru carefully spread his senses out to the seals he had planted on various ninja through his travels. All of them were set to join him within the next year or so. And Uchiha Sasuke was…developing nicely.

(A.N: -vomits- )

Still, the new body he had recently unearthed had some potential…

* * *

Karin sat in her room, contemplating her new status as James' soulmate. Now that he had bitten her, she would be his forever, but how long was forever to a vampire? Was it just a thousand years, or was it a millennia? What if he got bored? What if she got bored? Now that she had been changed, she could see from the top of the mountain there were the steepest falls…

…and heart monitor beeps apparently. She glared at the screen as it interrupted her attempts to gain a few brain cells, until her eyes widened. Beeping. Heart monitor. Her heart was still beating. But she…she was a vampire…right? James had bitten her and she was tied to him for the better or the worse…surely, surely…she glanced down at her skin, expecting sparkle. She heard her heart monitor race as she saw something she considered a million times worse, and what everyone else would consider marginally better.

Her skin glowed _green_.

* * *

Orocimaru once again contemplated his situation. He glanced toward his bookshelf.

…

After several raging minutes of flinging books in all directions (co-incidentally the same books Kankuro had received from his Kusa shrink, due to a cut in funding in props for our fanfiction)…he continued flinging books everywhere.

_Honestly, Kabuto really needs to get me better Christmas presents- Aha!_

Orochimaru triumphantly pulled out a thick book. HOW TO CONSTRUCT A HIDDEN VILLAGE, by FAI LUREIN LIFE.

Been there, done that, Orochimaru thought as he flipped through the pages to page 86. Ah! There!

…when boosting your ninja population, it is important to remember that there are two methods to do so; attraction and reproduction. For more information, refer to page 112…

"Naargh!" muttered Orochimaru. Seriously, what was up with these modern book publishers? Pages? Chapters? Pah. It was utterly impossible to exude any sense of coolness while thumbing through a book, especially when your host has hyperopia. You could dramatically flourish a scroll, unfurling it in a flap, and study it without looking like a noob, but with books…

He had an image of Kakashi, nose buried in the fold of a pathetic book written by the Perverted Sage himself. Ugh.

Page 108, page 110…page 112!

**How To Boost Your Shinobi Population:**

Shinobi (or kunoichi, as may be the case) are one of the most fundamental cornerstones of a hidden ninja village; the lacking of ninjas would render the ninja village an empty village, subjecting the founder to ridicule and loss of dignity and respect. The bulk of the earnings for your hidden village come from missions which are run by the main assets of a hidden village, shinobi.

If your hidden village is about to be under attack and your fighting force is too small, then short term measures to boost your shinobi population are not likely to help in the future. Instead , if you can afford it, hire mercenaries (refer to pg. 124 for- Hired Help & How To Handle IT) or strategize so that most of the attacks are buffered by your natural defences, such as trees (for more examples of suitable natural defences, especially trees, refer to pg. 14 for- Choosing The Location Of Your Hidden Village).

Orochimaru was ready to throttle this book right now, but apparently it had a lot more to say.

If you are swamped by mission orders from clients (lucky you!), or simply hope to make your hidden village larger, the continue reading:

Clans are one of the best assets a hidden village can have. They can be tempted into joining a hidden village through incentives, such as land and money. Dealing with them, however, does have its downsides:

**Hidden Village Politics:**

* Once settled into a village, clans often demand some input into the running of your hidden village. During the first few years, you (assuming you are the ruler [if not, fuck off]) will have to make a fair few compromises in order to get anywhere.

Another, trickier proposition is to start a clan of your own.

Creating and breeding a viable kekkei genkai is tricky business. Even the viable DNA taken from the survivors of massacres may sometimes take years to manifest.

That being said, if you're going to risk it, kekkei genkai develop odd mutations when intermixed and even traits carried in the DNA, when first created, manifest on recessive genes and can cause severe drawbacks when used.

A created kekkei genkai clan however is solely yours to command. No annoying politics for you.

Another variation requires a large, viable civilian population, and significant resources. Civilians can be trained into a viable shinobi population minus the genetic breeding, while retaining a civilian status, tempted by incentives that would be offered. Many resources, however (such as Academies, etc.) are needed to make this work effectively, and the shinobi produced may not have the same edge than those coming from clans.

The best technique is to use all three, or at least the first and the third. Enough inbreeding tends to happen in clans, which can be balanced out by introducing civilian-born shinobi.

While putting these into effect, marriage laws are common and popular (if frowned upon, but no-one cares about dissenters if you know how to treat them).

Speaking of marriage laws, the average lifespan of a shinobi is 25 years and kunoichi 27. Therefore, introducing a marriage law can place roughly ¼ of your fighting force (depending on the male-female ratio in your hidden village) out of action, while they birth and carry shinobi offspring.

Therefore, the most efficient breeding program would pair shinobi with civilian women. On pure number scale, this would generate many offspring and leave almost all the shinobi free to fight, thereby producing a considerate jump in population. However, shinobi+ kunoichi breeding would produce generally & obviously more genetically enhanced ninjas, and such breeding must not be discouraged.

To Harem Or Not To Harem?

While morally speaking, this is not the best of options, if you choose to pair shinobi with civilian women, this is merely another step in speed breeding. This, however, in the long term, can cause frequent inbreeding.

Statistically speaking, a male-female pair may produce up to a dozen children (if you're lucky), whereas a harem, well…

This can prove, again, to be a problem if your female population mostly consists of fighters. Not only would this tie up your population short term, but female harems are so much harder to utilise when there are four males to every female, which is the average ratio in a purely ninja village. Refer to page 153 for more information on…

Orochimaru frowned and put down the book. Well, that wasn't exactly helpful. Mostly, all the clans of the land had settled down by now, and were perfectly content with where they were. The civilian population was nearly non-existent (the 'nearly' allowing for the old hobo who lived near the dumps chewing on…something), and the male-female ratio of 4:1 was seen clearly in his village. He sighed. Maybe a marriage law wouldn't be too bad. Or, at least, it wasn't as though it could cause any sort of major uprising or anything. Really, they'd just be getting free tail, only every now and then they'd have to make babies. They ought to be grateful.

Orochimaru sighed and proceeded to write the new law:

_All females over the age of fifteen should be married to an available, eligible male over the age of fifteen._

He frowned, tapping his fingers together.

_You must marry to be entitled to benefits such as calling on the ruler to settle disputes, submit dissatisfaction graphs, own land and property over the value of 10000 ryo (_"Aahaha," Orochimaru giggled)_, attend mission assignments, and achieving chunin rank or above. Those hoping to achieve Jounin rank must have birthed/fathered at least three children. Those at chunin/jounin rank will be promptly demoted to genin if they do not comply within a month (chunin) or two years (jounin) of the publishing date of this law. Those exempt include those over 60 years of age. To lodge your marriage for approval, as usual, see Kabuto._

Orochimaru smirked as he wrote Kabuto's name. That's what you get for implying my insanity, bitch.

And with a flourish, Orochimaru signed his name and duplicated the scroll with several hand signs, before waving his subordinates to him and telling them to nail the stacks of scrolls all around the village. Easy for them to notice, and his ninjas would look cool unfurling scrolls.

Orochimaru sat back in his chair, satisfied. Two birds with one stone.

Little did he know the havoc he had just caused.

* * *

Karin continued staring at her heart monitor in shock. How could James have not Changed her yet? He had bitten her, hadn't he?

_But how could this be? _she though incredulously.

She dimly recalled how Edward had sucked the venom out of Bella. She briefly wondered if James wanted to keep her a mortal as well. That, while being one of the signs of true love, would be annoying to deal with. She hoped James wasn't as stubborn as Edward was.

That settled (not really, but she tried to ignore the internal battle raging in her), she sat up and studied her skin. On closer inspection, it had revealed to her that while her skin _ was _ as pale as any vampire's, the green light it emitted was definitely anything but normal, even for a vampire.

The sedative gas knocked her out before she could blink.

* * *

Tayuya stared at a single scroll nail onto the wall, AKA Orochimaru's new law. What the hell was he thinking?

Okay, the scroll unfurling was a nice touch, but seriously!

"Where were you?" demanded Sakon irritably.

Tayuya lifted her head, her lip curled in a snarl, "Have you fucking Hydra seen this new law?"

Next thing she knew, she was shoved aside onto the round. She swore colourfully but the rest of her team ignored her, used to her antics. It was only several minutes later that her team-mates were swearing just as colourfully as she had.

Oh no. Today was definitely not a good day.

* * *

Orochimaru poked the limp body on the head. The glowing…thing twitched, then stirred. Orochimaru sighed. The red hair-green colouring was actually looking rather interestingly Christmassy, although he supposed it wouldn't be good for stealth missions.

He shuffled the remaining paper on his clipboard (they were running out of paper and USUABLE TREES), and pulled out a pen.

"…James?" asked the green thing, before glomping Orochimaru with a hug, whispering creepy things into his ear. Orochimaru immediately peeled the girl (yep, it was a girl) off of him in a swift move he had perfected when he was stalked by fangirls in Konoha. The figure narrowed her eyes.

"You're not James," she said crossly. Then she brightened, "Are you one of his vampire friends?"

Orochimaru blinked, before writing on the clipboard with the smallest font possible.

_Test subject either insane/illusionised, or has memories of human contact, possibly both._

"There is no James," Orochimaru said in what he hoped was a reassuring tone. The girl's eyes widened and he knew he had failed in reassuring her.

"You're lying," she snarled, "You killed him, didn't you?"

"How could I be lying about him no longer existing if I killed him?" asked Orochimaru patiently. Really. Some people were even more illogical than Jiraiya.

Her hands fisted in the blankets, "You-you bastard!"

"My mother was married to my father when I was conceived, thank you very much," sniffed Orochimaru, "Stop jumping to conclusions."

The girl seemed to be turning an odd shade of purple red, jarring with the green skin, the effect of which Orochimaru swiftly jotted down in his notes, "You-you murderer!"

Orochimaru frowned, "I'm a shinobi. Murder is my job."

Karin's eyes widened again, "Someone paid you to murder James!"

"I don't remember killing anyone named James," said Orochimaru, half-distracted by the copious notes he was taking. He flipped to the next page; so many things to jot down already, "What kind of gay shit name is James anyway?"

Karin flushed an angry red, prompting another rush of notes from Orochimaru.

"Well, what is _your_ name?" she sneered.

Orochimaru shrugged. Oh, what the hell, "Orochimaru."

"O-Orochimaru," the girl started to shake, out of presumable terror. Guess he hadn't lost his-

"Hah!" cried Karin, laughter bouncing around the walls of the bare room, "Oro-Oro…Oreo-" she continued to laugh, thoroughly confusing and pissing off Orochimaru at the same time, "Hah! That doesn't even sound English!"

"What's English?" asked Orochimaru. Okay, he was way out of his depth here. And people said _he _was insane. He glanced at the nutjob in front of him.

Karin snorted, "You're speaking English."

"No, I'm speaking Japanese."

Karin frowned. Okay…the psychiatrist said _she _was crazy. Guess he had never met Oreo/Orochimi/Oreomaru-ey before.

"You know, English? Japanese is like the manga and stuff…"

"Manga?"

"Like stories…or fanfiction, except in 2D pictures."

"What's fanfiction?"

"It's like a story in which crazy things happen."

"Like what's happening now?"

"…"

"…"

[A.N: AMNESIA DUST!]]

Karin blinked groggily, "Where…am…I…ungh?"

Orochimaru stared at the piece of paper with words that he didn't remember writing. Test contact insane? Considerable light source? Obsessive behaviours suggest fangirlism? He frowned, shaking his head. Maybe it would be easier if he just completely wiped her memories.

"Jaam-" she was cut off as Orochimaru promptly stabbed and injected her with sedative. Now where on earth was his pendulum when he needed it?

* * *

And that's all for now. See you all next week!


	19. How to Create Your Very Own Kunoichi

Kabuto blinked at the single sign on the wall. New law? He was Orochimaru's advisor! He hadn't been told about this! What was the whole bloody point of being an Advisor if Orochimaru didn't even bother to consult him?

He knew he should have opted for the part of village elder. Then any new legislation would have to be read and passed by him. If he survived convincing Orochimaru, that was. He began reading the flourishing scroll on the wall. Several minutes later, his eyes made it to the last word on the scroll. No... it wasn't possible... had Orochimaru gone mad?

He went mad a long time ago, said a nasty voice in his head. You, however, were just a complete fool when you joined him. Kabuto sighed.

Several minutes later:

"Orochimaru." Kabuto formally greeted his master, just as Orochimaru, who was hunching above piles of surgical equipment, pulled out a shard of glass cut like a diamond.

"Aha!" cried the snake ninja, dangling the aforementioned item in from of his face as he swung his hypnotist's equipment. Kabuto cleared his throat, and several servants hurried in from their lunch break, adjusted their leather gloves (because you never know what sort of thing you're going to catch from sharp, metal things regularly stuck into human bodies), and began cleaning up the whole pile of sharp utensils that had collapsed.

"Well?" asked Orochimaru pointedly as he swung the pendulum slowly. Kabuto was suddenly struck by the incredible sharpness of the edge.

"Did you pass a marriage law?" replied Kabuto, barely managing to keep his tone civil.

A pause, as Orochimaru wondered how Kabuto had found out so fast. Well, he had nailed up five foot flourishing scroll posters everywhere… He was suddenly distracted by the flapping sound of a thousand scroll posters as a wind stirred up.

"Yes. Yes I did," said Orochimaru, stating the obvious. "What about it?"

"I do not think the new law is… wise, Orochimaru-sama," replied Kabuto deferentially, eyes still fixed on the crystal pendulum, which gleamed and curved like a cat's smile beneath the light.

"How so?" asked Orochimaru slowly, enunciating every syllable like Kabuto was a retarded three year old.

"Okay, let's put it another way," said Kabuto, ignoring the shiny gleam of the crystal glass, that could easily slit his neck. "The law is horrible!"

Orochimaru picked his nails. "Is it really?" he asked. "How wonderful."

"After all, it's not like you're going to have to-" He glanced at Kabuto, who began to make desperate cutting motions.

"Oh. Well, haven't you always wanted to be a father?"

"No," said Kabuto, eye twitching, as he remembered his unfortunate experiences of D-Rank Babysitting Missions. Never again, he swore.

"Besides," continued Orochimaru, unaware of all the inner turmoil his loyal-ish subject was going through at that very moment, which wasn't very considerate of him at all. "All of the citizens hace been demanding more freedoms and other such nonsense."

He finished picking his nails and inspected his hands, before waving it idly. "Now they can all go off and start families, which will not only strengthen their ties to this village, but gives me leverage over them."

Kabuto groaned. He knew he shouldn't have given Orochimaru all those psychology books for Christmas.

"Besides, our shinobi population is at an all time low. I can no longer offer such large incentives to missing nin, and we have no civilians to train. This is a logical course of action."

"But the ratio of males to females in out village is 5 to 1!" cried Kabuto, by now too desperate to maintain any sense of calculated calm.

"Which is why I stated that every female must be wed, not every male."

"Well then why on earth did you put the stipulation that every person without three children couldn't advance past genin?" asked Kabuto, which was actually a rather reasonable point, punctuated with rather unreasonable behaviour. "There won't be nearly enough females for the males to marry, let alone have offspring with!"

"So?" asked Orochimaru, still not seeing the problem.

"Then many jounin will become chuunin for at least 26 months, as a child takes at least nine months to develop, and three twenty seven in the best case scenario. Giving a one month period to produce a child is simply not reasonable!"

"And you're encouraging harems, too, as every male tries to get one of the fewer females to bear offspring for them!"

Orochimaru frowned. "But the shortage of females ensures…" He trailed off at Kabuto's expression. "Ah. Male Harems."

He pondered the issue for several moments, then shrugged. "It won't be so bad."

"But then it'll be difficult to tell which children were concieved by which father, which will make it even more difficult to implement your law, as we won't be able to tell which males actually fathered children and which didn't.

"DNA scans," Orochimaru sniffed.

"At least a quarter of our fighting population will be tied up!"

"But think of the assets we'll be getting back!"

Kabuto was grasping at straws now. He had no clue what would dissuade Orochimaru and prevent the mass genocide that would occur if any of the irasible and male-hating kunoichi of sound were forced to breed like rabbits to maintain their chuunin and jounin status.

"We don't have a well developed enough medical system to deal with this!" Kabuto blurted out. "Sound will be overloaded!" There was a pause as Orochimaru digested this.

"That is a problem," he agreed, finally. Kabuto opened his mouth to cry out something undignified and triumphant, when his Kage continued. "But not my problem."

"Yes- Huh?" Kabuto paused halfway as he clicked his fingers to dismiss the milling servants. The floor was now thankfully free of scalpel knives and other such nonsense.

Orochimaru smirked, and two hundred kittens dropped dead where they stood. "Kabuto, as a trusted advisor, I will put you in charge of our medical wards," deemed Orochimaru, inwardly congratulating himself on his most brilliant plan. "You have nine months and one thousand dollars to revamp our medical system to deal with the incoming population influx."

Kabuto visibly wilted.

"As well as that, you may train more nurses, preferably male, on how to birth children."

"Ah- ah-" At this point in time, Kabuto was lost for words.

"Any objections?" asked Orochimaru, adding a slightly threatening lilt to his tone. While he knew that Kabuto was too valuable to be killed, there were still a bunch of grungy D missions that he knew the Kabuto knew that he could send him on.

"But I don't even know how to deliver babies!"

By now, Orochimaru had gotten too far to be phased. "Then you'd better learn, hadn't you?" He swung open the door of the ward and glanced back, only to notice that Kabuto was trailing him like a lost puppy.

"Yes?" asked Orochimaru, and Kabuto opened his mouth for one final plea.

"Am I still subject to the law, considering my new duties?" he asked pathetically. Orochimaru was tempted to tell him yes, just for the heck of it, but even Orochimaur knew how far he could push.

"You'll be able to retain your jounin rank for 18 months to develop your new maternity ward, and getting it running. After that, however…"

Kabuto sighed, looking as old as his grey hair. Orochimaru watched him for a few moments.

"Now shoo. I have something to take care of." With that, Orochimaru promptly ignored Kabuto's presence and instead to chose to focus on his new experiment. How fun.

Kabuto left, cursing the day that he became Orochimaru's right hand man.

"So what did the boss say?" asked Kidoumaru once he was outside. Kabuto's glasses flashed, but the other Sound nin leaned confidently on the wall.

"The wall will stay as it is," he said, taking out some of his anger on the unfortunate Sound nin. "Don't you have work to do?" he asked, spitefully.

"Aren't you subject to the law?" asked Kidoumaru suspiciously.

"Worry about yourself first. If you're lucky, Tayuya'll feel nice enough to let you keep your special jounin rank." With that said, he left.

I can't believe this," snarked Tayuya, once Kidoumaru had returned. "I have to marry one of you bastards and have three kids just to keep my own rank?" She continued to spew profanity in a rather unattractive fashion.

"Hey, we're not exactly happy about this either, _princess_," uttered Jirobo under his breath. "I can think of many kunoichi that aren't total b-"

"Like you'd score with anyone, fatass. Orochimaru-" she paused to check that the aformentioned tyrant wasn't anywhere nearby, "Is out of his mind!"

"He has become stranger ever since he has started concocting plots to capture Sasuke Uchiha," admitted Sakon grudgingly.

"I don't see what's so good about that duck-ass haired red eyed pansy anyway," snorted Kidoumaru.

"You and me both, and I'm supposed to be the one with the fucking hormones," Tayuya glared at the ground.

"Despite his behaviour recently, there is no reason for him to make all of us have babies," said Sakon, quite reasonably as well. "If he does that, none of the kujnoichi will be able to fight, or perform missions, or do them at all."

Tayuya glared at her belly as though it had done her a personal wrong.

"We have to convince other people, and hold a meeting about this," Jirobo said. "If we revolt, surely Orochimaru has to listen to us." Everyone blinked. Crickets chirped.

"I guess it couldn't hurt," said Sakon at last, ignoring the fact that Orochimaru could very well kill them all for dissenting.

Orochimaru carefully cast a trance seal, before carefully delving into her chakra system. Despite the nice interesting ways that the radioactive waves were mutating her cells into potentially dangerous cancers, it was being combated by something to a venom, which seemed to have taken over her entire immune system.

How to build a chakra system in someone so unstable… His eyes sparked in barely concealed excitement. A challenge! Something which was sadly lacking in, since living in a village he had total control over.

He pulled out his initial assessment as another prematurely white-haired shinobi strode into the room. Orochimaru briefly wondered how on heath he could produce shinobi without hair problems. Maybe after this, then.

"Yes, Kimmimaro?" asked Orochimaru, preparing to sway the white haired shinobi his side. This should take two minutes, tops. Still, one thing annoyed Orochimaru no end.

What was the purpose of creating a village that you ruled if you couldn't even conduct your own human experiments in peace?

Kin, Dosu and Zaku stared bleakly at the sign.

"Is it April Fools?" asked Kin weakly, clutching at a nearby signpost in order to keep herself standing.

"No, it's the 6th of November," said Zaku. "Thank god I'm not fifteen yet."

"Dude," Dosu interrupted. "Isn't your birthday on the 7th of November?"

There was a pause, as Zaku frowned. "So?" Both Kin and Dosu remained silent.

"OHSHITMYBIRTHDAY'STOMORROWWHYTHEHELLDOESN'TANYONETELLMETHISSTUFF!1!"

The resounding sounds of pain, suffering, and despair filled the entire village.

Orochimaru carefully carved chakra pathways through the female's body. This was far more complex than anything he had ever done. He briefly noted that Kabuto might have been much better for such delicate work but then dismissed the thought.

Kabuto wasn't quite that powerful. Yet. Orochimaru frowned at the thought, but nevertheless brushed it aside.

Back to the point, the only chakra he could place inside his experiment's body without the immune system spitting the foreign energy back into his face was medical chakra. While Orochimaru supposed he should be glad that he could place chakra into the experiment at all, healing chakra was notoriously weak for casting combat jutsu.

When he had finished constructing the finishing touches, the subject began to stir. Orochimaru sighed. Not again-

"JAAAMMMEEESSSSS!" She cried, but not before he stabbed a needle and injected truth serum into her already abused arm. Now was the time to find out more about her past, and whether the memories needed to suppressed or not.

After he had interviewed her semi thoroughly, the transcript he had written looked something like this:

"What is your name?"

"JAAAAAMMMMMEEEESSSS!"

"What do you remember?"

"JJJAAAAAMMMMMEEEESSSS!"

"Do you possess any special abilities?"

"JJAAAMMMEEESSS!"

And so on and so forth. If Orochimaru were less frustrated, he might have been impressed with the fact that a barely conscious subject was resisting his truth serum.

Perhaps he should switch straight to hypnotism. He pulled the crystal out, dangled it in front of her eyes, and began to speak in a monotone.

"You don't remember anything of your past life," he started, swinging the crystal shard gradually back and forth.

"JAAMMMEESS...?" she asked, almost hesitantly.

"Nargh!"

"What was he fucking thinking though?" began Tayuya. "Even Orochimaru wouldn't-"

"His behaviour is highly irrational," agreed Jirobo.

"Do you even know what that means?" Sakon pushed himself off of the wall. Apart from the tensing of the jaw, there was no sign of any reaction.

"If he was going to match us up though," Kidoumaru noted, "He should've done it by matching us so our gifts and abilities passed down to our offspring, would combine and create stronger warriors."

"Useless. Fucking useless, all of you." Tayuya scowled. "He's just gone batshit insane searching for a new host body, obviously. I mean, he hasn't even fucking killed us yet for even discussing this shit."

"Most people would call that a good thing," Kidoumaru led the way back down one of the medical hallways. Tayuya glared at him. "Though it isn't normal Orochimaru behaviour," he conceded under her glare.

"Normal? Since when was anything he did normal?" asked Sakon, also effective cutting off Tayuya's approaching profane tirade.

"Well, he's apparently found a new substance named Uranium," said Jirobo, ticking points off of his fingers. "Then he disappears for two days, and apparently one of his experiments has escaped. This can't be Orochimaru."

"One of his experiments has escaped and he hasn't tracked it down?" whispered Sakon under his breath, his voice getting progressively higher. And now the marriage law? This is too much of a coincidence."

"What are you trying to say though?" demanded Kimmimaro. "Unless you're suggesting the Orochimaru here right now is an imposter-" His eyes widened, and his legs twitched beneath him, as though he wanted to curl into a fetal position. "He was missing for two days…"

There was a silence as they digested the possibilities.

"Shit." Tayuya added in eloquently.

"Even she agrees," said Sakon, staring at the violent and disagreeable female member of their team. "We're screwed."

Orochimaru's teeth gritted in frustration, his finger grip on the string clenched and tight as he tried to suppress his experiment's memories. It was unlucky for him that he hadn't enlisted Kabuto, as even the most junior medic nin knew how to perform a lobotomy.

Her past memories, at his point, however, seemed to have rendered him unable to say anything but an incoherent, "JAMES!"

Hypnotism wasn't working clearly. Orochimaru sighed. He only had one option left. The mind rape.

He created a barrier of chakra around the room, and cast his experiment into a genjutsu. This was the alter version of the Tsukiyomi that Itachi had performed on him, and was partially controlled by the person it was being used on- it worked and altered according to their memories.

While he normally used it to show people their worst nightmares, he'd leave out the killing intent, and just have it play through the sequence of memories in her head.

The first few years of her life was rather blurred and unfocused, and Orochimaru managed to seal them away. He began to play further and further.

It was rather mind numbing, but he had changed the perception of time anyway, so it would only take a few seconds in reality. A poor substitution for the evolved Sharingan, but still good enough for his purposes.

Finally, he stumbled on the memory that was the root of all her problems.

A mindscape view of the younger version of his experiment- he assumed, at least, sat in the centre of the room, red haired and pale skinned. He supposed it must have been the Uranium that turned her so Christmassy

She unwrapped several presents, and then pouted in disappointment as she pulled out a black book with an obviously photoshopped image of a pair of hands holding an apple. The cover, Orochimaru noted, seemed almost eerie, the black shining darkly beneath the light. Even the wrapping paper quietly gleamed sharp silver and the seductive purple ribbon lay curled on the floor like a snake.

The letters spelling 'Twilight' gleamed wickedly. She was doomed from the first word.

From then, Orochimaru could not seal her memories. They fought his seal chakra, and the experiment's whimpers of 'James' began anew.

He snarled. He had gone too far to give up now! In a desperate move to shut the girl up and get something done on his frickin experiment, he bound the cells he had harvested of powerful but deal shinobi to the girl, both which involved huge regenerative abilities.

Karin's foreign green chakra, and the new regenerative abilities of the two hosts would later give her creepy bite healing skills, but Orochimaru wasn't to know that now, was he?

Without warning, she began to scream in pain. Not that it really helped Orochimaru feel better. Okay, maybe it did. Just a little.

"But the imposter, assuming the imposter is actually an imposter," snarled Tayuya, "Would be practically impossible to take down."

"And you say that because?" prompted Sakon.

"The imposter would have to have taken down Orochimaru, and fooled Kabuto long enough to pass the law, as well as-"

"We get it, we get it." Sakon rolled his eyes. "Sheesh. Well, most of us, probably, anyway. Can't speak for bitch or lardbutt, though."

"We probably do have to break the illusion the imposter is using to pose in Orochimaru's form," said Jirobo rather pleasantly, considering the fact that he had just been rather blatantly insulted.

"Correction," Kidoumaru interrupted. "The boss always puts his body under a genjutsu anyway, ever since he started possessing host bodies. Does anyone actually know what the host body really looks like?"

There was a silence.

"No. Thought not."

"Then how are we going to fix it, oh wise and benevolent captain, fucking bastard?" Tayuya cut in loudly.

"Just for that, you can go convince Kabuto to tell us his true appearance," snapped Kidoumaru. "Any more questions?"

Naruto desperately blinked his eyes into some sort of order- after all, they had kinda fizzled into bits when he'd seen Granny Tsunade in her underwear. But no matter what rehabilitation his eyes would go through, the image would be stuck in his head forever.

And ever.

He groaned and rearranged the tatters of his suit (wouldn't want to flash someone accidentally, after all) when his peripheral vision noted that something was very, very, wrong.

His skin was glowing green.

"AAAAAHHHHH!"

Kabuto growled in frustration as he stared down at the pane and outline that he had drawn. How in the world did Orochimaru expect him to revamp the entire medical system in 9 months with only $1000? Was he insane?

The plans of the hospital, however, did show one important thing. While there was aplenty in terms of research equipment, it was far too much, even considering the ruler of Otogakure was a homicidal, research obsessed nut. However, in terms of actual medical equipment, and treating illnesses, the hospital didn't even qualify as one. That did explain, however, why on earth all the shinobi were dying, like, well, flies.

Still, Kabuto had a job to do. He flipped open a plan for all of Sound's buildings. With luck, he could actually relocate the hospital and maternity ward to an area which wasn't infested with rats.

"Kabuto," said a gruff, but still slightly feminine voice. He glanced around.

"Tayuya," he replied impatiently, as he turned back to the city blueprint. That abandoned set of high rise flats looked promising…

"What does Orochimaru look like without the genjutsu?" she asked suddenly, and Kabuto shrugged as he stared at his plans.

"Why do you want to know?" asked Kabuto warily. Well, the previous daimyo of Grass' residence hadn't been occupied since Sound had utterly crushed the village, but still…

"We think he might be an imposter," said Tayuya coolly. It was now that Kabuto nearly choked on air, and after several minutes of coughing, he blinked away the blurriness of his eyes and stared at Tayuya.

"Why do you say that?" he managed, rather calmly, especially considering the fact that he had just nearly suffocated on oxygen, which was supposed to be impossible.

"He was gone for two days," began Tayuya. In the meanwhile, Kabuto rolled his eyes as he considered putting a string of D missions on the register to move all the furniture from here to the southern border of the village.

There was a silence, as Kabuto realised he was supposed to make some sort of response to that. "And that means?" he prompted.

"Orochimaru-sama wouldn't have passed that sort of law," she began.

"If he thought he would benefit this village, he would," said Kabuto. _Or make him more powerful, at least._

"And then he let his experiment escape, and didn't even bother to capture it, and instead chose to lock himself in the hospital ward," Tayuya bulldozed on.

Kabuto noted the fact that Tayuya hadn't said one swear word in the entire conversation. Damn, she must be serious about this, then.

"I personally think it was the nuclear radiation poisoning myself," muttered Kabuto under his breath. "So tell me, why do you need to know, again?"

"Because when we dispel the genjutsu around his body, we need to see if it is an imposter, or just Orochimaru-sama's host body."

"You realise that your entire theory is built on chance, right?" asked Kabuto. "I do suppose marriage laws do make people rather discontent, though."

"Just tell me already, you damn son of a-" Tayuya continued. Apparently holding in all her profanity had become far too difficult for so long.

"And if I don't?" asked Kabuto, smirking.

Tayuya stopped. Really, what could she actually threaten him with, that wouldn't get herself killed?

Kabuto, sensing the utter desperation in the only female member in the Sound Five, posed innocently, "Well, I could always use some help, you know."

Now it was Tayuya's turn to stare at him warily.

"There are some new updates that have been requested to the medical system," clarified Kabuto. "If I am to understand, you, and presumably your teammates need my help?"

Tayuya scowled, but she nodded nevertheless.

If Tayuya was wrong, she and her teammates would build the new maternity ward for him. If she was right…

"Well, lead away then," he said generously, glasses flashing. He supposed this was what people called a win-win situation.

Orochimaru glared at his experiment. Just a little more… He sighed, and punched the air in triumph.

And then the pain hit.

Orochimaru growled under his breath, while letting off sounds of pain that sounded creepily similar to a strangulated kitten. What had possessed him to possess a female body again?

Yes, you guessed it. Orochimaru, one of the legendary sannin, the founder of sound, former jounin of Konoha and candidate for Hokage… was going through the joys of woman hood.

No, not childbirth.

Periods.

He needed to finish this fast. He needed Sasuke-kun's body now! In an act that was sheer desperation, he finished sealing the experiment's memories of her beloved James, and swung the pendulum in front of her again.

While the memories were gone, her obsession hadn't, and she was currently driving her sanity into a wall at top speed with no outlet for her fangirlish obsession. And Orochimaru wanted to keep her sane. Relatively speaking, of course.

But how…? Aha!

"You are in love with Uchiha Sasuke," Orochimaru told the poor, unfortunate Karen in a monotone while swinging his pendulum.

"I am in love with Uchiha Sasuke," she replied, swinging listlessly from side to side.

"You met him within the Chuunin exams," said Orochimaru, "Where he proceeded to rescue you from… a bear. He did not even try to steal your scroll."

"Did not try… scroll…" Karen replied, her young, still malleable mind latching onto the a perceived outlet for her obsession.

"You were astounded by his chivalry," Orochimaru refrained from snorting. A ninja? Chivalrous? What on earth was he saying? "And you were also charmed by his good looks, and sexy voice…"

"Sexy voice," reiterated Karen, beginning to smile dreamily.

Orochimaru paused. What else would he need to add? "You were the survivor of a massacre, just like him, within Kusagakure. You were kindred spirits."

"Kindred spirits… massacre…" Karen began to moan. Orochimaru eyetwitched.

"When you were recruited by me as a vital ninja." Orochimaru paused. "To be matched up with him to produce… heirs."

Orochimaru decided that he had been far too harsh on Kabuto. After all, it was from him that he had gotten the wonderful Christmas present which had inspired the wonderful new marriage law.

"Your mission is to track down Sasuke Uchiha," he said, shoving a file photo into her limp hands.

Karen, now Karin, nodded slowly, dazedly, as the last vestages of vampire venom and nuclear radiation took each other out in one fell swoop, turning her pale green yet sparkly visage to that of a fairly normal kunoichi.

"Your mission starts now." And with that, the no longer asthmatic Karin with yet to be discovered healing abilities set out to track down her true 'soulmate'. One thing was for sure though. Sasuke was screwed.

Kabuto blinked as though Sound Five (missing Kimmimaro) gazed at him expectantly. Behind them had to be most of the Sound Village shinobi.

"Took you long enough," muttered Sakon, while Tayuya glared at him.

"Just be glad he's here, or else the plan wouldn't even work.

"Plan?" asked Kabuto. They were actually deciding to pull a coup detat involving the takedown of Orochimaru? They never told him this!

"So, what does Orochimaru's real body look like, anyway?" asked Kidoumaru.

Oh what the hell. If he left straight after, it wasn't as though he could be linked to the possible later uprising, if and when it occurred. Besides, this might be anusing, and if her was lucky, force Orochimaru to delay the law, and thus give him more time to get his maternity ward up and running.

"His body is female," began Kabuto, adopting a clinical expression. Ignoring the gasps of shock (honestly, was it really that absurd? It wasn't as though Orochimaru wasn't completely asexual anyway) Kabuto forged on.

"His body has dark, waist length hair, pale skin, with a face holding slightly rounded cheekbones, and still fairly young."

Then again, considering the fact that Anko had run away at the revaltion…"

He paused. "The body itself is slightly short and rounded, with eyes like Orochiamru's own." He shrugged. What more could he describe?

The crowd turned into a noisy mess. Kabuto sighed in disdain. "Well, excuse me, but I must take my leave. The injure don't just heal themselves, you know. Tayuya-san, I expect my debt to be repaid."

Tayuya glanced around at the pissed looks she was receiving. She had let their only chance of defeating Orochimaru's imposter without huge amounts of death escape. Well, crap.


End file.
